No Toilet Paper Sayings

#1. Everyone had taken their places, when I excused myself to visit the bathroom, and there, in the toilet, was the absolute biggest turd I have ever seen in my life - no toilet paper or anything, just this long and coiled specimen, as thick as a burrito.

David Sedaris

#2. If you stay in a house and you go to the bathroom and there is no toilet paper, you can always slide down the banisters. Don't tell me you haven't done it.

Paul Merton

#3. But it has perks -- personal pride, financial security, and the feeling of accomplishment and control that comes when you just swap in a new toilet paper roll rather than resorting to fast-food napkins.

Kelly Williams Brown

#4. I couldn't help but notice no one was grabbing toilet paper. That would be the first thing I grabbed if I thought it was the end of the world

Jennifer L. Armentrout

#5. Most people die, living their life paycheck to paycheck,trying to stretch out each dollar, as like a roll of toilet paper. Toiling each tissue, never quite wiping away all the shit from their asses, where the world always takes what little they flush, back into its deprived system, always hungry.

Anthony Liccione

#6. The worst job in the whole world must be recycling toilet paper.

Chuck Palahniuk

#7. People don't think of their office as a workplace anymore. They think of it as a stationary store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home.

Jerry Seinfeld

#8. If we all had what we wanted to eat ... We'd have inflation in the toilet paper industry.

Jim Thompson

#9. Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper. Just how rapidly are we talking? 'Cause I don't want to have to play Beat the Clock in the thicket.

Bill Engvall

#10. The Persian rug served as their country. The brawnier toilet paper people opted to live in its jade green jungles while the more sensitive and reflective toilet paper people preferred hiding in its opal cream sky. They were so light. No one would ever be able to tell that they had lived there.

Cherry Tigris

#11. He spun out enough toilet paper to vandalize a house and carefully cleaned the seat.

Adam Rex

#12. Problems are like toilet paper. You pull on one and ten more come.

Woody Allen

#13. Art is borne out of necessity. Music is a tool and men are doers. When a relationship is working, you don't need to write a song-you need to get toilet paper.

Sxip Shirey

#14. A long white ribbon shot out of the crack in the wall. The ribbon just kept coming, weaving itself into some kind of shape next to Anubis, and my first thought was, My god, he's got a magic roll of toilet paper.

Rick Riordan

#15. Was she ever grumpy? Did she ever yell? Fall about laughing? Eat too much? Drink too much? Call out for someone to bring her toilet paper? Lose her car keys? Was she ever just a human being?

Liane Moriarty

#16. Eleanor fixated on all the small luxuries strewn and tucked around the house. Packs of cigarettes, newspapers, magazines ... Brand-name cereal and quilted toilet paper. His refrigerator was full of things you tossed into the cart without thinking about it just because they sounded good.

Rainbow Rowell

#17. Certain element - a few crazies - that don't have anything to do. They shot out two streetlights on Goodwinter Boulevard last night. When I was a kid we smashed pumpkins and strung trees with toilet paper on Halloween, but this new generation does it all year round.

Lilian Jackson Braun

#18. It took me over a couple of months to find the right piece of transparent paper for a section near the centre, on the right side of the Garden of Nebuchadnezzar. When I did find it, it was on a bottle of my wife's toilet water.

Harold Town

#19. I don't think many people understand what racism is. The intellectuals use it like toilet paper; it's something they can use. It's not something they live.

Mark Fuhrman

#20. I always said if I could figure out a way to grow Kleenex and toilet paper on trees, we could pull the plug on society.

Joel Salatin

#21. I suddenly realized that converting to white wouldn't be easy, but still, that toilet paper was like silk.

Eddie Huang

#22. You hear even a hint that a blizzard's coming, Roxanne Giselle, you go straight to the store and buy toilet paper, you hear me? And make a pot of chili or stew. Don't get caught out. I don't want a phone call saying you starved to death, stuck in the house with no stew.

