Top 100 Gay Humor Quotes
#1. Another Thing I'm Sick of Hearing:
If I started that gay rights group,
I must be gay.
So if i start an animal rights group,
what does that make me?
A giraffe?
James Howe
#2. You could wear the same outfit every single day and no guy - who isn't gay - will notice.
Maureen Johnson
#3. He didn't look anything like the blokes on that gay porn channel Rory had clicked on by mistake when he'd been trying to find out how to make a daisy chain for Leo.
J.L. Merrow
#4. I forgot my balls," Lucas said coming over.
"Your what?"
"My balls. Apparently I left them in this room somewhere, because otherwise I'd have had them in your office in order to tell you that you're full of shit," Lucas replied.
Mia Watts
#5. She had one of those husky voices that sounded as if she were permanently coming down with a cold. Men seemed to find that sexy in a woman, which Jackson thought was odd because it made women sound less like women and more like men. Maybe it was a gay thing.
Kate Atkinson
#6. You're thinking that if the North Pole has little elves and shape-shifting reindeer that maybe werewolves aren't quite so farfetched. Am I right? Well, you're wrong. There's no such thing as werewolves. That would just be crazy.
Candi Kay
#7. Is there n-nothing you can do?" Parmida asked, wiping her tears away with the heel of her hand.
The unicorn laughed softly. "She asks for a boon after shooting me in the ass.
Ash Gray
#8. With his arm back around Gavin's waist, Brad suddenly seemed very determined to get to their destination. Gavin was curious about it until he saw the restaurant. With rainbow flags hanging on either side of the sign mounted on the roof, it sort of looked like home base in a game of gay tag.
Kele Moon
#9. As if anyone in Paris would believe for a second that I was a top. Not only was I made for being manhandled, I was far too lazy to be anything but a bottom.
Nicole Castle
#10. Not all gays respond to the same stuff. Would Alexander the Great have loved Auntie Mame?
Bruce Bawer
#11. I mean if you two were to make love, that would be gay. Two men touching each other physically and emotionally ... erotically caressing each other ... on the hood of a car ... or the back of a movie theater ...
Kristen Schaal
#12. When women respond negatively to misogynistic or rape humor, they are "sensitive" and branded as "feminist," a word that has, as of late, become a catchall term for "woman who does not tolerate bullshit.
Roxane Gay
#13. You take a dick and you get it wet and then you put it someplace tight -
K.A. Mitchell
#14. And often Lisa thought bitterly of the ideas she had held on "college life" before coming to Denton, ideas and images culled from a hundred magazine stories and as many movies. Where were the convertibles, the secret bottles of liquor, the gay young men and their wild girl friends?
Grace Metalious
#15. I was convinced that there was at least a seventy-three percent chance he was gay. I bumped it up from sixty-eight after our third game. Zack showed up wearing a light pink shirt that was tighter than usual.
Kyle Adams
#16. Handsome hero wanted.
Brave in the face of certain danger.
Must be willing to get naked with other species.
At least six-inch penis required.
Fee is negotiable.
James Cox
#17. Outsiders develop humor as a defense; why do you think most comedians are gay or Jewish?
Paul Lynde
#18. I wasn't close to my father, but I wanted to be all my life. He had a funny sense of humor, and he laughed all the time - good and loud, like I do. He was a gay Irish gentleman and very good-looking. And he wanted to be close to me, too, but we never had much time together.
Judy Garland
#19. Gay people should be allowed to get married. Just because somebody's gay doesn't mean he shouldn't suffer like the rest of us
Jeff Shaw
#20. My birthday? Is he gay?" Eli asked me with a confused look on his face.
Mariana Zapata
#21. Just don't stare at my ass, Landemere," he added.
"I wasn't staring at your ass," Arranulf, who had been staring at his ass, said.
Andrew Ashling
#22. Nonsense! I have merely come to terms with the fact that I am perfect, and I have decided life must go on, and I must learn to live with myself ...
C.N. Faust
#23. Maybe you can explain to me what is so spectacular about her, because you gay girls can't seem to keep your hands off that daffy redhead.
