Quotes About Your A Joke

#1. Pretension is a poor joke that you play on yourself. Snap out of it. Recognise your strengths, work on your weaknesses. Real achievement is liking what you see in the mirror every morning.

Virat Kohli

#2. Never put a razor inside your nose - even as a joke.

Jake Johannsen

#3. They take away your options and all you can do is live, and it's just like Humble said: I'm not afraid of dying; I'm afraid of living. I was afraid before, but I'm afraid even more now that I'm a public joke.

Ned Vizzini

#4. If you can't joke about giant french ticklers and gas powered dildos in a fucking locker room then the terrorists win, E. Our freedoms are eroding. I'll pick up lube and condoms instead. Bring your hand. It's the only action you're getting.

Celia Aaron

#5. People are so stupid, that they repeat your words and said in other words and what??
(I'm stupid, so stupid that I want to repeat), I just heard that probably I have missunderstand something...
(NOte- It's joke a Get it?)

Deyth Banger

#6. Some comedians tell nice jokes that you can tell to your kids. Some use bad words - they work 'blue.' If you don't want to hear a joke that's blue, you shouldn't go to a comedy club where a comedian who makes blue jokes is performing.

Gilbert Gottfried

#7. Lucian's voice rang inside my head, loud and clear, "Move your ass, Elena, and no matter what, trust your reflexes." Relying on my clumsy butt was more like it. I'd made a joke, That was a good sign.

Adrienne Woods

#8. It's crazy because people expect you to be funny all the time and every day is not a funny day. I go to funerals and people are like 'tell a joke' and 'say one of your lines in a movie.' It's a funeral, man!

Chris Tucker

#9. I watch children a great deal; their idea is that rules are always negotiable, whereas you absolutely cannot joke at the airport about your toothpaste, and you cannot rollerblade in Grand Central Station. I keep running up against these things.

Natalie Jeremijenko

#10. Well," she said, "if I were the enemy commander, and our assault had failed three times, and I wanted to make a fourth, I don't think I'd attack with fewer men. But that's just me."
"Shut up, Loiosh."
"I beg your pardon?"
"Never mind. Private joke.

Steven Brust

#11. That line again. For Ian, a joke was not a single-use item but something you brought out again and again until it fell apart in your hands like a cheap umbrella.

David Nicholls

#12. Buffett and Munger joke that envy is the only one of the seven deadly sins that isn't any fun. "Envy is crazy," remarks Munger. "It's 100 percent destructive. . . . If you get those things out of your life early, life works a lot better.

Guy Spier

#13. I suspect that Jesus spoke many of his parables as a kind of sad and holy joke and that that may be part of why he seemed reluctant to explain them because if you have to explain a joke, you might as well save your breath.

Frederick Buechner

#14. In conversation, he came off as if he was enjoying a private joke at your expense. When he sang, though, he sounded as if he believed every word with all his heart. And it became hard to dislike him.

Sebastian Rotella

#15. [When] you're dying laughing because your three-year-old made a fart joke, it doesn't matter what else is going on. That's real happiness.

Gwyneth Paltrow

#16. I had a dog. Ex-wife took him, and the house."
Is that why you like country music?"
He eased himself our of the closet. "Huh?"
"Just a joke. Sorry about your dog.

Jeri Smith-Ready

#17. I never got to tell you so many things. Like how I wish I
could command a room like you. It's so impressive. Or how your eyes sparkle when you make a joke.
It's really pretty.

Kiera Cass

#18. If you were a country," I said, "what would your national anthem be?"
I meant a pre-existing song
"What a Wonderful World" or "Que Sera, Sera" or something to make it a joke, like "Hey Ya!" ("I would like, more than anything else, for my nation to be shaken like a Polaroid picture.")

David Levithan

#19. As a kid, Vix had had some warped idea that grownup meant having a job and living on your own. It meant no one could tell you what to eat, or what to wear, or how to behave. It meant that it was okay to have sex with guys. What a joke!

Judy Blume

#20. If you find you are not understanding my explaination for a joke, hit F5 on your browser and the page will refresh and I will explain it again.

Ryan North

#21. The winds," Jason said. "Father, can't you unleash the winds to send our ship back?" Zeus glowered. "I could slap you back to Long Island." "Um, was that a joke, or a threat, or - " "No," Zeus said, "I mean it quite literally. I could slap your ship back to Camp Half-Blood, but the force involved...

Rick Riordan

#22. Mothers, take time to be a real friend to your children. Listen to your children, really listen. Talk with them, laugh and joke with them, sing with them, cry with them, hug them, honestly praise them. Yes, regularly spend unused one-on-one time with each child. Be a real friend to your children.

