Top 100 Humor And Comedy Quotes
#1. I think in life, the sense of humor and comedy always exists.
Mike Epps
#2. I think comedy is a good way to deal with anything. I hear about people in the hospital who are ill, and they use humor to help them through it. I think it's a great remedy for many things.
Brian Regan
#3. The body consists of three parts: the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain. The borax contains the heart and lungs and the abominable cavity contains the bowels of which there are five: a, e, i, o, u.
Tom Magliozzi
#4. I give him a skeptical look. "You want to show me your dick?"
"If it'll help convince you." He drains the last drops of his Scotch and stands up. "Come on, let's go.
Kendall Ryan
#5. Comedy is a man in trouble. And without it, there's no humor.
Jerry Lewis
#6. (Can human beings change? The humor, and the sadness, of remarriage comedies can be said to result from the fact that we have no good answer to that question.)
Stanley Cavell
#7. Also, my humor is really dry-witted, Canadian humor, so some people get it and some people don't. I'd be great on "The Office." I would like to be on that show. And, I could see me doing romantic comedy films, and stuff like that.
Tinsel Korey
#9. You called the guy you're supposed to rescue a nerd, and you just referenced Star Trek. You don't find that a bit nerdy?
A.J. Wiliams
#10. My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
Chelsea Handler
#11. No,' the professor replied. 'Her Majesty s alive and well - at least I assume so if she hasn't met a certain van driver from Yeovil.' ~Professor Hamilton
Bryan Davis
#12. I had one friend with same-sex orientation, and Dana hadn't spoken to me since I asked her to describe her honeymoon in graphic detail - and then made vibrator noises.
Dani Alexander
#13. I like very dry humor. I don't like things that are over the top. I like subtlety. I like things that are nonchalant. I like characters that are sort of monotone and based in dark comedy.
Emily Rios
#14. There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.
George Carlin
#15. People always talk about how great it is to get older. All I saw were more rules and more adults telling me what I could and couldn't do, in the name of what's " good for me." Yeah, well, asparagus is good for me, but it still makes me want to throw up.
James Patterson
#16. My life was full of drama, with the highs and lows of Tyler's daily mood swings and my private innuendos with Vandenberg. There'd never been a movie made that could permanently shift my mood away from my disappointment with myself.
J.C. Patrick
#17. The train hit her with the sound of a meat-filled hefty bag smacking the pavement, and the effect was much the same, I guess. (Dark City Lights)
Warren Moore
#18. The old Janey only drank cheap wine and light beer. The new Janey is classy, prefers cocktails, and even drinks alone.
J.C. Patrick
#19. Mike's brain was hardwired directly into his genitals and most higher functions appeared to have switched themselves off. In other words, he was just like most men.
Jackson Radcliffe
#20. This is the funniest book I've ever held in my hands.
Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning humorist and author says about Radical Sabbatical
Dave Barry
#21. I write most of my stories the way people talk, complete with an occasional run-on sentences and stuff that seems to go around in a few circles before making its point. In a comedy, you can do that.
Dan Alatorre
#22. As an author I'm in my head all day and I worry that I lose touch with reality. But then my dog pees on my shoe and I know I've found it again.
Michelle M. Pillow
#23. The people you like when you meet them and while you know them, and the people you remember fondly, are invariably people who have a sense of comedy, not just a sense of humor.
William, Saroyan
#24. If you look at 'The Best Man,' there's a lot of humor in that, but I never consider that movie a comedy. I felt that it was a drama with comedic elements and comedic parts to it.
Malcolm D. Lee
#25. A lot of people come up here and they thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn't help me a bit. If it was up to him, Cesar Millan would be up here with that damn dog. So all I can say is, 'suck it, Jesus! This award is my God now'!
Kathy Griffin
#26. If a couple has their picture taken at a wedding or other social gathering, and the woman looks hot, her guy could be blinking, chewing, or even mid-sneeze, and she'll still display it on her desk at work.
Brian P. Cleary
#27. Noble starets, tell me, are my high spirits offensive to you or not? Fyodor Pavlovich suddenly exclaimed, gripping the arms of his chair with both hands and appearing ready to leap out of it, depending on the reply.