Cassandra Duffy
#24. Sex is not a wizard, whatever magical-seeming properties it might possess in its better forms. If your friend says to you, "You're being mean, you need to get laid," your problem is not sex. Your problems are that you might be acting like an asshole, and your friends are definitely idiots.
Katie Heaney
#25. I'm a registered Republican, I only seem liberal because I believe that hurricanes are caused by high barometric pressure and not gay marriage.
Aaron Sorkin
#26. My Own Epitaph
Life's a jest, and all things show it.
I thought so once, and now I know it.
John Gay
#27. Sirus let his gaze drop and linger over the fine lines of Grey's body that no amount of winter clothing could hide, and he cursed under his breath at the waste of such a thing of perfection attached to such an asshole of a person.
Cameron Dane
#28. The near dark streets where Friday night's business began to accomplish itself, strolling couples, arm in arm, girls bright as just pricked flowers, halfdrunk belligerent men herded homeward by fierce women with bitter persecuted faces ...
William Gay
#29. We need to get you to stop thinking of me as a friend, and start thinking of me as that incredibly hot mechanic you're sleeping with."
"You are a friend, why do we need to do that?"
"Because you're stiff as a board and not in the way I want you to be.
Elle Parker
#30. Let me say, on behalf of the entire gay male community, we hate your fucking guts 'cause you landed him. Share, you selfish bastard.
Andrea Speed
#31. GOD DOESN'T HATE FAGS OR
ANYBODY ELSE FOR THAT MATTER.
GOD SAVES! THEN, GOD PASSES IT
TO GRETZKY - WHO ROOFS THAT
SHIT, TOP-SHELF! THEN GOD AND
GRETZKY HIGH FIVE & BELLY-BUMP,
CELEBRATING THEIR HOCKEY
PROWESS. AND NEVER ONCE DO
THEY GIVE A SHIT IF ANYBODY'S
GAY OR NOT.
Kevin Smith
#32. I'm not sexist, I'd f**k both sexes equally if I was gay - John Blu
David Gallie
#33. My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
Rodney Dangerfield
#34. When William came to Kyle's aid, he told them that there's nothing wrong with being gay, and that his Uncle Jerry is gay, and that the boys should just-" Lenore smiled a little. "uh... 'cowboy up'.
D.W. Marchwell
#35. I'll take Classic 69 and semen-swapping for $300
Damon Suede
#36. Just because I like to suck cock doesn't make me any less American than Jesse Helms.
Allen Ginsberg
#37. I tried not to laugh. I thought about how my Southern Baptist friends would respond to the suggestion that their entire denomination was making people gay.
Justin Lee
#38. Good-humor, gay spirits, are the liberators, the sure cure for spleen and melancholy. Deeper than tears, these irradiate the tophets with their glad heavens. Go laugh, vent the pits, transmuting imps into angels by the alchemy of smiles. The satans flee at the sight of these redeemers.
Amos Bronson Alcott
#39. It would figure the best looking guy on this ward is gay ... and he has a sexier than sin boyfriend ... I swear to God I'm going to turn into a man. It's the only way.
Crystal Rose
#40. They were, thank the patron saint of jilted gay boys everywhere, Saint Oh-No-He-Din't.
Cherie Noel
#41. I didn't set out to do a gay comic, but given the current political and religious climate in this country, I feel it is important as a gay person, and a Christian, to create stories with humor and honesty.
Paige Braddock
#42. Do you think she was gay before or after she started watching Xena?" the male squirrel asked. "That subtext works like a nasty termite. It undermines the structure of human females from within.
Blayne Cooper
#43. The joy of joys is the person of light but unmalicious humor. If you know any one who is gay, beguiling and amusing, you will, if you are wise, do everything you can to make him prefer your house and your table to any other; for where he is, the successful party is also.
Emily Post
#44. Boys. I'd turn gay if they weren't so sexy.
Rachel Caine
#45. She suspects her husband, Jake, might be gay."
"Did you suggest she ask him?"
Mom laughed. "Of course not. Business is slow.
Lisa Lutz
#47. [Ned Flanders]: Well looks like someone's having a pre-rapture party.
[Homer Simpson]: No, Flanders. Its a meeting of gay witches for abortion, you wouldn't be interested.