Ezra Taft Benson

#23. You shouldn't be shy," he told her. "I'd give my soul for a glimpse of you without your clothes."
"Don't joke about that."
"About seeing you naked? I wasn't joking."
"Your soul," Helen said earnestly. "It's too important.

Lisa Kleypas

#24. I used to joke I was a point-and-click actor. My whole process has been about trusting your instincts and hitting your mark.

Daniel Radcliffe

#25. Oblonsy was fond of a pleasant joke, and sometimes liked to perplex a simple-minded man by observing that if you're going to be proud of your ancestry, why stop short at Prince Rurik and repudiate your oldest ancestor - the ape?

Leo Tolstoy

#26. There are a lot of comedic actors who are just out to be the funny one and get all the laughs and they'll sacrifice your joke, the scene, the story just to be the star. All they want is attention and to be number one. You can spot those guys from a mile away and they're the worst.

Jake M. Johnson

#27. Sometimes, magic is like that. It lands on your head like a piano, a stupid, ancient, unfunny joke, and you spend the rest of your life picking sharps and flats out of your hair.

Catherynne M Valente

#28. If you like the lovable sound of an asthma attack in your ear every time you tell a joke.

Kiera Cass

#29. Pity, I've learned, is like a fart. You can tolerate your own, but you simply can't stand anyone else's.

Jonathan Tropper

#30. You are where your brain is but not where a front-page headline is.

Santosh Kalwar

#31. People talk, 'Oh your father's a misogynist, look what he said about women,' like, on 'Howard Stern.' When he gets with Howard Stern, who's a friend of his, he'll joke around, because it's a comedy show. He's allowed to have a personality.

Donald Trump Jr.

#32. At first I had no skills in writing comedy. I didn't know what a joke was, but, as someone once told me, your emotions follow your intent. If you create the intention of starting a comedy act, slowly your mind starts adjusting and you arrive at a new emotional state.

Steve Martin

#33. Ringer, I don't want to burst your bubble, but - "
"You don't want to burst my bubble butt?"
"That sounded suspiciously like a joke.

Rick Yancey

#34. Here's a tip. If you touch a girl, even as joke, and she pushes you off, leave ... her ... alone. Don't touch her. Anywhere! Just stop. Your touch does nothing but sicken her.

Jay Asher

#35. In the India I was growing up in, history wasn't really a wise career option. People would joke and say, 'History's okay, but what's your actual job?' I didn't come from a privileged background and couldn't afford to be irresponsible, so I did the pragmatic thing and did a MBA.

Amish Tripathi

#36. If your master is surly, from getting up early
(And tempers are short in the morning),
An inopportune joke is enough to provoke
Him to give you, at once, a month's warning.

W.S. Gilbert

#37. A joke was not a single-use item but something you brought out again and again until it fell apart in your hand like a cheap umbrella.

David Nicholls

#38. Your skin is white, but I think the white god made a mistake, or maybe he did it on purpose to play a joke. He gave you an Apache heart.

Ellen O'Connell

#39. Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on you, go limp and soil yourself.

Mike Wilmot

#40. You can go your whole life and not need math or physics for a minute, but the ability to tell a joke is always handy.

Garrison Keillor

#41. My parents wanted their daughters to reach their full potential. I joke that they said, 'We left our homeland so you could pursue your dreams - as long as you're a lawyer, a doctor, or an engineer.'

Dina Powell

#42. There isn't a need to sugar coat life anymore,
Cant we see we live through enough lies, deciet and painful realities to create more, by stagnating the growth of the ones your suppose to make an Impact on and more importantly yourself.
Let life be funny, but never a joke.

Nikki Rowe

#43. Honey, Kate is not going to die sooner because you have one more glass of mine, or because you stay overnight in a hotel, or because you let yourself crack up at a bad joke. So sit your ass back down and turn up the volume and act like you're a normal person.

Jodi Picoult

#44. Left with an oncoming headache, went home, and that's verified, to his wife and six-month-old baby. He's three weeks into a big, fat raise and promotion. He doesn't fit for me."
"Lucky for Whistler, and likely his mother?"
"What? Why?"
"Weak joke. So back to your corporate trio.

J.D. Robb

#45. I make funny videos. I hate saying I'm a comedian because then people stick their finger in your face and demand you tell a joke. But the other thing people call me is 'a YouTube sensation,' which is even worse.

Katie Nolan

#46. So you'll be my bodyguard for any guys who want to introduce me to anal?' I joke.
'I will defend your virtue and your ass to the death,' he says with a knightly vow.

Bianca Giovanni

#47. A good joke provides tension, and then, release of that tension. You build the tension by saying things that are controversial. The release is the laugh. The bigger the surprise or insight in your joke, the bigger the laugh.

