Top 100 Humor Woman Quotes
#2. Man with goatee. Man who looked like a Beatle. All the Beatles at once. Woman wearing newspaper hat. I'd grown used to how weird New Yorkers were, and I could fit them into types.
Olivia Sudjic
#3. A Man who has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feeling.
William Nsubuga
#4. Were the stars against him? A woman's fingers are quicker in the sky and shine more brightly.
Graham Spaid
#5. I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
Steve Martin
#6. I love you, Derek!"
Jason tried to drag Haley back to her seat, but she fought him tooth and nail.
"I love you, Derek!"
"He knows, woman! He's known since the first inning. Let the man focus," he
said.
R.L. Mathewson
#7. The woman spoke with a heavy western North Carolina accent, which I used to discredit her authority. Here was a person for whom the word 'pen' had two syllables. He people undoubtedly drank from clay jugs and hollered for Paw when the vittles were ready
so who was she to advise me on anything?
David Sedaris
#8. Cathy was the first widely syndicated humor strip created by a woman. The strip was pretty revolutionary at the time not only because it starred a female, but also because it was so emotionally honest about all the conflicting feelings many women had in 1976.
Cathy Guisewite
#9. In passing, also, I would like to say that the first time Adam had a chance he laid the blame on a woman.
Nancy Astor
#10. Just because a woman is good at something doesn't necessarily mean it's what she should do in life. If that were the case most of the women in the Belle family would be hookers.
Paula Wall
#11. Life lesson 2, Never tell a woman that those pants make her butt look big.
John Hankins
#12. A woman can make a man feel older or younger than his years if she so chooses. Being a woman is a terribly difficult task since it consists principally in dealing with men. Women were made with a sense of humor so they could love men instead of laughing at them.
Will Rogers
#13. I would be the first to admit that my maternal instincts are not well developed
though in defense I must add that the raising of Ramses would have discouraged any woman.
Elizabeth Peters
#14. Never approach a crying woman entering a sports bar carrying a harpoon gun.
George Carlin
#15. Amor es despertar a una mujer y que no se indigne.
(Love is when you wake up a woman and she is not mad at you.)
Ramon Gomez De La Serna
#16. CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.
Jay Leno
#17. Think, guys. What was strange about the story Uncle Goerge told us?"
"That a woman outsmarted the men", Mike said. For which he received a scowl that did a thunderstorm justice.
Sigmund Brouwer
#18. You wouldn't understand.
Oh shut up, I loved just as well as you in my early years. But to court a married woman, that takes a certain shade of stupidity.
Exurb1a
#19. It takes more than balls to be a woman. It takes ovaries.
Solange Nicole
#20. After using a paint chart from a local DIY superstore to identify the skin tone of his penis as midnight chocolate, Miriam stayed down on one knee and offered him the citizenship he had always wanted and the middle-aged white woman he would grudgingly accept.
David F. Porteous
#21. A nation's not a child, for God's sake ... It's like a wild horse you tame by breaking it. Or a fiery woman you slap till she sees sense and warms your bed.
David Hewson
#22. I don't know if it's a good idea to give a woman a box of bullets when she's got a pimple.
Janet Evanovich
#23. I'll give you a hint," the woman said with a smile that held no friendliness at all. "You've slept with my husband."
"That doesn't winnow the field down as much as you think it would.
Tiffany Reisz
#24. A cat is an excuse for a lonely woman to talk to herself. That's what a cat is.
Mark Helprin
#25. If a couple has their picture taken at a wedding or other social gathering, and the woman looks hot, her guy could be blinking, chewing, or even mid-sneeze, and she'll still display it on her desk at work.
Brian P. Cleary
#26. Who's that?" Yngve said, nodding discreetly in the direction of a woman. She wore a hat with a veil that concealed her face. "No idea," I said. "But all self-respecting funerals have a woman no one recognizes." We laughed. "Well, the danger's over now," Yngve said, and we both laughed again.
Knausgaard, Karl Ove
#27. It's only one date. I can do it. And you'll probably lose interest afterward."