Matt Groening
#48. I've always known I was gay, but it wasn't confirmed until I was in kindergarten.
It was my teacher who said so. It was right there on my kindergarten report card: PAUL IS DEFINITELY GAY AND HAS VERY GOOD SENSE OF SELF.
David Levithan
#49. You can't just go gay, its not like buying a ladder.
Noel Fielding
#50. There are men who wants only the woman; such are tagged, 'real men', and there are ones who want only their bodies; such are tagged, 'fake men', and there are others who wants neither the woman, nor the body; such are tagged, 'GAY MEN
Michael Bassey Johnson
#51. [Looking like a straight girl] means wearing clothes that seek and destroy comfort. These are garments designed by gay men to attract heterosexual men. The straight girl is simply the hanger for an inside joke.
Mary Dugger
#52. Why are all gay men understanding and compassionate?"
"Pfft." I arced an eyebrow at her. "They're not, trust me. Its a myth."
"A straight man wouldn't understand cramps, mood swings, backaches, not to mention the price of tampons ...
Zathyn Priest
#53. Nathan nods. "Have a good time. Don't do anything I wouldn't do." I hear Andy as I'm walking out the front door. "Honey, that threat doesn't work when you're gay.
Stephanie Perkins
#54. Chadham's idea of an open-minded, modern town had no room for faggots. Being gay made you about as welcome as a turd in the swimming pool.
Piner, Huston (2015-05-12). Light in Endless Darkness (Kindle Locations 25-26). Torquere Press. Kindle Edition.
Huston Piner
#55. I'm gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.
Bo Burnham
#56. I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.
Dave Attell
#57. The ring was there to say they were a team, a reminder that they were in this together, almost like a private joke only the two of them got.
K.A. Mitchell
#58. Besides it's better to have Miyoshi around. You and me have a been together since Jr. High. Without her around people might think we're gay.
Tsugumi Ohba
#59. Our witness, one Edward Littleton, was as gay as Elton John's handbag.
Ann Somerville
#60. Fortunately for Alan's sake, Frank preferred beauty over age so I had no need to defend my territory.
Nicole Castle
#61. GRANDMA: Are you a gay?
ORPHEUS: I am straight. I'm definitely dating a girl, gran. Do you think she's a man?
*She laughs*
ORPHEUS' BRAIN: Thank god she took it as a joke. I would have been executed on the town square for such a rude back answer.
Scarlett Brukett
#62. I poured some coffee into a mug that read: "I'm not gay, but my ex-boyfriend is," compliments of Peyton
Sandi Lynn
#63. I wanted to tell his dad that Nathan was fine the way he was and that he was the one that needed to change. It made me glad to have my parents. If I told my dad I was gay, he'd probably just look scared and hand over more safe sex money. -Nick Severson
C.K. Kelly Martin
#64. Tiger resists. "WAIT. We're ALL friends HERE. What is it you wanna talk about? SEX? The new DILDO my mom bought me? Or the HAIR on my sister's ASS-
Giorge Leedy
#66. You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.
Zach Galifianakis
#67. I can suck the chrome off a bumper and leave the car still standing. In other words, I am sexually gifted, a hero among gay men.
J.P. Barnaby
#68. Peter to Austin:
Hard-ons don't make you think less. They make you think stupid. Which makes me think you must have one 24/7.
Dani Alexander
#69. Baby, you're so much of a woman, you turn me off when I hold you.
Rhys Ford
#70. He's always checking out your arse."
Kevin's laugh died on it's way up his throat. "Are you serious? Shit, I need to work on my gaydar."
"No, you don't." Cedric folded his arms over his chest. "I'm gay and I want you. That's all you need to know.
Taylor V. Donovan
#71. I love you like a gay geneticist loves designer genes.
Bo Burnham
#72. What goes in your butthole is your business, all we care about is making sure Chipotle is what comes out of it. - Rodrigo Chipotle
Kindle Alexander
#73. You want me to invite him to dinner."
"I want you to invite him to dinner," she agreed.
"You know," he said, "most gay men don't have mothers who are this enthusiastic about their love lives."
"That's probably true," she said. "You're one of the lucky ones.
