Humorous Famous Quotes & Sayings

List of top 100 famous quotes and sayings about humorous to read and share with friends on your Facebook, Twitter, blogs.

Top 100 Quotes About Humorous

#1. I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to. - Author: Rodney Dangerfield
Quotes About Humorous #47622
#2. But where is my son? Where is the beautiful Miss Merriot? - Author: Georgette Heyer
Quotes About Humorous #56051
#3. A painting is worth a thousand confused art-gallery visitors. - Author: Ljupka Cvetanova
Quotes About Humorous #55642
#4. Don't call me when you're stuck in traffic. It's not my fault that radio sucks and did it ever occur to you that there wouldn't be so much traffic if people like you put down the phone and concentrated on the road ... besides I can't talk now, I'm in the car behind you trying to watch a DVD. - Author: Bill Maher
Quotes About Humorous #54756
#5. For every person who rides with a moral high-horse, they also have a dead horse that they haven't fed lying somewhere out of sight. - Author: Zack W. Van
Quotes About Humorous #54337
#6. I like to go to Starbucks and watch the intellectuals. I observe them and their intellectualness. They in turn observe me drinking coffee and being a creeper. - Author: Ryan Lilly
Quotes About Humorous #53451
#7. English history consists largely of royal people getting their heads chopped off ... Needless to say, this brand of history was a hit with our son. - Author: Dave Barry
Quotes About Humorous #53449
#8. When I started writing this, I found that I simply couldn't take fantasy seriously, so it became humorous, and continued from there. - Author: Piers Anthony
Quotes About Humorous #53261
#9. In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it immediately. They said that in nature all systems are breaking down, and I thought, What a wonderful thing; perhaps I can make some small contribution to this process, myself. - Author: George Carlin
Quotes About Humorous #52770
#10. As the colonel and I sat swapping stories in the plane, a jet aircraft buzzed past our window. I asked the colonel what type of aircraft it was, and he said, "Don't worry about it, Bob ... if you can see it, it's obsolete." - Author: Bob Hope
Quotes About Humorous #50834
#11. Please put your penises away, gentlemen. Dinner is procured. By a woman. - Author: Kresley Cole
Quotes About Humorous #50105
#12. The pressures of business relationships: so I tell the guy I usually have my tea time at 10 o'clock every morning. He calls me at noon (very upset) because I didn't meet him on the golf course. - Author: Eric Christopher Jackson
Quotes About Humorous #49469
#13. Deep down, he's shallow. - Author: Peter De Vries
Quotes About Humorous #48780
#14. Well, sir, let us do what we can to curtail this visit, which can hardly be agreeable to you, and is inexpressibly irksome to me. - Author: Arthur Conan Doyle
Quotes About Humorous #56786
#15. Galaxies of nothing are going on
in her eyes. - Author: Caitlin Moran
Quotes About Humorous #46488
#16. Me and Vinny are dead careful, and we only had sex once without a condom, our first time, and it's a scientific fact that virgins can't get pregnant. Stella told me. - Author: David Mitchell
Quotes About Humorous #46446
#17. And I thought kitty liter was the unlawful practice of discarding small felines along the roadside. - Author: Robert J. Morrissette
Quotes About Humorous #44832
#18. The poor Americans are so busy defending the rights of Hindus in Pakistan, Moslems in India, Jews in Palestine, Koreans in Japan, Italians in Yugoslavia and Hungarians in Czechoslovakia that they simply cannot give a thought to Negroes in the United States. - Author: George Mikes
Quotes About Humorous #44267
#19. Forgive me ... I called you an idiot. I spoke too hastily. You are not. Had I given it more thought, I would have called you a scoundrel. - Author: Lloyd Alexander
Quotes About Humorous #43718
#20. During the settling of the American colonies, it was said that the Spaniards would first build a church, the Dutch would first build a fort and the English a tavern. Welcome to Charleston, an English colony founded in 1670. - Author: Mark R. Jones
Quotes About Humorous #43549
#21. I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants - Author: Dave Beard
Quotes About Humorous #43516
#22. I welcome reviews from all readers. I take criticism well; but please ... no comments on my author face! - Author: C.C. Alma
Quotes About Humorous #43168
#23. Those half-learn'd witlings, num'rous in our isle
As half-form'd insects on the banks of Nile - Author: Alexander Pope
Quotes About Humorous #42494
#24. Ryan, when did you get a girlfriend?" his sister asked.
