You A Joke Quotes

#1. I love funny people, and when I'm with funny people, or people who are amusing in their weirdness, I love it. Because that to me is funny, as opposed to someone who stops and says, 'Hey let me tell you a joke.'

Paul Feig

#2. I use a lot of humor, and I follow the saying that if you want to tell people the truth, you better make them laugh first, otherwise, they will shoot you. So I can tell you a joke and maybe you will laugh at the beginning. But it's not about telling jokes.

Sayed Kashua

#3. Dick Martin, if you put a gun to his forehead, he couldn't tell you a joke.

Bob Newhart

#4. I tell you a joke to have you listen to me, and then maybe I will tell you another joke that we can laugh together and feel equal. And then I will tell you a story hopefully that will make you cry. So I think that's the way that I approach the columns, as a surviving tool in a way.

Sayed Kashua

#5. You're over there in the corner either thinking about the dead dog or whatever, you're bringing up your personal life and you need the space, and then somebody throws you a joke. Especially if it's an emotional scene, you don't want the joke.

Marcia Gay Harden

#6. Thought you were making a James Band Joke. Hard to tell with that accent

G. Norman Lippert

#7. Damn, Ty, I'm getting slizzard," Mel says, sending everyone into bouts of laughter. "Dumb ass, you don't have a G6. You can't get slizzard in a frickin' Prius," I joke with her. We all laugh again

Julie Prestsater

#8. When things get so absurd and so stupid and so ridiculous that you just can't bear it, you cannot help but turn everything into a joke.

David Byrne

#9. Twitter is a much more dangerous cauldron of groupthink than happy hours or dinners. On Twitter the reward comes from agreeing or loudly disagreeing with the joke, or the "smart take." In person you hash things out.

David Weigel

#10. A joke is like building a mousetrap from scratch. You have to work pretty hard to make the thing snap when it is supposed to snap.

Kurt Vonnegut

#11. Being a parent is not for the faint of heart. I may joke about knowing fear, but the fact is, the first time I ever knew real fear was the day Charlotte, my first child, was born. Suddenly there is someone in the world you care about more than anything.

Harlan Coben

#12. I have been invited to do something called 'Celebrity MasterChef' in England, which, of course, I can't do. It's complete nonsense. You have to be a decent cook to begin with. I'd be the joke one.

Lesley Nicol

#13. You name any horrific thing, and I can make a joke out of it.

Quentin Tarantino

#14. If something stinks, I say it stinks. But I try to massage it a little and not be as cutting, come behind it with a joke: Hey, I cut you deep, but now let me put a couple of stitches in you.

Wanda Sykes

#15. If you can't take a joke, you shouldn't have joined.

Karen Traviss

#16. Sometimes you just create a joke out of thin air in the editing room. So I'm really glad I've had that experience. It gives me a little more confidence in front of the camera.

Ed Helms

#17. People think I'm selling feminism in my books, but what I'm really doing is writing advertising copy for expensive private colleges that most women can't afford anyway. Oh, and try to find a job with a major in English literature. No luck? Joke's on you, sucker!

Mary Gordon

#18. Pretension is a poor joke that you play on yourself. Snap out of it. Recognise your strengths, work on your weaknesses. Real achievement is liking what you see in the mirror every morning.

Virat Kohli

#19. You listen to any monologue on late-night TV or just in general, to people talking, and there's always a joke at someone's expense. It's sarcasm; it's nasty. Kids grow up hearing that, and they think that's what humor is, and they think it's OK. But that negativity permeates the entire planet.

Ellen DeGeneres

#20. My joke is that my father was a minister and my mother was an English teacher, so I'm trained to see the world in terms of symbols, which is hard when you just want to make toast.

Libba Bray

#21. How do you know you told a good punch line, a good joke? It's because they laugh. How do you know you've got a good scary punch line? It's because they jump out of the seat or scream. So the best reward is one you can listen to.

Katie Holmes

#22. If you're going to do a Chris Christie joke, just say, 'Christie spent $82,000 at a concession stand at MetLife Stadium. Then he turned to his friends and said, 'You guys want anything?' That's a joke. I can't believe it. I caved in. I feel awful.

Jimmy Fallon

#23. Lend's dad, two werewolves, and a vampire. It was like the setup to a bad joke or something. A doctor, two werewolves, and a vampire walk into a bar. "What'll you have?" the bartender asks. "We were thinking him," the vampire answers, eyeing the doctor.
Okay, jokes weren't my strong point.

