Top 100 Comedy Humor Quotes
#1. Reckoner Super Plan for Killing Regalia ...
Step One: find Regalia, then totally explode her. Lots and Lots.
Step Two: put Val on decaf.
Step Three: Mizzy gets a cookie.
Brandon Sanderson
#2. I'm going to make love to you, Lanie. I'm not your first, but I will be the last.
Flora Roberts
#4. Play the age as comedy if you want to get away with murder.
James Agee
#5. Sad, slow music in the small hours of the morning isn't just sad and slow music. It's a narration. And through the myriad of morning dew, we are the twinkling stars that fade with the rising sun.
Dave Matthes
#6. I despise Wednesdays! They are the Marquis de Sade of the work week. Wednesday are so awful that...wait..what? It's Thurs? (face-palm)
L.G.A. McIntyre
#7. I think the main thing about comedy and humor is that it's impossible and always was impossible to define.
Mike Nichols
#8. Life doesn't make any sense, and we all pretend it does. Comedy's job is to point out that it doesn't make sense, and that it doesn't make much difference anyway.
Eric Idle
#9. Love is a two-way street constantly under construction.
Carroll Bryant
#10. I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.
Gerald R. Ford
#11. Otis," I said.
"Shhh," he said. "I'm incognito. Call me...Otis."
"I'm not sure that's how incognito works, but okay."
Otis, aka Otis climbed into the chair I'd reserved for Sam.
Rick Riordan
#12. Forget it," I said. "Opie could be bloodthirsty, rabid, radioactive, and selling life insurance and he'd still be preferable to listening to the two of you.
John Zakour
#13. Comedy is a distortion of what is happening, and there will always be something happening.
Steve Martin
#14. Great Gates almighty," HARV said inside my brain. "I go off-line for a few nanos and the whole world goes to DOS.
John Zakour
#16. The first rule of book club - is that nobody wants to talk about book club.
Douglas Lewis
#17. Time heals all wounds. Unless they're infected. Like gangrene. That shit'll kill you.
Johnny Moscato
#18. You can't study comedy; it's within you. It's a personality. My humor is an attitude.
Don Rickles
#19. Nobody ever goes to that store to shop because it's too crowded.
Sol Luckman
#20. A pair of great heels was much more satisfying than a man. They lasted longer, and better yet, they didn't leave me for someone prettier.
Cindi Madsen
#21. Noble starets, tell me, are my high spirits offensive to you or not? Fyodor Pavlovich suddenly exclaimed, gripping the arms of his chair with both hands and appearing ready to leap out of it, depending on the reply.
Fyodor Dostoyevsky
#22. Every child needs a father. Even if he turns out to be Darth Vader.
Jackson Radcliffe
#24. If a couple has their picture taken at a wedding or other social gathering, and the woman looks hot, her guy could be blinking, chewing, or even mid-sneeze, and she'll still display it on her desk at work.
Brian P. Cleary
#25. My own inclination is to skew towards humor. They say that some people view life as a comedy, others as a tragedy. Me? Comedy all the way.
Lauren Willig
#26. The medium is the message, the message is encrypted, and the encryption key is controlled by NSA.
The Covert Comic
#27. Charlie Chaplin's genius was in comedy. He has no sense of humor, particularly about himself.
Lita Grey
#28. CASSIO: Dost thou hear, my honest friend?
CLOWN: No, I hear not your honest friend, I hear you.
CASSIO: Prithee, keep up thy quillets.
William Shakespeare
#29. Agres!" she hissed again even louder this time "WHAT!" Tria smiled "Oh good you are alive.
Charon Lloyd-Roberts
#30. HARV, can you help at all here?" I asked, spinning downward.
"I am writing your obituary. Well, not so much writing it as updating it," HARV told me.
If I lived, I was going to kill HARV.
John Zakour
#31. It's true - there are only, like, two songs about rainbows, including that one. He should be asking why there are so few songs about rainbows.
Cheryl Cory
#32. Fox does the NFL a lot like they program the rest of the network. There's sort of a locker room sense of humor that prevails. With ESPN, it's more like a pat-you-on-the-back kind of comedy. I mean, they'll all get on each other a little bit, but it's never mean-spirited.
Frank Caliendo
#33. You're sure he's not a vampire?' Claire said.'I've seen movies. They're sneaky.' She was kidding. Eve didn't smile.
Rachel Caine
#34. Take care of your husband and do your "homework." For every headache you have there will be a women out there with an aspirin in her purse.
