Top 100 Doctor Humor Quotes
#1. A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
Henny Youngman
#2. This,' whispered the Doctor to Romana, 'is going to be like trying to find a book about needles in a room full of books about haystacks.
Gareth Roberts
#3. When I was twelve, my appendix burst, and as they were wheeling my ass into the operating room, I asked the doctor, "How will this affect my piano playing?" and he said, "Don't worry, you'll still be able to play the piano," and I said, "Wow! I wasn't able to before!" And then they gassed me.
John Scalzi
#4. You are blessed with luck, small one', he told Harry. 'Rejoice and give thanks - - someone wants you dead.
Justin Richards
#5. Unhealthy behavior is actually common among doctors, who tend to know a lot about medicine but very little about health.
Sol Luckman
#6. Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
Anthony Jeselnik
#7. Too many OB/GYN's aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country.
George W. Bush
#8. If the story had been about anyone else, it would been dismissed as laaf, that Afghan tendency to exaggerate
sadly, almost a national affliction; if someone bragged that his son was a doctor, chances were the kid had once passed a biology test in high school.
Khaled Hosseini
#9. This is humor: A Japanese woman experiences discomfort in her eye, so she goes to see a qualified ophthalmologist. After a thorough examination, the doctor tells the Japanese woman that she has a cataract. She says, 'No, I don't. I have a Lincoln Continental.
Lee Goldberg
#10. Tanith: have you called the police?
fergus: they, uh, they said theyd call by this afternoon.
tanith: tell them not to bother ... im his doctor.
beryl: what kind of doctor dresses in brown leather?
tanith: the kind that looks good init
Derek Landy
#11. I told a doctor once, Doc, if you want to know what's inside of me, put down the x-ray and pick up my novel!
Gerard De Marigny
#12. The cybernetic operation?"
"No, the sex change."
The doctor's smile faltered.
"I'm joking.
Marissa Meyer
#13. Lucian. She's not normal. She's got the sex drive of Ursula. I'm so ashamed to say I've faked illnesses and gone to the doctor just to have a doctor's excuse! ~Steve~
Lucian Bane
#14. If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster.
Isaac Asimov
#15. A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."
Frank Carson
#16. I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!
Rodney Dangerfield
#17. I escaped from an interview with that laboratory-loving doctor, Ag O. Nee, just barely by the shadow of my Nosey nose!
I.B. Nosey
#18. Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor, I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours, free Retin-A.
Rita Rudner
#19. I went to see my doctor ... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah ... I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
Rodney Dangerfield
#21. A word a day keep's the 'head' doctor away!
Carol Robi
#22. The doctors found out that Bunbury could not live, that is what I mean - so Bunbury died.
He seems to have had great confidence in the opinion of his physicians. I am glad, however, that he made up his mind at the last to some definite course of action, and acted under proper medical advice.
Oscar Wilde
#23. The doctor was a frequent visitor at Miss Trumball's establishment, preferring it to the Lanchester house, whose girls had a saturnine disposition in his opinion, as if imported from Maine or other gloom-loving provinces.
Colson Whitehead
#24. If you'd told em you killed a blind gramma, they'd have stayed to eat the pizza and cake. Free is free.
Stephen King
#25. Gallows humor is part of having a doctor in the house. Deal with it.
J.R. Ward
#26. A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"
Henny Youngman
#27. It is high time we turned to Grammar now," said Doctor Cornelius, in a loud voice. "Will your Royal Highness be pleased to open Pulverulentus Siccus at the fourth page of his 'Grammatical Garden or the Arbour of Accidence pleasantlie open'd to Tender Wits?
C.S. Lewis
#28. Do you ever think you might be a different species of human, knitted out of raw DNA in a laboratory like in The Island of Doctor Moreau, and then turned loose to see if you can pass yourself off as normal or not?
David Mitchell
#29. I can't do anything to death, doctor's orders.
