Top 100 Humour Humor Quotes
#1. A lot of people come up here and they thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn't help me a bit. If it was up to him, Cesar Millan would be up here with that damn dog. So all I can say is, 'suck it, Jesus! This award is my God now'!
Kathy Griffin
#2. Adam pressed his hand to his face. Sighed. Right. It's just that ... He died. And I'm so freaking pissed off, I swear I'd punch him in the face if he were standing right here.
Kristina McBride
#3. Crunches are an exercise where you lie on your back and angrily try to head-butt your crotch.
Matthew Inman
#4. I have been told the best things in life are free ~ I found them very expensive.
E.A. Bucchianeri
#5. I can't forget things, or ignore them-bad things that happen," I said. "I'm a lay-it-all-out person, a dwell-on-it person, an obsess-about-it person. If I hold things in and try to forget or pretend, I become a madman and have panic attacks. I have to talk.
E. Lockhart
#6. If I could split myself into five people, I would still be behind on my writing schedule. I see now why James Patterson cloned himself so many times.
Peter James West
#8. I was tempted to tell her it was because we were British and actually had a sense of humour, but I try not to be cruel to foreigners, especially when they're that strung out.
Ben Aaronovitch
#9. Don't talk for five minutes, there's a good chap! I've a strange feeling come over me
almost as if I were going to think!
Aleister Crowley
#10. When I write, it feels like there are two little creatures that sit on each of my shoulders. One whispers, "You can do this. You've got what it takes." The other sounds like my mother-in-law.
Carla H. Krueger
#11. Time is the worst place, so to speak, to get lost in, as Arthur Dent could testify, having been lost in both time and space a good deal. At least being lost in space kept you busy.
Douglas Adams
#12. Wad Rayyes, you're a man who talks. rubbish. Your whole brain's in the head of your penis and the head of your penis is as small as your brain.
Tayeb Salih
#13. Mr. Vey, you cannot be stuffed into a locker without your consent." Dallstrom said, which may be the dumbest thing ever said in a school. "You should have resisted. That's like blaming someone who was struck by lightning for getting in the way.
Richard Paul Evans
#14. Every child needs a father. Even if he turns out to be Darth Vader.
Jackson Radcliffe
#15. Life is way too short, so try to enjoy every minute of it with a sense of humor!
Christina Scalise
#16. He quite liked dentists' waiting rooms. Waiting for dentists was good. Waiting for them was so much better than having them stick metal spikes in your mouth.
Jackson Radcliffe
#17. Prime numbers are useful for writing codes and in America they are classed as Military Material and if you find one over 100 digits you have to tell the CIA and they buy it off you for $10,000. But it would not be a very good way of making a living.
Mark Haddon
#18. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, which is a pity because this week the National Association of Beholders wrote to tell me that I've got a face like a rucksack full of dented bells.
Charlie Brooker
#19. US government button specifications run to twenty-two pages. This fact on its own yields a sense of what it is like to design garments for the Army.
Mary Roach
#20. As Carrie Fisher once said in a film, everyone thinks they have good taste and a sense of humour.
Jane Green
#21. I remembered that Beethoven's symphonies had sometimes been given names ... they should have call [the Fifth] the Vampire, because it simply refused to lie down and die.
Alan Bradley
#22. You set fire to my house, killed my family, and ate my dog. But steal my boyfriend? That's a step too far.
Libba Bray
#23. Our witness, one Edward Littleton, was as gay as Elton John's handbag.
Ann Somerville
#24. Okay, guys. Stop it. Are you going to start peeing on me to mark your territory?
Maegan Lynn Moores
#26. Forget it," I said. "Opie could be bloodthirsty, rabid, radioactive, and selling life insurance and he'd still be preferable to listening to the two of you.
John Zakour
#27. Did god make man too perfect,
So that a piece has to be removed
through circumcision?
A.J. Beirens
#28. The wild women in his lap,' my father enthused, 'laying their breasts on his head.'
There was a moment of stunned silence. Then my mother spoke slowly, with an edge to her voice. 'I think you mean "wild beasts laying their heads in his lap".'
'Do I?
Patrick Rothfuss
#29. People have many cruel expectations from writers. People expect novelists to live on a hill with three kids and a spouse, people expect children's story writers to never have sex, and people expect all great poets to be dead. And these are all very difficult expectations to fulfill, I think.
C. JoyBell C.
#30. Poverty does not always prevent a rich person from dating someone who is poor, unless the man is the one who is poor.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
#31. Civilization must be preserved,' says he.
'Civilization's doing fine,' I said. 'We just don't happen to be where it is.
Joanna Russ
#32. Otis," I said.
"Shhh," he said. "I'm incognito. Call me...Otis."
"I'm not sure that's how incognito works, but okay."
Otis, aka Otis climbed into the chair I'd reserved for Sam.
