Top 100 Joke Time Quotes
#1. Now you know what bloody lurks in the Maze, my friend. Now you know this isn't joke time. You've been sent to the Glade, Greenie, and we'll be expectin' ya to survive and help us do what we've been sent here to do.
James Dashner
#3. He heard you in the chapel and gave you more time to make things better. Time to say what you needed to say, do what you needed to do. It wasn't a joke! It was divine mercy, and you blew it! You were given what billions of people beg for, and you have the audacity to be angry about it?
John Goode
#4. I'm a really stoic artist. I'm serious a lot of times. I can joke and play sometimes, but most of the time, I'm stoic.
LeCrae
#5. I joke around all the time, 'I'm Asian; I'm really good at math.'
Brenda Song
#6. For comedians, we're all kind of tweeting our thoughts instead of spending time developing them. You can gauge how good a joke might be by how many times it gets retweeted, but it takes discipline to go back through the tweets and then develop jokes from them.
Natasha Leggero
#7. If you can't make a joke at a time like this, what's the point of living?
Chloe Neill
#8. Any time you can be with like-minded people, laughing or crying over the same joke or the same scene ... For me, it's therapeutic. You just feel a little less alone on the planet.
Michael De Luca
#9. I had my electricity turned off three times because I never had time to pay my bills. It was a joke. I'm making a ton of money, and I'm walking around my apartment with flashlights.
Sherry Stringfield
#10. You know where you can shove your joke. Just get me a new drink and try not to include and of your STD-laced body fluid in it this time.
Kim Harrington
#11. Like all women, I've had a pretty awful time in many ways, but it's always possible to either make a joke or find someone else.
Emma Tennant
#12. Television is a medium of entertainment which permits millions of people to listen to the same joke at the same time, and yet remain lonesome.
T. S. Eliot
#13. I always make this joke that I know you were expecting to see the big skirts and the hoops. But that was a long time ago. Artists aren't always seen as real people. If you start out as a teenager, sometimes people want to keep you locked as that. But I'm a woman now.
Jody Watley
#15. At the same time, we can't blame comedians for taking time to learn. Any critic of comedy who believes that he has always, universally, been on the right side of justice is engaging in a hypocrisy that is itself a joke.
Guy Branum
#16. That awkward moment when you realize someone was actually home the whole time you were singing on the tops of your lungs.
Kasey Collin P. Dumdum
#17. I've never taken time off from being an actor. This is the kind of career I'd be so happy to do until I die. I always joke to myself that I want to have a postmortem Academy Award Nomination.
Ansel Elgort
#18. My doctor said to me afterwards, 'When you were ill you behaved like a true philosopher. Every time you came to yourself you made a joke.' I never had a compliment that pleased me more.
Bertrand Russell
#19. You can't do anything to be funny. That's cringeworthy. If your humor comes out of a place of love every time, you don't make the joke bigger than you. The funniest comedians are in touch with their emotional level.
John Krasinski
#20. There was a time when I didn't like myself at all. I thought I was a cruel joke. But now I've come to realise that maybe I am not cute, but I am beautiful.
CeeLo Green
#22. One time when somebody showed up in a wedding dress, but I never knew if it was a joke, or she was serious. She asked me to marry her. She was serious. It was pretty funny.
Bryan White
#23. I needed time to stand back and go through a lot more experience in life. Then I have something to write about, joke or to animate.
Howie Mandel
#24. I wonder if he knows that every time I make a joke, a little piece of my heart breaks off. It's just self-defense. It seems whenever we get close, he leaves.
Adriana Trigiani
#25. I can honestly say that in my time in America, I have not encountered any racism. When Jim Thorpe and I make fun of each other on the range, or even when a white player makes a joke about my color, I take it as what it is-a joke-and give it back accordingly.
Vijay Singh
#26. I have been trying for a long time to understand God. Now I have made friends with him. To love him truly you must love change, and you must love a joke, these being the true inclinations of his own heart.
Isak Dinesen
#27. The harder I fought back every time he messed with me, the more he liked me. I bet if I set his penthouse on fire, he would laugh like it was all a big, fat joke. "Hell,
L.J. Shen
#28. Time is the only constant. For the living it never stops ... For the dead it doesn't matter ... And for the undead? For the undead, time is a joke to be laughed at!
Scott Snyder
#29. There has to be irony, both in design and in the objects. I see around me a professional disease of taking everything too seriously. One of my secrets is to joke all the time
Achille Castiglioni
#30. If mankind is naturally good, he is sure going against his nature more and more of the time. It sounds like a bad joke: the paranoids are after us.
