Top 100 Short Humor Quotes
#1. I almost short her once or twice, but the excitement ends there.
Becca Fitzpatrick
#2. Don't stop at the Ford's because they're at Gerald Flatt's," a short kid says in passing.
"Super dooper!" Granny's dentures clickity-clack. "Don't stomp on the Lord just because it's raining cats." She nods and adjusts her hearing aid. "Those are words to live by, little man!
Jenny B. Jones
#3. Thanks for not talking with your fists," I said. I have a little sister, and I'm not sure I'd be as understanding with any of her boyfriends.
"I've seen you fight," he said, turning. "It would've been a terribly short conversation.
Lish McBride
#4. Trust her; we girls are two sheets short of psycho when it comes to our special little time.
Sandi Lynn
#6. An alibi is one alliterative consonant short of being a magic carpet
Josh Stern
#7. Davey Boy's Dead was given a new lease on life when doctors transplanted the Dynamite Kidney into his body. That new lease on life came to a sudden and rather hilarious end when the Dynamite Kidney exploded and tore a hole in Davey Boy's side. - The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Zombies
Darrin Mason
#8. Anybody see you come in here?"
Holly thought about it.
"The FBI, CIA, NSA, DEA, M16. Oh, and the EIB."
Foaly frowned. "EIB?"
"Everyone in the building.
Eoin Colfer
#9. Bob Davis has his hair differently this year, short with curls like Randy Jones wears. I think you call it a Frisbee.
Jerry Coleman
#10. Eden," Cyrus snapped bringing her back to the present. "I have a sword pointed at you. Will you please focus
Samantha Young
#11. This is no tall story. Nor is it a short story. Indeed, a story cannot be measured, for their realities stretch far beyond a page or one person's life.
Leah Broadby
#12. Never trust a man with short legs. His brains are too near his bottom.
Noel Coward
#13. If a writer writes poems and short stories and novels, but nobody ever reads them, is she really a writer?
Jennifer Weiner
#14. This isn't where I intended to be. Killing a person has a funny way of getting your life off-track.
Erin Mitchell
#15. Mike," she said in her most seductive voice. "You know and I know that I want to get laid tonight. It's been too long since I've been with a man. I'm interested in one room in this apartment and one room only.
Rosetta Bloom
#16. Well why don't you lean over this counter a little more and give me your best kiss, and then I'll tell you if I want you to take me out to dinner.
Zack Love
#17. All men that are ruined are ruined on the side of their natural propensities, the note concludes.
This is surely true. Yet the vivacity with which he embraces ruin is unexampled, in my experience.
Donald Barthelme
#18. I've been stabbed before. Barely a week ago, in fact. AND I've been audited, AND I come from a broken home. In short - no offense, shorty - you don't scare me.
MaryJanice Davidson
#19. The website increases my excitement when I read, "Hark, the pies are calling!" My excitement is short-lived, however. I read the page again and realize that it is "pipes" that are calling, not "pies" as I had hoped. I am disappointed. I personally react better to the call of pies.
Aefa Mulholland
#20. Lost Cactus is a cornucopia of sights, sounds and inhabitants completely foreign to a little squirrel like Sammy, but attempting to set him straight will only complicate matters.
John Hopkins
#21. Life is short. Eat dessert first
-Wendy Mass, Jeremy Fink And The Meaning Of Life
Wendy Mass
#22. The amount of women you hear say, "If Donald - or Arthur - or whatever his name was - had only lived." And I sometimes think but if he had, he'd have been a stout, unromantic, short-tempered, middle-aged husband as likely as not.
Agatha Christie
#24. You're driving me fucking crazy!"
"There's a short trip!
Abigail Roux
#25. Want to have a short phone call with someone? Call them at 11:55 a.m., right before lunch. They'll talk fast. You may think you are interesting, but you are not more interesting than lunch.
Randy Pausch
#26. Although I understand that all days are equal with 24 hours each, most of us agree that Friday is the longest day of the week and Sunday the shortest!
D.S. Mixell
#27. Gabrielle chuckled, her dark eyes twinkling. "So he's been after you, has he? Poor Etta, pursued by a sun priest offering to pleasure - "
"Every nook and cranny," Marietta interrupted dryly and Gabrielle tipped her head back with a throaty laugh.
Michelle O'Leary
#28. It was one of the fringe benefits of living for so many years essentially alienated from the world around him; He could easily believe that he was right and the world was wrong.
Michael Lewis
#29. When you walk a dog on a short leash, she's close enough to bite you.
Ilona Andrews
#30. [Jack] checked his watch, then returned to studying her back. damn if she didn't have a nice back, too - smooth, unblemished skin, nicely shaped vertebrae-
He pulled himself up short. Nicely shaped vertebrae? Was he going insane?
Sarah Mayberry
#31. I'm Razo, a member of Bayern's Own," he said, stopping himself from adding "Loafing is just a hobby of mine."
"Bayern's Own? But you're a child."
Razo looked up to the sky. "I'm not a child, I'm just short.
Shannon Hale
#32. It was in this pub he'd learnt that, contrary to the belief of the majority of those laying bets, it is possible to flatten a hundred frogs with a hammer in less than thirty seconds. In short, it was a pub with a reputation. And very slimy walls.
