Top 100 No Joke Quotes
#1. War is no joke, it seems. It destroys, kills, burns, separates, brings unhappiness.
Zlata Filipovic
#2. Yes, we were amazed when that happened. It was a real joke to us. Konrad Lueg and I did a Happening, and we used the phrase just for the Happening, to have a catchy name for it; and then it immediately got taken up and brought into use. There's no defence against that - and really it's no bad thing.
Gerhard Richter
#3. People think I'm selling feminism in my books, but what I'm really doing is writing advertising copy for expensive private colleges that most women can't afford anyway. Oh, and try to find a job with a major in English literature. No luck? Joke's on you, sucker!
Mary Gordon
#4. I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.
Anthony Jeselnik
#5. There was no joke I could make that was too offensive. I can actually remember at least one time where my mother told me something that, I was like, 'whoa!'
Seth MacFarlane
#6. I joke, but only half joke, that if you show up in an American hospital missing a finger, no one will believe you until they get a CAT scan, MRI and orthopedic consult.
Abraham Verghese
#7. What was the future? The future was a solid wall, not promising, not threatening - all bunk. No guarantees of anything, not even the guarantee that life isn't one big joke.
Bob Dylan
#8. Homework's hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, 'Okay.' And then I sit down and they say, 'It's math.' 'No! Not math! English, history, anything!'
Angelina Jolie
#10. Some two thousand stone-throwing protesters gathered in the street outside the school. They chanted, "We want fairness. There is no fairness if you don't let us cheat." It sounds like a joke, but they were absolutely serious.
Cathy O'Neil
#11. In all the commotion, no one noticed that Minubar was missing or that Tanner, cynical and thrill- seeking, quick to crack and joke or start a fight, who had befriended Sevara at an early age and protected her until the last, was dead.
Damian Wampler
#12. Oh God. It's no joke. Oh God oh God. How can I keep on living?
Margaret Atwood
#14. But for me to have the opportunity to stand in front of a bunch of executives and present myself, I had to hustle in my own way. I can't tell you how frustrating it was that they didn't get that. No joke - I'd leave meetings crying all the time.
Kanye West
#15. No way this could be seen as probable or possible, unless you think of a blow between the eyes, a sudden calamity. The stroke of fate that leaves a man a cripple, the wicked joke that turns clear eyes into blind stones.
Alice Munro
#16. No, that part's not true! That's a joke-lie. I'm not going to lie to you in this story because I want you to know that the rest of it is true.
Tina Fey
#17. I particularly scorn my fondness for paradox. I despise pessimism, narcissism, solipsism, truculence, word-play, and pusillanimity, my chiefer inclinations; loathe self-loathers ergo me; have no pity for self-pity and so am free of that sweet baseness. I doubt I am. Being me's no joke.
John Barth
#18. I joke, but I only half joke, that if you come to one of our hospitals missing a limb, no one will believe you till they get a CAT scan, MRI, or orthopedic consult.
Abraham Verghese
#19. There is no reason for believing that any sort of gods exist, and quite good reasons for believing that they do not exist and never have. It has all been a gigantic waste of time and a waste of life. It would be a joke of cosmic proportions if it weren't so tragic.
Richard Dawkins
#20. If you write a novel where war is nothing but hell and no one experiences excitement or cracks a dark joke, then you're not actually admitting the full experience.
Phil Klay
#21. I come from a town of great musicians: Washington, D.C. It's no joke, that history.
Henry Rollins
#22. Did I have a heart to be contented? Well, no, not particularly. I had a tendency to be discontented: ambitious, dissatisfied, fretful, and tough to please ... It's easier to complain than to laugh, easier to yell than to joke around, easier to be demanding than to be satisfied.
Gretchen Rubin
#23. Lucian's voice rang inside my head, loud and clear, "Move your ass, Elena, and no matter what, trust your reflexes." Relying on my clumsy butt was more like it. I'd made a joke, That was a good sign.
Adrienne Woods
#24. And it's Gryffindor in possession again, as Johnson takes the Quaffle - Flint alongside her - poke him in the eye, Angelina! - it was a joke, Professor, it was a joke - oh no - Flint in possession, Flint flying toward the Gryffindor goal posts, come on now, Wood, save - !
J.K. Rowling
#25. We associate the North Atlantic with cod. The motto of Newfoundland used to be 'In cod we trust.' It was a joke, but it was essentially true. But there is no cod anymore. And that's extraordinary. It's all because of either greed or politics - Canadian politics.