Kiersten White

#24. After a while, a joke, if you say it too much, just becomes contrived, or fake-sounding.

Dave Chappelle

#25. I joke, but only half joke, that if you show up in an American hospital missing a finger, no one will believe you until they get a CAT scan, MRI and orthopedic consult.

Abraham Verghese

#26. You can analyse a joke and say it's funny because this guy thought this was going to happen, and that happened, and it's surprising. But not all surprising things are funny.

John Lloyd

#27. Well, I live a double life. Tonight, I'll escort you to dinner. Then I have to rush home and finish my calculus homework.'
'You're not joking, are you?'
'I never joke about calculus homework.

Rick Riordan

#28. They take away your options and all you can do is live, and it's just like Humble said: I'm not afraid of dying; I'm afraid of living. I was afraid before, but I'm afraid even more now that I'm a public joke.

Ned Vizzini

#29. If you can't joke about giant french ticklers and gas powered dildos in a fucking locker room then the terrorists win, E. Our freedoms are eroding. I'll pick up lube and condoms instead. Bring your hand. It's the only action you're getting.

Celia Aaron

#30. I said I kicked a French chicken in the stomach once." "Huh?" "It said, 'Oeuf.'" "What is that?" "It's a joke. Do you want to hear another, or have you already had un oeuf?

Jonathan Safran Foer

#31. I guess my feeling is is that if you're going to make a joke, that's fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you're trying to make.

Adam Carolla

#32. I like that we don't have to come out the first 10 minutes and score, you know, with joke, joke, joke. We can open it in a more novel way and keep playing different pranks as we go through the thing.

Bruce Vilanch

#33. You learn what can become a good joke and can be repeatable. You have a shorthand about how to introduce a joke to someone.

Lennon Parham

#34. There is a joke that I use all the time. I say it to my kids. I used to say it to my wife. She'd be talking to me about something very serious and then I would just look at her and go "Where are you from originally?" And she would go "Humphhh! C'mon. That's terrible!"

Stanley Tucci

#35. What's cool about Twitter is that you can make a joke about something very of-the-moment or random that I wouldn't be able to joke about in stand-up.

Aziz Ansari

#36. I have a file of four million jokes ... I have them cross-indexed. Whatever subject you want, I have a joke on it.

Milton Berle

#37. Some two thousand stone-throwing protesters gathered in the street outside the school. They chanted, "We want fairness. There is no fairness if you don't let us cheat." It sounds like a joke, but they were absolutely serious.

Cathy O'Neil

#38. Never make a person feel, that he/she is very (extra) special.. Cause, then that person starts feeling that 'You' are not worth him/her.

Honeya

#39. An illusion is when everyone is in on the joke, a delusion is when you are the joke.

Austin Aragon

#40. I just heard the latest joke about my hair: 'Do you know what that is on her head? It's a steering wheel to drive the state.'

Yulia Tymoshenko

#41. If somebody accuses you in a story of being a crook, you can demand that they prove it. But if a comic says it and you protest, people say, 'What's the matter, you can't take a joke?

Robert Orben

#42. We used to joke about canned men, putting people in a can and seeing how far you can send them and bring them back. That's not the purpose of this program ... Space is a laboratory, and we go into it to work and learn the new.

John Glenn

#43. Around year seven or eight, you'd kill yourself when you realized Norm had to enter and you had to come up with a new beer joke.

Ted Danson

#44. Some comedians tell nice jokes that you can tell to your kids. Some use bad words - they work 'blue.' If you don't want to hear a joke that's blue, you shouldn't go to a comedy club where a comedian who makes blue jokes is performing.

Gilbert Gottfried

#45. You must learn to take a joke, Francie, otherwise life will be pretty hard on you.

Betty Smith

#46. I haven't had television since 1991, and it definitely influences me. As a child of the 1970s, I couldn't hold a narrative in my head; I was lucky if I could hold a joke in my head, because every time you turn on television or radio, it wipes the slate clean - at least in my case.

Chuck Palahniuk

#47. Woody Allen - nobody has been a better joke teller than him - and even in his great films, it's always coming out of the character. If you don't have that, jokes are just empty and I think that people rely too much on jokes.

Brett Gelman

#48. Kissing's a lot like laughing. If the joke's funny, it doesn't matter how long it's been since you last heard one.

