Milton Berle Famous Quotes & Sayings

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Top 100 Milton Berle Quotes

#1. There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #1032809
#2. At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #1284613
#3. There's a difference between being a comic and a comedian. A comic is a guy who says funny things, and a comedian is a guy who says things funny, and he has a style and point of view that will last much longer. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #1254933
#4. We owe a lot to Thomas Edison-if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #1226651
#5. The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #1191374
#6. This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!" - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #1187976
#7. I'd rather be a 'could-be' if I cannot be an 'are' because a 'could-be' is a 'maybe' who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a 'has-been' than a 'might-have-been' by far; for a 'might-have-been' has never been, but a 'has' was once an 'are. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #1155510
#8. One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #1147602
#9. Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs
is that a promise or a threat? - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #1131178
#10. My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here? - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #1108238
#11. Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #1106176
#12. I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #1062591
#13. In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #1054552
#14. Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #1288633
#15. It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #1032387
#16. Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #1006534
#17. Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #970485
#18. He was such a bad writer, they revoked his poetic license. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #949413
#19. A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!" - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #936382
#20. I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #935263
#21. A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #934320
#22. I really doubt whether evolution ever works, how then come Mothers have only two hands - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #928661
#23. I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #916426
#24. I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods! - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #860668
#25. When opportunity doesn't knock, create a door - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #839456
#26. I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #1639052
#27. You can't believe everything you hear, but it's fun to repeat it anyway. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #1856195
#28. Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #1834223
#29. My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #1823393
#30. Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #1807363
#31. In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #1791611
#32. An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #1786929
#33. My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #1773529
#34. At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #1733197
#35. I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #1718209
#36. I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #1668760
#37. Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #1657136
#38. I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #1653972
#39. Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one? - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #835644
#40. I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #1603904
#41. Valentine's Day is like Armistice Day - you declare a truce. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #1598262
#42. My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #1595604
#43. On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #1525108
#44. Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #1516769
#45. What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #1498272
#46. I just read about a schoolteacher who got hurt. She was grading papers on a curve! - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #1469319
#47. Radio ... that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people ... who fortunately can't reach me. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #1420010
#48. It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #1355820
#49. If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #1334894
#50. I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #1291843
#51. The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #162149
#52. I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #426713
#53. For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #380804
#54. Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #353146
#55. Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #345082
#56. She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #337495
#57. My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #324264
#58. My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #305080
#59. It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #298659
#60. I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #202166
#61. The only place success comes before is in the dictionary - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #183061
#62. Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #171373
#63. Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore! - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #162582
#64. I received a lot of complaints from parents who wrote and told me that their kids wouldn't go to sleep until our show was over. So I went on the air and told all the children watching to 'listen to their Uncle Miltie and go to bed right after the show.' - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #429403
#65. The last time I saw Marilyn was in late 1959, when I appeared in Let's Make Love at Fox. The wide-eyed Marilyn I had first known was gone. This Marilyn was more beautiful than ever. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #157499
#66. War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #127826
#67. When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!" - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #125183
#68. I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #124426
#69. She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #96466
#70. I have a file of four million jokes ... I have them cross-indexed. Whatever subject you want, I have a joke on it. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #80264
#71. I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #73897
#72. My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it? - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #67153
#73. Laughter is an instant vacation. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #60084
#74. Laughter is the best medicine in the world. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #40453
#75. Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #23469
#76. At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #602221
#77. People say I owe a lot to television. The fact is I was a star long before television. What TV made me is unemployed. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #831191
#78. Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #805490
#79. My brother applied for work, but was told by the company that it had more employees than it needed. My brother said, "Don't worry. The little bit of work I do won't be noticed !!!" - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #791183
#80. I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift." - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #775349
#81. Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #749368
#82. Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #749296
#83. A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, "Did you miss a step?"
"No," he answers, "I hit every one of them! - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #742877
#84. I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #683925
#85. It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids! - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #681677
#86. You don't need to travel, laughter is an instant vacation - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #629435
#87. I don't date women my age. There aren't any. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #618956
#88. They've finally comes up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #613747
#89. My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #3513
#90. The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #594070
#91. You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #550009
#92. I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #549640
#93. I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #544288
#94. I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #538346
#95. Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #522780
#96. Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it's the kids who have to do all the work. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #508259
#97. A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #501987
#98. Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand - and they feel glorious. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #500631
#99. One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along? - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #459724
#100. The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring. - Author: Milton Berle
Milton Berle Quotes #454850

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