Humorous Famous Quotes & Sayings

List of top 100 famous quotes and sayings about humorous to read and share with friends on your Facebook, Twitter, blogs.

Top 100 Quotes About Humorous

#1. I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to. - Author: Rodney Dangerfield
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#2. But where is my son? Where is the beautiful Miss Merriot? - Author: Georgette Heyer
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#3. A painting is worth a thousand confused art-gallery visitors. - Author: Ljupka Cvetanova
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#4. Don't call me when you're stuck in traffic. It's not my fault that radio sucks and did it ever occur to you that there wouldn't be so much traffic if people like you put down the phone and concentrated on the road ... besides I can't talk now, I'm in the car behind you trying to watch a DVD. - Author: Bill Maher
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#5. For every person who rides with a moral high-horse, they also have a dead horse that they haven't fed lying somewhere out of sight. - Author: Zack W. Van
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#6. I like to go to Starbucks and watch the intellectuals. I observe them and their intellectualness. They in turn observe me drinking coffee and being a creeper. - Author: Ryan Lilly
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#7. English history consists largely of royal people getting their heads chopped off ... Needless to say, this brand of history was a hit with our son. - Author: Dave Barry
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#8. When I started writing this, I found that I simply couldn't take fantasy seriously, so it became humorous, and continued from there. - Author: Piers Anthony
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#9. In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it immediately. They said that in nature all systems are breaking down, and I thought, What a wonderful thing; perhaps I can make some small contribution to this process, myself. - Author: George Carlin
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#10. As the colonel and I sat swapping stories in the plane, a jet aircraft buzzed past our window. I asked the colonel what type of aircraft it was, and he said, "Don't worry about it, Bob ... if you can see it, it's obsolete." - Author: Bob Hope
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#11. Please put your penises away, gentlemen. Dinner is procured. By a woman. - Author: Kresley Cole
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#12. The pressures of business relationships: so I tell the guy I usually have my tea time at 10 o'clock every morning. He calls me at noon (very upset) because I didn't meet him on the golf course. - Author: Eric Christopher Jackson
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#13. Deep down, he's shallow. - Author: Peter De Vries
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#14. Well, sir, let us do what we can to curtail this visit, which can hardly be agreeable to you, and is inexpressibly irksome to me. - Author: Arthur Conan Doyle
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#15. Galaxies of nothing are going on
in her eyes. - Author: Caitlin Moran
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#16. Me and Vinny are dead careful, and we only had sex once without a condom, our first time, and it's a scientific fact that virgins can't get pregnant. Stella told me. - Author: David Mitchell
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#17. And I thought kitty liter was the unlawful practice of discarding small felines along the roadside. - Author: Robert J. Morrissette
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#18. The poor Americans are so busy defending the rights of Hindus in Pakistan, Moslems in India, Jews in Palestine, Koreans in Japan, Italians in Yugoslavia and Hungarians in Czechoslovakia that they simply cannot give a thought to Negroes in the United States. - Author: George Mikes
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#19. Forgive me ... I called you an idiot. I spoke too hastily. You are not. Had I given it more thought, I would have called you a scoundrel. - Author: Lloyd Alexander
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#20. During the settling of the American colonies, it was said that the Spaniards would first build a church, the Dutch would first build a fort and the English a tavern. Welcome to Charleston, an English colony founded in 1670. - Author: Mark R. Jones
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#21. I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants - Author: Dave Beard
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#22. I welcome reviews from all readers. I take criticism well; but please ... no comments on my author face! - Author: C.C. Alma
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#23. Those half-learn'd witlings, num'rous in our isle
As half-form'd insects on the banks of Nile - Author: Alexander Pope
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#24. Ryan, when did you get a girlfriend?" his sister asked.