Jane Jenkins Herlong
#35. Hello and welcome to this collection of calls put together specifically to embarrass the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Now you'll hear us tackle the very pillars of science: physics, chemistry, fluid dynamics and, of course, cream rinse.
Tom Magliozzi
#36. What exactly does the I in FBI stand for?" ~Maggie Mae Castro
Beth Yarnall
#37. Well, bloody noses." I hug his coat tighter. "Those are definitely hot.
Stephanie Perkins
#38. Walking into Nova Hollywood, I remembered why I didn't come here more often. I like a good slice of cheese as much as the next guy, but this place would be too cheesy for a giant mutant rat who had been starving for a week.
John Zakour
#39. Humor is very interesting to me. My films are not comedies, but there's comedy in them from time to time, absurdities, just like in real life.
David Lynch
#40. It'd be great to be so famous that if I murder someone, I will never, ever, ever serve any jail time, even if it's totally obvious to everyone that I did it.
Mindy Kaling
#41. Our specialty was exasperated dignity and the discombombulation of Authority.
Mack Sennett
#42. Nothing gives you confidence like being a member of a small, weirdly specific, hard-to-find demographic.
Mindy Kaling
#43. Yeah, but will it hurt?"' I asked.
"This is science, Zach," Randy said, reassuringly, as he tilted my head back and lowered the lens to my eye. "Of course it will hurt.
John Zakour
#44. Bad improvisers block action, often with a high degree of skill. Good improvisers develop action.(p.115)
Malcolm Gladwell
#45. Our records, if you have a dark sense of humor, were funny, but our records weren't about comedy. They were about protests, fantasy, confrontation and all that.
Ice Cube
#46. In certain circumstances, basically shit ones, it's fight or flight. With Tommy it's always fright and flight.
Terry Weible Murphy
#47. Oh, friend John, it is a strange world, a sad world, a world full of miseries, and woes and troubles, and yet when King Laugh come he make them all dance to the tune he play.
Bram Stoker
#48. Spanish - how shall I say this? - is like
Portuguese spoken with a speech impediment.
Sol Luckman
#49. I'm happy that I have brought laughter because I have been shown by many the value of it in so many lives, in so many ways.
Lucille Ball
#50. What is she doing here? I wondered. Hasn't she had enough green-upping?
Lisa Papademetriou
#51. It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still.
Bill Bailey
#52. People always talk about how great it is to get older. All I saw were more rules and more adults telling me what I could and couldn't do, in the name of what's " good for me." Yeah, well, asparagus is good for me, but it still makes me want to throw up.
James Patterson
#53. Anyone who is considered funny will tell you, sometimes without even your asking, that deep inside they are very serious, neurotic, introspective people.
Wendy Wasserstein
#54. There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.
George Carlin
#55. Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.
Steve Martin
#56. 98% of all comedians feel obliged to be funny when interviewed. Less than 2% succeed.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
#57. I like very dry humor. I don't like things that are over the top. I like subtlety. I like things that are nonchalant. I like characters that are sort of monotone and based in dark comedy.
Emily Rios
#58. I do find things funny. When you see life through the eyes of someone with a good sense of humor, which my grandmother did, life is a human comedy.
George Takei
#59. I had one friend with same-sex orientation, and Dana hadn't spoken to me since I asked her to describe her honeymoon in graphic detail - and then made vibrator noises.
Dani Alexander
#60. No,' the professor replied. 'Her Majesty s alive and well - at least I assume so if she hasn't met a certain van driver from Yeovil.' ~Professor Hamilton
Bryan Davis
#61. Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.
Bill Cosby
#62. My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
Chelsea Handler
#63. You called the guy you're supposed to rescue a nerd, and you just referenced Star Trek. You don't find that a bit nerdy?
A.J. Wiliams
#64. My life was full of drama, with the highs and lows of Tyler's daily mood swings and my private innuendos with Vandenberg. There'd never been a movie made that could permanently shift my mood away from my disappointment with myself.
J.C. Patrick
#65. The verdict of this court is that the accused are guilty of witchcraft. The maximum penalty the law allows is to be burned to death.However, in view of your previous good background I am disposed to be lenient. I therefore sentence you to be burned alive.
Richard Curtis
#67. Comedy is a necessity to get through life with the fewest scars. Humor is the best antidote to help relieve all struggles.