Fyodor Dostoyevsky
#28. A pair of great heels was much more satisfying than a man. They lasted longer, and better yet, they didn't leave me for someone prettier.
Cindi Madsen
#29. Reckoner Super Plan for Killing Regalia ...
Step One: find Regalia, then totally explode her. Lots and Lots.
Step Two: put Val on decaf.
Step Three: Mizzy gets a cookie.
Brandon Sanderson
#30. Comedy is a distortion of what is happening, and there will always be something happening.
Steve Martin
#31. Forget it," I said. "Opie could be bloodthirsty, rabid, radioactive, and selling life insurance and he'd still be preferable to listening to the two of you.
John Zakour
#32. Life doesn't make any sense, and we all pretend it does. Comedy's job is to point out that it doesn't make sense, and that it doesn't make much difference anyway.
Eric Idle
#33. I think the main thing about comedy and humor is that it's impossible and always was impossible to define.
Mike Nichols
#34. Sad, slow music in the small hours of the morning isn't just sad and slow music. It's a narration. And through the myriad of morning dew, we are the twinkling stars that fade with the rising sun.
Dave Matthes
#35. Great Gates almighty," HARV said inside my brain. "I go off-line for a few nanos and the whole world goes to DOS.
John Zakour
#36. Oh, friend John, it is a strange world, a sad world, a world full of miseries, and woes and troubles, and yet when King Laugh come he make them all dance to the tune he play.
Bram Stoker
#37. In certain circumstances, basically shit ones, it's fight or flight. With Tommy it's always fright and flight.
Terry Weible Murphy
#38. Our records, if you have a dark sense of humor, were funny, but our records weren't about comedy. They were about protests, fantasy, confrontation and all that.
Ice Cube
#39. Yeah, but will it hurt?"' I asked.
"This is science, Zach," Randy said, reassuringly, as he tilted my head back and lowered the lens to my eye. "Of course it will hurt.
John Zakour
#40. Our specialty was exasperated dignity and the discombombulation of Authority.
Mack Sennett
#41. The medium is the message, the message is encrypted, and the encryption key is controlled by NSA.
The Covert Comic
#42. Hello and welcome to this collection of calls put together specifically to embarrass the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Now you'll hear us tackle the very pillars of science: physics, chemistry, fluid dynamics and, of course, cream rinse.
Tom Magliozzi
#43. Take care of your husband and do your "homework." For every headache you have there will be a women out there with an aspirin in her purse.
Jane Jenkins Herlong
#44. Because I was a shy and awkward child, I used humour to deflect attention. It was a controlling mechanism. Because I could use it to control my image.
Catherine Tate
Catherine Tate
#45. There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
Erma Bombeck
#46. Comedy is still alive, and there are still funny people. Jews are still overrepresented in comedy and psychiatry and underrepresented in the priesthood. That immigrant Jewish humor is still with us.
Robert Klein
#47. Only criminals and madmen walk into Central Park after midnight...or, occasionally, an actor. (Dark City Lights)
Jane Dentinger
#48. They are treading water in a sea of retarded sexuality and bad poetry.
Karl French
#49. The only options I have are a four fingered shuffle and an aging vibrator whose batteries, the last time I looked, were leaking a sticky liquid.
I long to do the same."
Time Was by Paul Adams
Paul Adams
#50. He was not at the moment in very good odour at Bow Street. Such epithets as Blockhead and Blunderer had been used in connection with his last case. 'Jeremiah Stubbs, miss,' said the Runner. 'I am here in the execution of my dooty.
Georgette Heyer
#51. Keep your southern fried bullshit to yourself. And know this, Charlie is the sweetest girl I've ever met and if you hurt her, or infect her with some kind of disease, you will die. Slowly.
Eve Dangerfield
#52. As a matter of fact, Ona spent more credits on the window shades alone than you will make in your entire lifetime and that's if you live to be 185."
"And that's meant to make me feel better?" I said.
"No, that is meant to inform you. I am your computer not your nanny.