"She's not my girlfriend, Kaylen," Ryan replied. "Go away. - Author: S. Walden
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#25. Wisdom of the Ages: "New Year" For a kid, the ultimate source of confusion. They say it's a new year, but after the break, you realize you are still in the same class, with the same lousy people. - Author: Matthew D. Heines
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#26. I could not imagine my youngest standing above her soiled grandmother in the wing chair and saying, "mother, let's kill her. "That's the only choice. - Author: Alice Sebold
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#27. There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income. - Author: Will Rogers
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#28. To ugly ducklings everywhere,
Don't worry about those fluffy yellow morons:
They'll never get to be swans - Author: Zoe Marriott
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#29. If it is gay, ribald and lascivious night-life you are after, Israel is not the place for you. The night clubs you do find are nearer in spirit to a YMCA than to dens of iniquity. - Author: George Mikes
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#30. How'd you like to sleep between dragons? - Author: L.R.W. Lee
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#31. I regret it is not possible to marry by post. - Author: Janet Mullany
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#32. You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
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#33. In small towns, news travels at the speed of boredom. - Author: Carlos Ruiz Zafon
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#34. Blast ignorant people with high-powered streams of information and wisdom, but only when fire hoses are not readily available. - Author: Cassandra Duffy
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#35. Hotel Conundrum: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast? - Author: Demetri Martin
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#36. In this book I do not intend to give a blow-by-blow description of a sex bout: I find them inartistic, clinical and unpoetic. The circumstances that lead up to sex I find more interesting. - Author: Charlie Chaplin
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#37. You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World. - Author: Dave Barry
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#38. America is a nation of 270 million people: 100 million of them are gangsters, another 100 million are hustlers, 50 million are complete lunatics, and every single one of us is secretly in show business. Isn't that fabulous? - Author: Tom Robbins
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#39. Are all men's lips as soft as yours, Ari?" Bathymaas
"I suppose, goddess. But I don't make it a habit to feel the lips of other men so I don't know for certain." Aricles - Author: Sherrilyn Kenyon
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#40. The difference between an ignorant fool shoveling manure in a bullpen, and a fool with a PhD, is that the fool with the PhD can shovel more of it, faster. - Author: Dimitris Mita
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#41. Anyhow, all mankind's ideas and interests, all human aims and motives, are exhibited, fully formed, in a three-year-old child. The kid is just operating on a smaller scale and lacks the advantage of having made enormous soft-money campaign contributions to political candidates. - Author: P. J. O'Rourke
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#42. Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising. - Author: Mark Twain
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#43. And now Kit's cock - which had mostly been used for taking a leak before that moment - woke up and screamed I WANT! FEED ME ASSHOLE! And Kit had given it a good handshake until it threw up. - Author: Amy Lane
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#44. In the world of human thought generally, and in physical science particularly, the most important and fruitful concepts are those to which it is impossible to attach a well-defined meaning. - Author: Hans Kramers
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#45. The thing to remember about a kick is you go for his twigs and berries" ~Declan~ - Author: Ilsa Madden-Mills
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#46. It was a hot, moist armpit of a night... - Author: Mike Carey
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#47. Sometimes i wish that I was a man so I could tell haters to 'blow me. - Author: Marla Buchanan
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#48. Girls are always complaining that they can never meet a nice guy. Nice guys are everywhere. The problem isn't that there aren't any nice guys, the problem is that all of the nice guys are ugly. - Author: Carroll Bryant
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#49. I feel like my life has been very serendipitous and really kind of humorous. Everything that's happened to me has been like an, 'Omigod, are you kidding me?' - Author: Vicki Lawrence
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#50. And watch your tongue. I happen to be partial to humans - most, anyway. Clowns, not so much. Those evil bastards never stop smiling."
Niccolo didn't know what these "clowns" were, but he made a mental not to stay away if he ever encountered one. Sounded unpleasant. - Author: Mimi Jean Pamfiloff
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#51. Leaning forward in the chair, Harley squeezed out a controlled fart, so no one could hear it. This damn reception area was like a echo chamber. If he weren't careful, it could reverberate around the hall like a shotgun blast. - Author: Alan Kinross
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#52. Everyone was going crazy, like they'd just witnessed the birth of Jesus and the invention of electricity at the same time. Jude was a rock star, their savior, and they were paying him homage. - Author: Nicole Williams
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#53. Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches, your Grace. That's my motto. - Author: Melissa McPhail
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#54. I met Rob in Austin, Texas. He was hitchhiking to California and I was driving to California, so it seemed like a perfect match. He had long blond hair and blue eyes and golden skin and so did I. It was like falling in love with myself. - Author: Lorena Cassady
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#55. Smiling always seems to annoy people more than actually insulting them. Or maybe I just have an annoying smile. - Author: Jim Butcher
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#56. really feel a difference from drinking it?" Lad asked.
I nodded. He nearly jumped out of the chair and charged past me to the kitchen.
I followed him. "What are you doing?"
"Getting you a refill. - Author: Amy Patrick
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#57. If you constantly make it clear that you are unwilling to budge, don't get upset when no one is around who's willing to give you a push. - Author: Mark W. Boyer
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#58. Not really a party until someone brings the surprise zombies. - Author: Sarah Rees Brennan
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#59. Awoke to find three vultures sitting on the fence. Realizing they were a portent of impending death I shot them. - Author: Bridget Allison
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#60. Some of us are looking at the stars, but all of us are living in the gutter. - Author: Vann Chow
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#61. You spit in this?"
Chris shrugged. "As long as you're honest. - Author: R.L. Mathewson
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#62. The place was so British, I wouldn't have been surprised if the mice wore monocles. - Author: Bob Hope
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#63. I think you want a little unofficial help. Three undetected murders in one year won't do, Lestrade. But you handled the Molesey Mystery with less than your usual - that's to say, you handled it fairly well. - Author: Arthur Conan Doyle
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#64. One man's Mona Lisa is another man's velvet Elvis. - Author: C.M. Bacon
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#65. "The twins no longer derive their sustenance from Nature's founts - in short," said Mr. Micawber, in one of his bursts of confidence, "they are weaned ... " - Author: Charles Dickens
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#66. Always take a compliment, even if it's not yours - Author: Benny Bellamacina
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#67. You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa. - Author: Dave Barry
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#68. John Connally's conversion to the GOP raised the intellectual level of both parties. - Author: Frank Mankiewicz
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#69. The help (in Japan) is very polite. They bow so much, you don't know which end to talk to. - Author: Bob Hope
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#70. Two things never mix: one is enchantments and the other is meddling with them. - Author: Lloyd Alexander
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#71. The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a remarkable Christian forebearance among men. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
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#72. I give him a skeptical look. "You want to show me your dick?"