Herbert Gold
#31. I think what makes life matter,what makes it good,is knowing that someday we'll die. Maybe death is God's joke on us but I think it is also his gift.We have our allotted time and the is's over.It's up to us to make in meaningful and special.
Philip Carter
#32. A good joke can spread throughout the Internet between the time you go to bed and the time you wake up, leading to an inbox filled with pictures of funny cats and cheeseburgers.
Rosanna Pansino
#33. Every time I get happy
the Nana-hex comes through.
Birds turn into plumber's tools,
a sonnet turns into a dirty joke,
a wind turns into a tracheotomy,
a boat turns into a corpse ...
Anne Sexton
#34. I hate Mother's Day. If anything, it's an affront to all women who think full-time moms have never worked a day in their lives. Which reminds me of a good joke: What do you call an angry feminist on Mother's Day? You don't.
Kimberly Guilfoyle
#35. My mum had four kids on her own, so if I had one kid with one nanny and not a full-time job, it would be a joke. And I think the impossible happens when you leave your kids. I've seen so many nannies in the park on their phones, and the kids are running off.
Abbey Clancy
#36. Flashing Lights In My Mind
Going Back to The Time
Playing Games in the Street
Kicking Balls with My Feet
Theres a Numb in my toes
Standing close to the edge
Theres a ball of my clothes at the end of your bed
As I feel myself fall
Make a joke of it all
One Direction
#37. When you're going for a big studio comedy, the joke tally better be pretty high, and you better have some big comedy set pieces. That was one of the issues when I was trying to get 'Swingers' made for the first time, which is that there weren't any broad comedy set pieces.
Jon Favreau
#38. The police force in America pledge to "protect and serve." That would actually be dandy if it were happening. Bill Hicks used to joke that he'd like to hijack a typically unpunctual plane and force it to go to its scheduled destination on time.
Russell Brand
#39. When you're young and you first see the extent and depth of the world's hypocrisy, it's fun to go after it. But by the time you're sixty, it's so commonplace. What's the point in ridiculing people anymore? Their existence itself is a sort of sick joke.
Harold Ramis
#40. No time for jokes," Nakamura said. "Is Neil there?"
"Let's just say I'm Sleeping Beauty's personal assistant right now."
"I guess that makes you Waking Ugly?"
"I thought you said this was no time for jokes. That was a joke, right?
Kevin Sylvester
#41. It makes me feel tired about how guarded we are the whole time. Without even trying we're ready to make a joke of everything, serving up the day with big dollops of irony and derision and cynicism. As if. Sucked in. Kidding.
Fiona Wood
#42. Passengers don't like changing planes. That means waiting time, stress, running around. There's a joke that the hub principle is supposed to have been invented by cargo firms. The baggage doesn't care where and how it's pushed around.
Stelios Haji-Ioannou
#43. Or maybe, just maybe, a small voice whispered in my head, it's not a joke, silly. Maybe he's really that worried about you. This wouldn't be the first time he's gone a little overboard trying to protect you. I sighed.
Stephenie Meyer
#44. I have done things politically, and I've been running a business at the same time, but I sort of joke that to some extent I do more than most legislators have done in their whole careers, and I've been doing it as a part-time job.
Craig Benson
#45. Is the human race a joke? Was it devised and patched together in a dull time when there was nothing important to do?
Mark Twain
#46. Time is ticking, and your online twinkling is limited.
Santosh Kalwar
#47. You can be merry with the king, you can share a joke with him. But as Thomas More used to say, it's like sporting with a tamed lion. You tousle its mane and pull its ears, but all the time you're thinking, those claws, those claws, those claws.
Hilary Mantel
#48. Cooking allows you to have travels, adventures and journeys without going anywhere. The running joke between my partner and me is that I'm not really concerned about how long it takes, or how much I destroy the kitchen, because I just have such a good time doing it.
Ted Allen
#49. Dad used to joke he only spent a few weeks hiding because of depression - the rest of the time he hid because he liked it. I always thought he was just saying it to make me feel better, but now... I think I know what he meant.
Seth Patrick
#50. Sometimes I know a joke I'm going to yell out ahead of time, but most of the time it's stream of conscious. You never really know it until you've got everyone dressed up, the set is built, all the extras are here.
Adam McKay
#51. Wonder Showzen was one of the first shows that realized each sketch, each segment is essentially one joke, and, once you know what the joke is, it's time to move on.
Eric Andre
#52. There is no reason for believing that any sort of gods exist, and quite good reasons for believing that they do not exist and never have. It has all been a gigantic waste of time and a waste of life. It would be a joke of cosmic proportions if it weren't so tragic.
