Top 100 Horror Humor Quotes
#1. Don't tell me it's going to fucking be okay! I am not okay with being that fucker's pinata!
Nenia Campbell
#2. Were faulty embalming and premature decay a dead hypochondriac's worst fears?
E.V. Iverson
#3. Leaning forward in the chair, Harley squeezed out a controlled fart, so no one could hear it. This damn reception area was like a echo chamber. If he weren't careful, it could reverberate around the hall like a shotgun blast.
Alan Kinross
#4. Horror. I can't manage it. I become
well
horrified. Self-help books have a similar effect.
When asked, "Any literary genre you simply can't be bothered with?" - (By the Book: Writers on Literature and the Literary Life from the NYT Book Review, by Pamela Paul)
Emma Thompson
#5. You have really nice teeth, Terry said and thought they could be excellent for his collection of human body parts.
Jonas Eriksson
#6. If you let something scare you to death, then the worst has happened.
D.E. Athkins
#7. Terry loved candlelight dinners and red wine. It was a nice contrast from work.
And killing people.
Jonas Eriksson
#8. He was a strange mix of Heinrich Himmler and Barney the Dinosaur.
Jonas Eriksson
#9. I'm Allen Walker!"
My life....is over...I'm going to die....
Katsura Hoshino
#10. Gage wants to know more about his neighbor, Miss Dupree the one who keeps getting undressed at night with the curtains open and the lights on.In mock horror,Parker swung in his chair. Hey! you and Ashley are Gage's neighbors!
Richie Tankersley Cusick
#11. You'd have been scared too if that big troglodyte had put his hands on you. He smelled like dirty socks and store brand cola. Chet Andrews
Aaron Crabill
#12. Ever since I saw you" - she pulled me closer and draped both of my legs over her shoulders. Her eyes blazed with hunger - "I have just wanted to eat you up.
Elizabeth Morgan
#13. This is my favorite part of the hunting. Getting to know them . Hearing their legends. I want them to be as large in my mind as they can possibly be, and when I see them I don't want to be disappointed.
Kendare Blake
#14. Prepare yourself for some bad news: Ronald Reagan's library just burned down. Both books were destroyed. But the real horror: He hadn't finished coloring either one of them.
Gore Vidal
#15. Well, she asked, how do you gentlemen like living in a haunted house?
It's perfectly fine, Luke said, perfectly fine. It gives me an excuse to have a drink in the middle of the night.
Shirley Jackson
#16. And if you dont come back from the dorm, I'm the one who has to explain to Micheal how I let you go off and get yourself killed like a Dumbass. First rule in horror movies, Clair-Never split up!
Rachel Caine
#17. Who knew death could lead to an eating disorder?
Corey Redekop
#18. The northern star changes its position every ten thousand years, but friendships can last for all eternity.
- RJPeters
R.J. Peters
#19. The way humor's usually used in horror, it's as a pressure-release valve; without it, the drama would escalate out of all control almost immediately.
Stephen Graham Jones
#20. You saw what I saw, right? Adrienne doing something nice for Xarissa of her own free will.
I think I did, said G.A
Lunette stared into the unknown. This has to be a sign of the coming apocalypse We are all going to die.
Emily Kirby
#21. Horror is like the humor, the one without the other can't exist. Horror makes life more interesting like the humor!
Deyth Banger
#24. Good luck is just bad luck with its hair combed.
Stephen King
#25. I felt like the blonde in every horror movie who hears a noise in the basement and goes to investigate alone. Sometimes you smell the stupid all around you, but you step in it anyway.
Ann Aguirre
#26. You pray to God to save you. I'll stick with Smith & Wesson. We'll see who is alive in the morning.
Raegan Butcher
#27. I'm looking at some comedic horror films because I have often been accused of being too dark. I'm not dark, not compared with 'Saw' or anything like that. So I'm looking at live-action horror films, but not slasher ones - ones that have humor and maybe some social satire.
Henry Selick
#28. His hand snapped shut over the device and then he crossed his arms. Aria stared in horror. Her Smarteye was buried in a Neanderthal's armpit.
Veronica Rossi
#29. Quite often, intent on conveying how things can go wrong for a culture (science fiction) or an individual (horror) or all of magical creation (fantasy), works of fantastika often preclude comedy, because humor gets in the way of messages of doom or struggle.
Paul Di Filippo
#30. The silent horror of Archie's ordeal had been temporarily replaced by the howling, agonising pain of the blood refusing to drain from his penis, the end of which was a deep purple verging on black where Officer Griff had tested how hard it was by using the back of his hand to give it a solid twang.
Dylan Perry
#31. Nothing says you care like sending someone a kitten.
Brian South
#32. What are you going to fill it with?" she asks. "Holy water or something?"
"Probably Dasani," Thomas replies.
Kendare Blake
#33. I always said I acted like a twelve-year old, so I decided to write like a twelve-year old.
