Top 100 Death And Humor Quotes
#1. Askade took the battertoast, looked at it blearily. "I can't rewire it into a death ray without some extra parts," he said, and took a bite. "Hm. Tastes okay. What's the problem?
John M. Ford
#2. I don't want to be remembered as a woman from Saint Louis who died. I want to be remembered as a woman from Saint Louis who left and actually did something with her life. Then died.
Ally Spina
#3. Sorry to hear about your Dad."
He shrugged. "He was seventy, and we always told him fast food would kill him."
"Heart attack?"
"He was hit by a Pizza Express truck.
J.A. Konrath
#4. Let me tell you: the only way to get rid of dragons is to have one of your own.
Eugene Shvarts
#5. And in what fairy tale would John ever be any sane person's idea of Prince Charming anyway? He was the opposite of charming. More like Prince Terrifying.
Meg Cabot
#6. Is this the bit where my whole life passes in front of my eyes?" He said.
NO, THAT WAS THE BIT JUST NOW.
"Which bit?"
THE BIT, said Death, BETWEEN YOU BEING BORN AND YOU DYING. NO THIS ... MR. TULIP, THIS IS YOUR WHOLE LIFE AS IT PASSED BEFORE OTHER PEOPLE'S EYES ...
Terry Pratchett
#7. I keep dying and hoping you notice me. But you're too busy living.
F.K. Preston
#8. You know Death will get you in the end, but if you are smart and have a sense of humor, you can thumb your nose at it for awhile
Jimmy Buffett
#9. Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.
Ellen DeGeneres
#10. Who knew? I had no idea that someone could be such a thorn in your foot during a death march and still be irresistibly attractive in some magical, undeniable way."
"So is this what people call sweet nothings? Because somehow, I expected it to be a little more ... complementary.
Susan Ee
#11. Hasn't stopped us before. And besides, if they wanted to kill us, we'd be dead by now and would be having an entirely different conversation. I wonder if I'd still be mad at you, or if we would talk in words or pictures. Maybe in smells. That would be cool. -Janco
Maria V. Snyder
#12. Doona worry, I'll take care of you." He grasped her hand in his. "You're going to be all right."
Chloe's gaze drifted to Loa. "That a snake?"
Loa said, "She keeps death away."
Chloe blinked those big eyes up at him and whispered, "Wish that was the weirdest thing ... I've heard tonight.
Kresley Cole
#13. Don't do that again, he growled in my mind.
Smiling, I thought. You have to admit it was cool.
Cool? You are a devastatingly beautiful angel of death. If death came for me and it looked like you, I'd go willingly.
Colleen Houck
#14. By the time she had interpreted Harry's dreams at the top of her voice (all of which, even the ones that involved eating porridge, apparently foretold a gruesome and early death), he was feeling much less sympathetic toward her.
J.K. Rowling
#15. I don't understand how I can always want to sleep, hate waking up, and yet be afraid of death.
Mike Heil
#16. I was court-martialed in my absence, and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.
Thomas Hardy
#17. I don't know what it is about "magic happens"-stickers on cars but every time I see one I wanna get out my permanent marker and sneak over and write underneath it "so does cot death".
Tim Minchin
#18. You hear even a hint that a blizzard's coming, Roxanne Giselle, you go straight to the store and buy toilet paper, you hear me? And make a pot of chili or stew. Don't get caught out. I don't want a phone call saying you starved to death, stuck in the house with no stew.
Kristen Ashley
#19. Eventually our whole world, every culture, will explode and we'll all just be fucking cosmic dust. We'll all dissipate. We'll all be nothing and everything. What's more spiritual than that?
Dash Shaw
#20. I am often thought of as being remarkably bright, and yet my brains, more often than not, are busily devising new and interesting ways of bringing my enemies to sudden, gagging, writhing, agonizing death.
Alan Bradley
#21. Scarlet: "But you're bleeding
pretty bad ... and you're probably in a lot of pain - "
Tristan: "I'm fine."
Scarlet raised a brow. "Fine. Bleed to death. Whatever.
Chelsea Fine
#22. Any requests on the kind of car?"
"Something with armor?" she said. "Oooh, and headrest DVD. Bonus for surround sound."
"Rocket launchers," Michael said.
"One hot yellow Hummer with optional mass destruction package, coming up.
Rachel Caine
#23. So if there is something on the planet that is worth living for, I'd better not miss it, because once you're dead, it's too late for regrets, and if you die by mistake, that is really, really dumb.