Simon Winchester
#27. We all joke about Congress but we can't improve on them. Have you noticed that no matter who we elect, he is just as bad as the one he replaces?
Will Rogers
#28. I love my babies so much that I could kiss them all day long..as a job. I could be a professional baby kisser. No joke.
Jessica Capshaw
#29. It was only a joke, Mia," says Bree gently. "Of course I do not wish that. No one really wishes to be queen.
Kendare Blake
#30. What 'SNL' taught me that was useful on 'The Watch' was, only put in bad words if they can get a laugh - there was no need for swear words and beeps in places that weren't necessary. Those beeps should only be in there when they mean something and it's important to the joke.
Akiva Schaffer
#31. Then he walked in, the Great Mystery Man, now known as Cabe "Hawk" Delgado.
I'd fallen in love with him at first sight. No joke. He was hot but it wasn't lust. It was love.
Okay, it was part lust but it was mostly love.
Kristen Ashley
#32. I had no job at the time and was living off the cruel joke I referred to as my savings.
David Sedaris
#33. I'm not the comedy police, but you watch a movie, and everyone's laughing, and then you shake it out, and you realize, 'There's no joke there!'
Maria Semple
#34. Lila had no particular notion of what the word 'married' meant, except that there was an endless, pleasant joke between them that excluded everybody else and that all the rest of them were welcome to admire.
Marilynne Robinson
#35. The brain process that results in a joke materializing where no joke was before remains a mystery. I'm not aware of any scholarly, scientific or neurological studies on the subject.
Dick Cavett
#36. She'd stood by that creed. No softness, because the world wasn't soft; lots of laughter, because if you were in on the joke, the joke couldn't be on you; And no wanting what you couldn't take, because the world never gave.
Or so she'd thought.
Connie Brockway
#37. Once I knew what I was doing
I was there and with it;
I had the total knowing.
I Googled God and orgasmed
At the amount of Gods and
Monsters out there posted about.
Initially NO
#38. You're a hard negotiator, Ray-Baby."
"I'm going to get a lot harder if you call me that again."
"Give me a minute. Less than a minute. I'm almost certain I can make a filthy joke in response to that."
"No", I told him. "No, for the love of God, don't.
Cherie Priest
#39. The truth is always an insult or a joke, lies are generally tastier. We love them. The nature of lies is to please. Truth has no concern for anyone's comfort
Katherine Dunn
#40. As a kid, Vix had had some warped idea that grownup meant having a job and living on your own. It meant no one could tell you what to eat, or what to wear, or how to behave. It meant that it was okay to have sex with guys. What a joke!
Judy Blume
#41. No doubt he was smiling. He smiled a lot, as if the world were a secret joke that only he was clever enough to understand.
George R R Martin
#42. When I'm concentrating, I can be fixed in place for hours. In fact, there was a joke in my office that everybody would come and chat outside my door because they knew - no matter how loud they talked - if I was concentrating, it would not disturb me at all.
Sonia Sotomayor
#43. The winds," Jason said. "Father, can't you unleash the winds to send our ship back?" Zeus glowered. "I could slap you back to Long Island." "Um, was that a joke, or a threat, or - " "No," Zeus said, "I mean it quite literally. I could slap your ship back to Camp Half-Blood, but the force involved...
Rick Riordan
#44. Ah, Signor Halt,' he said uncertainly, 'you are making a joke, yes?'
'He is making a joke, no,' Will said. 'But he likes to think he is making a joke, yes.
John Flanagan
#45. Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the sex: "Girls girls, ooo". Naturally you want to look your best, and God says "No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!"
Eddie Izzard
#46. Don't you watch any cop shows?" Logan asked. "You're supposed to wait until I've made sure there are no guys with submachine guns and machetes waiting in the shadows."
"Was that a joke?" Zak asked
Barbara Elsborg
#47. I did not survive everything. No one ever does. Little pieces of you - sometimes the best of you - get lost in a little lie here, a little joke there. And of course, the aftereffect is the tiny sob - unseen, unheard, deeply felt.
Carol Grace
#49. But if you were Charlotte, and you had been feeling that life was some cosmic joke that had no punchline, and in the space of a moment you had gone from being Charlotte-without-a-kitten to being Charlotte-with-a-kitten, you too would have found it nothing short of remarkable.
