Top 100 Absurd Humor Quotes
#1. If you don't fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are working
Josh Stern
#2. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Steven Wright
#3. For crying out loud, absurd things can happen, none of us is spared." He reached out and gave her a soft pat on the back. "So screw it, lovey. Enjoy every second you've got and stop moping around." - Intomesee
Maha Erwin
#4. I decided long ago that life's absurd. If you don't develop a sense of humor, it will drive you mad.
James Maxey
#5. The Law of Chaos: Any activity or event that seems to lie beyond the boundaries of possibility will usually be the first thing to occur.
Ian Strang
#6. There's a fine line between stuff, and if you stare at it long enough it'll drive you insane or to genius
Josh Stern
#7. The universe had no choice but to create intelligent life so that there would be someone else that could simply laugh at how unbelievably, ridiculously and senselessly huge the universe is and how utterly insignificant the rest of us are.
Ian Strang
#8. Women are aroused by the strangest things, like a rock going through their bedroom window
Josh Stern
#9. Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything ... .but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco
Josh Stern
#10. I like my coffee like I like myself ... making rustling noises inside a burlap bag
Josh Stern
#11. I love shark week, all kids swim for free
Josh Stern
#12. Oh! it is absurd to have a hard-and-fast rule about what one should read and what one shouldn't. More than half of modern culture depends on what one shouldn't read.
Oscar Wilde
#13. The practice of doing more than necessary works best when packing lunch boxes
Josh Stern
#14. It is not proper, you being closeted up here with him
"
"Delphinia, don't be absurd. I am so firmly on the shelf that the maids are tempted to dust me.
Meredith Duran
#15. I wish happiness was some edible food easily available in stores... Oh wait, it is.
Hk
#16. Cecil Graham: What is a cynic?
Lord Darlington: A man who knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing.
Cecil Graham: And a sentimentalist, my dear Darlington, is a man who sees an absurd value in everything and doesn't know the market price of any single thing.
Oscar Wilde
#17. Women need a reason to have sex, while men just need an angle
Josh Stern
#18. 'Well, I think of you as a straight shooter, Sheriff, but one who can't stop lustin' after the goddamn ineffable.'
"She said that, hunh?"
"Yup."
"Shitfire, Sheriff, what'd you do?"
"Well, I shot her.
Robert Coover
#19. A good sense of humor, then, a taste for the ironies of life, and an appreciation of the absurd.
Paul Auster
#20. I love Shark Week, where all kids under 12 swim for free
Josh Stern
#21. If bliss are a type of potato, then ignorance can be french-fried
Josh Stern
#23. Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.
Garrison Keillor
#24. When you're reaching the end of the semester and you just wanna die. Coffin Making 101 is literally killing me.
-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz
Karen Quan
#26. My love is meatloaf flavored. I just wish my meatloaf was also meatloaf flavored.
Dora J. Arod
#27. Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
Steven Wright
#28. To err is human, to accept full responsibility is to just run with it
Josh Stern
#29. Love isn't two matching unicycles. Love is a bicycle - and mine just got stolen.
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
#30. In order to butterfly kiss, does it require caterpillar lips?
Josh Stern
#31. Date rape is just plain moronic when you consider how slutty figs are
Josh Stern
#32. You're only given as much as you can handle, before going back for seconds
Josh Stern
#33. Loving someone is sticking a pin through a voodoo doll and not hitting any vital organs
Josh Stern
#34. I like gross generalizations ... I also like disgusting specifics!
Josh Stern
#35. I love full on, like 65 mph in a handicapped parking spot.
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
#36. To you, I'm an atheist.
To God, I'm the loyal opposition.
Woody Allen
#37. The Law of Logical Insanity: Anything that can easily be explained using common sense and rational thought is probably too simplistic and therefore false and untrue.
Ian Strang
#38. I will find you," Ragnor told him. "I will find whatever chest of absurd clothes you have. And I will bring a llama into the place where you sleep and make sure that it urinates on everything you possess.