Muriel Barbery
#24. I have a theory that as human beings get older, chemicals are released into the brain to prepare us for the end. Sort of like how the nurse lubes your ass up before the anus-cam. It makes the whole thing a lot easier to swallow. Easier, not enjoyable.
Kris D'Agostino
#25. To each his own, I supposed, and I had more important things, like my impending death, to worry about.
Sage Kafsky
#26. He was conservative, especially on the abortion issue, and he was death on taxes; on the other hand, he had a Clintonesque attitude about women, and even a sense of humor about his own peccadilloes.
John Sandford
#27. Nuala, can we just have, like, a cease-fire? I mean, you can go back to calling me an ass and trying to lure me to my death tomorrow and I'll go back to treating you like a psychotic bitch and researching ways to exorcise you in the morning, but seriously, can we just have a cease-fire for tonight?
Maggie Stiefvater
#28. Oh, and it's also Reaming Day, the day where the kids between the ages of twelve to eighteen are chosen to participate in the Hunger But Mainly DeathGames, which, as you might expect from the name, is a tournament in which kidsfight to the death, and occasionally experience hunger.
William Maxwell
#29. Any time there's a lot of pressure, it's life and death, you go toward this very dark kind of humor. Soldiers do it. Cops do it.
Ronald Perelman
#30. Things stayed peaceful in there, even as the crashing vehicles and the cries of the injured and dying reached a crescendo outside.
"I fry mine in butter!" indeed.
Kurt Vonnegut
#31. The Angel of Death is always a young person, or a group of young people, you'll begin seeing them left and right soon.
Benjamin R. Smith
#32. Unfortunately when I'm on my death bed I believe I'll be like most people and still looking for Jesus. And yes I've checked my sock drawer.
Stanley Victor Paskavich
#33. I don't know whether to be proud or appalled that danger, blood and death inspire you so.
Samantha Young
#34. I grabbed my napkin and managed to pretend to sneeze which had the added effect of covering up most of my face which was surely completely beet red with embarrassment at this point. Yeah, I was classy and suave like that. Jesus Christ, Angel, get a grip!
Diana Rowland
#35. It is said that the dead are infinitely patient, although it is usually said by the living, and how would they know?
Lee Battersby
#36. Death and taxes are the only two certainties in life, as Mark Twain once said. Or was it Benjamin Franklin?
Stephen Leather
#37. Right," Sadie said. "And Set will just stand there calmly while I read him to death.
Rick Riordan
#38. Women, when they kill themselves, choose far more romantic methods - like slashing their wrists or taking an overdose of sleeping pills.Abandoned princesses and Hollywood actresses have provided numerous examples of this.
Paul Coelho
#39. Death is, in fact, oddly pleasant, and certainly an improvement on what comes immediately before it.
E.A.A. Wilson
#40. My humor was kind of from my dad and all the stuff that we went through, which was a lot of death. My humor was an escape.
Bob Saget
#41. He thought, Yeah. Yeah, non-smokers live seven years longer. Which seven will be subtracted by the god called Time? It won't be that convulsive, heart-bursting spell between twenty-eight and thirty-five. No. It'll be that really cool bit between eighty-six and ninety-three.
Martin Amis
#42. Death didn't bother me much. Strong Christian and all that. Method of death did. Being eaten alive. One of my top three ways not to go out.
Laurell K. Hamilton
#43. Good morning!" my partner, Derrel, said in an insanely cheerful voice. "I need my Angel to come out and play.
Diana Rowland
#44. When you're reaching the end of the semester and you just wanna die. Coffin Making 101 is literally killing me.
-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz
Karen Quan
#45. He thought he saw some horses, too, and a clown, but it was the faces of all those dead raptors that really bothered him. And maybe that clown a little bit.
Vernon D. Burns
#46. While I fielded holiday news requests and worked on my end of year expense reports, the Angel of Death sat opposite my desk and played Angry Birds on his cell phone.
Elicia Hyder
#47. Our love was a two-person game. At least until one of us died, and the other became a murderer.
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
#48. I've never written a quote I feel would be suitable for my gravestone. Wouldn't it be ironic if it were this one? Oh, and could you pull a few weeds while you're here?
Ryan Lilly
#49. Ohh, how clever," Aden said and clapped. "A death threat. You know what's funny? That's not even my first of the day.
Gena Showalter
#50. The only thing set in stone are dumb quotes and names of dead people. Everything else is subject to change.
