Top 100 No Joke Quotes
#1. War is no joke, it seems. It destroys, kills, burns, separates, brings unhappiness.
Zlata Filipovic
#2. There was no joke I could make that was too offensive. I can actually remember at least one time where my mother told me something that, I was like, 'whoa!'
Seth MacFarlane
#4. Oh God. It's no joke. Oh God oh God. How can I keep on living?
Margaret Atwood
#6. But for me to have the opportunity to stand in front of a bunch of executives and present myself, I had to hustle in my own way. I can't tell you how frustrating it was that they didn't get that. No joke - I'd leave meetings crying all the time.
Kanye West
#7. I particularly scorn my fondness for paradox. I despise pessimism, narcissism, solipsism, truculence, word-play, and pusillanimity, my chiefer inclinations; loathe self-loathers ergo me; have no pity for self-pity and so am free of that sweet baseness. I doubt I am. Being me's no joke.
John Barth
#8. I come from a town of great musicians: Washington, D.C. It's no joke, that history.
Henry Rollins
#10. I love my babies so much that I could kiss them all day long..as a job. I could be a professional baby kisser. No joke.
Jessica Capshaw
#11. Then he walked in, the Great Mystery Man, now known as Cabe "Hawk" Delgado.
I'd fallen in love with him at first sight. No joke. He was hot but it wasn't lust. It was love.
Okay, it was part lust but it was mostly love.
Kristen Ashley
#12. I'm not the comedy police, but you watch a movie, and everyone's laughing, and then you shake it out, and you realize, 'There's no joke there!'
Maria Semple
#13. The brain process that results in a joke materializing where no joke was before remains a mystery. I'm not aware of any scholarly, scientific or neurological studies on the subject.
Dick Cavett
#15. The stuff about film being a collaborative medium is no joke.
Alex Gibney
#16. You've really got to start hitting the books because it's no joke out here.
Harper Lee
#17. Power is nothing without a rock solid core. Pilates is the key to activating it ... guys don't be fooled just 'cause women do it. It's no joke. Try it and you'll find out real quick.
DeMarcus Ware
#18. Okay. No joke, there is a talking, dancing, bright red, studded dildo on the screen. There are other ones that look like him, and I swear to God one is wearing a condom on his head. That's a kids' show?
Amber L. Johnson
#19. I love practical jokes and humor. That there's frankly no joke that I don't think is funny. I love practical jokes, but I don't like being scared.
Mitt Romney
#20. I massaged and trained in figure and facial exercises - although facial exercises are a lot of crap; the only effective one is cocksucking. No joke, there's nothing like it for firming the jawline.
Truman Capote
#21. I love doing theaters, cracking people up, hearing them physically roll in the aisles. But we need to get serious. These are serious times. No joke. No joke.
James Gandolfini
#22. I would kill to be on 'Dexter,' and I would double kill to be on 'True Blood.' I would pay them to let me come be a vampire or a vampire victim. No joke!
Callie Thorne
#23. She laughed when there was no joke. She danced when there was no music.
She had no friends, yet she was the friendliest person in school.
Jerry Spinelli
#24. I need your help. I am injured, near death, and too weak to hike out of here. I am all alone. This is no joke. In the name of God, please remain to save me. I am out collecting berries close by and shall return this evening. Thank you, Chris McCandless.
Christopher McCandless
#26. My work is a matter of fundamental sounds (no joke intended) made as fully as possible, and I accept responsibility for nothing else. If people want to have headaches among the overtones, let them. And provide their own aspirin.
Samuel Beckett
#27. I tell you it's no joke to paint a portrait. I wonder that I am not more timid when I begin. I feel almost certain that I can do it. It seems very simple. I don't think of the time that is sure to come when I almost despair, when the whole thing seems hopeless.
William Morris Hunt
#28. I have been sober for the longest time. Oh, it's over a decade now. No joke.
Dana Plato
#29. Athletes rejected, governors corrected
Gangsters, thugs and smugglers are thoroughly respected
The money gets divided
The women get excited
Now I'm broke and it's no joke
It's hard as hell to fight it, don't buy it!