Greg Giraldo

#48. As I grow older, I become more and more of a Marxist - Groucho, that is. When you have lived two-thirds of your life, you know the value of a good joke.

Karen DeCrow

#49. I'm presuming, though, that breaking and entering isn't your intent, unless you bring a lawyer in tow, should you be caught." He pursed his lips. "That could be convenient.

Kelley Armstrong

#50. It seemed like a joke, how much all of these dudes looked alike, like living was so hard it just erased your features, rubbed out anything distinctive.

Gillian Flynn

#51. Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.

Emo Philips

#52. Howard, everything you've done in your life is wrong according to the stated ideals of mankind. And here you are. And somehow it seems a huge joke on the whole world.

Ayn Rand

#53. When you slip on a banana peel, people laugh at you; but when you tell people you slipped on a banana peel, it's your laugh. So you become the hero rather than the victim of the joke.

Nora Ephron

#54. Be prepared to cut your little extra lines that come after a big punchline and move on to the next joke or routine to give your set more punch and crispness. You can keep them in your set, but if the audience applauds your big line, don't do your tag when it dies down, just move on.

Franklyn Ajaye

#55. You can cause earthquakes?"
He sighed, a playful look in his eyes. "There's such a delicious joke there, but I'm going to be good and hold back. With the amount of sexual tension permeating these grounds, even a bad 'rock your world' line is liable to ignite something.

Elizabeth Hunter

#56. Is this your idea of a joke?" she whispered as Mr. Jenkins stood to begin that day's lesson. I pulled out my notebook and shook my head. "No joke. My plan is to win you back one physics problem at a time." Connor laughed. "Does this make me Jacob?

R.S. Grey

#57. When were you born?"
"Huh?" She scrunched up her nose at the sudden change in topic.
"Your sign?" He insisted.
She thought it must be a joke. Wasn't that a bad pickup line from the '70s?

Joannah Miley

#58. Is that another sort of joke?" asked the old man. "You've no excuse for being bored anywhere. When I was your age I had never heard of such a thing.

Henry James

#59. - I'm a Neuroscientist.
- What's that? What do you study?
- I study your brain!

Vardan Hambardzumyan

#60. It's funny that when the one person you live for is ripped out of your life you can still find a way to convince yourself it's for the best and that you will eventually get over it.
What a joke.

Cassia Leo

#61. God is always joking. Look at your own life - it is a joke! Look at other people's lives, and you will find jokes and jokes and jokes. Seriousness is illness; seriousness has nothing spiritual about it. Spirituality is laughter, spirituality is joy, spirituality is fun.

Rajneesh

#62. You can't do anything to be funny. That's cringeworthy. If your humor comes out of a place of love every time, you don't make the joke bigger than you. The funniest comedians are in touch with their emotional level.

John Krasinski

#63. She's you, without your conscience, or your feelings. She's you without your humanity."
"You're saying she's a mood swing?"
He shrugged. "Or maybe you're her mood swing."
"Don't even joke about that.

Derek Landy

#64. What if life is just a cosmic joke, like spiders in your underwear.

Jimmy Buffett

#65. You can't draw lines in the sand like that. Humour's a tsunami that doesn't care about your little lines.

S.A. Tawks

#66. The joke was thinking you were ever really in charge of your life. You pressed your oar down into the water to direct the canoe, but it was the current that shot you through the rapids. You just hung on and hoped not to hit a rock or a whirlpool.

Scott Turow

#67. I wouldn't want to be defined so much by comics or cartoons. My work is more narrative than that. If you take your basic cartoon, there's always a punchline or a joke at the end. My drawings don't depend on that so much.

Raymond Pettibon

#68. When someone pitches a joke for a character that is just perfect, and you can imagine that actor reading that line at your table read or on the set, it's like the sound of a snap snapping into place.

Michael Schur

#69. Don't have every dialog go in a straight line to solve the problem. Let your characters argue, be sarcastic, disagree or joke around.

Dan Alatorre

#70. Comedy and tragedy are basically the same thing. Comedy is just the art of making light of life's sufferings. Turning all your pain into a joke.

Katie Kacvinsky

#71. Never upstage a man. Don't top his joke, even if you have to bite your tongue to keep from doing it. Never launch loudly into your own opinions on a subject - whether it's petunias or politics. Instead, draw out his ideas to which you can gracefully add your footnotes from time to time.

Arlene Dahl

#72. You know where you can shove your joke. Just get me a new drink and try not to include and of your STD-laced body fluid in it this time.

Kim Harrington

#73. You do not respond to an attempt on your life with a slap on the hand. Or a joke.

Cinda Williams Chima

#74. I hop onto the stage and joke-sing: "The Phaaaanntom of the Opera is there, innnnnside your mind." I attack the curtain with a flourish and sing on, "innnnside your mind.

