Top 100 Humor Relationships Quotes
#1. Making love to me is amazing. Wait, I meant: making love, to me, is amazing. The absence of two little commas nearly transformed me into a sex god.
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
#2. I don't do relationships because I don't want to love and lose myself.
J.C. Reed
#4. Okay, then, what was he like? Just give me something to go on so that I have a shot at him!'
'A shot at him? Are you on an elk hunt?
Sara Zarr
#5. Bitterblue had never seen a man naked, and she was curious. She decided the universe owed her a few minutes, just a few, to satisfy her curiosity. So she went to him and knelt, which shut him up.
Kristin Cashore
#6. I don't see how being married could be any worse than listening to you talk for twenty years, but that still ain't much of a recommendation for it.
Larry McMurtry
#8. I had a dream about you last night. We stopped telling each other about our dreams when we realized we were still inside them.
Michael Summers
#9. He comes.
And he comes
loaded
with noise pollution.
If I ever prayed for anything,
it was for a man
to shut up.
Casey Renee Kiser
#10. If you want a woman, you have to take her accessories, end of story.
Beverley Andi
#12. Divorce is not always a doorway to happiness. The same can be said about marriage.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
#13. Trust is not hoping your partner will love you; it is KNOWING that they DO.
Julieanne O'Connor
#14. Right, if I told you, I'd have to kill you."
Emma frowned. "If you kill me, you aren't getting any nookie." She wrinkled her nose. "And if you are, that's really sick.
Dana Marie Bell
#15. I unwrapped my love for her like one might unwrap leftovers. Gotta eat up the old stuff first, as a cannibal might say in a retirement home.
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
#16. Wow, he must get more ass than a toilet seat!
Kresley Cole
#17. Trying to figure out a person that you don't know is like foreplay
with no consummation.
Jacqueline Simon Gunn
#18. So are you happy? he asks.
I hate it when anyone asks me that. It's such a loaded fucking question. Are they talking aggregate years? Doesn't it depend on the day, the moment? Or are they referring to last year or last month?
Terry McMillan
#19. I looked at the stained-glass image of the lamb in the window above me, but that only reminded me that lambs are famous for being led to slaughter, or sometimes hanging out with lions in ill-advised relationships.
Maureen Johnson
#20. I do find that humor helps in relationships. It certainly helps in my marriage now because I'm a very, very fallible person. And if I wasn't funny I'd be kicked right out the door.
Robert Mankoff
#21. I am afraid it is quite clear, Cecily, that neither of us is engaged to be married to any one.
Oscar Wilde
#22. Focus. She's Maddie. Your friend. Would you eyeball Keith or Dane's butt like that? ~ Zach
Monique DeVere
#23. Normally writers do not talk much,because they are saving their conversations for the readers of their book-
those invisible listeners with whom we wish to strike a sympathetic chord.
Ruskin Bond
#24. I had a dream about you last night, for the millionth time! We did what we always do in my dreams. We talked, but we never made out. How come I still dream about you if we never freaking make out?
Crystal Woods
#25. I had a dream about you. You were an escalator, and I was a flight of stairs. You thought I was a Luddite, and I thought I was as ostrich, because I hadn't figured out how to put the fly in flight. One day you broke down, and then you saw that you and I weren't so different after all.
Dora J. Arod
#27. You want him praising the Lord in the morning, you put a smile on his face tonight.
Mark Gungor
#28. Oh, no. This has "marriage" written all over it. Travis, read my lips: remember that Fellini film with the prostitute who says that every new sunrise makes her a virgin? It doesn't work that way with me. Even the sun thinks I'm a slut.
Steve Kluger
#29. Mom actually said that?" Cassie's face shown with happiness. "She always hated my math!"
"Nah," Martin said. "She was just being that way for you. She thought it was what you needed to hear. If parents told us what they really think about stuff, we could figure them out like regular people.
Clare B. Dunkle
#31. I wish for you four animals: a mink on the shoulders, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and a jackass to pay for it all. To you!
John Oldale
#32. Until the notion of Helmet-Assisted Life catches on with more people, you may be seen as a threat if you wear a helmet during moments of intimacy. Yet it might also be true that relaxed intimacy cannot occur unless the head is fully protected.
Ben Marcus
#33. I want you to lie to me just as sweetly as you know how for the rest of my life.
F Scott Fitzgerald
#34. He realized with sudden clarity that the power axis in a conflict shifted once your adversary had heard you plead for divine intervention while her hands and mouth and body brought you to screaming climax on her kitchen table.
Jane Rainwater
#35. Keep your southern fried bullshit to yourself. And know this, Charlie is the sweetest girl I've ever met and if you hurt her, or infect her with some kind of disease, you will die. Slowly.