Woody Allen
#30. A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.
Tommy Cooper
#31. Please consult your child's Witch doctor before using this product. Diapers may cause severe allergies, internal bleeding, and irreversible sex change.
Kenya Wright
#32. Say 'Ah.'"
A-H-H-H-H, he fingerspelled.
Doctor Frost glanced at his mother.
"He just said 'ah' for you," she said weakly, and smiling.
"Okay, sense of humor intact," the doctor said. "Try anyway.
David Wroblewski
#33. What I'm saying, Doctor, is that I don't seem to stick my dick up these girls, as much as I stick it up their backgrounds - as though through fucking I will discover America.
Philip Roth
#34. Who is this man?'
'Chinaman, or rather half Chinese and half German. Got a daft name. Calls himself Doctor No - Doctor Julius No.'
'No? Spelt like Yes?'
'That's right.
Ian Fleming
#35. I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
Fred Allen
#36. A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"
Henny Youngman
#37. As the carriage bumped her bones along the dark country lanes, Martha decided that if she ever got back to her own time she would write a book called 'Travel in the Edwardian Era. It would be a short book - OUCH in capital letters followed by fifty pages of bad language.
Stephen Cole
#39. An apple a day keeps the doctor away.' But eating too many, is quite enough-plenty. And you'll have to go see the good doc anyway.
Solange Nicole
#40. I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
Henny Youngman
#41. If any of you are injured, take a seat in this fine classroom." Dee opens up the nearest door and peeks in. It's a classroom with a life-sized skeleton hanging on a stand. "Bones will keep you company while you wait for the doctor.
Susan Ee
#42. People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but *actually* from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint - it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly ... time-y wimey ... stuff.
Steven Moffat
#44. The guards had asked the Doctor to please wait in the hallway until Mr McCavity had time to see him. So it seemed only polite, the Doctor thought, to wait until they had gone before he wandered off to explore the house.
Justin Richards
#45. I recently bought the box set of 'Doctor Who' and watched it back to back, Unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the TV!
Milton Jones
#46. The netherworld is timeless and unchanging, and boring
much like a doctor's waiting room.
Christopher Moore
#48. "Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"
Henny Youngman
#49. Do what I do. Hold tight and pretend it's a plan!
- The Doctor, Season 7, Christmas Special
Steven Moffat
#50. When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'
George Burns
#51. Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner ... "
Henny Youngman
#52. The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"
Henny Youngman
#53. Have you ever heard of the theory of relativity?"
Artemis blinked. "Is this a joke? I have traveled through time, Doctor. I think I know a little something about relativity.
Eoin Colfer
#54. First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
Steve Martin
#55. A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."
Tommy Cooper
#57. Howie's doctor told him to lose ten pounds, and since Howie's been on a diet he's gained three.
Janet Evanovich
#58. The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
Henny Youngman
#59. (Not every doctor can look into a mouse's ear without laughing)
E.B. White
#60. A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"
Henny Youngman
#61. I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!
Henny Youngman
#62. A new doctor had been sent for, Lazzaro of Pavia, who had administered to Lorenzo a pulverized mixture of diamonds and pearls. This hitherto infallible medicine had failed to help.
Irving Stone
#63. The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"
Henny Youngman
#64. LEELA: 'To be, or not to be, that is the question.' That is a very stupid question!
THE DOCTOR: It's Shakespeare.
LEELA: And that is a very stupid name. You do not shake a spear, you throw it! Throwspeare, now that is a name.
John Dorney
#65. In the words of the philosopher Sceptum, the founder of my profession: am I going to get paid for this?
Terry Pratchett
#66. My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes.
Douglas Adams
#67. His office was on the third floor of the Humanities & Social Sciences Building, just down the hall from the interview room. On the office door was a Peanuts cartoon of Lucy in the psychiatrist's booth with the little DOCTOR is IN sign. Professor Mitchell, a man on the cutting edge of humor.