Grandmaster Flash
#30. Work very very hard. This business is no joke. Make sure you know what you want or you might be taking someone else's view instead of your own.
Zoe Cassavetes
#31. Azdaha were no joke ... Not much is known about this dragon [the aforementioned Gandarw], except that he apparently had yellow heels. I wonder why that was such an important detail. I mean if I were describing Godzilla, the color of his heels wouldn't be the first thing I would mention.
Ilona Andrews
#32. When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a civil engineer. No joke. I would come home from school and build bridges out of toothpicks and see how much weight they would hold before falling.
Bitsie Tulloch
#34. It's no joke," he insisted. "Something's wrong with this whole place. You seen how pale they all are - it ain't natural." "That's just how folks look in England.
Jonathan Auxier
#35. Playing quarterback ... it's no joke ... The difference here with Johnny Manziel, there's a lot of style and very little substance.
Boomer Esiason
#36. Is this your idea of a joke?" she whispered as Mr. Jenkins stood to begin that day's lesson. I pulled out my notebook and shook my head. "No joke. My plan is to win you back one physics problem at a time." Connor laughed. "Does this make me Jacob?
R.S. Grey
#37. Under the ground, in Munich, Germany, two people stood and spoke in a basement. It sounds like the beginning of a joke:
'There's a Jew and a German standing in a basement, right?...'
This, however, was no joke.
Markus Zusak
#38. I've been burn when it comes to my hair that it ain't no joke.
Jenifer Lewis
#39. He's managed to make himself something highly unusual for a man at this stage of his career: unclassifiable. Unpredictable. Tom Jones is no joke
Ken Tucker
#40. Without warning, he tossed a bottle of water at me, which I caught. "Nope, no joke. Now I've got to get some beauty sleep, and based on the way you look, you could use a little yourself.
Angela McPherson
#41. Animal experiments are no joke. Thank goodness scientists are finding better, more humane ways to develop treatments for cancer and other killer diseases.
Carol Leifer
#42. S.O.S. I NEED YOUR HELP. I AM INJURED, NEAR DEATH, AND TOO WEAK TO HIKE OUT OF HERE. I AM ALL ALONE, THIS IS NO JOKE. IN THE NAME OF GOD, PLEASE REMAIN TO SAVE ME. I AM OUT COLLECTING BERRIES CLOSE BY AND SHALL RETURN THIS EVENING. THANK YOU, CHRIS MCCANDLESS. AUGUST?
Jon Krakauer
#43. Don't kid yourself. Global warming is no joke. Here's how serious global warming has gotten to be in the United States. In this country global warming is so bad, we are now actually starting to warm up to Barry Bonds.
David Letterman
#44. I ain't no joke, I used to let the mic smoke,
Now I slam it when I'm done and make sure it's broke.
Rakim
#45. I'm obsessed with coffee. My doctor says if I don't cut back, I am going to permanently damage my esophagus. No joke.
Matthew Gray Gubler
#46. In this funny debut, flashy Filipino fashion designer Boy Hernandez sees his American dream become a nightmare when he's ensnared in a terrorist plot and shipped to Guantanamo. Gilvarry nails the couture scene, but Boy's rough journey from Manolo to Gitmo is no joke.
Andrew Abrahams
#47. When I came back to America, I realized that world music is no joke, it really has a lot to it.
Zach Condon
#48. Imagination is no Joke, But a Wish
Jan Jansen
#49. I just want you to know that it makes me feel like shit to do this." "And Jonah paused," Michael told me. "And then he said to me, no joke, he said, 'You know, I really don't care how you feel.'" Michael shook his head. "It was icy.
Jon Ronson
#50. Stewardesses were a joke to many of us coming of age in the liberated Sixties. They were no joke in the women's movement that liberated us, however.
Cathleen Schine
#51. To me, music is no joke and it's not for sale.
Ian MacKaye
#52. My chicken ain't no joke. I ain't scared to go up against the Colonel, tastewise.
Flavor Flav
#53. I have an airplane hangar with 17 cars in it. That's no joke. I have a 'half pipe' in there, too - you know, like a big ramp, where I skateboard. It's awesome. It's the ultimate fantasy.