"She's not my girlfriend, Kaylen," Ryan replied. "Go away. - Author: S. Walden
Quotes About Humorous #41793
#25. Wisdom of the Ages: "New Year" For a kid, the ultimate source of confusion. They say it's a new year, but after the break, you realize you are still in the same class, with the same lousy people. - Author: Matthew D. Heines
Quotes About Humorous #41644
#26. I could not imagine my youngest standing above her soiled grandmother in the wing chair and saying, "mother, let's kill her. "That's the only choice. - Author: Alice Sebold
Quotes About Humorous #68637
#27. There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income. - Author: Will Rogers
Quotes About Humorous #82440
#28. To ugly ducklings everywhere,
Don't worry about those fluffy yellow morons:
They'll never get to be swans - Author: Zoe Marriott
Quotes About Humorous #80061
#29. If it is gay, ribald and lascivious night-life you are after, Israel is not the place for you. The night clubs you do find are nearer in spirit to a YMCA than to dens of iniquity. - Author: George Mikes
Quotes About Humorous #78684
#30. How'd you like to sleep between dragons? - Author: L.R.W. Lee
Quotes About Humorous #78633
#31. I regret it is not possible to marry by post. - Author: Janet Mullany
Quotes About Humorous #78364
#32. You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Quotes About Humorous #74488
#33. In small towns, news travels at the speed of boredom. - Author: Carlos Ruiz Zafon
Quotes About Humorous #73754
#34. Blast ignorant people with high-powered streams of information and wisdom, but only when fire hoses are not readily available. - Author: Cassandra Duffy
Quotes About Humorous #73569
#35. Hotel Conundrum: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast? - Author: Demetri Martin
Quotes About Humorous #72505
#36. In this book I do not intend to give a blow-by-blow description of a sex bout: I find them inartistic, clinical and unpoetic. The circumstances that lead up to sex I find more interesting. - Author: Charlie Chaplin
Quotes About Humorous #71845
#37. You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World. - Author: Dave Barry
Quotes About Humorous #69174
#38. America is a nation of 270 million people: 100 million of them are gangsters, another 100 million are hustlers, 50 million are complete lunatics, and every single one of us is secretly in show business. Isn't that fabulous? - Author: Tom Robbins
Quotes About Humorous #69147
#39. Are all men's lips as soft as yours, Ari?" Bathymaas
"I suppose, goddess. But I don't make it a habit to feel the lips of other men so I don't know for certain." Aricles - Author: Sherrilyn Kenyon
Quotes About Humorous #41611
#40. The difference between an ignorant fool shoveling manure in a bullpen, and a fool with a PhD, is that the fool with the PhD can shovel more of it, faster. - Author: Dimitris Mita
Quotes About Humorous #66526
#41. Anyhow, all mankind's ideas and interests, all human aims and motives, are exhibited, fully formed, in a three-year-old child. The kid is just operating on a smaller scale and lacks the advantage of having made enormous soft-money campaign contributions to political candidates. - Author: P. J. O'Rourke
Quotes About Humorous #66192
#42. Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising. - Author: Mark Twain
Quotes About Humorous #65024
#43. And now Kit's cock - which had mostly been used for taking a leak before that moment - woke up and screamed I WANT! FEED ME ASSHOLE! And Kit had given it a good handshake until it threw up. - Author: Amy Lane
Quotes About Humorous #63315
#44. In the world of human thought generally, and in physical science particularly, the most important and fruitful concepts are those to which it is impossible to attach a well-defined meaning. - Author: Hans Kramers
Quotes About Humorous #62902
#45. The thing to remember about a kick is you go for his twigs and berries" ~Declan~ - Author: Ilsa Madden-Mills
Quotes About Humorous #62865
#46. It was a hot, moist armpit of a night... - Author: Mike Carey
Quotes About Humorous #62763
#47. Sometimes i wish that I was a man so I could tell haters to 'blow me. - Author: Marla Buchanan
Quotes About Humorous #62553
#48. Girls are always complaining that they can never meet a nice guy. Nice guys are everywhere. The problem isn't that there aren't any nice guys, the problem is that all of the nice guys are ugly. - Author: Carroll Bryant
Quotes About Humorous #61546
#49. I feel like my life has been very serendipitous and really kind of humorous. Everything that's happened to me has been like an, 'Omigod, are you kidding me?' - Author: Vicki Lawrence
Quotes About Humorous #59842
#50. And watch your tongue. I happen to be partial to humans - most, anyway. Clowns, not so much. Those evil bastards never stop smiling."