Suzy Kassem
#68. Also, my humor is really dry-witted, Canadian humor, so some people get it and some people don't. I'd be great on "The Office." I would like to be on that show. And, I could see me doing romantic comedy films, and stuff like that.
Tinsel Korey
#69. Comedy is so hard to do, so it was very cool to do dead pan humor.
Brittany Daniel
#70. Well I beat things around with my stick once in awhile.
Kira4Inu
#71. (Can human beings change? The humor, and the sadness, of remarriage comedies can be said to result from the fact that we have no good answer to that question.)
Stanley Cavell
#72. Comedy is a man in trouble. And without it, there's no humor.
Jerry Lewis
#74. I give him a skeptical look. "You want to show me your dick?"
"If it'll help convince you." He drains the last drops of his Scotch and stands up. "Come on, let's go.
Kendall Ryan
#75. The body consists of three parts: the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain. The borax contains the heart and lungs and the abominable cavity contains the bowels of which there are five: a, e, i, o, u.
Tom Magliozzi
#77. I try to give all my characters a sense of humor, so I guess I feel like I have done comedy, but maybe I'm better known for drama.
Kathy Baker
#78. When someone who is known for being comedic does something straight, it's always "a big breakthrough" or a "radical departure." Why is is no one ever says that if a straight actor does comedy? Are they presuming comedy is easier?
Carol Burnett
#79. A lot of people come up here and they thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn't help me a bit. If it was up to him, Cesar Millan would be up here with that damn dog. So all I can say is, 'suck it, Jesus! This award is my God now'!
Kathy Griffin
#80. Anytime there's a bad female stand-up somewhere, some dickhead Interblogger will deduce that "women aren't funny." Using that same math, I can state: Male comedy writers piss in cups.
Tina Fey
#81. If you look at 'The Best Man,' there's a lot of humor in that, but I never consider that movie a comedy. I felt that it was a drama with comedic elements and comedic parts to it.
Malcolm D. Lee
#82. Love is the canvas covering the furniture that you've become a part of
Josh Stern
#83. He quite liked dentists' waiting rooms. Waiting for dentists was good. Waiting for them was so much better than having them stick metal spikes in your mouth.
Jackson Radcliffe
#84. The people you like when you meet them and while you know them, and the people you remember fondly, are invariably people who have a sense of comedy, not just a sense of humor.
William, Saroyan
#85. ...Mrs. Percy understood that staying beautiful all day long is the most important aspect of being married...
Tevin Hansen
#86. WARD: I'll be home in time for dinner, honey.
JUNE: Alright - I'm pregnant - Have a fine day at work, dear.
WARD exits ... WARD reenters.
JUNE: Did you forget something, dear?
WARD: What did you say?
JUNE: I asked if you'd forgotten anything -
Benjamin R. Smith
#87. As an author I'm in my head all day and I worry that I lose touch with reality. But then my dog pees on my shoe and I know I've found it again.
Michelle M. Pillow
#88. I write most of my stories the way people talk, complete with an occasional run-on sentences and stuff that seems to go around in a few circles before making its point. In a comedy, you can do that.
Dan Alatorre
#89. I think comedy is a good way to deal with anything. I hear about people in the hospital who are ill, and they use humor to help them through it. I think it's a great remedy for many things.
Brian Regan
#90. There was no way to have a civilized conversation with that guy. It's like he was raised by giraffes or something.
H.M. Ward
#92. Never second guess yourself. Or do, maybe. Whatever you feel good about.
Dan Florence
#93. This is the funniest book I've ever held in my hands.
Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning humorist and author says about Radical Sabbatical
Dave Barry
#94. Mike's brain was hardwired directly into his genitals and most higher functions appeared to have switched themselves off. In other words, he was just like most men.
Jackson Radcliffe
#95. There's always someone we'd love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident
Josh Stern
#96. The old Janey only drank cheap wine and light beer. The new Janey is classy, prefers cocktails, and even drinks alone.
J.C. Patrick
#97. I decided to masturbate with shampoo instead of conditioner today. Because yolo. Things Jesus never said.
Dave Matthes
#98. Nahum bobbed again. 'My crest is cropped by croaking cranes. I go to drown in doleful dumps, dead-drunk with drearihead.
John Bellairs
#99. The train hit her with the sound of a meat-filled hefty bag smacking the pavement, and the effect was much the same, I guess. (Dark City Lights)
Warren Moore
#100. A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.
Ricky Gervais
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