Richard Dawkins
#53. Over at the Olivia Pope & Associates set, we're like middle school children. Every time there's a cut in the action, we joke and dance around; there's show tunes and fart noises.
Darby Stanchfield
#54. Have you ever heard of the theory of relativity?"
Artemis blinked. "Is this a joke? I have traveled through time, Doctor. I think I know a little something about relativity.
Eoin Colfer
#55. Did you?' the producer said. 'He's so clownish on the surface, all joke and dazzle. How in the world could you have seen it?'
'But I did. The moment I met him," she said. "A fucking supernova. Every day since.' She thought, but did not say, almost.
Lauren Groff
#56. History: the first time a joke, the second time a badly translated joke.
Aleksandar Hemon
#57. If you do a joke that's really old, then what happens is people on Reddit and Twitter just go, 'Real original, you're just doing old jokes!' But bands do it all the time.
Chris Hardwick
#58. Not everybody should be laughing at everything at the same time. That's not even natural. My thing is to feel natural, because I don't want to feel like I could just make people laugh at every single joke, every single time, with the same decibel level.
Patrice O'Neal
#59. I had no job at the time and was living off the cruel joke I referred to as my savings.
David Sedaris
#60. Tell me my little children, what crime has this lizard committed that it must die this evening?" There was silence. In raising my head like a joke, I tried to laugh. That was the same time I realized that grandma was dead serious with us.Pg.26
Obehi Peter Ewanfoh
#61. The only time when i realize that i use a car, which is a "Luxury", is when i go to the fuel station to refuel it.
Honeya
#62. I speculate that the genesis of the chicken-joke lies in some situation such as the one illustrated above, but over time the original context of the joke was lost, which left the chicken sadly decontextualized.
Ryan North
#63. Some people are so dry that you might soak them in a joke for a month and it would not get through their skins.
Henry Ward Beecher
#64. Why can't a 'bania' play hockey or football for India? Because every time he gets a corner, he opens a shop! - Old Indian Joke
Ashutosh Garg
#65. I've never really been a big fan of comedy songs, frankly. I think I enjoy the emotional payoff that the best music achieves to want to waste too much time turning good music into a joke.
Keith Murray
#66. Leo: "So ... giants who can throw mountains. Friendly wolves that will eat us if we show weakness. Evil espresso drinks. Gotcha. Maybe this isn't the best time to bring up my psycho babysitter."
Piper: "Is that another joke?
Rick Riordan
#67. Yeah, man. It's time to let de people get good herbs and smoke. Government's a joke. All dey wan' is ya smoke cigarettes and cigar. Some cigar wickeder den herb. Yeah, man, ya can't smoke cigar. Smoke herb. Some big cigar me see man wit', God bless! Me tell him must smoke herb.
Bob Marley
#68. Perhaps you are Coyote in disguise and have chosen a spectacularly inappropriate time for a joke.
Brandon Nolta
#69. I knew at the time my haircut was pretty damn god-awful, so I was just hoping that I wasn't one of the joke ones. And they put me through to Hollywood and I thought, "Well okay, maybe I'm still one of the joke ones but at least I'm not terrible?"
David Cook
#70. I felt I should have been the happiest person in the world. But I looked inside, and that happiness was only on the surface, not so deep. Beneath it was hollow. Up until that time, I had been thinking meditation was a joke, a fad and a waste of time.
David Lynch
#71. Being funny is one of my greatest strengths. I can make girls smile when they're down, and when they're having a good time, I can carry on the joke.
John Krasinski
#72. Watson loved them sour kind of jokes, which I enjoyed myself. I mean, ain't life some kind of a sour joke? Might's well laugh, that's the way him and me seen it, whether nice folks seen the joke or not. One time when Watson caught me grinning along with him, he give a wink and lifted up his hat.
Peter Matthiessen
#73. There was no joke I could make that was too offensive. I can actually remember at least one time where my mother told me something that, I was like, 'whoa!'
Seth MacFarlane
#74. In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.
Anthony Jeselnik
#75. Chance could share shit like that with his brother. Chance shared everything with his brother. To him, Quinn was some sort of superhero who occasionally got knee-walking drunk, told great stories, could crack a joke, and pissed him off from time to time.
Alex Morgan
#76. Being a parent is not for the faint of heart. I may joke about knowing fear, but the fact is, the first time I ever knew real fear was the day Charlotte, my first child, was born. Suddenly there is someone in the world you care about more than anything.
Harlan Coben
#77. The Internet was done so well that most people think of it as a natural resource like the Pacific Ocean, rather than something that was man-made. When was the last time a technology with a scale like that was so error-free? The Web, in comparison, is a joke. The Web was done by amateurs.