Terri Bertha
#34. It's all there-the boredom, the devotion, the horror and even the humor in an industrial war fought on a global scale that we'll never see again. Unit histories just do not get any better.
Barrett Tillman
#35. So I suggest you stick close, pay attention, and avoid breaking the Terrorverse's only commandment: Thou shall not be stupid.
Seth Grahame-Smith
#36. I think everyone should have a problem with zombies on fire.
Faith McKay
#37. Most of the laugh tracks on television were recorded in the early 1950's. These days, most of the people you hear laughing are dead.
Chuck Palahniuk
#38. This is why it is important never to pick or smell flowers, and to always wear headgear when admiring them.
Brian South
#39. When am I going to learn to stop questioning authority and just eat the Soylent Green?
Red Tash
#40. There are the horror fans that love the 'Evil Dead' because of the humor, but I'm sure it's not all of them. Not all horror fans love 'Evil Dead' because of the humor, at least not me.
Fede Alvarez
#41. I had a dream about you. We were actors in a horror movie and I was hunting you down with a knife. When I finally cornered you the director yelled "Cut".... What? I can't be blamed for following instructions.
Georgia Saratsioti
#42. Whoa!" I jerked my hand up to stop him. "Wait, what?" I asked as sick horror shot through me. "You mean, like when the bodies get cut open?"
Delight lit his face. "Yes, you'll be helping with the autopsies. You didn't know that?
Diana Rowland
#43. Nonsense! I have merely come to terms with the fact that I am perfect, and I have decided life must go on, and I must learn to live with myself ...
C.N. Faust
#44. Horror has been a genre since the beginning of cinema, all the way back to the days of silent films. I don't think it will ever go away because it's so universal. Humor doesn't always travel to other countries, but horror does.
John Carpenter
#45. Keep driving," said a soft voice in my ear. "She will not bite if you keep driving."
Fuck that. Fuck that idea like the fucking Captain of the Thai Fuck Team fucking at the fucking Tour de Fuck.
David Wong
#46. Think about scary movies: There's a fine line between horror and humor.
Roy Blount Jr.
#47. The smell slaps me sideways. Like when Mom grabs a container she forgot about from the back of the fridge and she says, "Here Mickey, smell this and see if it's still good," and I open it and take a whiff before noticing the fuzz. Like that.
Mick Bogerman
#48. Snow came back, but she didn't come back right.
Rob E. Boley
#49. Hello?" he asked as he went ... just so that anyone intent on killing him would know exactly where to look.
Stephen King
#51. I like stories about supervillains. They teach children that you can accomplish great things even when the whole world is against you.
G.D. Falksen
#52. I can't believe that she's questioning the existence of magic when she's standing before me dead and talking.
Kendare Blake
#53. I'll let you in on a secret. I don't drink coffee."
I genuinely gasped in horror. "The devil you say. Java is the nectar of the gods. I don't know if I can be with a man who doesn't drink coffee." I knew there was something sinister about him. I had no idea it would be that bad.
Charlie Cochet
#54. There are some young almond tress, which ordinarily look as if drawn by a childish hand. Now, as the wind sets their weak branches gibbering, they seem like shamanistic scratches on the white bone of the brittle bright night.
John Collier
#55. Oh, I love you, June, I really do. It's just that you sounded so ... twat-ish just then.
Red Tash
#56. Language is a city to the building of which every human being brought a stone.
Eric Garner
#57. Their laughter was like the stridulation of the ghosts of grasshoppers.
John Collier
#58. The less one knows about meat, the more one is able to enjoy it. Meat tastes wonderful, of course, but as with the lad hawking hard-to-find wares at unbelievable prices, it's best not to ask too many questions.
Brian South
#59. Blood is really warm,
it's like drinking hot chocolate
but with more screaming.
Ryan Mecum
#60. My family has a Christmas tradition: Every year, they kill my mom.
James Aquilone
#61. Ms. Fang is the nicest, sweetest teacher at Scary School. She only ate twelve kids last year.
Derek The Ghost
#62. I don't remember ever signing up for weird. It just sort of happened.
Justin Alcala
#64. Brunch is such an odd thing. It was created by fat, lazy people who were too lazy to wake up at a reasonable hour and too fat to wait until the next proper time for dining.
Brian South
#65. You are fifty different kinds of twisted."
"Only fifty? Val, you wound me.
Nenia Campbell
#66. I like him, he thought in horror... shit. I like him.
Holly Black
#67. Rap un zeal' Demon within. I might as well put up a giant 'Come and Get Eaten' sign for the good those warning runes do.
Sabrina Zbasnik
#68. We didn't-?" I whisper, my mouth drying in mortified horror as I can't complete the question. I stare at my hands.
"Anastasia, you were comatose. Necrophilia is not my thing. I like my women sentient and receptive," he says dryly.
E.L. James
#69. The world's full of wonder, he said. Or at least horror that looks wondrous from afar.