Tony McGuin
#33. A dam doesn't try to reason with the water. Its main purpose is to hold it still for a while. When I lecture my kids I'm doing much the same thing. I'm not trying to necessarily reason with them, just hold them still for a short while.
Spuds Crawford
#34. Life Is Too Short--So Kiss Slowly,
Laugh Insanely, Love Truly,
And Live With Passion.
Andy Vogt
#36. I get it,' said the prisoner. 'Good Cop, Bad Cop, eh?'
If you like.' said Vimes. 'But we're a bit short staffed here, so if I give you a cigarette would you mind kicking yourself in the teeth?
Terry Pratchett
#38. Bentley is a good bee with a shaky sense of direction and an appetite for mayhem. Just don't call him a drone. He hates that.
John Hopkins
#39. The dimple in his left cheek was ironic-it gave the impression that he was sweet as a cupcake. (Dark City Lights)
Elaine Kagan
#40. ... There may not be even two men living in the world whom I would have agreed to marry, certainly not on such short notice. But I do not need two; I only need one.
Marie Brennan
#41. Mama has such cleverly timed headaches I wonder if she has any at all.
A.E. Moseley
#42. Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days.
Ellen DeGeneres
#43. I came up with a pen and tablet hoping to write an immortal short story, but I've been having a dreadful time with my heroine - I CAN'T make her behave as I want her to behave; so I've abandoned her for the moment, and am writing to you.
Jean Webster
#44. I'm actually writing a short story about a photographer who went completely insane trying to take a close up photo of the horizon.
Steven Wright
#45. As the carriage bumped her bones along the dark country lanes, Martha decided that if she ever got back to her own time she would write a book called 'Travel in the Edwardian Era. It would be a short book - OUCH in capital letters followed by fifty pages of bad language.
Stephen Cole
#46. One thing I have always been is too short. It's adorable when you're in junior high. After that, it's a pain in the ass for the rest of your life.
Elizabeth Berg
#47. Ty is green but never with envy. Best of all, he's usually available to help move a heavy piece of furniture.
John Hopkins
#48. That's No'-as-big-as-Medium-Sized-Jock-but-bigger-than-Wee-Jock-Jock, mistress,' said Not-as-big-as-Medium-Sized-Jock-but-bigger-than-Wee-Jock-Jock. 'Ye were one jock short,' he added helpfully.
Terry Pratchett
#49. And for the record, I'm not short! I'm space-efficient.
C.T. Oliver
#50. Winnie, don't you ever think you're selling yourself short?"
"Nope. Never. I'm really good at picking quality dick.
Elizabeth Brown
#51. Don't expect me to tell you apart," Reagan said when this became a routine.
"I have short hair," Wren said. "and she wears glasses."
"Stop," Reagan groaned, "don't make me look at you. It's like The Shining in here.
Rainbow Rowell
#52. Oh, yeah, this girl was going down. She had no idea who she was messing with. And, sadly, she didn't seem to care.
I hoped her drawer came up short at the end of her shift. Karma's a bitch.
Darynda Jones
#53. A driver had been sent to meet us. He was gray-haired, short, and nimble and introduced himself. I am Patrick and so is every fourth man in Ireland, and the ones in between are named Sean or Mick or Finn, and I'll be driving you.
Sharon Creech
#54. Suspense is very important. Even though this is humor and they're short stories, that theory of building suspense is still there.
Sergio Aragones
#55. Only criminals and madmen walk into Central Park after midnight...or, occasionally, an actor. (Dark City Lights)
Jane Dentinger
#56. A short poem from my book:
Perspective
Of course
there is a hell
she said
and it has
an observation deck;
so I may
stand and wave
to all those kind
souls below
who warned me
I would go there.
Michelle Hartman
#57. I'm the crazy girly captain, Remember?
Eoin Colfer
#58. He was a gentle and sensitive soul, and therefore had a short temper, which is why he went straight after everything with an ax ...
Bohumil Hrabal
#59. Isabel frowned. "Alma Trumbo, you did not just dig up a human bone from our flowerbed. It's got to be a dinosaur bone, dinky or not."
"A dinosaur bone, eh?" The short, stout Alma gave her tall, slim sister the old up and down. "What then, are we the Flintstones living in Bedrock?
Ed Lynskey
#60. Oh, yeah. He's dead, a voice inside her head confirmed.
"No way!" Brianna backed away from him, looking around the room in panic.
Yeah, you're right. That lack of pulse probably means something else.
Natasha Larry
#61. While you've been gadding about the countryside, we've held a meeting, and we've all of us decided that you must go.'
In short, we've voted you out of the family,' Daffy said. 'It was unanimous.
Alan Bradley
#62. Short fiction is like low relief. And if your story has no humor in it, then you're trying to look at something in the pitch dark. With the light of humor, it throws what you're writing into relief so that you can actually see it.
Elizabeth McCracken
#63. I'm LEP. A captain. No rent-a-cop gnome is going to stand in the way of my orders.
Eoin Colfer
#65. Is there a short-eared koobish, then?'
