Top 100 Most Humorous Quotes: Famous Quotes & Sayings About Most Humorous

#1. Oh, death in space was most humorous.

#2. Get your mind unbound and free; and then from the loosest, highest, best place you have, with the fastest and most humorous mind you can get together, you can reach out and make a try at understanding Spirit.

Stephen Gaskin

#3. But it is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, which, by often rumination, wraps me in the most humorous sadness.

William Shakespeare

#4. Everything that has calories in my kitchen is my favorite

G.A. McKevett

#5. Madam, I have just come from a country where people are hanged if they talk.

Leonhard Euler

#6. He [Iggy] started reaching for things around the table, and his hand landed on Total. "You're black."
"I prefer canine-American," said Total.

James Patterson

#7. I guess the breakfast burritos are going to have some extra protein in the morning.

Jon S. Lewis

#8. I give him a skeptical look. "You want to show me your dick?"
"If it'll help convince you." He drains the last drops of his Scotch and stands up. "Come on, let's go.

Kendall Ryan

#9. The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a remarkable Christian forebearance among men.

Ambrose Bierce

#10. Two things never mix: one is enchantments and the other is meddling with them.

Lloyd Alexander

#11. The help (in Japan) is very polite. They bow so much, you don't know which end to talk to.

Bob Hope

#12. John Connally's conversion to the GOP raised the intellectual level of both parties.

Frank Mankiewicz

#13. You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa.

Dave Barry

#14. Always take a compliment, even if it's not yours

Benny Bellamacina

#15. "The twins no longer derive their sustenance from Nature's founts - in short," said Mr. Micawber, in one of his bursts of confidence, "they are weaned ... "

Charles Dickens

#16. Leaning forward in the chair, Harley squeezed out a controlled fart, so no one could hear it. This damn reception area was like a echo chamber. If he weren't careful, it could reverberate around the hall like a shotgun blast.

Alan Kinross

#17. I think you want a little unofficial help. Three undetected murders in one year won't do, Lestrade. But you handled the Molesey Mystery with less than your usual - that's to say, you handled it fairly well.

Arthur Conan Doyle

#18. The place was so British, I wouldn't have been surprised if the mice wore monocles.

Bob Hope

#19. You spit in this?"
"Yup."
Chris shrugged. "As long as you're honest.

R.L. Mathewson

#20. Some of us are looking at the stars, but all of us are living in the gutter.

Vann Chow

#21. Awoke to find three vultures sitting on the fence. Realizing they were a portent of impending death I shot them.

Bridget Allison

#22. Not really a party until someone brings the surprise zombies.

Sarah Rees Brennan

#23. If you constantly make it clear that you are unwilling to budge, don't get upset when no one is around who's willing to give you a push.

Mark W. Boyer

#24. So...you really feel a difference from drinking it?" Lad asked.
I nodded. He nearly jumped out of the chair and charged past me to the kitchen.
I followed him. "What are you doing?"
"Getting you a refill.

Amy Patrick

#25. Smiling always seems to annoy people more than actually insulting them. Or maybe I just have an annoying smile.

Jim Butcher

#26. I met Rob in Austin, Texas. He was hitchhiking to California and I was driving to California, so it seemed like a perfect match. He had long blond hair and blue eyes and golden skin and so did I. It was like falling in love with myself.

Lorena Cassady

#27. Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches, your Grace. That's my motto.

Melissa McPhail

#28. Everyone was going crazy, like they'd just witnessed the birth of Jesus and the invention of electricity at the same time. Jude was a rock star, their savior, and they were paying him homage.

Nicole Williams

#29. One man's Mona Lisa is another man's velvet Elvis.

C.M. Bacon

#30. Europeans, like some Americans, drive on the right side of the road, except in England, where they drive on both sides of the road; Italy, where they drive on the sidewalk; and France, where if necessary they will follow you right into the hotel lobby.

Dave Barry

#31. Luck is the bastard child of Fate and Destiny.

Carroll Bryant

#32. Indeed I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not appropriate. In fact, it was wrong

William J. Clinton

#33. Both Miss Lavinia and Miss Clarissa had a superstition, however, that he would have declared his passion, if he had not been cut short in his youth (at about sixty) by over-drinking his constitution, and over-doing an attempt to set it right again by swilling Bath water.

Charles Dickens

#34. Well, she asked him questions about his age and his attainments. The fact that he was a Catholic gave her pause, but when I explained to her that the present Pope was a well-meaning sort of chap, she said she was prepared to meet him halfway.

