Top 95 Witty Humor Quotes
#1. With Kennedy, I was anchored. She filled all the lonely spaces inside of me with her laughter, with her wry and witty humor, with everything we had in common.
Lauren Blakely
#2. Displacement of 'What goes around, comes around' is Zero.
Gaurav Rao
#4. Well, enough of this introspection. It's depressing, quite frankly.
Sol Luckman
#5. Master Griffin, I would marry my own mother for the excuse to stab my eyes out with her brooches than to see anything under your kilt," the man's voice said with an elegant aplomb. "Where would you like your guest's things, sir?
Tiffany Reisz
#6. As it 'appens, I am Arthur's right-hand man," said Suzy. "Or left-hand girl, I can't remember where I stood last time. Anyhow, me and Arthur is like two fingers of a gauntlet. Or at least the thumb and the little finger. I mean, I'm his top General, and all. So if I say you're in, you're in.
Garth Nix
#7. It's one thing if your hobby is to put ships inside a bottle, but a deer in the headlights! ... That's a real talent
Josh Stern
#9. I'm not sure I've turned your Commander inside out, but I can assure you if that iron skillet was empty, I would bring him down a peg or two.
Julia Mills
#12. A team that is always fun with witty sense of humor. We help each other around a lot and help push each other to be better
Min
#13. I'll give you a cake if you get him in the stream by the end of the afternoon,' Mori said to Six.
'Hold on,' Thaniel said. 'No making criminals of the orphans, Fagin.'
'But I want some cake,' Six frowned. 'And his name isn't Fagin.
Natasha Pulley
#14. Yes. Reyn is our resident horse master. He has an excellent seat."
I grinned. "I've noticed."
Reyn's face tightened and Nell flushed, looking embarrassed. "It's an equestrian term."
"Really? I thought you were talking about his ass.
Cate Tiernan
#15. Neil Mars?! I could blame him for having killer looks but he could not be faulted for this. He couldn't have chosen that name for himself. No wonder he tortures his Mom by calling her by her name.
Rucy Ban
#17. Is it white wine? Red tastes like vinegar.'
'Of course it's white wine, I'm Japanese.
Natasha Pulley
#18. Though you can live for as much as you like, but your longevity is stupidity if you were leading a worthless life.
Michael Bassey Johnson
#19. Well,' Frederick had said, 'I will see what can be arranged, Archie. But I will not have the girl frightened or compromised.'
'You sound like a grandfather who has raised fifteen daughters and is now starting on his granddaughters, Freddie,' Lord Archibald had said. 'It is most disconcerting.
Mary Balogh
#20. But have you ever seen one? ... They shook their heads. "Not Physically, no. But if you look at this passage - "
Man, she liked that Bible. I'd read it and could definitely understand it's appeal, but I didn't have time for this.
Darynda Jones
#21. Miss Langman was often, in interviews, described as a witty conversationalist; how can a woman be witty when she hasn't a sense of humor? - and she has none, which was her central flaw as a person and as an artist.
Truman Capote
#22. The cocktail filled him with a whirling exhilaration behind which he was aware of devastating desires - to rush places in fast motors, to kiss girls, to sing, to be witty ... He perceived that he had gifts of profligacy which had been neglected.
- chapter 8
Sinclair Lewis
#23. My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Emo Philips
#24. Adele was in everybody's wish list, and her list of Romeos was nearly as long as the Yellow Pages. Some witty person had suggested that her family needed a system of traffic lights to avoid fatal crashes for the men in her life.
Olga Nunez Miret
#25. Think of yourselves as pearls. We, sitting in our rows, eyes down, we make her salivate morally. We are hers to define, we must suffer her adjectives. I think about pearls. Pearls are congealed oyster spit.
Margaret Atwood
#26. No matter how dire a situation may be, I can always find the humor in it somewhere. If I was ever in a horror movie I would be the goofy one who doesn't seem to know quite what's going on but survives to the end with witty one-liners.
A.J. Rose
#27. When I die cremate me so I can finally fit into something small.
Xondra Day
#29. (About a cookbook ... )
- What about this one? Maids of Honor?
- Weeelll, they starts OUT as Maids of Honor ... but they ends up Tarts.