Cassandra Clare
#39. Everything not forbidden is compulsory
T.H. White
#40. It's one thing if your hobby is to put ships inside a bottle, but a deer in the headlights! ... That's a real talent
Josh Stern
#41. No! Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" the man yelled.
"Really?" said Vimes. "What's the orbital velocity of the moon?"
"What?"
"Oh, you'd like something simpler?
Terry Pratchett
#42. I try not to take things lying down, especially rectal thermometers
Josh Stern
#43. An alibi is one alliterative consonant short of being a magic carpet
Josh Stern
#44. Young people, however, tend to ignore the customs of their elders. Adolescent rebellion has been responsible for all manner of absurd costumes. The more ridiculous a certain fashion is, the more adolescents will cling to it.
David Eddings
#45. I've heard too many times where people say that I'm this ultra-serious guy. In truth, I've got an extremely absurd sense of humor. I thrive on the absurd - I love it.
Phil Anselmo
#46. It is imperative that a woman keep her sense of humor intact and at the ready. She must see, even if only in secret, that she is the funniest, looniest woman in her world, which she should also see as being the most absurd world of all times.
Maya Angelou
#47. A brick and a blanket together create a blick. That's it. That's all I got.
Amy Summers
#48. If you're going to walk down the aisle together, best to go single file
Josh Stern
#49. Dave? This is John. Your pimp says bring the heroin shipment tonight, or he'll be forced to stick you. meet him where we buried the Korean whore. The one without the goatee."
That was code. It meant "Come to my place as soon as you can, it's important.
David Wong
#50. A watched pot never boils ... but it does develop paranoia
Josh Stern
#51. If I could fly, I would soar all the way up to the window of a plane carrying a suitcase in my hand, then I'd motion toward the plane's door and make an annoyed face at the terrified passengers. I have a feeling I would do this a lot.
Colin Nissan
#52. I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time.
She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.
Woody Allen
#53. I unwrapped my love for her like one might unwrap leftovers. Gotta eat up the old stuff first, as a cannibal might say in a retirement home.
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
#54. If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.
Steven Wright
#55. Come Hell or High Water usually depends on the kind of plug you use in the bath tub
Josh Stern
#56. Word of advice for any young man that might want to take out Malia or Sasha Obama - Their father can order an assassination, don't piss him off.
David C. Holley
#57. I despise Wednesdays! They are the Marquis de Sade of the work week. Wednesday are so awful that...wait..what? It's Thurs? (face-palm)
L.G.A. McIntyre
#58. If it's the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator
Josh Stern
#59. Flying is simple. Hitting the ground is hard
Josh Stern
#60. You can sit on a brick, and milk a cow with a blanket.
Nicole McKay
#61. The only threesome I've ever experienced is with Pantene 2 in 1
Josh Stern
#62. When you're out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service ... .that's no chocolate on the pillow
Josh Stern
#63. You'll never know what psychopathic heights you're capable of, just lying there on the sofa
Josh Stern
#64. I used to be into 'forbidden fruit', but I've moved on to'verboten vegetables
Josh Stern
#65. We pretend to catch and eat more pretend bugs than could ever actually live in one cave. The number of pretend bugs we pretend to catch and eat would in reality basically fill a cave the size of our cave.
George Saunders
#66. I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know ... I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.
Woody Allen
#67. Don't you wish we all lived in black light ... for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it
Josh Stern
#68. So, in conclusion, that is the moral of Heidi. 'Always push invalid chairs off the top of mountains when you get the opportunity.' The end. Excellent advice.
Louise Rennison
#69. I'm gonna go put my earplugs in and practice piano for hours until my fingers bleed. I practice the piano with the focus of Helen Keller - and nothing can distract me from the scent of the music.
-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz
Karen Quan
#70. There's always someone we'd love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident
Josh Stern
#71. The Law of Moronic Ubiquity: Anything in the universe that is generally considered to be idiot-proof will eventually be ruined by an idiot.