Eve Dangerfield
#36. This isn't so much romance as it is opportunity [victor mancini]
Chuck Palahniuk
#37. There's pretty much no way for me to answer that without sounding like an asshole, so maybe you could do me a solid and not make me.
Alex Potvin
#38. Boys say they don't mind how you get your hair done. But then they leave you for someone with really great standard girl hair and the next thing you know you're alone with a masculine crop crying into your granola.
Alexa Chung
#39. Poverty does not always prevent a rich person from dating someone who is poor, unless the man is the one who is poor.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
#40. It is possible to compromise in certain areas when choosing a partner for life, but never on a cravat.
Amanda Grange
#41. Darling, I would follow you through the blackest midnight - just not without my trousers!
Seth Adam Smith
#42. To my hens, I'm a two-legged giant who throws them corn and keeps stealing their eggs.
David Mitchell
#43. I had a dream about you. At first you were a mannequin, and I was a fashion designer. Then, inexplicably, we switched roles and I became the mannequin. But instead of putting clothes on me, you laughed at my nakedness, and you sold me to the owner of a sex shop.
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
#44. For someone who is supposed to be a knight in shining armor, you're acting like an ass in aluminum foil.
Lisa Logue
#45. He was the yin to my yang, the sparkly jumpsuit to my Elvis.
Brooke Moss
#46. I had a dream about you. Your skin was sandpaper and your armpits were hollow, filled with dark chocolate and prunes. You offered me coffee and when I said no you handed me black coffee with a note that read "12 reasons not to drink coffee". I knew we would get along.
Melody Sohayegh
#47. I was trying to decide if you still had free will as a wolf. If I was a terrible person for planning to drug my girlfriend and drag her back to my house to keep in the basement.
Maggie Stiefvater
#48. I will never deny that life isn't fair. It seems as though when a woman leaves a man she is strong and independent, but when a man leaves a woman he is a pig and a jerk.
Criss Jami
#50. Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with.
Candace Bushnell
#51. It felt like I had a thousand packs of Strawberry Pop Rocks simultaneously detonating in my chest, and I dilated at least eight centimeters!
Piper Faust
#52. In relationships with a directors, I want to be able to give and take, and I can't name what it is: respect, energy, investment in the task, focus, humor, intelligence, but I always feel responsible for taking the money.
Harrison Ford
#53. Prideful fool. It hurt his feelings that he couldn't make my crazy go away. You know how men are. Always trying to fix things can't be fixed.
Ken Wheaton
#54. The only difference between kids and jungle animals is pants. Kids wear them. Jungle animals don't.
Denis Leary
#55. Zaphod Beeblebrox, adventurer, ex-hippie, good-timer (crook? quite possibly), manic self-publicist, terribly bad at personal relationships, often thought to be completely out to lunch.
Douglas Adams
#56. Sorry, but I'd rather sit home eating Vienna sausage straight from the can watching Andy Griffith reruns than be forced to dine with that Oompa-Loompa!
Piper Faust
#57. 'It's not you, it's me.'
'Oh God. That's exactly what my last three boyfriends said when they dumped me. Is it in the Y-Chromosome User's Manual or something?'
He grinned. 'On page five. But, you know, don't tell anyone I told you.'
Kim Fielding
#58. Kids are supposed to relax on vacations, and enjoy themselves, not sitting in the back seat of a car making peace with death and gripping a rosary because Mom is playing chicken with oncoming cars in the mountains.
Joshua David Swift
#59. This girl who's slept a hundred years has something after all. It's called Centuryitis, and it has turned me into a man. Oh, what will mamma think when she sees me?!
-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz
Karen Quan
#60. She spoke under her breath to Nick. "Is there a reason he's only wearing one sock?" "He puked on his foot." "Oh." She turned back to Huxley. "Can we get you another sock? Maybe a blanket or something?
Julie James
#61. A woman could love a jackass. She could not love a son of a bitch. Many have tried, Gideon. Many have tried.
Deanna Raybourn
#62. Maybe I shouldn't scare off my date so quickly by shooting guns and telling stories about vomit, but, hey, the sooner he knows the real me, the better.
Vicki Lesage
#63. It had its moments," I said. "I'll be damned if it didn't have its moments.
David Lozell Martin
#64. Honestly, you needn't think it's easy to be the "badly brought up" central figure of a hypocritical family in hiding.
Anne Frank
#65. I knew it," she snapped. "You're no different from all men. You're just another jerk pretending to be single! I didn't wanna wrap a lie into a Christmas present anyway.
Maha Erwin
#66. You know what really fries my Puerto rican pancakes?
Mark Gungor
#67. Just because you're in the market for a minivan doesn't mean you can't test drive a hotrod.
Inez Kelley
#68. Can I have a glass of water?" Her voice was hoarse, probably from screaming. She'd always sounded like that after they'd-
He didn't just force the thought aside. He clubbed it unconscious, threw it into a crawl space and walled it up alive.