Rick Riordan
#33. Whether we are trying to buy a packet of chips or getting to know a person for a potentially important relationship, its nice to have an overview of what it/he/she contains. - Of A Sense of Self
Amrita Sarkar
#34. The first step to achieving all your goals is getting out of bed. Coffee and toast are optional.
Peter James West
#35. Thorn, Gardener, get it? More skeptical people tended to believe that the Thorn family simply named itself after their high position in the Gardeners. I had my own theory. I thought his name was Thorn because he's a giant prick.
Erica Lindquist
#36. Sorry. i just can't seem to help myself. My brain is freaking out. Two predawn mornings in a row. It doesn't know what to think, how to act. I'll have a talk with it later. Perhaps get it some counseling.
Darynda Jones
#37. Laugh and the world laughs with you.
Fart and you're on your own.
Peter James West
#38. Yossarian was moved by such intense pity for his poverty that he wanted to smash his pale. sad, sickly face with his fist and knock him out of existence
Joseph Heller
#39. How's Uncle Louis today?" "Who?" "And Aunt Maude?
Ray Bradbury
#42. An ignorant man who is regarded as knowledgeable by people who are more ignorant than him is still ignorant.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
#43. On the sixth day god created man,
on the seventh day man created god.
Now we are even.
A.J. Beirens
#44. Science seeks the right answer, humor the right wrong answer.
Brian Spellman
#45. I just want mind-boggling sex tonight, but I don't think you can beat my vibrator.
Anna Bayes
#46. The only time when i realize that i use a car, which is a "Luxury", is when i go to the fuel station to refuel it.
Honeya
#47. You seem to know a lot about it," she said. "And you do subtleties."
"Yeah. Like I've always wanted to destroy the Nine Worlds while committing suicide."
"Well, there's no need to be rude," protested Sif.
Joanne Harris
#48. Live snakes?' said one of the scribes. 'You mean-'
'Yeah,' said Locke. 'They've got scales, they slither around - snakes. Keep up.
Scott Lynch
#49. When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back
Rodney Dangerfield
#50. Rhiannon's Law #16: If it looks like a rabbit, and it hops like a rabbit, run the other way and fast. That shit is liable to tear you arm off.
J.A. Saare
#51. I welcome reviews from all readers. I take criticism well; but please ... no comments on my author face!
C.C. Alma
#52. If you can identify humor in problems then you will have less difficulties in solving them ... Most importantly, "you should be able to laugh on yourself".
Honeya
#53. Never make a person feel, that he/she is very (extra) special.. Cause, then that person starts feeling that 'You' are not worth him/her.
Honeya
#54. For a tiny instant Faith wondered whether it would benefit the doctor's investigation if he experienced a cliff fall first-hand.
Frances Hardinge
#55. I allowed an uncertain smile to cross my face, though it did so with a little reluctance, wary of being run down by some more powerful expression.
Ian Barker
#56. Gentlemen, we just siezed an airfield. That was pretty ninja.
Evan Wright
#57. She was a bitch,' Carl suddenly heard somebody say in the background, and that apparently refreshed everyone's memory.
yes, thought Carl with satisfaction. It's the good stable arseholes like us who are remembered best.
Jussi Adler-Olsen
#59. We were all used to Dad's little show-off sessions, and though they were never worthy of excitement, we always tried to humor him. (Last weekend he'd called us out to the lawn to see what a big pile of dandelions he'd weeded.)
Emily Cassel
#60. Tallish. Check. Built like a bull. Check. Were there tingles in her downstairs department? Mmhmm. Check. Her pearly gates had gone into override and the doors were ready to burst open.
Cari Silverwood
#61. Fine, but if you get yourself killed I reserve the right to flush your ashes down the toilet while I sing the theme from Titanic.
Quinn Loftis
#62. Silas consumed only one food, and it was not bananas.
Neil Gaiman
#63. And I thought kitty liter was the unlawful practice of discarding small felines along the roadside.
Robert J. Morrissette
#64. I have lived now for over a century, yet I can still say with complete confidence that no one can claim to have plumbed the depths of human misery who has not shared the fore-ends of a submarine with a camel.
John Biggins
#65. Ryan, when did you get a girlfriend?" his sister asked.
"She's not my girlfriend, Kaylen," Ryan replied. "Go away.
S. Walden
#66. If you're going to live here, staying civil is as much a duty as sitting the steps or washing dishes. Now, while I bask in the glow of another moral sermon delivered with the precision of a master fencer, hold your applause and let's get back to last night.
Scott Lynch
#67. This guy was making me tired. "Thanks for the afternoon's entertainment," I said. "I'll flush a copy of my bill down the toilet. You should be getting it in a couple of days.
John Swartzwelder
#68. Yeah, but if I don't start my nervous pacing now, I'll never have it all done in time.