Kimberly Spencer
#51. Just to keep the bad dreams at bay, she took a swig out of a bottle that smelled of apples and happy brain-death.
Terry Pratchett
#52. A nationalist will blindly follow his country to his death out of love for it. A patriot will stand up for and even against his country to his death out of love for it.
Janvier Chouteu-Chando
#53. We are Sex Bob-Omb and we are here to make you think about death and get sad and stuff!
Bryan Lee O'Malley
#54. If this was what Mikhail called opening the gate close to Zayvion's body, I was going to kill a compass and a slide rule and send them through the gates of death to him.
Devon Monk
#55. I'd heard that if you saw a Reaper, you saw what you expected to see, what you thought the agents of Death would look like. Personally, I wanted to see little, fuzzy pink bunnies, but apparently my subconscious visualized tall, scary, and skeletal. My subconscious and I needed to have a long talk.
Lisa Shearin
#56. I am your Prince and you will marry me," Humperdinck said.
Buttercup whispered, "I am your servant and I refuse."
"I am you Prince and you cannot refuse."
"I am your loyal servant and I just did."
"Refusal means death."
"Kill me then.
William Goldman
#57. Adam pressed his hand to his face. Sighed. Right. It's just that ... He died. And I'm so freaking pissed off, I swear I'd punch him in the face if he were standing right here.
Kristina McBride
#58. It was like my uterus was tapping out a happy dance on the rest of my organs. God, I was dying the longest, most tortuous, and arousing death in the history of the world.
Cora Carmack
#59. I had no idea how to respond, and opted for a smile, which serves me well on most occasions (not if it's something to do with death or illness, though -- I know that now.)
Gail Honeyman
#60. Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales was expected to clock in at anywhere between 100 and 120 chapters. Unfortunately, the dude only managed to finish 24 tales before he suffered an insurmountable and permanent state of writer's block commonly known as death.
Jacopo Della Quercia
#61. You're just Little Miss Optimist, aren't you? Do you come with accessories, like a glass half full and lemons to make into lemonade, too?
Rachel Caine
#62. I smile quietly. She is with me all the time. I feel stupid now, for not seeing it sooner. But hey, at least we'll have this strange story to tell, love and death and blood and daddy-issues. And holy crap, I am a psychiatrist's wet dream.- Cas Lowood, Anna Dressed in Blood
Kendare Blake
#63. He had been inspired to start a career in the porn industry after reading the incredible tale of a Japanese man who avenged the death of his sister by going down on her best friend for seven days and seven nights.
Mark Jackman
#64. If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats?
Philip, Duke Of Edinburgh
#65. Only teasing', Death seemed to be saying over his shoulder with a rictus smile, with good humor and an oddly paternal affection. 'Take care of yourself, okay? We'll play again.
Barry Eisler
#66. He is in heaven now, and happy; or if not there, he bides in hell and is content; for in that place he will find neither abbot nor yet bishop.
Mark Twain
#67. Kids are supposed to relax on vacations, and enjoy themselves, not sitting in the back seat of a car making peace with death and gripping a rosary because Mom is playing chicken with oncoming cars in the mountains.
Joshua David Swift
#68. The train hit her with the sound of a meat-filled hefty bag smacking the pavement, and the effect was much the same, I guess. (Dark City Lights)
Warren Moore
#69. And why does it smell like something DIED in the mud and is STILL in there rotting?
Rachel Renee Russell
#70. I kept a picture of me kissing my dad's corpse on the forehead in my wallet for years. I'd break it out any time someone showed me a baby picture, just so they would know how it ends.
Doug Stanhope
#71. But that's what nonfiction is, people. Shitty feelings and encounters with death.
Mark Leyner
#72. I like Dancing of Indian girls more than my parents' prayers . Because they dance with love and passion . But my parents just say their prayers because they got used to it .
Ali Shariati
#73. When Tony lost it, it would be up to Ruger to take Lady Death by the tits and giver a good tweak. That's how he saw it. Give Lady Death's tits a good tweak.
Jonathan Maberry
#74. Still, waking up this early was just wrong. "Why can't people be reasonable and only die after eleven A.M.?" I whined.
Diana Rowland
#75. Jimmy Finn was not burned in the calaboose, but died a natural death in a tan vat, of a combination of delirium tremens and spontaneous combustion. When I say natural death, I mean it was a natural death for Jimmy Finn.
