Top 100 Milton Berle Quotes
#1. My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.
Milton Berle
#2. Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
Milton Berle
#3. Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
Milton Berle
#5. My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?
Milton Berle
#6. I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.
Milton Berle
#7. I have a file of four million jokes ... I have them cross-indexed. Whatever subject you want, I have a joke on it.
Milton Berle
#8. She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.
Milton Berle
#9. I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.
Milton Berle
#10. When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!"
Milton Berle
#11. War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
Milton Berle
#12. The last time I saw Marilyn was in late 1959, when I appeared in Let's Make Love at Fox. The wide-eyed Marilyn I had first known was gone. This Marilyn was more beautiful than ever.
Milton Berle
#13. The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.
Milton Berle
#14. Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore!
Milton Berle
#15. Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
Milton Berle
#16. The only place success comes before is in the dictionary
Milton Berle
#17. I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.
Milton Berle
#18. It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now.
Milton Berle
#20. My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.
Milton Berle
#21. She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it.
Milton Berle
#22. Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.
Milton Berle
#23. Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.
Milton Berle
#24. For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
Milton Berle
#25. I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
Milton Berle
#26. I received a lot of complaints from parents who wrote and told me that their kids wouldn't go to sleep until our show was over. So I went on the air and told all the children watching to 'listen to their Uncle Miltie and go to bed right after the show.'
Milton Berle
#27. The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
Milton Berle
#28. One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?
Milton Berle
#29. Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand - and they feel glorious.
Milton Berle
#30. A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
Milton Berle
#31. Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it's the kids who have to do all the work.
Milton Berle
#32. Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.
Milton Berle
#33. I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.
Milton Berle
#34. I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.
Milton Berle
#35. I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.
Milton Berle
#36. You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
Milton Berle
#37. The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.
Milton Berle
#38. At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
Milton Berle
#39. They've finally comes up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
Milton Berle
#40. I don't date women my age. There aren't any.
Milton Berle
#41. You don't need to travel, laughter is an instant vacation
Milton Berle
#42. It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!
Milton Berle
#43. I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.
Milton Berle
#44. A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, "Did you miss a step?"
"No," he answers, "I hit every one of them!
Milton Berle
#45. Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
Milton Berle
#46. Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.
Milton Berle
#47. I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift."
Milton Berle
#48. My brother applied for work, but was told by the company that it had more employees than it needed. My brother said, "Don't worry. The little bit of work I do won't be noticed !!!"
Milton Berle
#49. Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.
Milton Berle
#50. People say I owe a lot to television. The fact is I was a star long before television. What TV made me is unemployed.
Milton Berle
#51. Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?
Milton Berle
#52. When opportunity doesn't knock, create a door
Milton Berle
#53. I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
Milton Berle
#54. I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
Milton Berle
#55. I really doubt whether evolution ever works, how then come Mothers have only two hands
Milton Berle
#56. A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
#57. I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.
Milton Berle
#58. A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"
Milton Berle
#59. He was such a bad writer, they revoked his poetic license.
Milton Berle
#60. Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
Milton Berle
#61. Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it.
Milton Berle
#62. It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
Milton Berle
#63. There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.
Milton Berle
#64. In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
Milton Berle
#65. I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
Milton Berle
#66. Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
Milton Berle
#67. My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
Milton Berle
#68. Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs
is that a promise or a threat?
Milton Berle
#69. One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
Milton Berle
#70. I'd rather be a 'could-be' if I cannot be an 'are' because a 'could-be' is a 'maybe' who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a 'has-been' than a 'might-have-been' by far; for a 'might-have-been' has never been, but a 'has' was once an 'are.
Milton Berle
#71. This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"
Milton Berle
#72. The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
Milton Berle
#73. We owe a lot to Thomas Edison-if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
Milton Berle
#74. There's a difference between being a comic and a comedian. A comic is a guy who says funny things, and a comedian is a guy who says things funny, and he has a style and point of view that will last much longer.
Milton Berle
#75. At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.
Milton Berle
#76. Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient
Milton Berle
#77. I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong.
Milton Berle
#78. If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Milton Berle
#79. It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.
Milton Berle
#80. Radio ... that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people ... who fortunately can't reach me.
Milton Berle
#81. I just read about a schoolteacher who got hurt. She was grading papers on a curve!
Milton Berle
#82. What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.
Milton Berle
#83. Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
Milton Berle
#84. On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
Milton Berle
#85. My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
Milton Berle
#86. Valentine's Day is like Armistice Day - you declare a truce.
Milton Berle
#87. I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.
Milton Berle
#88. I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.
Milton Berle
#89. I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.
Milton Berle
#90. Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife.
Milton Berle
#91. I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.
Milton Berle
#92. I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.
Milton Berle
#93. At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.
Milton Berle
#94. My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.
Milton Berle
#95. An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it.
Milton Berle
#96. In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
Milton Berle
#97. Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
Milton Berle
#98. My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
Milton Berle
#99. Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
Milton Berle
#100. You can't believe everything you hear, but it's fun to repeat it anyway.
Milton Berle
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