Top 83 Couple Humor Quotes
#1. Funny songs aren't usually that good. Like Weird Al and maybe a couple of Beatles songs, but it's kind of hard to bring humor into rock music in an interesting way.
Win Butler
#2. Are you real?" Stupid. Of course he's real.
"Yes, Julie. I'm not the mystical man from your dreams.
Caroline George
#3. Maybe he was what Lucian would have turned out to be if the old sheriff hadn't have lived in such interesting times. A couple of years in a Japanese prison camp might be just what Turk needed. But I didn't have a bridge over the river Kwai for him to build so we had to settle for Powder Junction.
Craig Johnson
#4. I'm not saying you're weak, but you brawl like a couple of girls having a pillow fight.
Andrew Sturm
#5. Geography is just physics slowed down, with a couple of trees stuck in it.
Terry Pratchett
#6. There was a multitude of sexual scenarios, from a
simple one-on-one couple fucking like bunnies to an
outright orgy with no less than eight people joined like
LEGOs.
Maya Banks
#7. Gracie: You have an unusual house. Have you lived here long?
Bobby Tom: A couple of years. I don't much like it myself, but the architect is real proud of it. She calls it urban Stone Age with a Japanese Tahitian influence. I sort of just call it ugly.
Susan Elizabeth Phillips
#8. My dear countrymen, I hope that you will live to see the day when you learn to believe in other gods than a few movie whores and a couple of prize-fighters.
Friedrich Reck-Malleczewen
#9. Humor is like a rhythm; it's like music. And you throw a couple of extra syllables in, you wreck the beat and you kill the laugh. So I try to follow the writers very carefully because I know how carefully they worked to do it that way.
Betty White
#10. I was in the shopping mall because that's where I go lately. For the last couple of weeks, I've been going there every day, trying to figure out why people go there. It's kind of a personal project.
Stephen Chbosky
#11. Watching the couple, she silently wishes she had just cleaned out her damn coffee pot.
Solange Nicole
#12. Royce nodded. "Invest in crossbows. Next time stay hidden and just put a couple bolts into each of your target's chests. All this talking is just stupid."
"Royce!" Hadrian admonished.
"What? You're always saying I should be nicer to people. I'm trying to be helpful.
Michael J. Sullivan
#13. Sometimes I hate him. When he does the dishes, he shakes off each one before setting it in the drying rack. Water flies everywhere. A couple of drops always hit me in the face. I have to leave the room to avoid smashing a plate against his head.
Tarryn Fisher
#14. I had a dream about you. You were so cute, and I was holding you for a long time. We went for a walk, happily strutting down the street. We saw a couple others but they weren't having as much fun as we were. We arrived back home and I gave you a kiss on the nose and a bone.
Ashley Kennett
#15. Listen, street punk. You're a guy, and you're a couple inches taller, and maybe forty pounds heavier, and ooh, you're in a gang. But I've survived ten years of Catholic school, and I will cut you off at your knees without a blink. Do you understand?
James Patterson
#16. The almost egregiously English couple, Cedric and Rosamund Chailey, had slipped quietly away when the conversation turned to God. It had not seemed polite to be present when anything so American was being discussed.
Michael Frayn
#17. Allison's eyes dart between me and the knives. Yeah, lady, a couple of hours in jail and I've moved from destruction of property to sociopath.
Katie McGarry
#18. He lost himself somewhere on the harmless side of lunacy, slightly south of innocuous but definetly north of demented.
Tony Vigorito
#19. Do not pay attention to my cousins. Every family needs a couple idiots and we keep them around for entertainment.
Michelle M. Pillow
#20. Woolies had a DVD sale on so I treated myself to a couple or five plus two CD's, one of which is The Smiths. It'll come in handy when my credit card statement hits the mat and I need something to listen to that's conducive to suicide.
Gillibran Brown
#21. To me, comedians are the last great storytellers because they depict their stories and create their effect with so few words. In the span of a couple minutes, stand-up comics can communicate more emotion than most novels do in hours worth of reading.
Chuck Palahniuk
#23. Yeah," Chris said. "I lose a couple limbs getting drunk and falling into harvesting combine, I'm an idiot. I lose the same limbs because I happened to be standing next to the right door when the ship was damaged, I'm a hero.
James S.A. Corey
#24. This is the silliest thing I've heard since the cat yoga craze a couple of years ago. I went right out and bought a cat yoga instruction book and tiny terry-cloth headband and renamed my girl cat 'Olive Neutered John,' which she didn't think was funny. Cats have no sense of humor.
Celia Rivenbark
#25. I got brown sandwiches and green sandwiches. It's either very new cheese or very old meat. - Oscar Madison, from The Odd Couple
Neil Simon
#26. I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said "Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear". I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.