Anne Ursu
#50. No comedy should be longer than 90 minutes. There's no such thing as a good long joke.
John Waters
#51. The stuff about film being a collaborative medium is no joke.
Alex Gibney
#52. I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.
Mitch Hedberg
#53. You've really got to start hitting the books because it's no joke out here.
Harper Lee
#54. Power is nothing without a rock solid core. Pilates is the key to activating it ... guys don't be fooled just 'cause women do it. It's no joke. Try it and you'll find out real quick.
DeMarcus Ware
#55. There used to be an old bad joke. I hope it's not so much a good joke anymore. 'Everybody's from Scranton; no one's in Scranton.'
Joe Biden
#56. Seriousness is an accident of time. It consists of putting too high a value on time. In eternity there is no time. Eternity is a moment, just long enough for a joke
Hermann Hesse
#57. Okay. No joke, there is a talking, dancing, bright red, studded dildo on the screen. There are other ones that look like him, and I swear to God one is wearing a condom on his head. That's a kids' show?
Amber L. Johnson
#58. At first I had no skills in writing comedy. I didn't know what a joke was, but, as someone once told me, your emotions follow your intent. If you create the intention of starting a comedy act, slowly your mind starts adjusting and you arrive at a new emotional state.
Steve Martin
#59. I have a no-apology policy. No apologies for jokes. I apologize in my real life all the time. I say ridiculous things, I make mistakes constantly. But when I'm on stage, I'm at a microphone ... it's a joke!
Kathy Griffin
#60. I love practical jokes and humor. That there's frankly no joke that I don't think is funny. I love practical jokes, but I don't like being scared.
Mitt Romney
#61. I massaged and trained in figure and facial exercises - although facial exercises are a lot of crap; the only effective one is cocksucking. No joke, there's nothing like it for firming the jawline.
Truman Capote
#62. I love doing theaters, cracking people up, hearing them physically roll in the aisles. But we need to get serious. These are serious times. No joke. No joke.
James Gandolfini
#63. I always laugh the hardest at the stuff you see in day-to-day life. It's great when somebody can tell a joke that really makes you laugh hard, but to see some kind of personal interaction that no one could write is so good. Those are always the things that make me laugh.
Luke Wilson
#64. I would kill to be on 'Dexter,' and I would double kill to be on 'True Blood.' I would pay them to let me come be a vampire or a vampire victim. No joke!
Callie Thorne
#65. Naturally Teseo had a joke about all the government promises to increase housing construction: "If there were no future tense in Spanish, Castro would be speechless.
Regina Anavy
#66. She laughed when there was no joke. She danced when there was no music.
She had no friends, yet she was the friendliest person in school.
Jerry Spinelli
#67. When in doubt, poke the beehive with a stick to see if anything interesting flies out.
I clapped my hands. 'I had no idea Pit teams had such pretty cheerleaders. Can you do it again, but with more spirit this time?
Ilona Andrews
#68. No matter where they are or who they're with, dogs are incapable of being anything but themselves. Show me a dog that puts on airs or laughs politely at an unfunny joke and I'll show you a human in a dog costume, possibly one owned and licensed by the Walt Disney Company.
Meghan Daum
#69. Oh, no-" They weren't even on the runway, and Jonah's father was already immersed in his BlackBerry. "Remember those 'Live Large with the Wiz Generation' posters? Well, guess how that translates into Chinese- 'Jonah Wizard Makes Your Ancestors Fat'.
Gordon Korman
#70. Jokes? There are no jokes. The truth is the funniest joke of all.
Muhammad Ali
#71. I need your help. I am injured, near death, and too weak to hike out of here. I am all alone. This is no joke. In the name of God, please remain to save me. I am out collecting berries close by and shall return this evening. Thank you, Chris McCandless.
Christopher McCandless
#73. No horse jokes," he said.
"My lord, I apologize for the horse joke. If you put down the book
unharmed!
I will give you a carrot."
He brandished the book at her. "Was that a horse joke?"
"Neigh."
"Was that a horse joke?
Cynthia Hand
#74. You know what they call a sociopath with a conscience?"
It sounded like the setup to a joke so Elle took the bait. "No, what do they call a sociopath with a conscience?"
"They call her 'Mistress'.
Tiffany Reisz
#75. In Japan, you have no idea what they are saying, and they can't help you either. Nothing makes any sense. They're very polite, but you feel like a joke is being played on you the entire time you're there.