Terry Pratchett
#30. There was a rare quality about Nurse Grace's smile. It was the knowledge that sooner or later her smile would inspire some witty observer to say something around the lines of, "Every time you do this, an angel farts".
Sorin Suciu
#31. He wasn't aware of it but when he smiled he looked like an amiable bear. When he didn't smile he didn't look amiable
Emma Goldrick
#32. I'm a Buddhist. You might have a Christian obligation to catch pneumonia while you sit for two and a half hours listening to some twerp in a dress drone on about the virtue of wedded life but, dear as you are to me, I don't.
Natasha Pulley
#33. -"He loved her ... It was noble of him. It was beautiful."
-"It was stupid.
Lloyd Alexander
#34. What's that?' Thaniel said, curious. The postmarks and stamps weren't English or Japanese.
'A painting. There's a depressed Dutchman who does countryside scenes and flowers and things. It's ugly, but I have to maintain the estates in Japan and modern art is a good investment.
Natasha Pulley
#35. Who knew Demon Child would have such a normal name? I expected something exotic like Serena or Destiny or the Evil One That Comes in the Night to Make Us Chilly.
Darynda Jones
#36. Never make eye contact with a stranger when you're having a churro.
Rucy Ban
#37. The problem with a life spent reading is you know too much.
Josh Lanyon
#38. Life is meaning less when you realized that you are about to die. Till then, everything negative however trifle they may be, depress you.
Ankur Basu Roy
#39. Nobody wants a house in Osaka,' he said, and it was strange to hear him switch suddenly to foreign pronunciation in the middle of his English. 'It would mean you had to live in Osaka.'
'What's wrong with it?'
'It's like . . . Birmingham.
Natasha Pulley
#40. My wife was saying to me just the other day how she's noticed a spring in my step lately. That was because I thought you were gone forever.'
'I missed you too, Thurid.
Derek Landy
#42. I am still not used to being the possessor of such a grand title. I believe I shall have to start wearing a purple satin turban and carrying a lorgnette.
Mary Balogh
#43. Your brother Jaime keeps losing battles. He gave Sansa an angry look, as if it were her fault. He's been taken by the Starks and we've lost Riverrun and now her stupid brother is calling himself a king.
The dwarf smiled crookedly. All sorts of people are calling themselves kings these days.
George R R Martin
#44. ...to go to a dance with a guy who has all the personality of a serial killer mixed with a sponge.
J.A. Beard
#45. They were even talking about buying a bodyguard, can you believe it? I mean, what on earth would I look like, turning up with a bodyguard?
Actually, I'd look pretty cool and mysterious, wouldn't I? That might have been quite a good idea.
Sophie Kinsella
#46. I used to ask myself, 'Sergei, would you rather spend your money on drink or women?' and thanks to the club, I spend it on both and am called a patron of the arts.
Melika Dannese Lux
#47. Auntie Wu took special pride in two of her accomplishments--the sons she bore and the flowers she grew. They were equally useless, but the flowers smelled better.
Kay Honeyman
#48. I wish I knew all the answers, how to be perfect, attractive and witty. But I'm just a human being with all the regular faults and it seems no matter how hard I try, I can't change that.
Rebekah Joy Anast
#49. Jason smiled and took a sip of his coke before responding. I'm not sure how to reply to that. I thought about just giving you a nasty look. But I see you already have one.
Mark A. Cooper
#50. I am attracted to intelligence, a witty sense of humor, an adventurous outlook on life and spiritual awareness about one's self and the world.
Tanit Phoenix
#51. His friend laughed. 'You missed your calling, Freddie,' he said. 'You should have been one of the aforementioned clergy. Is this what marriage does to you? One shudders at the very idea.
Mary Balogh
#52. Have any sheep been seen walking out of the Library with seagoing adventurers clinging to their wool?
Lindsey Davis
#53. Nothing like cleaning the whole house while my siblings sing "O Canada" - #oldestchildsyndrome.
Michelle N. Onuorah
#54. My waist is a 30. The jeans are a 28. When I fart, the Reeboks blow off.
Steve Kluger
#56. Spanish - how shall I say this? - is like
Portuguese spoken with a speech impediment.
Sol Luckman
#57. Don't worry about it; only worry about how people like her breed.