Maggie Stiefvater

#49. So when you tell a joke, you want to make someone laugh, or if you tell a story about someone who had a heart attack, it may be because you want the listener to exercise. Stories are tools to create social cohesion and to get humans to strategize together.

Peter Guber

#50. In order to be able to write a good joke, you have to find the truth.

Roseanne Barr

#51. Geraldo has returned to the states. See? I told you airline security was a joke.

Jay Leno

#52. As the years went on, the audience has become very jaded. They've heard every joke, they've seen every story line, they know where you're going before you even start to get there. And that's a hard audience to keep interested.

Betty White

#53. The moment you think of a joke is the best moment.

Judd Apatow

#54. You never know when you'll have a bad idea for a worse joke.

Benjamin Walker

#55. Life has a whimsical way of kicking you in the throat. I find it to
be one huge cosmic joke at our expense, only nobody is laughing
but the forces that be - given that they are even a wee bit human.

Lori Goldson

#56. TEXAN: "Where are you from?" HARVARD STUDENT: "I am from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions." TEXAN: "OK, where are you from, jackass?" - Variation on an old joke

Ammon Shea

#57. It's mandatory in this day and age to be considered to have a sense of humor and to demonstrate it. You're not paying me for a joke, You're paying me for the right joke.

Robert Orben

#58. Perhaps you are Coyote in disguise and have chosen a spectacularly inappropriate time for a joke.

Brandon Nolta

#59. Suppose the world were only one of God's jokes, would you work any the less to make it a good joke instead of a bad one?

George Bernard Shaw

#60. It is the ability to take a joke, not make one, that proves you have a sense of humor.

Max Eastman

#61. But for me to have the opportunity to stand in front of a bunch of executives and present myself, I had to hustle in my own way. I can't tell you how frustrating it was that they didn't get that. No joke - I'd leave meetings crying all the time.

Kanye West

#62. No way this could be seen as probable or possible, unless you think of a blow between the eyes, a sudden calamity. The stroke of fate that leaves a man a cripple, the wicked joke that turns clear eyes into blind stones.

Alice Munro

#63. No, that part's not true! That's a joke-lie. I'm not going to lie to you in this story because I want you to know that the rest of it is true.

Tina Fey

#64. I joke, but I only half joke, that if you come to one of our hospitals missing a limb, no one will believe you till they get a CAT scan, MRI, or orthopedic consult.

Abraham Verghese

#65. GRANDMA: Are you a gay?
ORPHEUS: I am straight. I'm definitely dating a girl, gran. Do you think she's a man?
*She laughs*
ORPHEUS' BRAIN: Thank god she took it as a joke. I would have been executed on the town square for such a rude back answer.

Scarlett Brukett

#66. If you write a novel where war is nothing but hell and no one experiences excitement or cracks a dark joke, then you're not actually admitting the full experience.

Phil Klay

#67. One evening, Mike Myers and Steven Spielberg were discussing 'Goldmember,' and I just happened to joke, 'If you need a Japanese character, let me know!' The next day, they called me for audition! I find it's always helpful to maintain a sense of humour.

Nobu Matsuhisa

#68. When you're an older woman [in a movie], you are the brunt of the joke.

Jane Fonda

#69. Someone said to me at a party once, 'Oh, yeah, you're a comedian? Then how come you're not funny now?' And I just wanted to say, 'Well, I'm just going to take this conversation we're having and then repeat that to strangers, and then that's the joke. You're the joke later.'

Mike Birbiglia

#70. I learned how fast you can go from being an international hero to being a reference in a joke on a late night talk show.

Michael Phelps

#71. Monkeys
What! His partner said.
Monkeys are funny, said Peabody.'So why didn't we we pick monkeys.
His partner sighed and shook his head with sad dismay.
Monkeys? Jesus.
Monkeys' idea of fun is throwing their shit at you. Monkeys always take the joke a step too far.

Toby Barlow

#72. Only the day before, Cockie's dark joke wouldn't have included me, but now it did. "Is love always such a mess, do you suppose?

Paula McLain

#73. I always thought there was some cleverness to the joke diet in which you could eat as much as you want and as often as you want, but everything must be consumed naked in front of a full-length mirror. That would deter me!

Gene Weingarten

#74. We need somebody to put rat poisoning in Justice Stevens' creme brulee. That's just a joke, for you in the media.

Ann Coulter

#75. Guys will definitely settle for women who get the joke. But a woman who can make you laugh? It's not high on a guy's must list. Perhaps it should be.

