Top 100 Religion Humor Quotes
#1. There is no reason to regard God as immune from
consideration along the spectrum of probabilities. And there is
certainly no reason to suppose that, just because God can be neither
proved nor disproved, his probability of existence is 50 per cent.
Richard Dawkins
#2. No the cat we had to leave. It was not Protestant. But the dog, seeing no future for the Reformed Religion in France, was happy enough to go.
Judith Merkle Riley
#3. The problem I have with all this religion stuff is that I can't relate to it. I think most people got into 'cos it gave them something to do on a Sunday, but since all the shops are now open it isn't required as much.
Karl Pilkington
#4. I'm here to tell you, there ain't much forgiveness in that old-time religion. That particular savior was a mean son of a bitch. If you sinned, honey, he was going to get you, no doubt about it.
Ava Gardner
#5. Well, what I don't understand is why people get all dressed up and drive to church so they can sit there and get scolded. Seems to me it'd be a whole lot easier for the to just stay home in their pj's, eat pancakes, and get yelled at over the radion.
Beth Hoffman
#6. Senses of humor define people, as factions, deeper rooted than religious or political opinions. When carrying out everyday tasks, opinions are rather easy to set aside, but those whom a person shares a sense of humor with are his closest friends. They are always there to make the biggest influence.
Criss Jami
#7. That was rather interesting,' Mercer said as he filled his coffee mug and passed the thermal carafe to John. 'What do you say for dinner? Blessed be the serial killers, or else the devil would have no one to torment.
Lynn Viehl
#8. I don't know about this here eternal marriage business. But it seems to me that if you can't live with the sons-of-bitches on earth the Lord won't force you to remain with them in heaven.
J. Golden Kimball
#9. Rumi and Shams bring to our lives the simple truth that we are not alone, that God really does care. And God's joyous love for each of us is rivaled only by Her divine sense of humor.
Jamila Hammad
#10. I understand religion is a walk, it's a journey. And I fully recognize that I'm a sinner, just like you.
George W. Bush
#11. Lennon had a good point when he said that the Beatles were more popular than Jesus, the Beatles have a longer Wikipedia page.
Zachary Crosby
#12. The fool has said in his heart: pass me another Everlasting God-Stopper, please.
M.J. McGuire
#13. If heaven really exists: then heaven is the job, hell is unemployment, while life is merely an interview.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
#14. Saying someone is religious is heard in most of America as a compliment, a reassuring affirmation that someone will be moral, ethical, and after a few glasses of wine, a freak in the bedroom.
Bill Maher
#15. Me and God have a great relationship, but we're both seeing other people.
Dolly Parton
#16. The Jabalites ... They worship no god; and if we in goodness of heart do send a missionary to show them the way of life, they listen with respect to all he hath to say, and then they eat him. This doth tend to hinder the spread of light.
Mark Twain
#17. Zen is non-serious. Zen has a tremendous sense of humor. No other religion has evolved so much that it can have that sense of humor.
Rajneesh
#18. You frighten me, when you say there isn't time."
"I don't see why. Christians have been expecting the imminent end of the world for millennia."
"But it keeps not ending."
"So far, so good.
Orson Scott Card
#19. It's a lazy Saturday afternoon, there's a couple lying naked in bed reading Encyclopediea Brittannica to each other, and arguing about whether the Andromeda Galaxy is more 'numinous' than the Ressurection. Do they know how to have a good time, or don't they?
Carl Sagan
#20. God seemed to have become a brand, a packaging, and people purchase this trusted brand with such faith and devotion that they no longer care who the vendor is.
Justin Villanueva
#21. Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn't there, and finding it.
Oscar Wilde
#22. There are hardly any excesses of the most crazed psychopath that cannot easily be duplicated by a normal kindly family man who just comes in to work every day and has a job to do.
Terry Pratchett
#23. In matters of religion and matrimony I never give advice, because I will not have anybody's torments in this world or the next laid to my charge.
Philip Dormer Stanhope
#24. All weather is sin-related. Lust causes thunder, anger causes fog, and you don't want to know what causes dew.
Stephen Colbert
#25. I never joined, but I used to go to church now and then. I liked it, because they always passed out plates of money at the end.
A. Whitney Brown
#26. The trouble with being a god is that you've got no one to pray to.
Terry Pratchett
#27. Unfortunately when I'm on my death bed I believe I'll be like most people and still looking for Jesus. And yes I've checked my sock drawer.
Stanley Victor Paskavich
#28. The statement 'There is nothing more American than an Indian' happens to be a multidimensional paradox. Try and not say too many of those. That might open your mind to ideas that could cause sanity point loss.
