Bar Humor Quotes

#1. Wonder of wonders, the box had Elvis. Immediately the bar seemed a better place. She fed in coins and then punched the keys for "Hound Dog." Too bad Elvis had never recorded one called "Dickhead.

Jennifer Crusie

#2. When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

Mitch Hedberg

#3. Life is like a game of limbo in reverse. The bar keeps rising higher and we need to keep rising to the occasion.

Ryan Lilly

#4. Word of advice - never ask a terrorist the question 'What would you do for a Klondike bar?'.

David C. Holley

#5. Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'

Tommy Cooper

#6. On our second date, she kissed me in a bar. I invited her home. We just caught the F train, which seemed like a good omen.

Alison Bechdel

#7. I escape disaster by writing a poem with a joke in it:
The past, present, and future walk into a bar - it was tense.

Kelli Russell Agodon

#8. You would think there is a higher bar than having a Facebook page to run for president.

Bill Maher

#9. Clowns are vicious
they're all nefarious grins
and if you hung out with a bunch of clowns in a bar, pretty soon it would turn into a horror movie. Nefarious means evil. It's nothing to do with Rastas.

Jenni Fagan

#10. Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

Tommy Cooper

#11. If you ordered up a whore here, you'd probably get a theater major doing Joan Crawford as Sadie Thompson. I wonder what would happen if I ordered up a Hershey bar?" His eyes lit up for a moment. "I wonder what would happen if I ordered up a whore and a Hershey bar?

Kage Baker

#12. Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.

Drew Carey

#13. One popular saying was, The boy who goes into medicine is too lazy for farm or shop, too stupid for the Bar, and too immoral for the pulpit.

Volney Steele

#14. I have always understood that money made in the patent medicine business is a practical bar to social success.

George Presbury Rowell

#15. The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy also mentions alcohol. It says that the best drink in existence is the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, the effect of which is like having your brains smashed out with a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick.

Douglas Adams

#16. You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name
and you've never been to that bar before.

Zach Galifianakis

#17. He ran his hand down the surface and felt some imperfections in the steel near the center. He flipped it over to see that the alien had put an engraving into one of the surfaces. "Excali-bar," Jonathan said out loud. He smiled, rolling his eyes at the alien's sense of humor.

T. Ellery Hodges

#18. I take back everything I ever said about that boy being clever." He turned around to face the bar while leveling an accusatory finger at the closed door. "That," he said firmly to the room in general, "is what comes of working with iron every day.

Patrick Rothfuss

#19. Going to the gym...all those people who always told me that you get addicted to it, that endorphins kick in, that eventually you crave it and look forward to it are sick lying ****s and I want to choke them with a protein bar and pummel them about the head with a bottle of SmartWater.

Stacey Ballis

#20. Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

Doug Stanhope

#21. I don't think you're going to start a riot, but until you prove you have more survival instincts than a seriously stressed out lemming, you'll stay at the bar.

Kim Dare

#22. Within the last two years it had been called Tony's, Belle's Bar Sinister, The Ole Plantation, Tony's, Alt Wien, Paris Soir
or Sewer
Victor's Vesuvius, Chez Cocotte, York House, Gay Madrid, and Tony's.

Patrick Dennis

#23. Let me tell you something, I have never stated this, but you idiots refer to me as some moroon, I have a aster and a lwa degree. I simply cannot take the bar because of my stupid past in my 20's. You people do not want to go up against m on education because most of you will lose badly.

Larry Sinclair

#24. One bad thing can often be rectified or overlooked, but several of them can sometimes coalesce into a compound disaster that sprouts tentacles and develops a self-directed will of its own, the kind of thing my dear old dad used to call a cluster fudge bar.

Eleanor Druse

#25. The kid poured him another straight rye and I think he doctored it with water down behind the bar because when he came up with it he looked as guilty as if he'd kicked his grandmother.

Raymond Chandler

#26. A good story should provoke discussion, debate, argument ... and the occasional bar fight.

J. Michael Straczynski

#27. A literary academic can no more pass a bookstore than an alcoholic can pass a bar.

Carolyn G. Heilbrun

#28. In the same way that the stewards of the Titanic were more concerned about the unemptied ashtrays on the bar than the enormous hole in the side of the ship which was letting in zillions of gallons of water, I too was worrying about the unimportant and ignoring the vital.

Marian Keyes

#29. What's it like? Ballet school?"
"Harsh," he said. "Everyone dances until they collapse. We eat only raw-egg smoothies and wheat protein. Every Friday we have a dance-off and whoever is left standing gets a chocolate bar. Also we have to watch dance movies constantly.