Gasmaskman
#58. And it's really very difficult to kill someone when all your inner instincts would oblige you to take off your hat first!
Susan Kay
#59. Nobody ever goes to that store to shop because it's too crowded.
Sol Luckman
#60. Dead yet?" Gus answered.
I smirked. "Not yet, but the night's still young."
"Here's hoping.
Jessica Shirvington
#61. He gave a wry smile. With all this vigilant vigils on virginity, you would think the country would have controlled its population by now.
Mallika Nawal
#62. She's like a cross between an onion and donkey," Farah said.
"Why?" Jason and Connor asked simultaneously.
"Cause she's a piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye." Farah laughed.
Mark A. Cooper
#64. There were so many viciously sarcastic ways to respond, Jaden's brain was temporarily paralyzed due to witty comeback overload.
Courtney Kirchoff
#65. I guess it's funny how life turns out?" she tried. "Not last I checked," Errol said with a snort.
Daniel Handler
#66. Yesterday he had limped, but today there was no part of his feet that didn't hurt, so limping did no good.
Patrick Rothfuss
#67. My father could be very witty, even if the humor was always on the darker side of irony.
Maurice Sendak
#68. My senior year of high school, I was voted 'Wittiest.' So, several years later, I decided to try my hand at writing humor to see if I could be witty enough to make some money.
Barbara Park
#69. There are some men who are witty when they are in a bad humor, and others only when they are sad.
Joseph Joubert
#70. A painting is worth a thousand confused art-gallery visitors.
Ljupka Cvetanova
#73. If you can't be yours while being mine, maybe you aren't as yours as you'd like to convince yourself that you are.
Aleksandra Ninkovic
#75. The guy's life drunk, I think, makes Candide look like a sourpuss. Does he even know that death exists?
Jandy Nelson
#76. Carla was wearing a No Fear sweatshirt. You are too old, Amy wanted to tell her, for legible clothing.
Jincy Willett
#79. I'd heard you were dead."
"I heard you wear a red lace corset," I said matter-of-factly. "But I don't believe every bit of nonsense that gets rumored about.
Patrick Rothfuss
#80. He liked murder. Murder and long walks had been two of his favorite things when he was younger.
Derek Landy
#81. I frankly felt like the reception we received on the way in from the airport was very warm and hospitable. And I want to thank the Canadian people who came out to wave
with all five fingers
for their hospitality.
George W. Bush
#83. Skul-man!' he exclaimed as he rushed forward to shake his hand. 'Last I heard you were trapped on a dead world overrun by evil trans-dimensional superfiends!'
Skulduggery nodded. 'Just got back.
Derek Landy
#84. Marriage is an honorable estate and should not be used simply as an excuse for legal intercourse.
Jasper Fforde
#85. Ack! I said.
Fearless master of the witty dialogue, that's me.
Jim Butcher
#86. Graham's life is as tense as an overstretched simile.
Zane Stumpo
#87. My parents have always had a great sense of humor. And I really appreciate good humor in songs, witty lyrics that sneak up on you and then you listen again, and say: 'That's so funny.' John Prine's songs have always had this really witty tone.
Kacey Musgraves
#88. My libido was like a Golden Retriever puppy, ready to jump all over him and lick his face.
Down, girl.
Sarina Bowen
#89. Have you ever noticed how good things go to those who hate?
Sol Luckman
#90. Every Brit I met had the best sense of humor. They're hilarious: very dry and witty.
Merritt Patterson
#92. Deke: 'You know what I'm wonderin'?'
Malachi: 'No, and to tell the truth, I don't care'
Deke: 'I'm wonderin' how you've managed to live to the ripe old age of 36, when it's a known fact that you've been brain-dead since birth'
'Strength of will', was the flat reply
Lynn Turner
#93. I was incapable of producing
anything coherent at the moment so
rather than throwing out some witty
banter in response I said something like
"Ohgaahaad" instead. Feel free to quote
me.
N.M. Silber
#94. My manager, who is a very timid person, often tells me that I should think before I speak. I tell her that she should actually have the guts to speak up about the things she thinks.
Miley Cyrus
#95. Penny was a very pretty, witty and brave girl, as bold as a Marine platoon storming Iwo Jima.
John C. Wright
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