Charles Slagle
#29. Of course, I've told Jesus to suck it, too, which earned me a certain measure of notoriety, because you have to make fun of any religion that would let you have sixteen kids and say it's God's will.
Kathy Griffin
#31. The boring thing with 'No sex before marriage' is that kids will never get to attend their parents' wedding.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
#32. Jesus."
"I thought you were Jewish."
He pressed his lips together for a second before looking at me. "Fine. I'll say Moses. Or Abraham. Happy?"
"I doubt Jesus is.
M. Kane
#34. But when I make a good [taxidermy] mount I feel like I beat God in a small way. As though the Almighty said, Let such critter be dead, and I said, 'Fuck You, he can still play the banjo.
Christopher Buehlman
#35. THE PRESOCRATIC PROBLEM
[all snap flags]
Parmenides named his gun The Hot Power of the Stars. His gun was one, uncreated, imperishable, timeless, changeless, perfect, spherical. Spherical was the problem.
Anne Carson
#36. Joy, humor, and laughter should be part of everyone's spiritual life. They are gifts from God and help us enjoy creation.
James Martin
#37. Christianity is such a silly religion.
Gore Vidal
#38. When I was in my single digits, I was subjected to the worst torture you can possibly inflict on a child: Catholic mass.
Tyler Oakley
#39. A three-day-old baby is a saint?'
Willibald flapped his hands. 'Miracles happen, lord,' he said, 'they really do. They say little Rumwold sang God's praises whenever he suckled.'
'I feel much the same when I get hild of a tit,' I said, 'so does that make me a saint?
Bernard Cornwell
#40. Religion is a killing business, churches are now full of murderers.
Sunday Adelaja
#41. Unfortunately this Electric Monk had developed a fault, and had started to believe all kinds of things, more or less at random. It was even beginning to believe things they'd have difficulty believing in Salt Lake City.
Douglas Adams
#42. In such societies it is common for ordinary people to seek out celibate spiritual leaders for marriage, love and sometimes sexual guidance. This strikes me as a particularly stupid kind of folly. Nobody ever asks a vegetarian for a recommendation for a steak house
Scott Andrews
#44. Ankh-Morpork is a godless city
'
'I thought it had more than three hundred places of worship?' said Maladict.
Strappi stared at him in rage that was incoherent until he managed to touch bottom again. 'Ankh-Morpork is a godawful city', he recovered.
Terry Pratchett
#45. And I, Nephi, took one of the daughters of Ishmael to wife.' Well Mr. Go-And-Do just went and did!
John Bytheway
#46. He knew from experience that true and obvious ideas, such as the ineffable wisdom and judgment of the Great God Om, seemed so obscure to many people that you actually had to kill them before they saw the error of their ways ...
Terry Pratchett
#47. We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
H.L. Mencken
#48. You have to be doubly foolish to be a Satanist," Stoney muttered.
"Doubly?"
"Not only do you need to believe all the nonsense of Christian theology, you then have to turn around and back the preordained, guaranteed-to-fail, absolutely futile losing side.
Greg Egan
#49. When we passed a Catholic church, I recalled, he said, You think your dad's a good chemist? They're turning soda crackers into meat in there. Can your dad do that?
Kurt Vonnegut
#50. If chance be the Father of all flesh,
Disaster is his rainbow in the sky,
And when you hear
State of Emergency!
Sniper Kills Ten!
Troops on Rampage!
Whites go Looting!
Bomb Blasts School!
It is but the sound of man worshiping his maker.
Steve Turner
#51. You're arguing in a circle," I said. "In a spiral," said Lamiel, "which is the best way to argue.
Harry Blamires
#52. If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.
Woody Allen
#53. If opposites attract why is the church trying so hard to mirror the world?
Lakesha Ruise
#54. He is in heaven now, and happy; or if not there, he bides in hell and is content; for in that place he will find neither abbot nor yet bishop.
Mark Twain
#55. After Hiram Bingham built the first church on Oahu the student recalls, When it was completed some of the natives said among themselves, 'That house of worship built by the haoles is a place in which they will pray us all to death. It is meant to kill us.
Sarah Vowell
#56. Be strong, believe in freedom and in God, love yourself, understand your sexuality, have a sense of humor, masturbate, don't judge people by their religion, color or sexual habits, love life and your family.
Madonna Ciccone
#57. Atticus "What's this religion going to be called?"
Oberon "Poochism"
A:"and the name of this holy writ I will be typing for you?"
O:"The dead flea scrolls: A Sirius Prophecy.
Kevin Hearne
#58. Imagination is evidence of the divine, and the divine is the imagination of evidence.
Erik Banks
#59. A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.
Ricky Gervais
#60. Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.