John Zakour
#53. I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.
Frankie Boyle
#54. If she did bitch-slap me, I'd bitch-slap her right back, but I resented the word bitch and all its familiar forms, as it was degrading to women and dogs everywhere.
G.G. Silverman
#55. We got there without being spotted. I pulled her in, then shut the door, pressing my back to it and exhaling like an epileptic pilot who'd just landed a cargo plane full of dynamite.
Brandon Sanderson
#56. I was a lazy reader as a kid. One nutrition label on a box of Cap'n Crunch and I'd have to take a nap.
M.J. McGuire
#57. I can tell you that she's not breathing," he said. "She has no heartbeat and all organ function and brain activity have stopped. Also her body temperature is now at seventy-three degrees."
"So you're saying that she's dead," I said.
"Well, I can't prove it, but, yes, I am leaning that way.
John Zakour
#58. Everybody laughed for a long time, for it was the kind of joke that seemed to grow on you. You would laugh and eventually stop. But after a few minutes you would think of the joke again, and you would burst out laughing all over again.
Zakes Mda
#59. The house in the story is based on my friend Tori's house in Kinsale, Ireland, which is obviously not actually haunted, and the sound of people upstairs moving wardrobes around when you are downstairs there and alone is probably just something that old houses do when they think they are unobserved.
Neil Gaiman
#60. The door to Jakes' office slammed against the wall, and Vivi barreled through the opening. "Turn this ship around right now.
Cheryl Sterling
#61. He immediately went down with a thud and I was pretty certain most of the furniture in the room jumped when he landed.
Kristen Ashley
#62. The difference between a man and a woman is whether to ask for directions.
Edward Harris
#63. I just looked at the calendar and realized- my days are numbered
Johnny Moscato
#64. Beaumont wanted Esmond very badly. Esmond wanted Beaumont's wife. And she didn't want anybody.
Loretta Chase
#65. Jakes nodded his dismissal. "Workable. Set up a meeting."
Mitchel stood. "Who would you like to send, sir?"
He smiled. "Ivy, I've neglected my duties as commander of The Baldain. I'll transport down to Earth and handle this matter myself.
Cheryl Sterling
#66. If I could go back and say one thing to my younger self it would be: YOU ARE NOT FAT.
Jennifer Saunders
#67. Just relax and breathe through your ass.
Lewis Black
#68. I was a product of a divorced family and I used humor as a weapon to combat sadness. I used comedy to make my mother laugh in light of the darkness that she faced, and to me it became a very powerful tool at a very young age, at six. I saw how therapeutic it could be.
Josh Gad
#69. Comedians love it when people point and laugh at them; naturists don't, despite many of them being funnier.
Roy Station
#70. I'm interested not just in projects that I'll be starring in, but producing film and TV that's really quality and great for adults; and when I say 'great for adults,' it doesn't mean without humor, because I'm also interested in doing comedy.
Lance Reddick
#71. In Chestnut Hill money didn't talk, but it drank, and played a lot of golf.
Alistair McHarg
#72. I ejaculated about ten minutes ago and the stuff was black. So everything is not normal.
Silence greeted that happy little announcement. Man, if he had hauled off and sucker-punched V, he would have gotten less of a shocked-out reaction.
J.R. Ward
#73. Her lips full and inviting, she has an infectious laugh and glassy cackle in her eyes, and a 2000 volt sexual charisma that beckons me like a fluff girl on scuffed knees.
Brett Tate
#74. The only ironic thing about that song is that it's called 'Ironic' and it is written by a woman who doesn't know what irony is. That's quite ironic when you think about it.
(on Alanis Morissette's 'Ironic')
Ed Byrne
#75. I love straight-face comedy or relatively subtle comedy. And then I turn around and I find myself doing very broad comedy but it's all fun and you have to keep your sense of humor and not take yourself seriously.
Betty White
#76. Last time I was down South I walked into this restaurant, and this white waitress came up to me and said: 'We don't serve colored people here.' I said: 'that's all right, I don't eat colored people. Bring me a whole fried chicken.
