Fart Quotes

#1. I'm only interested in heavy metal when it's me who's playing it. I suppose it's a bit like smelling your own farts. - Author: John Entwistle

#2. Tagged by a whiny little vamp. Rache, take this sword and stick it in me. Just go and stick it in me. I'm a back-drafted, crumpled-winged, dust-caked, dew-assed excuse of a backup. Worthless as a pixy condom. Taken down by my own partner. Just tape my ass shut and let me fart out my mouth. - Author: Kim Harrison

#3. Lydia shook her head. "This is my life. Getting yelled at in a Walmart parking lot on a Friday night by somebody doing a bad impression of PG-13 fart-joke-movie comedian. - Author: Jeff Zentner

#4. Leaning forward in the chair, Harley squeezed out a controlled fart, so no one could hear it. This damn reception area was like a echo chamber. If he weren't careful, it could reverberate around the hall like a shotgun blast. - Author: Alan Kinross

#5. I don't read Scripture and cling to no life precepts, except perhaps to Walter Cronkite's rules for old men, which he did not deliver over the air: Never trust a fart. Never pass up a drink. Never ignore an erection. - Author: Roger Angell

#6. If it doesn't fart or eat hay, she isn't interested. - Author: Prince Philip

#7. He that lives upon hope will die farting. - Author: Benjamin Franklin

#8. Need to get to Ruislip by sparrow-fart though', said the squadron leader. 'Think you can do that? Can I come along for the ride? - Author: Robert Rankin

#9. In spite of the fact that I hurt more than when I was in labor, I was pretty sure the doctor was just going to tell me I needed to fart really bad. - Author: Jenny Lawson

#10. Way gay," I reassured him. "Like, super gay. I fart and rainbows come out." Oh, crap. - Author: T.J. Klune

#11. Zart the Fart, you start. There - Author: James Dashner

#12. There is nothing fiercer than a failed artist. The energy remains, but, having no outlet, it implodes in a great black fart of rage which smokes up all the inner windows of the soul. Horrible as successful artists often are, there is nothing crueler or more vain than a failed artist. - Author: Erica Jong

#13. Some people get lots of pleasure; From books or from music or art; But boys seem to think it's fantastic; To just have a really good fart. - Author: Giles Andreae

#14. It was the pink elephant in the room, the thunderous fart in the elevator. - Author: David Wong

#15. Love is like a lost fart. If you have to force it, it's probably shit. - Author: Stephen K. Amos

#16. You couldn't shoot a fart out of your own ass! - Author: John Marston

#17. Having kids means there's always someone around to blame your fart on. - Author: Dana Gould

#18. Naked Mr. America, burning frantic with self bone love, screams out: My asshole confounds the Louvre! I fart ambrosia and shit pure gold turds! My cock spurts soft diamonds in the morning sunlight! - Author: William S. Burroughs

#19. It goes on top and breaks down,
It can emit a high or low sound.
Each atom of such noisy chute
Exhale the aroma of a ripe fruit. - Author: Ana Claudia Antunes

#20. Any man can fart in a closed room and say that he commands the wind - Author: Scott Lynch

#21. The man knows he's a target. He's very careful. The'll find the guns.'
Kolya responded with a mournful fart, low and solemn as a single note of a baritone horn. - Author: David Benioff

#22. I could have reached him in three quick strides and slipped my blade into his spine before he had the chance to fart. - Author: Oliver Bowden

#23. They didn't trademark everything back then. Now someone farts and they put a TM after it. Even Miller Lite says 'A Fine Pilsner Beer' on the label. It is a crime. - Author: Michael Jackson

#24. A despairing arse will never produce a happy fart. - Author: Frater U.D.

#25. He calls you dear Sabine - Patronizing fart! - Author: Nick Bantock

#26. That is a fart without wind ... in reference to when you can't back up what you say. very funny. - Author: Faye Kellerman

#27. It's a dungeon, Leila. They're Supposed to smell.
Mission accomplished. The stench might have actually killed my new appetite. If hell could fart, it would smell like this. - Author: Jeaniene Frost

#28. There is Harlan Ellison the human being, who takes a crap a couple of times a day, and who farts, and who eats chicken croquettes, if I can find them. And then there is the writer, this writer-person, who is a much finer person than I. Much more orderly, much more meaningful. Worthier, than I [am]. - Author: Harlan Ellison

#29. At one time or another, farts have coincided with every other sound, including this quote. - Author: Craig Benzine

#30. You stand out like a fart in a church. - Author: James Patterson

#31. Rock n' roll is for the young idiots, not an old fart like me. - Author: Al Jourgensen

#32. Sif seemed so refined, so graceful, so unlikely to fart or belch in public. - Author: Rick Riordan

#33. My voice was jus' a duck fart in a hurrycane. - Author: David Mitchell

#34. How would you be able to detect a fart over your natural odor, Sanza?" "For shame," said Galdo. "There's no Sanzas here, remember? I'm an Asino." "Oh yes," said Locke with a yawn. "Yes, you certainly are. - Author: Scott Lynch