Demetri Martin
#27. Yo, man," he said. "You got, like, half a dog hanging off your back bumper."
"Do I?"
"Yeah. Did you drive over it? On purpose, like?"
"No. The Buddha teaches respect for all life." Then, under his breath. "I guess I did shoot a couple though.
Scott Hawkins
#28. You look great," he said.
It made her smile, even if it was a lie. "I'm as big as a house."
He laughed. "I like houses. In fact, I'm thinking about architecture as a career.
Kristin Hannah
#29. But then it was over too quickly and they pulled away. She knew they couldn't stand there and kiss like a couple on the run in a thriller.
Joss Ware
#30. It never ceases to amaze me how adaptable social geometry can be. Within a couple of days I went from being the centre of the circle to an indefinite point outside its circumference.
K.J. Parker
#31. Arthur shook his head and sat down. He looked up.
"I thought you must be dead ... " he said simply.
"So did I for a while," said Ford, "and then I decided I was a lemon for a couple of weeks. I kept myself amused all that time jumping in and out of a gin and tonic.
Douglas Adams
#32. You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.
George Carlin
#33. My relationship with my wife is fraught with all of the problems that any couples face, but there is a sense of humor that we have about it and a real desire to want to make it better.
Joe Swanberg
#34. I killed a couple of people," Scooter said. "Wanna play cards?
Forrest Carr
#35. Clear skin, a manicure, a couple dead zombies, and then fame!
Faith McKay
#36. You can take him, right?" he asks a couple minutes later.
I go, "Are you kidding? You can't just fight Blade, you have to fight his gang, too."
"You mean you couldn't take him and I was giving him lip?
Rodman Philbrick
#37. I knew that kind of thinking was paranoid, but after the wacky crap that had happened to me over the last couple of months, these days I'd be suspicious of a jolly white-bearded man in a red suit carrying a bag over his shoulder.(Violet Parker)
Ann Charles
#38. I don't know where my ideas come from. I will admit, however, that one key ingredient is caffeine. I get a couple cups of coffee into me and weird things just start to happen.
Gary Larson
#39. Did you sleep well?"
"No, I made a couple of mistakes.
Steven Wright
#40. Michael had to pound me a couple of times to convince me not to go stage a rescue." Shane shrugged. "He hits like a girl, for a vampire.
Rachel Caine
#41. Hey, I notice you look like you're coming down off a meth binge and smell vaguely of algae. Were you perchance dancing with a snakebit Margo Roth Spiegelman a couple of hours ago?
John Green
#42. She fucking turns me inside out."
"Women who matter have a way of doing that." Lucas scowled. "We sound like a couple of women, talking about feelings. I think Sascha's having a bad influence on me."
"You started it.
Nalini Singh
#43. Walt is dead. And, after a couple of hours at Epcot, you'll wish you were, too.
P. J. O'Rourke
#44. It's a lazy Saturday afternoon, there's a couple lying naked in bed reading Encyclopediea Brittannica to each other, and arguing about whether the Andromeda Galaxy is more 'numinous' than the Ressurection. Do they know how to have a good time, or don't they?
Carl Sagan
#45. What's with what you're wearing?" Griggs asks while we stand outside waiting for the others.
"It's pretty hideous, isn't it?" I say.
"Don't force me to look at it," he says. "It's see-through."
That kills conversation for a couple of seconds.
Melina Marchetta
#46. I've had a tense couple of days. And I've got to tell you, burning someone's face off sounds like a great way to relax.
Jim Butcher
#47. Romantic love has its place but to define relationship solely in romantic terms is like describing marriage only by what a couple does on their honeymoon.
Dermot Davis
#48. There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.
Bill Bailey
#49. You and I both know that love is for children,' he said. 'We're adults. Compatibility is for adults.'
'Compatibility is for my Bluetooth and my car,' Teresa replied. 'Only they get along just fine, and my car never makes my bluetooth feel like shit.
Maggie Stiefvater
#50. Wow, put the girl through a couple of days of high-level stress, dress her in black leather and give her a gun, and suddenly she went all Xena: Warrior Princess.
Julie Ann Walker
#51. Suiffy, have you ever felt a sort of strange emptiness in the heart? A sort of aching void of the soul?'
'Oh, rather!'
'What do you do about it?'
'I generally take a couple of cocktails.
P.G. Wodehouse
#52. I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.
Rodney Dangerfield
#53. Frederick left the young couple gazing into each other's eyes. Revolting, the way otherwise sensible people could carry on, he decided. Something to do with being married, no doubt. Perhaps it damaged the brain.
Caroline Stevermer
#54. I've never created a riot before. I did cause a brawl at the last formal. A large number of young women there actually arrived with the expectation of seducing me into matrimony, and a couple of their mothers came to blows. It was hilari - I mean, dreadful. Simply dreadful.