Ian Strang
#72. Blood is thicker than water, and so is diarrhea
Josh Stern
#73. Remember the Hottentots?" asked James. "They've become the Khoi now, which means that the Germans will have to retire that wonderful word of theirs, Hottentotenpotentatenstantenattentater, which means, as you know, one who attacks the aunt of a Hottentot potentate.
Alexander McCall Smith
#74. Revenge is a dish best served in something microwaveable
Josh Stern
#75. My last girlfriend was a Showgirl - But we eventually broke up because she wouldn't Tell me anything. Now I'm dating a girl who looks exactly like my grandma, only my girl older.
-James Lee Schmidt and Jarod Kintz
James Lee Schmidt
#76. I hate when I'm not done with my cup but my mom decides to put it in the dishwasher anyway and the cup isn't dishwasher safe. I keep telling my mom that my origami coffee mugs are hand wash ONLY. Handshakes are also hand wash only.
-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz
Karen Quan
#77. A blanket could be used as a lovely rug, a rug that just so happens to be covering a large hole, you should really feel this rug!
Nicole McKay
#78. If you take things the wrong way, be aware of which end is up
Josh Stern
#79. Well they're pissed off and they're hungry. I was kind of busy trying not to get my brains eaten. They seemed pretty adamant about the brain-eating thing. Then they're going to IKEA, I guess
Christopher Moore
#80. Mr. A calls me into his office and says he's got bad news and bad news, and which do I want first. I say the bad news.
George Saunders
#81. it can't be wrong, if it feels so wrong
Josh Stern
#82. You always miss 100% of the shots you don't order
Josh Stern
#83. Be careful of averages and how they're applied. One way that they can fool you is if the average combines samples from disparate populations. This can lead to absurd observations such as:
"On average, humans have one testicle.
Daniel J. Levitin
#84. I have a keen sense of the oblivious
Josh Stern
#85. It's not hard to fail ... it's hard to accept you failed ... but once that's out of the way, it's pretty smooth sailing
Josh Stern
#86. The only way I'd ever die of a broken heart, is if I slammed into something really hard
Josh Stern
#87. When your heart starts to feel full again. I love FREE refills, and if a restaurant tries to double charge me, I refuse to write a love poem on their Yelp page.
-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz
Karen Quan
#88. Just because you're beautiful and perfect, it's made you conceited.
William Goldman
#89. Part of the appeal of the fantastic is taking ridiculous ideas very seriously and pretending they're not absurd.
China Mieville
#90. Rachel got up and did this happy little shuffle, like she was some cheerful farmer chick who'd just stepped outside to find the hick she was in love with coming up the road with a calf under his arm or whatever.
Why was she dancing? No reason.
Just alive, I guess.
George Saunders
#91. To say she was my girlfriend was absurd: no one the wrong side of thirty has a girlfriend ... I suppose I ought to have realize it's ominous that forty thousand years of human language had failed to produce a word for our relationship.
Robert Harris
#92. Treat me like a king and I'll treat you like a queen ... Treat me like a queen and off with your head
Josh Stern
#93. Don't be so hard on yourself ... that's what a loofah's for
Josh Stern
#94. Humor is an absurd answer to a reasonable question.
Mark Bell
#95. I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
Jon Stewart
#96. If the love is not madness, then the sex is not insane
Josh Stern
#97. You were torturing a cat," she says. "With a freaking prod."
"A prod I built myself in metal shop," he says. "But of course you never mention that.
George Saunders
#98. Manners without sincerity, is called polite society
Josh Stern
#99. Everything is a drive-thru. You just have to aim really fast
Josh Stern
#100. Magical?" "Non." "Magnificent?" "Don't be absurd." "Less bleak than anything else we have seen?" "Now truly you are speaking French," the ambassador said approvingly.
Neal Stephenson
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