Paul Walker
#54. I've always been into leopard print. No joke, when I was 14 years old I wanted my entire room to be covered in it.
Kim Kardashian
#55. I joke, mademoiselle," he said, "and I laugh. But there are some things that are no joke. There are things that my profession has taught me. And one of these things, the most terrible thing, is this: murder is a habit ...
Agatha Christie
#56. But giving drugs to a cat is no joke, Kemp!
H.G.Wells
#57. Don't mind us, Shay." Mason flashed him a smile. "We're just a bunch of wild animals.
"No joke." Dax flexed his arms.
Andrea Cremer
#58. Life is funny, baby, and that's no joke
Rachel Cohn
#59. I feel like you can share as many jokes as you want to because no joke you do on Twitter is ever gonna be so big on Twitter, for the most part, that you can't say it on stage that same night.
W. Kamau Bell
#60. It is not a sin to be seventy but it is also no joke.
Golda Meir
#61. That's what happens with most comedies. If you watch 10 minutes and there's no joke, then you're disappointed because you're expecting jokes. The same goes for emotional movies. You have to feel something. If you don't feel anything for 10 minutes, you get bored.
Quentin Dupieux
#62. .Clumsy jesting is no joke.
Aesop
#63. She could admit to herself that she'd been distant and probably acting stranger by the days, but what Rick had done to her was no joke.
Tiece
#64. Even in my revenge fantasy where all I do is exercise, I can still do only twenty-five pull-ups. Pull-ups are tough, no joke.
Mindy Kaling
#65. Hour-long TV is no joke. It tests you as a human being. It makes you a stronger person, but it's really crazy.
Rebecca Romijn
#67. I don't like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely surprising, then that's their shock. But there is no joke without surprise.
George Carlin
#68. Yes, we were amazed when that happened. It was a real joke to us. Konrad Lueg and I did a Happening, and we used the phrase just for the Happening, to have a catchy name for it; and then it immediately got taken up and brought into use. There's no defence against that - and really it's no bad thing.
Gerhard Richter
#69. People think I'm selling feminism in my books, but what I'm really doing is writing advertising copy for expensive private colleges that most women can't afford anyway. Oh, and try to find a job with a major in English literature. No luck? Joke's on you, sucker!
Mary Gordon
#70. I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.
Anthony Jeselnik
#71. I joke, but only half joke, that if you show up in an American hospital missing a finger, no one will believe you until they get a CAT scan, MRI and orthopedic consult.
Abraham Verghese
#72. What was the future? The future was a solid wall, not promising, not threatening - all bunk. No guarantees of anything, not even the guarantee that life isn't one big joke.
Bob Dylan
#73. Homework's hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, 'Okay.' And then I sit down and they say, 'It's math.' 'No! Not math! English, history, anything!'
Angelina Jolie
#74. Some two thousand stone-throwing protesters gathered in the street outside the school. They chanted, "We want fairness. There is no fairness if you don't let us cheat." It sounds like a joke, but they were absolutely serious.
Cathy O'Neil
#75. In all the commotion, no one noticed that Minubar was missing or that Tanner, cynical and thrill- seeking, quick to crack and joke or start a fight, who had befriended Sevara at an early age and protected her until the last, was dead.
Damian Wampler
#76. No way this could be seen as probable or possible, unless you think of a blow between the eyes, a sudden calamity. The stroke of fate that leaves a man a cripple, the wicked joke that turns clear eyes into blind stones.
Alice Munro
#77. No, that part's not true! That's a joke-lie. I'm not going to lie to you in this story because I want you to know that the rest of it is true.
Tina Fey
#78. I joke, but I only half joke, that if you come to one of our hospitals missing a limb, no one will believe you till they get a CAT scan, MRI, or orthopedic consult.
Abraham Verghese
#79. There is no reason for believing that any sort of gods exist, and quite good reasons for believing that they do not exist and never have. It has all been a gigantic waste of time and a waste of life. It would be a joke of cosmic proportions if it weren't so tragic.
Richard Dawkins
#80. If you write a novel where war is nothing but hell and no one experiences excitement or cracks a dark joke, then you're not actually admitting the full experience.