Matthew Haldeman-Time
#74. I picked up my flute and smiled, eyebrows dancing. "Why don't you show her your straight dance?"
"Is there a gay dance, too?" Mickey asked.
Rose Christo
#75. And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a men chosen at random spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees.
Bo Burnham
#76. He's a he. I mean he's a guy. He's your mate. Oh my God you're gay!" Aleks exclaimed. Liam slapped himself on the forehead.
Alanea Alder
#77. How you felt?" he asks, still looking like he's trying to hide a smirk.
"Oh, shut up. I'm going now. I'm sorry I bothered you, your Highness of Reindeerness," I say, with more than a little sarcasm. "I promise not to ever disturb you again.
Candi Kay
#78. Parker and I are good...friends."
"Seriously?" Martha quirked an eyebrow. "What're ya'll for real? A couple? I swear you look as smitten as a bull in a herd of...other bulls.
Kerry Adrienne
#79. I felt very close to God ... My friends say that's because I was always on my knees.
Armistead Maupin
#80. Tony knew if he ever needed anything done again, he was calling on the Lesbian Network of Massachusetts. Those girls worked fast. And they were everywhere.
K.A. Mitchell
#81. So you do know!" I shouted. My phone lay there like a genie's bottle, inanimate and yet containing the ability to grant me wishes and knowledge. "Girl, spill before I come over and dye your hair a natural color.
Atom Yang
#82. Charlie squinted in the glare of the sun. "Are you a member of the crew?" He stepped forward and shaded his eyes.
"In a manner of speaking," the man replied. "I'm Rock Harding."
"Oh, nice to meet you.
Hank Edwards
#83. I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
Rodney Dangerfield
#84. I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it's because they know how much I love the gays! Everyone needs a good gay man in their life.
Chelsea Handler
#85. Imagining the gods could hear him, Mycaela murmured to the well, "I wish I could find a man who'd take me away forever." He laughed softly. "But there are no stories about princes who wish for princes.
Ash Gray
#86. I really don't have a problem with gay marriage ... because I'm tolerant and rational.
David Cross
#87. Poor boys are easier than middle-class or rich ones. Boys who've been busted are easier than boys who have not. Southern boys are easier than Northern boys. Marines are easier than Masturbation.
John Valentine
#88. Rev. Pat Robertson says that if more states legalize gay marriage, God will destroy America. He did say that afterwards, gays will come in and do a beautiful renovation.
Conan O'Brien
#89. I generally assumed a guy was gay until proven straight, taken until proven single, and not interested until he'd put his tongue in my mouth.
Mara Wilson
#90. You're the only kick-ass general I know who needs three gay boys to dress him, John."
"But I only need one gay boy to undress me.
Sarah Black
#92. It's physically impossible to be both a dork and gay. It's like saying you're color blind and blind. The universe will only allow so much disadvantage in any one given life-form."~Jordan
Eli Easton
#94. Gotten butt-ass, bone-dog naked for your vadge-cam?" Dante offered with an angelic smile, standing close.
"Fucking hell, D." Griff turned to Beth with an apology, but she spoke first.
"Huh-yeah. Thanks, cockbreath.
Damon Suede
#95. There was a great jagged hole where they had ripped out the fireplace; the wall around it was crowded with faded graffiti explain who loved who, who was gay and who should fuck off.
Tana French
#96. Hi honey, I'm home! Take your pants off! Wesley announced. He kissed my cheek as he passed me and put his lunch container in the sink.
J.M. Colail
#97. In fact, we'd discussed marriage on several occasions just because we seemed to get along so well, but after thinking long and hard, I realized it was not in my best interest to waste my first marriage on a gay man.
Chelsea Handler
#98. Gay angels are all the rage in heaven.
Eric Arvin
#99. I thinking gay and straight people use the same putters, it's not a matter of putters but a matter of hole selection.
Jon Stewart
#100. He offered to make-out with Hunter if it would prove that he's ok with me being gay."
"Hmm," said Adam. "Yeah I think I need to see proof."
"Shut up."
"Tell him it has to be shirtless. Wait, let me get my phone out-
Brigid Kemmerer
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