"No other woman's ever needed to give herself a pep talk to spend time with me."
"That you know of.
Ann Bruce
#28. One of the first things I look for in a woman I meet is a sense of humor, a sort of light acceptance of the world and the people who live in it.
Adam West
#29. So, Azalee - " When he turned to her, she stared daggers back - almost as though she had read his mind. Can Chertzes do that? he wondered in a wild moment of panic.
"What?" bit Azalee when he didn't continue.
Mighty Zeus, could he go five minutes without offending a woman?
Deidre Huesmann
#30. Why not use some of those amazing powers of yours to give the poor woman a little satisfaction?
Lucian Bane
#31. During the late Victorian period, one English woman in Hampshire who suffered from fits reportedly ate an entire New Testament in an attempt to cure her illness, putting each page in the middle of a sandwich.
Martyn Lyons
#32. But then, shall I never get any older than I am now? That'll be a comfort, one way
never to be an old woman
but then
always to have lessons to learn!
Lewis Carroll
#33. People will buy anything at jumble sales,' I said. 'At the Evacuated Children Charity Fair a woman bought a tree branch that had fallen on the table.
Connie Willis
#34. I value each woman for what she has to offer whether it be charm-beauty-wit-intelligence or humor but warmth is the quality I value most.
Marlon Brando
#35. It did not seem possible, much as he craved the comfort of a woman of intelligence, of humor and balance and perception.
Julie Powell
#36. You're not a woman," he said finally. "You're the Grim Reaper with red hair!
Jeaniene Frost
#37. I will never deny that life isn't fair. It seems as though when a woman leaves a man she is strong and independent, but when a man leaves a woman he is a pig and a jerk.
Criss Jami
#38. You want us to bargain with a lizard?"
"They're not lizards, Father. They're extraordinary creatures who were
here long before any human was crawling on this earth. They are warriors
and scholars and - "
"He has long hair like a woman," one of Sigmar's sons blathered
G.A. Aiken
#39. What do you buy a woman to get back on her good side when you've made her really, really angry? Cake? Fudge?"
The wrinkles on the old man's face scrunched together as he frowned.
"How angry did you make her boy?"
"She set my car on fire.
Alanea Alder
#40. Touched by an angel, my ass!" roared the woman, whom I recognized despite the ash covering her face: Moondance. "I'll touch you, asshole!" She fired again.
Carol Goodman
#41. You and I both know that love is for children,' he said. 'We're adults. Compatibility is for adults.'
'Compatibility is for my Bluetooth and my car,' Teresa replied. 'Only they get along just fine, and my car never makes my bluetooth feel like shit.
Maggie Stiefvater
#42. To a man and woman, all of her elderly patients had been surprised to be old - which Avery privately regarded as a serious failure to pay attention.
Lionel Shriver
#43. If you want a woman, you have to take her accessories, end of story.
Beverley Andi
#44. It's the only thing sexier than a sexy woman. A sexy woman cooking fuckin' sausages.
Roddy Doyle
#46. Please do not masturbate while I do your feet. I cannot take another moaning horny white woman this week.
Avery Aster
#47. You do know you're a woman, right?" I ask.
"Are you sure?" Olivia asks with an astonished face. "I thought I had a penis.
Katelin LaMontagne
#48. It must have been perfectly dreadful to see a woman every day for five years, and not give her a pie, when you felt sure yours were better than she could make.
Gene Stratton-Porter
#49. Jean sat at the end of the bar, watching Jerry Springer as she drew deeply on a long cigarette. The woman smoked like a freight train, especially while watching talk shows.
Rose Wynters
#50. Am I going crazy? Am I supposed to believe that God is a big black woman with a questionable sense of humor?
William Paul Young
#51. Baby, you're so much of a woman, you turn me off when I hold you.
Rhys Ford
#52. Sometimes I think if I had to choose between an ear of corn or making love to a woman, I'd choose the corn.
Sara Gruen
#53. My dream is to be Endora in Bewitched. That's the part I want to do. I want to do a fabulous old woman. I want to be Maggie Smith someday. Not exactly like her, but that genre. I like that kind of humor - sophisticated, vain stuff.