Jenny Trout
#69. I know I only want him,' she said between sobs, the syllables all wrong, 'because he doesn't want me. How is that even possible?'
'It's normal to want what we can't have,' I said soothingly.
'No, I mean how can he not want me?
Olivia Sudjic
#70. When your dreams turn into a nightmare, it's time to wake up.
Rachelle Ayala
#71. Statistically speaking, there is a 65 percent chance that the love of your life is having an affair. Be very suspicious.
Scott Dikkers
#72. Continue to love each other, something I discover is not an automatic state but must be worked at, like an ever-changing tactical problem, though I would never describe it that way to my beloved
Garth Nix
#73. Emotional states are fairly quick bursts of neuronal gossip. Traits, on the other hand, are more like the neuronal equivalent of committed relationships.
Yongey Mingyur
#74. They say that time is relative. I think the way it's treating me it's a distant one, maybe a bad uncle, and not welcome in my house this Christmas!!
Neil Leckman
#75. I had a dream about you. You were lost in a daydream, when I walked in and you began screaming. But I know that could never actually happen. In real life I only enter people's nightmares.
Bauvard
#76. Watch it, buster. There's only room for one sarcastic malcontent in this relationship.
Christine Warren
#77. Sometimes, something meaningless occurs, somewhere with meaning.
F. Thomas Vincent
#78. Love is a two-way street constantly under construction.
Carroll Bryant
#79. Whether we are trying to buy a packet of chips or getting to know a person for a potentially important relationship, its nice to have an overview of what it/he/she contains. - Of A Sense of Self
Amrita Sarkar
#80. Trying to fall out of love is like trying to climb a mountain. Blindfolded, on crutches, naked in a hail storm.
Louise Caiola
#81. Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys
either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.
Eugene Mirman
#82. She told me she loved me. She told me a lot of things. Some of those things were true, and some of those may or may not have been true. It's kind of hard to tell, because to be honest, I wasn't listening.
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
#83. If all I have to do is remain awake to be considered romantic, than I can promise you a great deal of romance in our marriage.
Sherry Thomas
#84. Suzanne sat in Roger's chair, staring at the reflection of her dread morning face. Roger browsed his cassette rack. "Do you want calming or stimulating?" he asked her.
Suzanne mulled it over for a few moments. It was a question she had asked herself about men.
Carrie Fisher
#85. Your never over the hill to find true love because sometimes, that's where it is
Benny Bellamacina
#86. We made love like a half a minute. I brought the thirty seconds, and she provided the excuse as to why she didn't have enough time to have sex with me.
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
#87. I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
#88. A pair of great heels was much more satisfying than a man. They lasted longer, and better yet, they didn't leave me for someone prettier.
Cindi Madsen
#89. Wearing a condom is like eating an icecream cone with a sock on your tongue.
Mark Gungor
#90. In WASP families, if you don't get along with someone, you have as little to do with them as possible. In Jewish families, you move next door, to make them as miserable as possible.
Doreen Orion
#91. Crying all the time had made her more beautiful. Grief will do that sometimes. Not for me. Loretta had left months ago and I still looked like hell.
Junot Diaz
#92. I had an awful time quitting jobs. It was so irresponsible, and being inherently irresponsible, I knew I had to be vigilant. So instead I would make them fire me. I have had girlfriends who employ this strategy in relationships, which is bad, but in regards to employment it is ok.
Michelle Tea
#93. We'd even devised the Buffy scale of life relationships: you start off wanting Xander, spend your twenties going out with Spike and setttle down with giles.
Jenny Colgan
#94. I smile quietly. She is with me all the time. I feel stupid now, for not seeing it sooner. But hey, at least we'll have this strange story to tell, love and death and blood and daddy-issues. And holy crap, I am a psychiatrist's wet dream.- Cas Lowood, Anna Dressed in Blood
Kendare Blake
#95. Ariadne made an impression on you, and that's great. But life is not literature. Sooner or later, the spell wears off, the romantic feelings disappear, and you're left watching somebody's body disintegrate. You start with a love story, you end up manacled to an hourglass, watching the sands run out.
Paul Murray
#96. I had a dream about you. We installed Dr. Robert Jarvik's artificial heart in a mannequin and brought it to life, only to later kill it because a creature that's all fake heart and no brain is what's commonly called a "politician," and must be destroyed.
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
#97. Elizabeth Bennet, will you do me the great honor of not going to prom with me?
Elizabeth Eulberg
#98. I had a dream about you last night ... shortly after I woke up screaming in terror.
Amy Summers
#99. I had a dream about you last night.
We moved into a cabin in the countryside.
I couldn't handle the spiders.
You couldn't handle my drama.
I moved back to the city.
Michael Summers
#100. I had a dream about you last night ... Well I say dream I mean nightmare ... you were a Yankee fan.
Nicole McKay
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