Jon Stewart
#61. The old, endless, approachable and always answering Sorrow," says my father Lucifer. "For who calls on me never goes unanswered. Only prayers to God go without answers.
Robert Nye
#62. Christians rejected the need for proof to support belief in God, yet dismissed proof altogether when it was there.
Kira Peikoff
#63. He gives very questioning sermons, Bazil. Sometimes I wonder if he's entirely stable, or then again, if he might be simply ... intelligent.
Louise Erdrich
#64. Cynicism is extremely contagious, and the most pious among us cannot long endure its potency. The gullible should be on their guard, however, since this endearing quality frequently masquerades as wit.
Mike Corbett
#65. But why have you dear English Jew whose forefathers fought to enter the country of Johnny Mill, the Stuart with a little heart, saunter in Haridwar, no pubs or fish and chips' counters here, only Ganga-Jal, -the holy ale- Quaff it for the spirit and carry it to the banks of Thames in a holy grail.
Aporva Kala
#66. Now, there are things I like just fine about church, and I don't just mean making money. The notion of getting together as a community to remind ourselves why we shouldn't behave like animals is a fucking great idea.
Nick Offerman
#67. Here's your first problem," he said, pointing at a sentence. "'Religion is the opium of the people.' Well, I don't know about people, but I think you'll find that the opium of pirates is actual opium.
Gideon Defoe
#69. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
"That's not my religion," Murray said. "My religion just says duck.
David F. Porteous
#71. Courage is just dreams with shoes on.
Reba Riley
#72. The arrogant man probably thought his path to heaven was already assured, and that he acted in accordance to God's will just by breathing.
Maya Banks
#73. If you're making love to a man of God, then God must endorse your lovemaking.
Eileen Pollack
#75. Well, I've almost got the problem licked. I'm eighty now, and in a few more years, I think I'll have it completely under control. (referring to his love of coffee)
J. Golden Kimball
#76. Don't let the devil hear you, minister, The devil has such good hearing he doesn't need things to be spoken out loud, Well, god help us then, There's no point asking him for help either, he was born stone-deaf.
Jose Saramago
#77. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
George Carlin
#78. God, come down, if you're really there -
Well, you're the one who claims to care!
Morrissey
#79. Father Paisii, as a priest of the Moldovan Metropolitan of Orthodox Church, refused to sing the requiem.
However, as a priest of the Bessarabian Metropolitan, which in no way at all recognized the authority of the Moldovan Metropolitan, Paisii performed it.
Vladimir Lorchenkov
#80. No quality imparts apparent strength to its possessors more effectively than faith. From hospital beds to battlefields, it is the iron that strengthens a man to confront his destiny.
Mike Corbett
#81. Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Fulton J. Sheen
#82. I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time.
She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.
Woody Allen
#84. I do not want chemistry to degenerate into a religion; I do not want the chemist to believe in the existence of atoms as the Christian believes in the existence of Christ in the communion wafer.
Marcellin Berthelot
#85. I don't ridicule religion, it ridicules itself.
Bill Maher
#86. The inhabitants of the earth are of two sorts: those with brains, but no religion, and those with religion, but no brains.
Al-Ma'arri
#88. Any civilization where the main symbol of religious veneration is a tool of execution is a bad place to have children.
Charles Stross
#89. Are there any religions on your list that include the slaughter of noblemen as a holy duty?
Brandon Sanderson
#90. Matty just rolled his eyes and walked over to his older brother. "Why is it when everyone thinks they're on their death bed, they suddenly find Jesus?"
Jayne shrugged and replied, "Because that's where he likes to hang out?
Nonjon
#91. I always like a dog so long as he isn't spelled backward.
G.K. Chesterton
#92. Banks are the temples of America. This is a holy war. Our economy is our religion.
Giannina Braschi
#93. Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.
Stephen Colbert
#94. New Rule: There's only one thing to say about the Christian Film and Television Commission giving me the Bigoted Bile Award and naming Religulous the number-one Most Unbearable Movie of 2008: Thank you! You hate me, you really hate me!
Bill Maher
#95. The Bible looks like it started out as a game of mad libs.
Bill Maher
#96. Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
Robert Frost
#97. Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.
Dave Barry
#98. I may not always walk the straight and narrow, but I sure in hell try to cross it as often as I can.
J. Golden Kimball
#99. A lot of people come up here and they thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn't help me a bit. If it was up to him, Cesar Millan would be up here with that damn dog. So all I can say is, 'suck it, Jesus! This award is my God now'!
Kathy Griffin
#100. I liked the humor of it, I've always enjoyed a sense of humor in God and in religion and in spirituality.
Amber Tamblyn
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