Jackee Harry
#54. With Angela drawn to the hangdog look and Malachy lonely after three months in jail, there was bound to be a knee-trmbler.
A knee-trmbler is the act itself done up against a wall, man and woman up on their toes, straining so hard their knees tremble with the excitement that's in it.
Frank McCourt
#55. Hey! Shouts Camel. There ain't no woman in the world worth two bottles of whiskey!
Sara Gruen
#56. Verne frowned. "Calm down. Don't exert yourself in your condition."
Salen looked at Verne in amazement. "Don't exert --! My dear woman, we are all about to die! I don't think it damn well matters if I shit my pants at this point --
Ash Gray
#57. How to get in trouble #43: I was once caught staring at a woman's breasts, when she asked "why do you keep staring on my breasts?", I replied with "because your face is ugly
Haresh Daswani
#58. Did you know that if Barbie was a real woman with those proportions, she'd have to carry her kidneys in her purse?
Lani Diane Rich
#59. That woman doesn't have the sense God gave a retarded flea.
Nora Roberts
#60. One pretty woman means fun at the dance. Two pretty women means trouble in the house. Three pretty women means run at the hills.
Robert Jordan
#61. You're only a man! You've not our gifts! I can tell you! Why, a woman can think of a hundred different things at once, all them contradictory!
Georgette Heyer
#62. My body - I do not fall to pieces and be reduced to a big pile of lovable mush over a woman, never!
A.R. Von
#63. I spent most of my youth hauling sides of beef and pork to my father's shop. Carrying you is far more enjoyable."
"How sweet," Annabelle mumbled sickly, her eyes closed. "Every woman dreams of being told that she's preferable to a dead cow.
Lisa Kleypas
#64. A woman could love a jackass. She could not love a son of a bitch. Many have tried, Gideon. Many have tried.
Deanna Raybourn
#65. When did you become a woman?"-Hatori
How dare you ask that after you have seen me naked so many times ... "-Yuki
GASP! No it cant be! Yuki-kun, does that mean ... " fan club girls
NO! He's my doctor ... "Yuki
Natsuki Takaya
#66. You're an investigator - can't nobody find stuff out like a woman. Y'all put the police to shame, make the little investigative tricks they show on CSI and Law & Order: SVU look like counting lessons on Sesame Street.
Steve Harvey
#67. Oh the wonders of being married. Put a gun in one hand and a woman in the other, I'm never sure who's going to kill me first.
Michael W. Grimard
#68. Ned: I figured it was time for a picnic by the menagerie.
Jenny: And you brought me? Why not take the woman you're marrying?
Ned: She's grown up with the Duke of Ware. Lions seem less ferocious.
Courtney Milan
#69. And spare me the jokes about scoring."
"Dammit, woman, you read my mind," he said. "Is there no filthy wordplay you can't forsee?"
"It's my special magical power. I can read your mind when you're thinking dirty thoughts."
"So, ninety-five percent of the time.
Cassandra Clare
#70. Look guys, I am your worst nightmare. I'm a woman with a badge, a gun, and PMS. Are you really sure you want to piss me off any more tonight?
K.V. McMillan
#71. He whipped out his sheet, then pulled it over himself and wrapped it tightly around his face like an old woman in a shawl.
'How do I look?'
'Like the ugliest shanky girl I've ever seen,' Minho responded. 'You better thank the gods above you were born a dude.'
'Thanks.
James Dashner
#72. Rubbish!" screamed a fat, elderly woman, in Richard's ear, as he passed her malodorous stall. "Junk!" She continued. "Garbage! Trash! Offal! Debris! Come and get it! Nothing whole or undamaged! Crap, tripe, and useless piles of shit. You know you want it.
Neil Gaiman
#73. Yup," Heather replied. "Some jackass tries to prick me and I'm gonna prick him right back! Leave the bottle, bucko. Save ya a trip.