Anne Eliot

#75. I think it's important to have a good sense of humor and joke around with your kids. That's what I do a lot.

Stanley Tucci

#76. You go, well you can't joke about race. Well if you're from a different race and that's your experience of the world and you want to talk about that, then fine. Or you can't talk about disability, but disabled comics can talk about that.

Jimmy Carr

#77. Poles had a dark joke in 1944, about a bird which falls out of the sky into a cowpat, to be rescued by a cat; its moral, they said, was that Not everyone who gets you out of the shit is necessarily your friend.

Max Hastings

#78. You know the moment when fate plays a cruel joke on you, rips the rug out from beneath your feet and laughs at you after you've fallen flat on your hind end? This was like that moment.

Casey L. Bond

#79. Perhaps the way to succeed is to think of life on Earth as a colossal joke, a creation of such immense stupidity that the only way to live is to laugh until you think your heart will break.

Meg Rosoff

#80. I told a joke and people laughed and it was the best feeling. I knew I wanted to do this as a career. I never knew I could get such a high from telling a joke. There's something so extraordinary about having people listening to you and hanging onto your words - it's a great feeling.

Chris Tucker

#81. If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you have no regime.

Jon Stewart

#82. I've always been jealous of people who can tell stories really well in a room with a bunch of people. I've never been good at it because I'm not cocky enough to be like, "Okay, everyone, listen right now to this. I'm going to blow your minds with this joke."

Brendan Benson

#83. Any private security is a joke in a country where you're up against your own government.

Bidzina Ivanishvili

#84. The joke I wanted to put into one of the promos for this new season, was to have a guy come up to me and say, Hey! Tony! I love your show, I've watched you every night since you started! And then I'd say, Ah! You're the one!

Tony Danza

#85. A lot of people live with no apparent means of support. I kind of envy the musicians up there. You're down here, busting your ass in Hollywood, and it's like Lily Tomlin's joke about the rat race - all you prove in the end is that you're a rat.

Kurt Voss

#86. Walker grinned.
'Ah,' said Jesus. 'There it is. Signs of your holiness.'
'I just smiled. You made a dumb joke, and I smiled.'
'And that isn't holy?

Ron Koertge

#87. There is a joke that your hammer will always find nails to hit. I find that perfectly acceptable.

Benoit Mandelbrot

#88. You know what they're doing to your Constitution? They're making a joke out of your Constitution. Love's not in your court room. And God is not in your heart.

Charles Manson

#89. Why would you want to work for a living if you could just joke around? Being a celebrity expands your commercial possibilities.

Jerry Seinfeld

#90. Ahmed Sinai never forgave his son for breaking his toe. Even after the splint was removed, a tiny limp remained. My father leaned over my crib and said, "So, my son: you're starting as you mean to go on. Already you've started bashing your poor old father!" In my opinion, this was only half a joke.

Salman Rushdie

#91. (Finland is a famously introverted nation. Finnish joke: How can you tell if a Finn likes you? He's staring at your shoes instead of his own.)

Susan Cain

#92. Did you just make a joke, Tris? We should have you on painkillers more often if your going to start cracking jokes.

Veronica Roth

#93. You realize that as much as you want to socialize with the people on the set, or you want to, after a day shooting, joke around or whatever. Somehow, with playing Jesus, this doesn't happen. You actually need to decompress and be on your own and prepare on your own. It never happened to me before.

Juan Pablo Di Pace

#94. Cut out all these exclamation jokes. An explanation point is like laughing at your own joke. I'm going to delete you from my contacts if you keep sending solely emoji texts. You're a grown-ass man.

F Scott Fitzgerald

#95. Just hear me out. While you were napping, I was busy chatting up our allies. Didn't you know
your woman's a golden-tongued ambassador! My sisters always said I graduated from the shock-and-awe school of diplomacy, but joke 'em if they can't take a fuck, right?

Kresley Cole

#96. If you can't laugh at your life, then your life is a punchline in a bad joke.

Andrew Barger

#97. You're over there in the corner either thinking about the dead dog or whatever, you're bringing up your personal life and you need the space, and then somebody throws you a joke. Especially if it's an emotional scene, you don't want the joke.

Marcia Gay Harden

#98. Men love a joke - on the other fellow. But your really humorous woman loves a joke on herself.

Mary Roberts Rinehart

#99. When I started in television, it was brand new. It was the miracle over in the corner of your room. Now the audience has seen every story line. People have heard every joke. They can predict the plot almost before a show starts. That's a hard, sophisticated audience to reach.

Betty White

#100. You got to pay your dues to get the joke. Besides, laughter is cheap and very portable. If there's a pogrom, or they're blaming you for the plague, nothing is easier to pack than a sense of humor.

Lenny Bruce