Rick Riordan
#68. For a tiny instant Faith wondered whether it would benefit the doctor's investigation if he experienced a cliff fall first-hand.
Frances Hardinge
#69. I flipped the good doctor the bird.
Snorting, Gideon caught my hand and pulled me back down the hall.
"What is it with you and giving people the finger?"
"What? It's a classic.
Sylvia Day
#70. Camus said 'Love Lasts or Love Burns'. I want a Lasting Burn-just nothing requiring a series of painful treatments by a rubber-gloved Doctor
Josh Stern
#72. I had a polynomial once. My doctor removed it.
Michael Grant
#73. I went to the doctor, and they found something in my bladder. And whenever they find something, it's never anything good like, "We found something in your bladder AND IT'S SEASON TICKETS TO THE YANKEES!!"
Mike Birbiglia
#74. When did you become a woman?"-Hatori
How dare you ask that after you have seen me naked so many times ... "-Yuki
GASP! No it cant be! Yuki-kun, does that mean ... " fan club girls
NO! He's my doctor ... "Yuki
Natsuki Takaya
#75. My doctor says I must not have any serious conversation after seven [o'clock]. It makes me talk in my sleep.
Oscar Wilde
#76. A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"
Frank Carson
#77. I'd rather go outlaw than be a doctor or a lawyer.
Larry McMurtry
#78. More insomniacs!' cried the doctor. 'Come in, come in.
Rachel Hartman
#80. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"
Tommy Cooper
#81. Doctor, if being a bitch is healthy, then I am the healthiest damn woman on the face of the earth
Augusten Burroughs
#82. A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Frank Lloyd Wright
#83. The TARDIS can look like whatever it wants.
Mora Early
#84. "Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"
Henny Youngman
#85. Commenting on print journalism at the Commenting on print journalism at the White House Correspondents' Dinner: "Thanks to Obamacare, millions of Americans can visit a doctor's office and see what a print magazine actually looks like.
Joel McHale
#86. I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
Tim Vine
#88. Why do humans never do as they're told? Someone should replace you all with robots. No, on second though, they shouldn't, bad idea.
Jonathan Morris
#89. Many sweat to reconcile St Paul and St James, but in vain. 'Faith justifies' and 'faith does not justify' contradict each other flatly. If any one can harmonize them I will give him my doctor's hood and let him call me a fool.
Martin Luther
#90. Of course, if 40% of women need oxytocin to progress normally, then something is wrong with the definition of normal.
Henci Goer
#91. Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"
Frank Carson
#92. The Doctor: I've seen bigger.
Clara: Really?
The Doctor: Are you joking? It's massive!
Steven Moffat
#93. A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."
Frank Carson
#94. When I was growing up they used to say, "Robin, drugs can kill you." Now that I'm 58 my doctor's telling me, "Robin, you need drugs to live." I realize now that my doctor is also my dealer ...
Robin Williams
#95. Just what the doctor ordered, he says. A bottle of lemonade, a hard-boiled egg, and Thou.
Margaret Atwood
#96. A technician who uses the term "glitch" is like a
Doctor who tells you you're suffering from a "thingy," except the doctor won't tell you to go home and try turning yourself on and off again.
John Connolly
#97. The doctor looked at my cardiogram and made that "hmmmm" noise that doctors are taught in medical school so they won't come right out and say "UH-oh!"
Dave Barry
#98. Oh, doctor. I think I'm sick I need some penis-cilin. I fake cough again into my hand.
S.K. Logsdon
#99. Ah, said Silver, it were fortunate for me that I had Hawkins here. You would have let old john be cut to bits, and never given it a thought, doctor.
'Not a thought,' replied Dr. Livesey cheerily.
Robert Louis Stevenson
#100. The Devil, it is true, is not exactly a doctor who has taken degrees, but he is very learned, very expert for all that. He has not been carrying on his business during thousands of years for nothing ...
Martin Luther
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