Jacob D. Lochner
#74. I'm sorry. I can't serve him that item," the waitress said, only somewhat surprising her since she had a pretty good idea why.
"Why not?" she found herself asking anyway out of curiosity to see if she was right.
***
"Because he's a Bradford," the woman explained with a shrug.
R.L. Mathewson
#75. To see a man's true colours, tell him that you don't plan on having sex with him. To see a woman's true colours, tell her that you don't plan on marrying her.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
#76. She swept away, putting an extra kink into her walk. I would not have thought that a woman with an ass that bony could make it wiggle so much but she proved me wrong.
Ilona Andrews
#77. I thank Lord Brahma that your preference doesn't extend to a man being loyal to same woman for many lifetimes!
Amish Tripathi
#78. Pumpkin, stop rubbing your ass against me. We gotta go! I don't have time to do you now. Prioritize, woman.
Kylie Scott
#79. A Beautiful Woman Is A Baggage. Thank God Yours Is A Suit Case
Maurys Gaucho
#80. THERE ARE SOME MEN who enter a woman's life and screw it up forever. Joseph Morelli did this to me - not forever, but periodically.
Janet Evanovich
#81. The fat woman's expression implied that she would go crazy on the spot if anybody did any more thinking.
Kurt Vonnegut
#82. I yearn to be a woman of more depth, but I'm not so fond of the path I'd need to follow to get there.
Jen Lancaster
#83. Could we go into your room?" she asked. "I knew it. I knew it," he said, spinning around and sliding quickly toward his door. "It's finally happend, just like in dreams. An intelligent, beautiful woman is going to declare her undying affection
Arthur C. Clarke
#84. The woman must look like the weathered side of a rotted fence post if she had to get a man this way.
Lindsey Brookes
#85. I hate women who complain about being fat when they're like a size 5. Anything under size 5 isn't a woman. It's a boy with breasts.
Laurell K. Hamilton
#86. If you don't understand how a woman could both love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time, then you were probably an only child.
Linda Sunshine
#87. Just like a woman to do things on her own time.
Susan Lower
#88. I will say that as I get older and calmer and quieter in my own self, the one quality in a woman that I find more and more attractive is kindness. A sense of adventure and humor is important too, but I truly find kindness and consideration for others to be the most attractive thing in anyone.
Colin Farrell
#89. They say a woman's loyalty only lasts as long as it takes her to hang up and dial again.
Kim Gatlin
#90. For a man, he has to learn how to get along without a woman for periods of time. For a woman, she has to learn how to get along without a man for periods of time. That's how men and women learn to be able to get along with each other.
Art Hochberg
#91. Ook, though very clever, was the worst fighter in the tribe. That is how he ended up with Grot-Grot as his woman. Grot-Grot had a bald patch on the top of her head, she was missing an eye and she smelled like a dead skunk. She did have a good sense of humour though.
Aussiescribbler
#92. At the departure gate, a drunken airport security woman was handing out box cutters to the passengers.
Warren Ellis
#93. They call me the confuser. Is he a man ... is he a woman? Ooh, I'm not sure if I mind.
Noel Fielding
#95. I want Little Noah looking like a beat-up mess by the time he's eighteen."
"Why?"
"Cause no woman wants a delicate man. He needs to be sporting at least five scars.
S. Walden
#96. Okay, woman. Spit that canary out and wipe those feathers off your chin. What the heck happened to you? Last night you were crying over a laxative commercial on TV.
Katherine Allred
#97. She laughed - a bit louder than I could have wished in my frail state of health, but then she is always a woman who tends to bring plaster falling from the ceiling when amused.
P.G. Wodehouse
#98. You just turned down the woman who put a marshmallow duck in your hot chocolate. I hope you feel like a real asshole now.
Rachel Vincent
#100. Hit ain't sacrilege. Miss Effie Belle says when she cain't think what to have for dinner, she asts God and right off He gives her an idea. To my thinkin', thet's sacrilege."
Miss Love really laughed. "There's not a woman in the world who hasn't prayed what to cook for dinner, Rucker!
Olive Ann Burns
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