Kristen Ashley

#23. You're the man who stands on the street corner with a roll of toilet paper, and written on each square are the words, 'I love you.' And each passer-by, no matter who, gets a square all his or her own. I don't want my square of toilet paper.'
I didn't realize it was toilet paper.

Kurt Vonnegut

#24. There was no glam squad, whatsoever. There were no dressing rooms. There were no bathrooms. Let's start at our base level. We didn't have toilet paper. We went to the woods to use the bathroom.

Katie Aselton

#25. Nothing reminds one of how shitty inequality is more often than the fact that there are companies who make and people who use 1-ply toilet papers.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

#26. Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.

Richard Jeni

#27. I don't know if he needs a tic tac or toilet paper.

Jerry Lawler

#28. European toilet paper is made from the same material that Americans use for roofing, which is why Europeans tend to remain standing throughout soccer matches.

Dave Barry

#29. Out of all the medical advancements in human history I'm still most in awe of that tiny little piece of toilet paper that can stop a gushing razor cut in its tracks.

Gregor Collins

#30. And I'd really appreciate it if you'd grow the hell up and stop walking around like the world crapped on your only roll of toilet paper. Because it's stupid,

Tahereh Mafi

#31. Her mother began to pick apart the toilet paper covering her gift. 'I suppose, she said brightly, 'we should be grateful this hasn't been used before as well!

Wendy Holden

#32. Let me tell you, people go on and on about what a great idea electricity was, but I'm going to put toilet paper right next to the wheel and say those are the best ideas anyone's ever had. Scoff at it if you will, but try living for two millennia without it and then we'll talk.

Kevin Hearne

#33. You've no idea how wonderful toilet paper is until it's taken away from you by an unfeeling universe. I think it's the defining characteristic of human civilization, the ability to manufacture something decent to wipe your ass on.

Peter F. Hamilton

#34. Cubans were getting a monthly ration of five pounds of rice, three pounds of beans, five eggs, one chicken, half a pound of coffee, milk for children up to age seven, one bar of soap, two rolls of toilet paper, three packs of cigarettes.

Tony Mendoza

#35. Some kid asked what a dilemma is. And I replied: When a starving man has to choose between a plate of food, and, a roll of toilet paper.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

#36. I'm like toilet paper, toothpaste and certain amenities - I'm proven to be good. I've still got 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 years left.

Shaquille O'Neal

#37. Leaders win through logistics. Vision, sure. Strategy, yes. But when you go to war, you need to have both toilet paper and bullets at the right place at the right time. In other words, you must win through superior logistics.

Tom Peters

#38. At the store, they have one-hundred-percent-recycled toilet paper," Marla says. "The worst job in the whole world must be recycling toilet paper." I

Chuck Palahniuk

#39. Life before toilet paper was not worth living.

Sherrilyn Kenyon

#40. France is the country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper.

Billy Wilder

#41. When you consider all the writers who never even had a machine. Who would have given an eyeball for a good typewriter. Any typewriter. All the ones who wrote on a matchbook covers. Paper bags. Toilet paper. Who had their writing destroyed by their jailers. Who persisted beyond all odds.

Sam Shepard

#42. Most of the time he [Marlon Brando] sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper.

Rex Reed

#43. As with marathon runs and lengths of toilet paper, there had to be standards to measure up to.

Haruki Murakami

#44. I made a stop, ducking into the supermarket to pick up milk, Diet Pepsi, bread, eggs, and toilet paper. I was into my siege mentality, looking forward to pulling up the drawbridge and waiting out the rain. With luck, I wouldn't have to go out for days.

Sue Grafton

#45. You can almost judge how screwed up somebody is by the kind of toilet paper they use. Go in any rich house and it's some weird coloured embossed stuff.

Captain Beefheart

#46. These were people who believed everything about the Soviet Union was perfect, but they were bringing their own toilet paper.

P. J. O'Rourke