"If it'll help convince you." He drains the last drops of his Scotch and stands up. "Come on, let's go. - Author: Kendall Ryan
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#73. I guess the breakfast burritos are going to have some extra protein in the morning. - Author: Jon S. Lewis
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#74. He [Iggy] started reaching for things around the table, and his hand landed on Total. "You're black."
"I prefer canine-American," said Total. - Author: James Patterson
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#75. Madam, I have just come from a country where people are hanged if they talk. - Author: Leonhard Euler
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#76. Listen carefully, I'm going to say three words."
"I love you? - Author: Lisa Scottoline
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#77. A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one will notice. - Author: Rich Hall
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#78. My dearest Pudding pie" I read aloud.
"Yes, my little turnip?"
"Hilarious," I muttered. "If you ever call me anything of the sort again we shall have words. - Author: Jordan L. Hawk
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#79. The persons hardest to convince that they're at the retirement age are children at bedtime. - Author: Shannon Fife
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#80. "The duke stopped beside Maddy's chair. He turned to Mr. Pember and in the sort of tone that could command regiments, uttered. "Cat." - Author: Laura Kinsale
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#81. I love Naples, Florida! Although, I'm so far behind everyone else there. After all, I'm still wearing my first face! - Author: Angelina Assanti
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#82. I have a constant hungry bum. It's like my own venus fly trap - Author: Monica Merrill Mylet
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#83. My father had bought him a shirt
that said Sure you can date my daughter. In a completely unrelated topic,
have you seen my shotgun? - Author: Tara Sivec
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#84. So it happened at last: I was about to become a thief, a cheap milk-stealer. Here was your lash-in-the-pen genius, your one story-writer: a thief. - Author: John Fante
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#85. Admiral Spartan thinks that the object must be exposed and penetrated with all possible speed. - Author: Lincoln Child
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#86. Nancy Herman, my new gym partner and locker neighbor, puts her hand on my shoulder and whispers, Don't worry April. I have foot fungus too. - Author: Amy Holder
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#87. I had refused Emerson's well-meant offers of assistance, knowing his efforts would be confined to moving the furniture to the wrong places and demanding how much longer the process would take. - Author: Elizabeth Peters
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#88. I had to be the world's biggest loser, writing about hair, and stuff about my body. No wonder I stopped keeping a journal. It was like keeping a record of my own stupidity. Why would I want to do that? - Author: Benjamin Alire Saenz
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#89. Everything that has calories in my kitchen is my favorite - Author: G.A. McKevett
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#90. The sky was so clear that the starlight cast shadows, and so many sparkles and glitters and glints appeared above us that it looked like something really expensive had been dropped and shattered in heaven - God's Steuben ashtray, maybe. - Author: P. J. O'Rourke
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#91. Though philosophers like to define poetry as irrational fancy, for us it is practical, humorous, reasonable way of being ourselves. - Author: Robert Graves
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#92. The sky was of the deepest blue, with a few white, fleecy clouds drifting lazily across it, and the air was filled with the low drone of insects or with a sudden sharper note as bee or bluefly shot past with its quivering, long-drawn hum, like an insect tuning-fork. - Author: Arthur Conan Doyle
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#93. August. The lines are the shortest, though. - Author: Steven Rubenstein
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#94. This (America) is a land of rich diversity, from the towering skyscrapers of Manhatan all the way to the towering mounds of garbage piled up next to the towering skyscrapers of Manhattan. - Author: Dave Barry
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#95. The sun came out the next day, which it had no right to do. - Author: Maggie Hall
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#96. Well, she asked him questions about his age and his attainments. The fact that he was a Catholic gave her pause, but when I explained to her that the present Pope was a well-meaning sort of chap, she said she was prepared to meet him halfway. - Author: Elizabeth Cadell
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#97. Both Miss Lavinia and Miss Clarissa had a superstition, however, that he would have declared his passion, if he had not been cut short in his youth (at about sixty) by over-drinking his constitution, and over-doing an attempt to set it right again by swilling Bath water. - Author: Charles Dickens
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#98. Indeed I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not appropriate. In fact, it was wrong - Author: William J. Clinton
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#99. Luck is the bastard child of Fate and Destiny. - Author: Carroll Bryant
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#100. Europeans, like some Americans, drive on the right side of the road, except in England, where they drive on both sides of the road; Italy, where they drive on the sidewalk; and France, where if necessary they will follow you right into the hotel lobby. - Author: Dave Barry
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