Dick Gregory
#77. Stop," he murmured, or at least that's what he meant to say. It came out sounding more like "Yes," which probably wasn't the same thing at all.
Tawna Fenske
#78. I'm never going to live this down. I will forever be known as the pastor's kid who got arrested, made friends in jail, and threw up on the singles camping trip. That will look great on a resume.
A.C. Williams
#79. So my humor, I'd say, comes from a mixture of lowbrow comedy shows and highbrow theater. It's an interesting mix.
Jasper Fforde
#80. You snore."
She stopped in the middle of the hallway and gaped. "I do not."
"Oh yeah, you do." He nodded, beaming from ear to ear. "Cute, kind of baby snores, but still snores by standard definition. Maybe that was the problem that broke up you and David. Doctors need their sleep, you know.
Jennifer Shirk
#81. I think great humor lies in playing the truth of a situation. I see myself as a performer and that applies to a Greek drama or a modern comedy.
Brendan Coyle
#82. We goan start promptly at seven o'clock, so be sure to take care of all your bodily needs and functions before we get started.
Charmaine T. Davis
#83. Dolphins and sharks are natural enemies. Dolphins are like, "Quit eating us," and sharks are like, "Stop smiling all the time, you morons.
Dan Florence
#84. Over the road there was a church: a modern gray building, which constantly played a recording of church bells. Strange it was. Why no proper bells? I never went in but I bet it was a robot church for androids, where the Bible was in binary and their Jesus had laser eyes and metal claws.
Russell Brand
#85. To call that writing, madam, is an insult to quills and ink across the world.
Julia Quinn
#86. He wanted to break up with me in the cafeteria? Fat chance. I leaned toward him and touched his arm in a girlfriend sort of way. "If you planned to stage a public breakup with me, you can forget it."
Amusement showed in his hazel eyes. "Think you can stop me?
Chris Cannon
#87. The table was covered with food like roast chicken, roast potatoes, roast parsnips, roast turkey, roast liquorice and, the centrepiece, a roasted knight.
Elias Zapple
#88. I felt bad for the girls in my school, who flocked to prom like it was the second coming of Christ, complete with double-rainbows and unicorns.
G.G. Silverman
#89. Comedy holds the greatest risk for an actor, and laughter is the reward.
Cary Grant
#90. Whatever story you're telling, it will be more interesting if, at the end you add, and then everything burst into flames.
Brian P. Cleary
#91. Gentlemen do not carry a cane or a hat? No gloves?"
"Gentleman may still wear them, but I'm afraid the problem is that there aren't many left.
Camilla Isley
#92. People who know me, they know I have a sense of humor, I'm a bit of a joker, a bit of a clown really, and I would love someone to exploit that side of me and send me a romantic comedy.
Gary Oldman
#93. You know that's why mermaids swim around topless all the time, right? It's because their boobs are too big and all bras are C shells.
H.M. Ward
#94. I was a precocious only child, and then I went through a fat, awkward stage for several years, so I learned to fall back on my humor and personality when I was growing up. It's how you survive, so I think it was more of a natural progression for me, developing into comedy.
Ari Graynor
#95. Humor is not funny. Humor is something else. Funny is a joke, sometimes silly. Comedy is deep and connected to tragedy; comedy could be deeper than tragedy, in my view.
Gerald Stern
#96. Debbie Downer was one of the few sketches where I broke, and I remember watching Heratio Sanz laugh so hard that tears squirted out of his eyes. I still believe that sketch may be a cure for low-level depression if watched regularly.
Amy Poehler
#97. If you don't fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are working
Josh Stern
#98. When I did 'Sex and the City,' it was like, 'Let's do a comedy where the humor is not coming from innuendo but from the a truthful place. This is a show where we're going to be able to say and do what we want.'
Darren Star
#99. Some things are so silly they have a certain brilliance to them. Other things, set as standards for brilliance and therefore exalted by many who don't know why, become tarnished because of it.
Criss Jami
#100. Fate frequently places you in the right place at the right time. The problem is recognising when it has and doing something about it.
Jesamine James
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