Ilona Andrews
#55. If a couple has their picture taken at a wedding or other social gathering, and the woman looks hot, her guy could be blinking, chewing, or even mid-sneeze, and she'll still display it on her desk at work.
Brian P. Cleary
#56. They kill hundreds of people, those pilots. I would have loved to have flown the plane that dropped the bomb on Japan. A couple of dudes killed hundreds of thousands. That f****** rules! Yeah!
Evan Wright
#57. Goodness, a girl steps out of the office for a couple days and the whole world ends!
A.J. Lauer
#58. I got the sneaking suspicion that the vampire was a couple of Peeps short of an Easter basket.
Jim Butcher
#59. Never make a person feel, that he/she is very (extra) special.. Cause, then that person starts feeling that 'You' are not worth him/her.
Honeya
#60. We're like the couple on the sitcom that has good sparks but never get together for the sake of ratings.
Aimee Bender
#61. I'm not sure if there's one right place I'm supposed to be, he said, but I know a couple of wrong places I'd give a second try in a heartbeat.
Brian Andreas
#62. I was kidding. Even I'm not that promiscuous. You guru people have no sense of humor."
"I'm not a guru people, and I happen to have a very well developed sense of humor. Why else would I still be talking to you?
Susan Elizabeth Phillips
#63. This guy was making me tired. "Thanks for the afternoon's entertainment," I said. "I'll flush a copy of my bill down the toilet. You should be getting it in a couple of days.
John Swartzwelder
#64. What kind of married couple uses a pole on their wedding night?
H.M. Ward
#65. Privately he called them a couple of puffed-up, dressed-up, made-up, stuck-up, brainless parakeets.
Shirley Hughes
#66. If John Grisham, Harper Lee, and Larry the Cable Guy were penned up in a remote cabin for a weekend with nothing but good bourbon, fine wine, and a couple of cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, something like Common Pleas (A Tale of Whoa!) might result...
J. Randolph Cresenzo
#67. the only thing in his head was a couple of drunk hamsters stumbling towards the wheel.
R.C. Dilan
#68. A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'
Demetri Martin
#69. If you actually are an educated, thinking person, you will not be welcome in Washington, D.C. I know a couple of bright seventh graders who would not be welcome in Washington D.C.
Kurt Vonnegut
#70. What else is life but a couple of pickles in a jar.
Keri L. Sparks
#71. You lose a couple of pounds and get a guy good and drunk, you could have a hell of a good time even if you are not smart.
Lois Greiman
#72. When they arrived at Parva Magna, everyone agreed that it was quite a good thing that
the newly married couple had managed to find shelter in the storm, although there was some
confusion as to why it had taken them a full three days to make their way fifteen miles.
Lauren Willig
#73. I want steak," he said, stopping to look at her. "And shrimp. And lobster. And pancakes. And a candy bar".
"I'm sorry, you'll have to settle for a couple of sandwiches".
Thomas sighed."Figures".
James Dashner
#74. Plus, I wondered if any of these celebrities were alive; or if Brangelina was now a zombified couple.
Shannon Jaeger
#75. Not only is he mentally challenged, all he has is a couple of scary fangs and absolutely no idea what kind of fire is in this furnace.
Jayde Scott
#76. The original WAS a fun film. [Paul] Verhoeven made a couple of 'Robocops' that were so great, too. I think the level of excitement is great and Arnie [Schwarzenegger] was particularly charismatic with that chopped up English, and the size of the man with his confidence and sense of humor.
Colin Farrell
#77. Parker and I are good...friends."
"Seriously?" Martha quirked an eyebrow. "What're ya'll for real? A couple? I swear you look as smitten as a bull in a herd of...other bulls.
Kerry Adrienne
#78. And onto the screen pops a couple of housewives who start having a poop fit when they see how clean their new dish soap got the dinner plates
David James Duncan
#79. Where are you from? New York?"
"Weird you picked up on that," she said, "I've been gone from there for so long."
Like a couple of decades could dilute that accent.
Cathie Beck
#80. You and Raquel should lead the attack against the IPCA facility. Where is it? Iceland? Siberia?"
"Illinoise," Raquel answered. "Normal, Illinoise, a couple of hours outside Chicago."
I snorted. "Finally, IPCA gets a sense of humor.
Kiersten White
#81. Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail.
Chelsea Handler
#82. Our interactions were confined to a nod as I settled down into my seat. A few days into our routine and we were like an old married couple
we'd just missed out the honeymoon and skipped straight from flirtation to habit." from "First Impressions
Josephine Myles
#83. I like you, Calla. Yeah, I've only known you a couple of days. But you've made me laugh," he said, his gaze never leaving mine. "I can also tell you're nice and sweet when you wanna be. I think you're cute as hell and you make me hard
Jennifer L. Armentrout