Elizabeth Cadell

#35. The sun came out the next day, which it had no right to do.

Maggie Hall

#36. This (America) is a land of rich diversity, from the towering skyscrapers of Manhatan all the way to the towering mounds of garbage piled up next to the towering skyscrapers of Manhattan.

Dave Barry

#37. August. The lines are the shortest, though.

Steven Rubenstein

#38. The sky was of the deepest blue, with a few white, fleecy clouds drifting lazily across it, and the air was filled with the low drone of insects or with a sudden sharper note as bee or bluefly shot past with its quivering, long-drawn hum, like an insect tuning-fork.

Arthur Conan Doyle

#39. Though philosophers like to define poetry as irrational fancy, for us it is practical, humorous, reasonable way of being ourselves.

Robert Graves

#40. The sky was so clear that the starlight cast shadows, and so many sparkles and glitters and glints appeared above us that it looked like something really expensive had been dropped and shattered in heaven - God's Steuben ashtray, maybe.

P. J. O'Rourke

#41. Listen carefully, I'm going to say three words."
"I love you?

Lisa Scottoline

#42. I had to be the world's biggest loser, writing about hair, and stuff about my body. No wonder I stopped keeping a journal. It was like keeping a record of my own stupidity. Why would I want to do that?

Benjamin Alire Saenz

#43. I had refused Emerson's well-meant offers of assistance, knowing his efforts would be confined to moving the furniture to the wrong places and demanding how much longer the process would take.

Elizabeth Peters

#44. Nancy Herman, my new gym partner and locker neighbor, puts her hand on my shoulder and whispers, Don't worry April. I have foot fungus too.

Amy Holder

#45. Admiral Spartan thinks that the object must be exposed and penetrated with all possible speed.

Lincoln Child

#46. So it happened at last: I was about to become a thief, a cheap milk-stealer. Here was your lash-in-the-pen genius, your one story-writer: a thief.

John Fante

#47. My father had bought him a shirt
that said Sure you can date my daughter. In a completely unrelated topic,
have you seen my shotgun?

Tara Sivec

#48. I have a constant hungry bum. It's like my own venus fly trap

Monica Merrill Mylet

#49. I love Naples, Florida! Although, I'm so far behind everyone else there. After all, I'm still wearing my first face!

Angelina Assanti

#50. "The duke stopped beside Maddy's chair. He turned to Mr. Pember and in the sort of tone that could command regiments, uttered. "Cat."

Laura Kinsale

#51. The persons hardest to convince that they're at the retirement age are children at bedtime.

Shannon Fife

#52. My dearest Pudding pie" I read aloud.
"Yes, my little turnip?"
"Hilarious," I muttered. "If you ever call me anything of the sort again we shall have words.

Jordan L. Hawk

#53. A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one will notice.

Rich Hall

#54. Are all men's lips as soft as yours, Ari?" Bathymaas
"I suppose, goddess. But I don't make it a habit to feel the lips of other men so I don't know for certain." Aricles

Sherrilyn Kenyon

#55. Wisdom of the Ages: "New Year" For a kid, the ultimate source of confusion. They say it's a new year, but after the break, you realize you are still in the same class, with the same lousy people.

Matthew D. Heines

#56. Ryan, when did you get a girlfriend?" his sister asked.
"She's not my girlfriend, Kaylen," Ryan replied. "Go away.

S. Walden

#57. Those half-learn'd witlings, num'rous in our isle
As half-form'd insects on the banks of Nile

Alexander Pope

#58. I welcome reviews from all readers. I take criticism well; but please ... no comments on my author face!

C.C. Alma

#59. I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants

Dave Beard

#60. During the settling of the American colonies, it was said that the Spaniards would first build a church, the Dutch would first build a fort and the English a tavern. Welcome to Charleston, an English colony founded in 1670.

Mark R. Jones

#61. Forgive me ... I called you an idiot. I spoke too hastily. You are not. Had I given it more thought, I would have called you a scoundrel.

Lloyd Alexander

#62. The poor Americans are so busy defending the rights of Hindus in Pakistan, Moslems in India, Jews in Palestine, Koreans in Japan, Italians in Yugoslavia and Hungarians in Czechoslovakia that they simply cannot give a thought to Negroes in the United States.

George Mikes

#63. And I thought kitty liter was the unlawful practice of discarding small felines along the roadside.

Robert J. Morrissette

#64. Me and Vinny are dead careful, and we only had sex once without a condom, our first time, and it's a scientific fact that virgins can't get pregnant. Stella told me.