Mmmyes ... ' said J.Lo. 'But it is technically not really a koobish. Is more alike a kind of singing pumpkin.'
We had conversations like these all the time, where I just eventually gave up.
Adam Rex
#66. I thought I was in love, but it was only a head cold. (Humans)
Robert Emmett
#68. I'm not short," Daisy muttered. "Short women are never mysterious, or elegant, or pursued by handsome men. And they're always treated like children. I refuse to be short.
Lisa Kleypas
#69. It was one of those situations I often find myself in while traveling. Something's said by a stranger I've been randomly thrown into contact with, and I want to say, Listen. I'm with you on most of this, but before we continue, I need to know who you voted for in the last election.
David Sedaris
#70. When do you bleed a patient?"
The question brought me up short. "When I want him to die?" I asked dubiously.
Patrick Rothfuss
#71. I wax poetic
On the beauty of sewers
Real short poem. Done
Rick Riordan
#72. Free from ivory-tower
the pencil twirls
across the footpath
Santosh Kalwar
#73. A short distance away is the Tidal Basin, ringed by cherry trees that every year produce flowers, an event to which Washingtonians react as though it were the Second Coming of Christ.
Dave Barry
#74. I got the sneaking suspicion that the vampire was a couple of Peeps short of an Easter basket.
Jim Butcher
#75. The train hit her with the sound of a meat-filled hefty bag smacking the pavement, and the effect was much the same, I guess. (Dark City Lights)
Warren Moore
#77. Unaware that he is only interested in the presumed parched pucker in her pants, she is more than happy to give him her phone number.
Curtis Ackie
#78. The exorcist had a slightly Australian tinge to his voice, and the laid-back, whatever-comes-next attitude of a man who had suddenly realised two degrees short of a sunstroke that exorcism was the perfect career choice he'd never been offered in school.
Kate Griffin
#79. You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.
Chris Rock
#80. [Razo] knocked, peered inside, then jumped and shut the door, quiet as brushing two feathers together. He smiled at his own stealth, then swaggered right into a chair, banging it against the wall.
You oaf. He cut short his swagger and began to move with exaggerated sneakiness.
Shannon Hale
#81. My whore of a brother has done it again." "Then, as always, orders me to clean up the mess." "I think I hate him." Poseidon to his brother, Zeus.
Yelle Hughes
#82. May the fleas of a thousand camels invade the crotch of the person that ruins your day. And may their arms be to short too scratch
Keisha Keenleyside
#83. When the emergency brappers went of they did what any dedicated, well-trained and quick-minded Service personnel would do; they paniced.
From the short story What Makes Us Human.
Stephen R. Donaldson
#84. I was intentionally curbing the impulse to be funny and hiding the ability. I wrote any number of very serious attempts at poems, short stories, novels - horrible. At a certain point, I recognized that it was fun to write dialogue that had a degree of lightness and humor.
Patrick DeWitt
#85. Allow yourself, if only for a short moment, to go to that place where you cannot possibly think of one thing that you need to do. Go there and see what happens.
Art Hochberg
#86. What is the sound of one hand clapping? What is the weight of a single grain of sand? The answer is equal to my interest in the message you are about to leave so make it short.
Mitch Hertzog's voice mail message.
Meg Cabot
#87. If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, only two went back to women.
Mort Sahl
#88. It seems to me that sometimes-or perhaps I might venture most of the time-occurrences have no cause at all. New stars appear and old ones vanish. Short hats become popular again. Things are as they are and do as they please for absolutely no reason at all.
Galen Beckett
#89. I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
Ellen DeGeneres
#90. Short people have long faces, and long people have short faces. Big people have little humor, and little people have no humor at all.
Donald O'Connor
#91. Listen, last time I talked to you three, you were all two oars short of having any oars, so I don't want to hear it.
James Riley
#92. I believe that because I had obtained a wife who was made up of wife-signs (beauty, charm, softness, perfume, cookery) I had found love.
Donald Barthelme
#93. Where would David Copperfield be if Dickens had gone to writing classes? Probably about seventy minor characters short, is where. (Did you know that Dickens is estimated to have invented thirteen thousand characters? Thirteen thousand! The population of a small town!)
Nick Hornby
#94. That was 1993 grunge in suburbia. This was 2003 hell in Harlem. (Dark City Lights)
Eve Kagan
#95. Ordinarily, anyone who made such a remark to my face would go to the top of my short list for strychnine.
Alan Bradley
#96. I appreciate this, but I just want to know one thing: How are you going to fuck me?
Michael Lewis
#97. I would be the first to admit that I drew attention to my chest since, being so short, I need to give people a reason to look down far enough to see me.
Meredith Schorr
#98. Life is way too short to get lost, so follow the script the way it comes and keep changing the checkpoints on every page.
Neetesh Dixit
#99. You can take the barbarian out of the tavern, but he can take the blood out of your body.
Greg X. Graves
#100. In high school, she'd been the loner fat girl and I'd been the asshole jock. There had always been something between us; we had gotten on so easily. I remember being both confused and upset that when I'd finally experienced that thing everyone called chemistry, it had been with her of all people.
Rose Fall
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