Scott Lynch
#69. My indiscretion was a part of my author mystique, just like Charles Dickens and Richard Madeley.
Rosen Trevithick
#70. The primary paradox that man is superior to all the things around him and yet is at their mercy.
G.K. Chesterton
#72. The ironic humor comes from the distance between what we understand about ourselves and what is truly going on in ourselves.
Robert Olen Butler
#73. Adina appealed to the sky. "We asked for rescue and you sent us incompetent rockstar pirates with a broken ship and perfect abs?"
"Thank you, God," Petra said.
Libba Bray
#74. Something girls never understood about poker night. The real point of the card play was to razz. Razzing calls forth unbridled farm-boy humour, earthy by some standards. The best quip involves belittling someone else's penis, or turning it back on the sayer, or both.
Allan Dare Pearce
#76. Mike's brain was hardwired directly into his genitals and most higher functions appeared to have switched themselves off. In other words, he was just like most men.
Jackson Radcliffe
#77. Attracting musicians is rather like inviting flies over to tea: they are tolerable for half an hour, but when they begin to touch the food, you either wish they would go home or die.
Michelle Franklin
#78. Did I say stab of Self Pity? No, I was trekking through the Swamp of Self Pity at this point, waist deep in my own stinking shit.
Nicole Hamlett
#79. Those who can, do; those who can't, teach; those who can't teach, police grammar on the Internet.
Ruadhan J. McElroy
#80. It was long after midnight and the stars looked damp and chilly; the air was full of the busy silence of the night, which is created by hundreds of small furry things treading very carefully in the hope of finding dinner while avoiding being the main course.
Terry Pratchett
#81. Ook, though very clever, was the worst fighter in the tribe. That is how he ended up with Grot-Grot as his woman. Grot-Grot had a bald patch on the top of her head, she was missing an eye and she smelled like a dead skunk. She did have a good sense of humour though.
Aussiescribbler
#82. You're the guy who saves up his pennies to take me to a movie," she said, shaking her head as the truth of it came home to her. "I buy the popcorn. Large, of course, because I'm rich.
Michael Grant
#83. Never in all her life had she imagined that this idolized millinery could look, to those who paid for it, like the decorations of an insane monkey.
Charlotte Perkins Gilman
#84. Finally, Charlie gave up the hunt and placed (the puppy) back on the floor, dispatching fleas was not his idea of a romantic evening, unless you happened to be a twisted exterminator, he thought.
E.A. Bucchianeri
#85. Life is a huge farce, and the advantage of possessing a sense of humour is that it enables one to defy fate with mocking laughter.
George Gissing
#86. Sasha snorted. "I have never in my extremely long life seen anyone take so long to answer a question. It's like you went into your brain and got lost. you need a bread crumb, buddy?" He made a noise like he was calling his pet. "Here Lassie, here. Come back girl.
Sherrilyn Kenyon
#87. A lot of people don't get my humor. My mom calls it dry humor. I think that means "not funny," but it also means I'm the only one who ever knows it's a joke.
Kasie West
#88. In fact the bare adjective "bad" hardly scratches the surface of the man's awesome incapacity.
John Biggins
#89. You can't possibly be thinking of sending him home! He can barely walk." Meg's smile began to slip. Ambulance crews were queuing almost out the door, and all this lad needed was a stat dose of Man-the-Fuck-Up.
Cari Hunter
#90. Nahum bobbed again. 'My crest is cropped by croaking cranes. I go to drown in doleful dumps, dead-drunk with drearihead.
John Bellairs
#91. She introduced herself to my parents with one of her mighty, bunny-crushing handshakes. (I'd never seen Claudia crush a bunny, to be fair, but that's the approximate level of pressure.)
Maureen Johnson
#92. I know the human being and fish can co-exist peacefully.
George W. Bush
#93. A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.
Ricky Gervais
#95. I'm currently imagining a few creative ways of causing you extraordinary amounts of pain."
Kingsley raised his chin. Mere inches separated their faces.
"Stop flirting. You know we don't have time for that.
Tiffany Reisz
#96. I saved you," Andersen said at last, slowly but firmly, like Pat was an idiot child who had to be reminded of the basic rules of the universe. To wit: Gravity exists. Time purports to flow in a linear fashion, but it's only trying to fool us. I saved you.
Alex Gabriel
#97. Angelina leaned forward as Sara pulled Miki back to her, You know what they say about curiosity? That it stabbed the annoying biker girl over and over and over again until she spit up blood.
Shelly Laurenston
#98. Zane raised his brow. "Didn't I say that yesterday?" he asked, forcing
himself to be patient. Somehow.
"You say that like you think I listen to you," Ty responded instantly, a
smile pulling at his lips.
Abigail Roux
#100. If you ever need to confirm that a girl is worth coming back from Hell for, show her your monster arm and see what she says.
Richard Kadrey
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