#35. Even the idea of a fart makes me laugh. Saying the word 'fart' makes me laugh. I have iFart on my phone. I have remote whoopee cushions. Farts. To me, there's nothing funnier. - Author: George Clooney

#36. You never want to look like an old fart doing young rap music. - Author: DJ Quik

#37. Beans, beans, they're good for your heart," I said cheerily, seizing the opening. "The more you eat, the more you fart. The more you fart, the better you feel - so let's have beans for every meal! - Author: Diana Gabaldon

#38. There's a place for farts, and there's a place for sharts. - Author: J.E. Haldeman

#39. Laugh and the world laughs with you.
Fart and you're on your own. - Author: Peter James West

#40. That dragon queen's got the real item, the kind that don't break and run when you fart in their general direction. - Author: George R R Martin

#41. Bathroom humor, fart, and poo poo humor in movies gets a laugh. It's a pretty easy audience, and that's been around for ages. - Author: Selma Blair

#42. A woman's got one life: She's got to reach out and grab it with both hands, or it'll pass her by and leave nothing but a smelly old fart in her face. - Author: Robin Schone

#43. Art is like a fart for the soul. Better out than in. - Author: Martin Firrell

#44. At my age, you sort of fart your way into a role. - Author: Donald Sutherland

#45. [When] you're dying laughing because your three-year-old made a fart joke, it doesn't matter what else is going on. That's real happiness. - Author: Gwyneth Paltrow

#46. It's become absolutely horrible the way the people with the money decide they can fart in the kitchen. - Author: Steven Soderbergh

#47. I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. - Author: Graham Chapman

#48. We need to bring out the rabble-rousing nature of people. We are gonna need un-repression. We need hundreds of people farting up a storm. We need a big-time, old-fashioned, furious, fart storm. - Author: Allan Dare Pearce

#49. When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell. - Author: Adam Carolla

#50. The notion of "cause and effect" is sometimes useful in real life, and it can even be interesting in art, but I'm more interested in "cause and cause" or "effect and effect" or "and and and". - Author: Kevin Mcpherson Eckhoff

#51. I want to do it too!" said Gazzy, sitting very, very quietly, completely motionless.
"Nope," said Nudge, shaking her head. "You stand out like a fart in church. - Author: James Patterson

#52. If I want to keep working as an actor, I'm going to become a comedian who does fart jokes. - Author: Peter Sarsgaard

#53. You could make friends with a possessed unicorn, couldn't you?"
"Probably so. We both fart rainbows. - Author: Jamie Farrell

#54. Over at the Olivia Pope & Associates set, we're like middle school children. Every time there's a cut in the action, we joke and dance around; there's show tunes and fart noises. - Author: Darby Stanchfield

#55. When he visited the stables he found Spit also had a welcome waiting. It lasted a full two minutes and Master Rensial stated confidently it was the longest fart he had ever heard a horse produce. - Author: Anthony Ryan

#56. And then all of a sudden she let out the biggest, loudest, smelliest fart in the history of farts. Mom - Author: R.J. Palacio

#57. Someone has farted; no one knows just who, but this isn't like a normal adult place where everybody coolly pretends a fart didn't happen; here everybody has to make their little comment. - Author: David Foster Wallace

#58. I was half-afraid that I would do something awful, like faint or fart right in front of the queen, but all went well. - Author: Oliver Sacks

#59. At a certain point, you have to face the fact that you've turned into an old fart. - Author: Robert Gottlieb

#60. [To Edward de Vere, Earl of Oxford, on his return from self-imposed exile, occasioned by the embarrassing flatulence he had experienced in the presence of the Queen:] My Lord, I had forgot the fart. - Author: Elizabeth I

#61. It didn't amount to a fart in a windstorm, nohow. - Author: Ferrol Sams

#62. The tension between her lack of control and her attempt to suppress it is horrible. It's like a fart in church. - Author: Margaret Atwood

#63. Well, don't fart or you'll scare the deer," he continued seriously. "They have very sensitive noses and ears. - Author: Jack Gantos

#64. I don't give a fiddler's fart! - Author: Frank McCourt

#65. Narzel fart," I swore. - Author: N.E. Conneely

#66. My waist is a 30. The jeans are a 28. When I fart, the Reeboks blow off. - Author: Steve Kluger

#67. They come quietly - like a silent but deadly fart - and they get you before you can pinch your nose. - Author: Terry Pratchett

#68. Walked around and hugged April so tight she let out a small fart. The both of us cracked up and I fell on the floor in hysterics. - Author: Dannika Dark

#69. She just shook her head and pulled out a small bottle of some random pop star's signature perfume, spritzing me with the sickly-sweet smell.
"Oh, come on Ash, that smells like a unicorn fart," I cried, recoiling at the overpowering, candylike smell. - Author: Cara Lynn Shultz