Alan Kay
#78. Few years ago [Donald] Trump was being roasted by Comedy Central. They always have rules about things that you can't joke about. Donald Trump's rule at that time, the only thing that you couldn't joke about was a suggestion that he has less money that he claimed to.
Ben Domenech
#79. I hadn't endured being the butt of a joke in a long time,
Tijan
#80. I hear Dylan rummaging around in the cupboards. "You want a jelly doughnut?It's the only breakfast food I've got."
"No time!I'll just snort the powdered sugar off the top."
"Bad joke, considering who I used to go out with.
Ann Redisch Stampler
#81. My favorite show tune has got to be Stephen Sondheim's "I Remember Sky." It's probably the saddest song of all time I sing it to myself in the mirror. No, I am kidding. That's the joke.
Laura Benanti
#82. In eternity there is no time, only an instant long enough for a joke.
Hermann Hesse
#83. I tell you it's no joke to paint a portrait. I wonder that I am not more timid when I begin. I feel almost certain that I can do it. It seems very simple. I don't think of the time that is sure to come when I almost despair, when the whole thing seems hopeless.
William Morris Hunt
#84. A novel wouldn't be a book if there weren't some flights of fancy on the part of the author, stopping time to examine things, or to tell a joke.
Ned Vizzini
#85. In Japan, you have no idea what they are saying, and they can't help you either. Nothing makes any sense. They're very polite, but you feel like a joke is being played on you the entire time you're there.
Bill Murray
#86. I learned a long time ago from when I did 'Seinfeld' never to take anything seriously, and to be part of the joke is the best way to show what a good sport I was.
Marlee Matlin
#87. Time for you to go all in, Joke. And time for you to stop accepting the dregs, reach for what you deserve, and take hold of butterflies.
Kristen Ashley
#88. I dropped to my knees beside him, touching his cheek.It was felt cool and clammy under my hand. "This is ... what I get ... for coming early," he gasped out, trying to smile at me.
"Please don't joke and bleed at the same time," I said as I gently lifted his hands from his chest.
Rachel Hawkins
#89. Most people are used to the T.V. comedy method of one joke every 18 seconds. And that's why it's not funny ... There's no time for anything to develop.
Ron Shock
#90. I always have the same thing - which is the fear of not getting a laugh - that I've had from the time I was a kid; obsessing over, 'This joke doesn't quite work, we've got to get this right.' I was always like that, whether I was a member of a six-person ensemble or whether I'm the center of a show.
Matthew Perry
#91. When in doubt, poke the beehive with a stick to see if anything interesting flies out.
I clapped my hands. 'I had no idea Pit teams had such pretty cheerleaders. Can you do it again, but with more spirit this time?
Ilona Andrews
#92. There was a time when "sound as a dollar" was a description, not a joke.
Ronald Reagan
#93. I have a no-apology policy. No apologies for jokes. I apologize in my real life all the time. I say ridiculous things, I make mistakes constantly. But when I'm on stage, I'm at a microphone ... it's a joke!
Kathy Griffin
#94. That's the great thing about New Year's, you get to be a year older. For me, that wasn't such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time. When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that everybody was celebrating my birthday. That's what the trees are all about.
Alan King
#95. Everybody laughed for a long time, for it was the kind of joke that seemed to grow on you. You would laugh and eventually stop. But after a few minutes you would think of the joke again, and you would burst out laughing all over again.
Zakes Mda
#96. Seriousness is an accident of time. It consists of putting too high a value on time. In eternity there is no time. Eternity is a moment, just long enough for a joke
Hermann Hesse
#97. You know that old joke about the guy who lives to be 104? The punch line goes something like 'If I knew I was gonna get this old, I'd have taken much better care of myself.' Well, guess what? We actually are living longer, and the time to start taking care of ourselves is right this minute.
Oprah Winfrey
#98. There is a somewhat time-worn joke about people taking up library work because they like to read : the joke consisting of the fact that librarians have so little time to read. But, I tell you, those who do not, and there are some, are in the wrong profession.
Mary Virginia Provines
#99. All the time the joke is that the word "mine" in its fully possessive sense cannot be uttered by a human being about anything. In the long run either [Satan] or God will say "mine" of each thing that exists, and specially of each man.
C.S. Lewis
#100. Mothers, take time to be a real friend to your children. Listen to your children, really listen. Talk with them, laugh and joke with them, sing with them, cry with them, hug them, honestly praise them. Yes, regularly spend unused one-on-one time with each child. Be a real friend to your children.
Ezra Taft Benson
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