Mark Twain
#76. You know that thing about Death Be Not Proud? Well, Fear Be Not Proud either. And Fear Be Not Elegant. What Fear be is stumbling, bumbling flight, crashing through brush, slip-sliding on pine needles, sloshing through puddles that are always deeper than you expect.
Josh Lanyon
#77. My life was going to flash before my eyes, but it decided to hide behind my eyes and quake with terror instead.
Sarah Rees Brennan
#78. Death, I had discovered long ago, was available in varying flavors, and none of them particularly palatable.
Jasper Fforde
#79. And you know," Jeanne said, looking down at Sylvia with her hands on her hips, "that's how I want to go. Taking my own way out ... and totally pissing everybody off at the end.
L.J.Smith
#80. They say it grows so cold up here in winter that a man's laughter freezes in his throat and chokes him to death," Ned said evenly. "Perhaps that is why the Starks have so little humor.
George R R Martin
#81. There's and entire world outside these bleak pages, one full of SUNRISES and KITTY-CATS and late-night BURRITO RUNS and the horrible, creaking amble of us all towards DEATH. It is to that world that I am afraid I must release you to now.
David Malki
#82. The wages of sin is death but so is the salary of virtue, and at least the evil get to go home early on Fridays.
Terry Pratchett
#83. His vital signs were taken, an electrocardiogram ... which revealed occasional ventricular premature contractions. An intern took his history ... and then he was promptly ... simply ... forgotten to death.
Paddy Chayefsky
#84. (So I heard the boom of my fathr's rifle when he shot my best friend.) A bullet only costs about two cents, and anybody can afford that.(14)
Sherman Alexie
#85. I liked the idea of bouncy, open-air Jeeps and I liked the outfits with all the pockets, only I didn't really want to live in Africa and be shot by poachers/get malaria/get stabbed to death.
Deb Caletti
#86. The greatest happiness is a quiet kind. It's the tender understanding that we're living in a very strange place full of strange creatures. And there's quite a bit of wonder in that.
F.K. Preston
#87. Death's got an Invisibility Cloak?" Harry interrupted again.
"So he can sneak up on people," said Ron. "Sometimes he gets bored of running at them, flapping his arms and shrieking ...
J.K. Rowling
#88. I struggled for something to cling to, the way soldiers in foxholes picture their families, or a flag.
My car, I thought crazily. This fucker crashed the Wongmobile. And for that, he must taste death.
David Wong
#89. You only break out the good stuff when you want something. Usually something that includes blood, death, and/or mayhem.
Alexandra Ivy
#90. Apparently they died from overfeeding. Apparently I overfed them. Apparently fish are terrible glutons with absolutely no self-control who just don't know when they've had enough and will stuff themselves to death with those innocuous little beige flakes imaginatively labeled 'fish food.
Steve Toltz
#91. Death strode away, stopped, and came back. He pointed a skeletal finger at The Duck Man.
WHY, he said, ARE YOU WALKING AROUND WITH THAT DUCK?
"What duck?"
AH. SORRY.
Terry Pratchett
#92. All that is required of you is an open mind and a little patience.
F.K. Preston
#93. Live, die, something else lives. The very soil humanity walks upon is built up from death. Digging into a flowerbed means digging into bones.
M. Jones
#94. When we are dealing with death we are constantly being dragged down by the event: Humor diverts our attention and lifts our sagging spirits.
Allen Klein
#95. Death doesn't bother me but murder makes me edgy, and my lack of weaponry suddenly felt like a potentially fatal mistake. If we got back to the hotel alive, I wasn't coming back here again without my knife and the baseball bat. And maybe a tank, if I could find one fast enough.
Seanan McGuire
#96. Death rode out, but found himself guiding the white horse down the track to the orchard. He stopped in front of one particular tree, and stared at it for some time. Eventually he said: LOOKS PERFECTLY LOGICAL TO ME.
Terry Pratchett
#98. Sad, slow music in the small hours of the morning isn't just sad and slow music. It's a narration. And through the myriad of morning dew, we are the twinkling stars that fade with the rising sun.
Dave Matthes
#99. Matty just rolled his eyes and walked over to his older brother. "Why is it when everyone thinks they're on their death bed, they suddenly find Jesus?"
Jayne shrugged and replied, "Because that's where he likes to hang out?
Nonjon
#100. Anyone who says forty is the new twenty can suck it - if they can bend over enough to reach it. It's more like the new ninety, because you're now seriously pondering when Death will ring your doorbell in the form of those everyday pains and aches that now torture your once hot, tight body.
Christine Zolendz