Phil Klay
#81. Did I have a heart to be contented? Well, no, not particularly. I had a tendency to be discontented: ambitious, dissatisfied, fretful, and tough to please ... It's easier to complain than to laugh, easier to yell than to joke around, easier to be demanding than to be satisfied.
Gretchen Rubin
#82. Lucian's voice rang inside my head, loud and clear, "Move your ass, Elena, and no matter what, trust your reflexes." Relying on my clumsy butt was more like it. I'd made a joke, That was a good sign.
Adrienne Woods
#83. And it's Gryffindor in possession again, as Johnson takes the Quaffle - Flint alongside her - poke him in the eye, Angelina! - it was a joke, Professor, it was a joke - oh no - Flint in possession, Flint flying toward the Gryffindor goal posts, come on now, Wood, save - !
J.K. Rowling
#84. We associate the North Atlantic with cod. The motto of Newfoundland used to be 'In cod we trust.' It was a joke, but it was essentially true. But there is no cod anymore. And that's extraordinary. It's all because of either greed or politics - Canadian politics.
Simon Winchester
#85. We all joke about Congress but we can't improve on them. Have you noticed that no matter who we elect, he is just as bad as the one he replaces?
Will Rogers
#86. It was only a joke, Mia," says Bree gently. "Of course I do not wish that. No one really wishes to be queen.
Kendare Blake
#87. What 'SNL' taught me that was useful on 'The Watch' was, only put in bad words if they can get a laugh - there was no need for swear words and beeps in places that weren't necessary. Those beeps should only be in there when they mean something and it's important to the joke.
Akiva Schaffer
#88. I had no job at the time and was living off the cruel joke I referred to as my savings.
David Sedaris
#89. Lila had no particular notion of what the word 'married' meant, except that there was an endless, pleasant joke between them that excluded everybody else and that all the rest of them were welcome to admire.
Marilynne Robinson
#90. She'd stood by that creed. No softness, because the world wasn't soft; lots of laughter, because if you were in on the joke, the joke couldn't be on you; And no wanting what you couldn't take, because the world never gave.
Or so she'd thought.
Connie Brockway
#91. Once I knew what I was doing
I was there and with it;
I had the total knowing.
I Googled God and orgasmed
At the amount of Gods and
Monsters out there posted about.
Initially NO
#92. You're a hard negotiator, Ray-Baby."
"I'm going to get a lot harder if you call me that again."
"Give me a minute. Less than a minute. I'm almost certain I can make a filthy joke in response to that."
"No", I told him. "No, for the love of God, don't.
Cherie Priest
#93. The truth is always an insult or a joke, lies are generally tastier. We love them. The nature of lies is to please. Truth has no concern for anyone's comfort
Katherine Dunn
#94. As a kid, Vix had had some warped idea that grownup meant having a job and living on your own. It meant no one could tell you what to eat, or what to wear, or how to behave. It meant that it was okay to have sex with guys. What a joke!
Judy Blume
#95. No doubt he was smiling. He smiled a lot, as if the world were a secret joke that only he was clever enough to understand.
George R R Martin
#96. When I'm concentrating, I can be fixed in place for hours. In fact, there was a joke in my office that everybody would come and chat outside my door because they knew - no matter how loud they talked - if I was concentrating, it would not disturb me at all.
Sonia Sotomayor
#97. The winds," Jason said. "Father, can't you unleash the winds to send our ship back?" Zeus glowered. "I could slap you back to Long Island." "Um, was that a joke, or a threat, or - " "No," Zeus said, "I mean it quite literally. I could slap your ship back to Camp Half-Blood, but the force involved...
Rick Riordan
#98. Ah, Signor Halt,' he said uncertainly, 'you are making a joke, yes?'
'He is making a joke, no,' Will said. 'But he likes to think he is making a joke, yes.
John Flanagan
#99. Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the sex: "Girls girls, ooo". Naturally you want to look your best, and God says "No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!"
Eddie Izzard
#100. Don't you watch any cop shows?" Logan asked. "You're supposed to wait until I've made sure there are no guys with submachine guns and machetes waiting in the shadows."
"Was that a joke?" Zak asked
Barbara Elsborg
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