David Mitchell

#65. Galaxies of nothing are going on
in her eyes.

Caitlin Moran

#66. I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

Rodney Dangerfield

#67. Deep down, he's shallow.

Peter De Vries

#68. The pressures of business relationships: so I tell the guy I usually have my tea time at 10 o'clock every morning. He calls me at noon (very upset) because I didn't meet him on the golf course.

Eric Christopher Jackson

#69. Please put your penises away, gentlemen. Dinner is procured. By a woman.

Kresley Cole

#70. As the colonel and I sat swapping stories in the plane, a jet aircraft buzzed past our window. I asked the colonel what type of aircraft it was, and he said, "Don't worry about it, Bob ... if you can see it, it's obsolete."

Bob Hope

#71. In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it immediately. They said that in nature all systems are breaking down, and I thought, What a wonderful thing; perhaps I can make some small contribution to this process, myself.

George Carlin

#72. When I started writing this, I found that I simply couldn't take fantasy seriously, so it became humorous, and continued from there.

Piers Anthony

#73. English history consists largely of royal people getting their heads chopped off ... Needless to say, this brand of history was a hit with our son.

Dave Barry

#74. I like to go to Starbucks and watch the intellectuals. I observe them and their intellectualness. They in turn observe me drinking coffee and being a creeper.

Ryan Lilly

#75. For every person who rides with a moral high-horse, they also have a dead horse that they haven't fed lying somewhere out of sight.

Zack W. Van

#76. Don't call me when you're stuck in traffic. It's not my fault that radio sucks and did it ever occur to you that there wouldn't be so much traffic if people like you put down the phone and concentrated on the road ... besides I can't talk now, I'm in the car behind you trying to watch a DVD.

Bill Maher

#77. A painting is worth a thousand confused art-gallery visitors.

Ljupka Cvetanova

#78. But where is my son? Where is the beautiful Miss Merriot?

Georgette Heyer

#79. Well, sir, let us do what we can to curtail this visit, which can hardly be agreeable to you, and is inexpressibly irksome to me.

Arthur Conan Doyle

#80. And watch your tongue. I happen to be partial to humans - most, anyway. Clowns, not so much. Those evil bastards never stop smiling."
Niccolo didn't know what these "clowns" were, but he made a mental not to stay away if he ever encountered one. Sounded unpleasant.

Mimi Jean Pamfiloff

#81. I feel like my life has been very serendipitous and really kind of humorous. Everything that's happened to me has been like an, 'Omigod, are you kidding me?'

Vicki Lawrence

#82. Girls are always complaining that they can never meet a nice guy. Nice guys are everywhere. The problem isn't that there aren't any nice guys, the problem is that all of the nice guys are ugly.

Carroll Bryant

#83. Sometimes i wish that I was a man so I could tell haters to 'blow me.

Marla Buchanan

#84. It was a hot, moist armpit of a night...

Mike Carey

#85. The thing to remember about a kick is you go for his twigs and berries" ~Declan~

Ilsa Madden-Mills

#86. In the world of human thought generally, and in physical science particularly, the most important and fruitful concepts are those to which it is impossible to attach a well-defined meaning.

Hans Kramers

#87. And now Kit's cock - which had mostly been used for taking a leak before that moment - woke up and screamed I WANT! FEED ME ASSHOLE! And Kit had given it a good handshake until it threw up.

Amy Lane

#88. Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising.

Mark Twain

#89. Anyhow, all mankind's ideas and interests, all human aims and motives, are exhibited, fully formed, in a three-year-old child. The kid is just operating on a smaller scale and lacks the advantage of having made enormous soft-money campaign contributions to political candidates.

P. J. O'Rourke

#90. The difference between an ignorant fool shoveling manure in a bullpen, and a fool with a PhD, is that the fool with the PhD can shovel more of it, faster.

Dimitris Mita

#91. I could not imagine my youngest standing above her soiled grandmother in the wing chair and saying, "mother, let's kill her. "That's the only choice.

Alice Sebold

#92. America is a nation of 270 million people: 100 million of them are gangsters, another 100 million are hustlers, 50 million are complete lunatics, and every single one of us is secretly in show business. Isn't that fabulous?

Tom Robbins

#93. You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.

Dave Barry

#94. In this book I do not intend to give a blow-by-blow description of a sex bout: I find them inartistic, clinical and unpoetic. The circumstances that lead up to sex I find more interesting.

Charlie Chaplin