Bill Murray
#76. What happened when the Verb asked the noun to conjugate? She said "no-no!", forgot the "o" and decided to become a nun!
Ana Claudia Antunes
#77. My work is a matter of fundamental sounds (no joke intended) made as fully as possible, and I accept responsibility for nothing else. If people want to have headaches among the overtones, let them. And provide their own aspirin.
Samuel Beckett
#78. Be not affronted at a joke. If one throw salt at thee, thou wilt receive no harm, unless thou art raw.
Oliver Goldsmith
#79. You have this maddening little smile sometimes, like you've just thought of something incredibly witty but are afraid to say it in case no one gets the joke.
Robyn Schneider
#80. I think we're the only jokeless show on television. I mean really, we have no setups and no punch lines. It's not a joke show. There are funny lines and funny moments but again the comedy is born of the human experience and awkward pauses are a great part of what it is to be human.
Rainn Wilson
#81. I tell you it's no joke to paint a portrait. I wonder that I am not more timid when I begin. I feel almost certain that I can do it. It seems very simple. I don't think of the time that is sure to come when I almost despair, when the whole thing seems hopeless.
William Morris Hunt
#82. I realized how badly I wanted to make a joke to Dex about it. We had been the Ghostbusters. Now there was no Experiment in Terror and no Dex.
Karina Halle
#83. I have been sober for the longest time. Oh, it's over a decade now. No joke.
Dana Plato
#84. No one is more himself than the moment when he's laughing at a joke. It's at those moments that people's defenses go down, and that's when you can slip in a good idea.
George Carlin
#85. Look at you making a joke! You're funny. No wonder Carmine fell in love with you.
J.M. Darhower
#86. In eternity there is no time, only an instant long enough for a joke.
Hermann Hesse
#87. No fear. Now is for laughing. The truth is a joke and they're good in Supply.
Hugh Howey
#88. In our state - no kidding - they are called Standards of Learning, or "SOLs." (I don't think anyone intended the joke.)
Barbara Kingsolver
#89. Athletes rejected, governors corrected
Gangsters, thugs and smugglers are thoroughly respected
The money gets divided
The women get excited
Now I'm broke and it's no joke
It's hard as hell to fight it, don't buy it!
Grandmaster Flash
#90. My favorite show tune has got to be Stephen Sondheim's "I Remember Sky." It's probably the saddest song of all time I sing it to myself in the mirror. No, I am kidding. That's the joke.
Laura Benanti
#91. Work very very hard. This business is no joke. Make sure you know what you want or you might be taking someone else's view instead of your own.
Zoe Cassavetes
#92. No, no. I have been practicing ... I bowled a 129. It's like
it was like Special Olympics, or something."
making an off-hand joke during an appearance on "The Tonight Show", March 19, 2009
Barack Obama
#93. I hear Dylan rummaging around in the cupboards. "You want a jelly doughnut?It's the only breakfast food I've got."
"No time!I'll just snort the powdered sugar off the top."
"Bad joke, considering who I used to go out with.
Ann Redisch Stampler
#94. The humanists' replacement for religion: work really hard and somehow you'll either save yourself or you'll be immortal. Of course, that's a total joke, and our progress is nothing. There may be progress in technology but there's no ethical progress whatsoever.
David Bowie
#95. I was told this comment was only a "joke." Hell to the no. I don't care how chummy we are, you don't get to be racist in the name of comedy. There's nothing funny about reducing me to the damaging stereotypes that have stuck around for centuries.
Phoebe Robinson
#96. The subconscious mind has no sense of humor and people often joke themselves into unhappy experiences.
Florence Scovel Shinn
#97. I would go down to the kitchen, saying 'How do you do?' to whoever I met there: ... 'How are you, Mrs. Cakebread?' (That was the cook: that really was her name, it wasn't a joke and no-one laughed it it.)
Sarah Waters
#98. I am so happy that I married a comedy writer. He's never not without a joke. No matter where we are.
Christa Miller
#99. There is no reason why a joke should not be appreciated more than once. Imagine how little good music there would be if, for example, a conductor refused to play Beethoven's Fifth Symphony on the ground that his audience might have heard it before.
A.P. Herbert
#100. Yeah, go ahead and get the forbidden garden comment out of your system. And no matter what witty snake joke you're considering? Trust me, I've heard it.
Leah Clifford
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