Hank Azaria

#76. A great door opened by God for work, but while I'm doing the work, all Hell breaks loose. Oh! The idea that when God opens a door and He's with you, you don't have to fight. Oh, what a joke. That is a joke. In fact, if you don't feel the devil fighting against you, that's a bad sign.

Jim Cymbala

#77. I've always been a fan at home. That's the one joke I have with Sam [Champion]. "I've always loved you! I remember wanting to be you in grade school!"

Chris Cuomo

#78. I was joking earlier when I said that all writers are manic depressives, but it's a joke with a lot of truth behind it. For fiction writers and poets, too, there's something wrong with you and you do this art as a way of correcting it or addressing it in some way.

T.C. Boyle

#79. A joke isn't yours. It's used and you don't know where it's been.

Ricky Gervais

#80. Comedy has always been important in my family. If you got in a good joke at the dinner table, it meant more than almost anything else.

Isla Fisher

#81. Some people are so dry that you might soak them in a joke for a month and it would not get through their skins.

Henry Ward Beecher

#82. It's crazy because people expect you to be funny all the time and every day is not a funny day. I go to funerals and people are like 'tell a joke' and 'say one of your lines in a movie.' It's a funeral, man!

Chris Tucker

#83. And I watch all the dailies and I grade the jokes or the moments, you know, on a scale from ... so I know exactly what we have. And so I can then go into the editing room and be like "I want you to do this moment, this moment, this joke, that joke. I'd like to see 3 versions."

Nicholas Stoller

#84. Hey! D'you guys hear Dr. Atkins died? Slipped on some ice, hit his head, died on life support. The man who invented the all-meat diet ... died a vegetable. That's a damn good joke. But that joke's like a Toyota Camry - reliable, not inspiring.

Christopher Titus

#85. The whole idea of a spokesman is a joke and a fraud if you drop someone like a hot potato if there's controversy.

Jerry Della Femina

#86. I lived that life for real, so to talk about it was like a joke, you know what I mean?

Tone-Loc

#87. I felt like onstage I have to have a certain amount of anonymity, like, personal anonymity, to feel loose and free. When you're up there with people who've known you for a decade, and you make a bad joke and you hear the cackling behind the drums, it's hard to get lost in the moment.

Jenny Lewis

#88. When you people have a set up joke and the joke is set up straight and the words are just well written, I always say "C'mon, humans don't speak that way."

Will Gluck

#89. Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.

Ken Dodd

#90. Hey, Axi. What's the difference between a doctor and a lawyer?" I knew this joke - it was one of Robinson's standards. And I was only half-surprised he was trotting it out now. Playing along, I said, "I don't know. What?" "A lawyer will rob you; a doctor will rob you and kill you, too.

James Patterson

#91. A Swedish newspaper reporter called and said, You've been awarded the Prize. I was quite sure it was a practical joke.

Joshua Lederberg

#92. I had a dream about you last night... we tried to joke but neither could make any sense. We realized that puns are present in every language, though not shared by any of them.

Marshall Ramsay

#93. I watch children a great deal; their idea is that rules are always negotiable, whereas you absolutely cannot joke at the airport about your toothpaste, and you cannot rollerblade in Grand Central Station. I keep running up against these things.

Natalie Jeremijenko

#94. That line again. For Ian, a joke was not a single-use item but something you brought out again and again until it fell apart in your hands like a cheap umbrella.

David Nicholls

#95. On a spiritual level, on a place where you want to be a better human being and listen more, I try. I joke, but it has. I mean, I don't consider myself a card-carrying Buddhist, you know. But I do believe deeply in the ideas, and I think anytime you have interest in anything, it somehow humbles you.

Jake Gyllenhaal

#96. In fact, it used to be a joke if you studied at a University.

Tony Randall

#97. What do you call a rifle with three barrels?
A trifle.

Joseph Rosenbloom

#98. Not really riding weather, is it, miss? Unless you're a duck." He chuckled at his own joke.
"Quack," Jenna said...

Deborah Blake

#99. In Beijing, the joke among hacks is that, after the drive in from the airport, you are ready to write a column; after a month, you feel the stirrings of an idea-book; but after a year, you struggle to write anything at all, because you've finally discovered just how much you don't know.

Evan Osnos

#100. I think one artist to another artist, the best compliment you can pay one another, because the part of you that is inspired or creates something, to write a joke or a song, that's like the God-like part of a person.

Dave Chappelle