Niccolo didn't know what these "clowns" were, but he made a mental not to stay away if he ever encountered one. Sounded unpleasant. - Author: Mimi Jean Pamfiloff
Quotes About Humorous #58590
#51. Leaning forward in the chair, Harley squeezed out a controlled fart, so no one could hear it. This damn reception area was like a echo chamber. If he weren't careful, it could reverberate around the hall like a shotgun blast. - Author: Alan Kinross
Quotes About Humorous #11039
#52. Everyone was going crazy, like they'd just witnessed the birth of Jesus and the invention of electricity at the same time. Jude was a rock star, their savior, and they were paying him homage. - Author: Nicole Williams
Quotes About Humorous #25360
#53. Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches, your Grace. That's my motto. - Author: Melissa McPhail
Quotes About Humorous #24778
#54. I met Rob in Austin, Texas. He was hitchhiking to California and I was driving to California, so it seemed like a perfect match. He had long blond hair and blue eyes and golden skin and so did I. It was like falling in love with myself. - Author: Lorena Cassady
Quotes About Humorous #24739
#55. Smiling always seems to annoy people more than actually insulting them. Or maybe I just have an annoying smile. - Author: Jim Butcher
Quotes About Humorous #24066
#56. So...you really feel a difference from drinking it?" Lad asked.
I nodded. He nearly jumped out of the chair and charged past me to the kitchen.
I followed him. "What are you doing?"
"Getting you a refill. - Author: Amy Patrick
Quotes About Humorous #20143
#57. If you constantly make it clear that you are unwilling to budge, don't get upset when no one is around who's willing to give you a push. - Author: Mark W. Boyer
Quotes About Humorous #17655
#58. Not really a party until someone brings the surprise zombies. - Author: Sarah Rees Brennan
Quotes About Humorous #17099
#59. Awoke to find three vultures sitting on the fence. Realizing they were a portent of impending death I shot them. - Author: Bridget Allison
Quotes About Humorous #16950
#60. Some of us are looking at the stars, but all of us are living in the gutter. - Author: Vann Chow
Quotes About Humorous #15182
#61. You spit in this?"
"Yup."
Chris shrugged. "As long as you're honest. - Author: R.L. Mathewson
Quotes About Humorous #15167
#62. The place was so British, I wouldn't have been surprised if the mice wore monocles. - Author: Bob Hope
Quotes About Humorous #11508
#63. I think you want a little unofficial help. Three undetected murders in one year won't do, Lestrade. But you handled the Molesey Mystery with less than your usual - that's to say, you handled it fairly well. - Author: Arthur Conan Doyle
Quotes About Humorous #11387
#64. One man's Mona Lisa is another man's velvet Elvis. - Author: C.M. Bacon
Quotes About Humorous #25502
#65. "The twins no longer derive their sustenance from Nature's founts - in short," said Mr. Micawber, in one of his bursts of confidence, "they are weaned ... " - Author: Charles Dickens
Quotes About Humorous #9747
#66. Always take a compliment, even if it's not yours - Author: Benny Bellamacina
Quotes About Humorous #8533
#67. You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa. - Author: Dave Barry
Quotes About Humorous #7034
#68. John Connally's conversion to the GOP raised the intellectual level of both parties. - Author: Frank Mankiewicz
Quotes About Humorous #6766
#69. The help (in Japan) is very polite. They bow so much, you don't know which end to talk to. - Author: Bob Hope
Quotes About Humorous #5644
#70. Two things never mix: one is enchantments and the other is meddling with them. - Author: Lloyd Alexander
Quotes About Humorous #5227
#71. The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a remarkable Christian forebearance among men. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Quotes About Humorous #4673
#72. I give him a skeptical look. "You want to show me your dick?"
"If it'll help convince you." He drains the last drops of his Scotch and stands up. "Come on, let's go. - Author: Kendall Ryan
Quotes About Humorous #3529
#73. I guess the breakfast burritos are going to have some extra protein in the morning. - Author: Jon S. Lewis
Quotes About Humorous #3401
#74. He [Iggy] started reaching for things around the table, and his hand landed on Total. "You're black."
"I prefer canine-American," said Total. - Author: James Patterson
Quotes About Humorous #3389
#75. Madam, I have just come from a country where people are hanged if they talk. - Author: Leonhard Euler
Quotes About Humorous #3207
#76. Listen carefully, I'm going to say three words."
"I love you? - Author: Lisa Scottoline
Quotes About Humorous #33504
#77. A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one will notice. - Author: Rich Hall
Quotes About Humorous #41197
#78. My dearest Pudding pie" I read aloud.