#70. Jerry Ford is so dumb he can't fart and chew gum at the same time. - Author: Lyndon B. Johnson

#71. That tight little accent grated on Clay's frayed nerves. He thought that if it had been a fart, it would have been the kind that comes out sounding like a party-horn blown by a kid with asthma. - Author: Stephen King

#72. If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised ... - Author: Dana Gould

#73. You know what, I think maybe it's because men like to fart, and the host wants to be able to sit in his writers' room and just pass gas freely. Me, I'm a lady. I'm dainty. I know to get up and leave the room and go to my office. - Author: Wanda Sykes

#74. Cumberbatch - it sounds like a fart in a bath, doesn't it? What a fluffy old name. I can never say it on a Monday morning. When I became an actor, Mum wasn't keen on me keeping it. - Author: Benedict Cumberbatch

#75. In the movies, every crazy old fart needs a cool old car. Jack Nicholson drove a spiffy yellow 1970 Dodge Challenger two-door in 'The Bucket List.' In 'Gran Torino,' the cranky pensioner played by Clint Eastwood not only owned a 1972 GT Sport, he also used to build cars like that at the Ford plant. - Author: Richard Corliss

#76. Pity, I've learned, is like a fart. You can tolerate your own, but you simply can't stand anyone else's. - Author: Jonathan Tropper

#77. The difference here 'twixt simple and witty folk, if the truth be known, is that your plain man cares much for what stand ye take and not a fart for why ye take it, while your smart wight leaves ye whate'er stand ye will, sobeit ye defend it cleverly. - Author: John Barth

#78. Dirk Moeller didn't know if he could fart his way into a major diplomatic incident. But he was ready to find out. - Author: John Scalzi

#79. I wonder why no one called the police about the rocket launcher? God knows my neighbors usually report it if I so much as fart in my backyard. (Bubba) - Author: Sherrilyn Kenyon

#80. Does your hip hurt much?" "Only when I laugh or fart, - Author: Kate Saunders

#81. I'm not a big scatology fan, unlike my sons, who can amuse themselves for an entire afternoon by repeating the phrase 'crocodile fart.' So I'll spare you from an overabundance of detail in this chapter. This chapter will be somewhat soft focus, like the TV camera in a Barbra Streisand interview. - Author: A. J. Jacobs

#82. I intended to make it sound guileless and rather sweet but you will see in it the little blades of social criticism without which no book is worth a fart in hell. - Author: John Steinbeck

#83. Comedy is there to basically show us we fart, we laugh, to make us realize we still are part animal. - Author: Robin Williams

#84. Mikey's father, champion of all pint drinkers, is like my uncle Pa Keating, he doesn't give a fiddler's fart what the world says and that's the way I'd like to be myself. - Author: Frank McCourt

#85. Robert Plant asked me to marry him, but I said 'no.' I mean, you just don't want to marry someone you've wanted to do it with since you were thirteen, because, well, if he farts, I would, like, die! - Author: Tori Amos

#86. You Know the Most Dangerous Thing In the Water? A Shark Fart. - Author: Gary Busey

#87. Ooh, bet that went over like a fart in church. - Author: Gayla Drummond

#88. That'd go over like a fart in a spacesuit. - Author: Cameo Renae

#89. They don't talk to me much; I don't feel like i know them." Simon said.
You're not supposed to. It's a members-only club."
Simon accepted this. "So Akira is the angry one, Kisho is the crazy one, Toyo is the old fart ... - Author: Jason Hightman

#90. If you eat Chinese food, your farts come out like Chinese food. If you eat Mexican food, your farts come out like Mexican food. And milk, it's like - you can smell the warmth in the fart. My wardrobe on Transformers always smells like farts, and I have no idea why. - Author: Megan Fox

#91. As pissed as a fart in a vacuum cleaner. - Author: Britney Spears

#92. Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it's about something else ... - Author: Demetri Martin

#93. This is an old house. Among the oldest in the area, a white clapboard former farmhouse built in 1748. Fart on the porch and it rattles a floor board in the attic. -Dice (Swoon) - Author: Nina Malkin

#94. We need grandchildren here," Pete's mother said to me
when we visited. "You don't get married just to eat and fart. - Author: Abigal Muchecheti

#95. I didn't want to do a throwaway, mindless movie with fart jokes just to make 6-year-olds laugh. I want to provide my children with some substance. - Author: Fred Durst

#96. I tell a lot of fart and poop jokes. I can't help it. I have no filter, and it just comes out. - Author: Tyler Posey

#97. I have more talent in my smallest fart than you have in your entire body. - Author: Walter Matthau

#98. ObamaCare is to health care as a fart is to an elevator. - Author: Greg Gutfeld

#99. A hundred brilliant witticisms died suffocating on the captain's heavy glove. Thus muted, I pumped my codpiece at the duke and tried to force a fart, but my bum tumpet could find no note. - Author: Christopher Moore

#100. If I could light my own farts I could fly to the moon or at least Uranus. - Author: Robin Williams