Cassandra Clare

#30. Taking me out to robberies, bar fights, and wraith houses isn't enough for you anymore? I though we were happy."
"Only the best for you, my lady.

Jodi Meadows

#31. When a Dragon, an Elf, and a Human walk into a bar, the Human is always going to be the punch line.

Bryan Fields

#32. If your shoes stick to the bar floor, you may need to re-think using the bar bathroom.

Kimberly J. Dalferes

#33. Kid, I've only known you two days and I've seen you plastered three times." He shook his head. "A bar would not be a good career move for you.

Jennifer Crusie

#34. A Corsai, a Malchai, and a Sunai walk into a bar -
Everyone groaned, including August.

Victoria Schwab

#35. Reggie, you wrapped your sports car around a telephone pole after drinking a bar."
"Yeah... But I was wearing my seatbelt.

Daniel Younger

#36. I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.

Mitch Hedberg

#37. Your trash can is full of energy bar wrappers."
"You were looking through my trash?

Rainbow Rowell

#38. That's it," Flanagan said, his thick hands gripping the bar and his eyes wide. "I'm getting back on the wagon and I'm never getting off again. Oh, Jesus, look at that."
"I'm looking," Jesus said. Flanagan flicked an annoyed glance at him

Kevin Hearne

#39. I didn't want to be DRUNK. IN. PUBLIC. I wanted to be drunk in a BAR. I was THROWN. into. public.

Ron White

#40. I like it when you reach into a vending machine to grab your candy bar, and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up? That's a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners. "Yeah, what candy bar are you getting?" "That one, and every one on the bottom row!"

Mitch Hedberg

#41. I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, "Gimme that", you better hand it over.

Mitch Hedberg

#42. Never approach a crying woman entering a sports bar carrying a harpoon gun.

George Carlin

#43. A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

Tommy Cooper

#44. Jean sat at the end of the bar, watching Jerry Springer as she drew deeply on a long cigarette. The woman smoked like a freight train, especially while watching talk shows.

Rose Wynters

#45. The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.

Mitch Hedberg

#46. The bar was bursting with guys tonight - seriously, it was like Muscles R Us up in here, all filled-out chests and bulging arms with biceps upon biceps.

Cindi Madsen

#47. I staggered into a Manchester bar late one night on a tour and the waitress said "You look as if you need a Screaming Orgasm". At the time this was the last thing on my mind ...

Terry Pratchett

#48. A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."

Bill Bailey

#49. To us," she said. raising her glass. We both sucked back the sweet drink as if it were nectar.

Elle Klass

#50. No, I went to the bar to ask for a mojito and that guy Johnny said he didn't make mojitos. Then he offered to make me a mint julep, in one of those silver cups and everything."
"Did you know say the true cause of the Civil War was some Northerner adding nutmeg to a mint julep?" Lucy asked.

Mary Jane Hathaway

#51. I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.

Rodney Dangerfield

#52. There are certain things in life that just suck. Pouring a big bowl of Lucky Charms before realizing the milk is expired, the word 'moist,' falling face-first into the salad bar in front of the entire lacrosse team ...

Lauren Morrill

#53. The crowd quieted as a whole, but more than one creature cursed under his breath, "Not Regin."
A drunk hunched over the bar muttered, "That glowing one made me eat a transistor radio once.

Kresley Cole

#54. A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Tommy Cooper

#55. The Red Lion was a four-ale bar with a handful of lowbrowed sons of toil who looked as though they might be related to one another in ways frowned on by the Old Testament.

Sebastian Faulks

#56. When I pass the bar, you'll be barred from bars but put behind them.

Natalya Vorobyova

#57. You don't pick a fight when you're drunk."
"I had to punch someone in the face, Mark."
"So you picked up four-hundred pound tattoo-guy?"
"He did have awesome tats didn't he?"
"You would know. You got to see them up close while they were in your face.

Sam Hunter

#58. An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

Frank Carson

#59. I want steak," he said, stopping to look at her. "And shrimp. And lobster. And pancakes. And a candy bar".
"I'm sorry, you'll have to settle for a couple of sandwiches".
Thomas sighed."Figures".

James Dashner

#60. Because this story is the road to the Pulitzer, something you covet very badly. I'm willing to bet that just the idea of this story is making you harder than the blonde at the bar.

M.K. Schiller

#61. The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.

Lex Martin

#62. All we can hope for is that he will fall into the ocean with a bar of soap in his pocket.

Eoin Colfer