"Yes, my little turnip?"
"Hilarious," I muttered. "If you ever call me anything of the sort again we shall have words. - Author: Jordan L. Hawk
Quotes About Humorous #41026
#79. The persons hardest to convince that they're at the retirement age are children at bedtime. - Author: Shannon Fife
Quotes About Humorous #40852
#80. "The duke stopped beside Maddy's chair. He turned to Mr. Pember and in the sort of tone that could command regiments, uttered. "Cat." - Author: Laura Kinsale
Quotes About Humorous #40604
#81. I love Naples, Florida! Although, I'm so far behind everyone else there. After all, I'm still wearing my first face! - Author: Angelina Assanti
Quotes About Humorous #40594
#82. I have a constant hungry bum. It's like my own venus fly trap - Author: Monica Merrill Mylet
Quotes About Humorous #40554
#83. My father had bought him a shirt
that said Sure you can date my daughter. In a completely unrelated topic,
have you seen my shotgun? - Author: Tara Sivec
Quotes About Humorous #40288
#84. So it happened at last: I was about to become a thief, a cheap milk-stealer. Here was your lash-in-the-pen genius, your one story-writer: a thief. - Author: John Fante
Quotes About Humorous #38766
#85. Admiral Spartan thinks that the object must be exposed and penetrated with all possible speed. - Author: Lincoln Child
Quotes About Humorous #37775
#86. Nancy Herman, my new gym partner and locker neighbor, puts her hand on my shoulder and whispers, Don't worry April. I have foot fungus too. - Author: Amy Holder
Quotes About Humorous #37480
#87. I had refused Emerson's well-meant offers of assistance, knowing his efforts would be confined to moving the furniture to the wrong places and demanding how much longer the process would take. - Author: Elizabeth Peters
Quotes About Humorous #35327
#88. I had to be the world's biggest loser, writing about hair, and stuff about my body. No wonder I stopped keeping a journal. It was like keeping a record of my own stupidity. Why would I want to do that? - Author: Benjamin Alire Saenz
Quotes About Humorous #33604
#89. Everything that has calories in my kitchen is my favorite - Author: G.A. McKevett
Quotes About Humorous #2559
#90. The sky was so clear that the starlight cast shadows, and so many sparkles and glitters and glints appeared above us that it looked like something really expensive had been dropped and shattered in heaven - God's Steuben ashtray, maybe. - Author: P. J. O'Rourke
Quotes About Humorous #32380
#91. Though philosophers like to define poetry as irrational fancy, for us it is practical, humorous, reasonable way of being ourselves. - Author: Robert Graves
Quotes About Humorous #30916
#92. The sky was of the deepest blue, with a few white, fleecy clouds drifting lazily across it, and the air was filled with the low drone of insects or with a sudden sharper note as bee or bluefly shot past with its quivering, long-drawn hum, like an insect tuning-fork. - Author: Arthur Conan Doyle
Quotes About Humorous #29724
#93. August. The lines are the shortest, though. - Author: Steven Rubenstein
Quotes About Humorous #29215
#94. This (America) is a land of rich diversity, from the towering skyscrapers of Manhatan all the way to the towering mounds of garbage piled up next to the towering skyscrapers of Manhattan. - Author: Dave Barry
Quotes About Humorous #28139
#95. The sun came out the next day, which it had no right to do. - Author: Maggie Hall
Quotes About Humorous #27710
#96. Well, she asked him questions about his age and his attainments. The fact that he was a Catholic gave her pause, but when I explained to her that the present Pope was a well-meaning sort of chap, she said she was prepared to meet him halfway. - Author: Elizabeth Cadell
Quotes About Humorous #27568
#97. Both Miss Lavinia and Miss Clarissa had a superstition, however, that he would have declared his passion, if he had not been cut short in his youth (at about sixty) by over-drinking his constitution, and over-doing an attempt to set it right again by swilling Bath water. - Author: Charles Dickens
Quotes About Humorous #27012
#98. Indeed I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not appropriate. In fact, it was wrong - Author: William J. Clinton
Quotes About Humorous #26602
#99. Luck is the bastard child of Fate and Destiny. - Author: Carroll Bryant
Quotes About Humorous #26317
#100. Europeans, like some Americans, drive on the right side of the road, except in England, where they drive on both sides of the road; Italy, where they drive on the sidewalk; and France, where if necessary they will follow you right into the hotel lobby. - Author: Dave Barry
Quotes About Humorous #26291

Famous Authors

Popular Topics