Luke Scull
#70. Clowns are vicious
they're all nefarious grins
and if you hung out with a bunch of clowns in a bar, pretty soon it would turn into a horror movie. Nefarious means evil. It's nothing to do with Rastas.
Jenni Fagan
#71. Eldon doesn't have to play if he doesn't want to," Tobias repeated, his fist tightening on the fork.
Eldon sensed with dread that their aunt was in great danger of being stabbed.
Ash Gray
#72. The dead have existed for as long as the living, give or take a few years. But what good has that done them?
James Aquilone
#73. You sick bastard," she said.
"Yes, I guess you could call me that." Terry replied.
Jonas Eriksson
#74. I was nearly unnerved at my proximity to a nameless thing at the bottom of a pit.
H.P. Lovecraft
#75. I wish this knife was good for something besides death, that I could cut through time and walk into that house, into that kitchen where he trapped her, and get her out of there. I would make sure she had the future she should have had.
Kendare Blake
#76. After we hung up, I took the joint. If I was going to die here, in the creepy basement out of a horror movie, in an epic snowstorm that was like an icy prison, with a wife unwilling to pretend-like Bananarama to maybe save her husband's life, I should at least go out with a smile on my face.
Eric Spitznagel
#77. I was that weird kid that checked out all of the non-fiction paranormal studies books from the library. I've always been fascinated by the supernatural, particularly movies and TV shows that manage to blend humor with the horror - 'Supernatural', 'Buffy', 'Angel.'
Molly Harper
#78. As a filmmaker, I love the medium. I have a great affection for it and I've been lucky enough to do all different kinds of films. The greatest part of the success I've had comes from horror. I love the idea of mixing humor and horror and to me, it's all a giggle.
George A. Romero
#79. Just as the door opens, I look intently at the screen and act like I'm still chatting with her mother. '--And she stuck her finger in my ass when she was blowing me, which was fucking incredible. I never thought I'd enjoy having anything up there, but--'
Grace screams in horror.
Elle Kennedy
#81. The sight of her made him understand why he'd lost his faith in God.
Sarah Langan
#82. I make my way to her table, seeing her eyes growing wider as I do. Ten or so other girls probably just developed instantaneous crushes on me, because they see Carmel likes me. Or so the sociologist in my brain says.
Kendare Blake
#83. Look at yourself, idiot. You reek like the slaughter-house. Plan your dastard's revenge as you like. But for those of us liking our company civilized, spare us the horror and bathe yourself first!
Janny Wurts
#84. There was a naked jock on my bed and a thing with tentacles coming out of my toilet. One of these things did not belong, and if you tell me that it was the naked jock, you shouldn't be reading this story.
Johnny Murdoc
#85. His eyes burned with intensity. I wondered briefly if someone
he knew was being held in that cold room that smelled like death. Someone he loved?
Jaye Wells
#86. You are so beautiful, I could eat you, he said.
And it was true. Her smile was as intoxicating as the wine.
And he could eat her.
Jonas Eriksson
#87. Growing up? Gavriel, that was last week watching her recover from crashing out of that office window. She fell out of her wheelchair and broke her other arm." Caspian laughed along with his mate.
Gavriel pulled the phone back and stared at it in horror.
Alanea Alder
#88. There is such malice, treachery, and dissimulation, even among professed friends and intimate companions, as cannot fail to strike a virtuous mind with horror; and when Vice quits the stage for a moment, her place is immediately occupied by Folly...
Tobias Smollett
#89. Norris didn't cry, but he was apt to puke on them, the way he had puked on homer gamache that time he had found homer sprawled in a ditch out by homeland cemetary, beaten to death with his own artificial arm.
Stephen King
#90. When asked what profession they like least, most people will give the obvious answer: clowns.
Brian South
#91. Just behind his jaw bones a tiny movement was perceptible, like the movement of gills in a fish.
John Collier
#92. If you talk about genres - I don't care if you're talking about war, Westerns, science fiction, horror, fantasy, humor, romance - anything you can find, strolling the aisles of a Borders or a Barnes & Noble, I can bring you many comic books representing each genre.
Michael Uslan
#93. Without context, things are not scary. Without context, like humor, horror doesn't work.
Guillermo Del Toro
#94. If there's anything in life that's an undisputed fact, it's this: Buildings with strange symbols carved in their lintels are bad news. You rarely find symbols leading to unicorns and fields of candy - and even that's bad news if you're diabetic.
Daniel Younger
#95. Clear skin, a manicure, a couple dead zombies, and then fame!
Faith McKay
#97. I get glimpses of the horror of normalcy. Each of these innocents on the street is engulfed by a terror of their own ordinariness. They would do anything to be unique.
Katherine Dunn
#98. Never tell anyone to be careful, never ask what that noise was, and for the love of God, never, ever say that you'll be right back. - Evelyn Baker
Seanan McGuire
#99. Hey, Tracy you army brat, I think it's for you!
Mark Mackey
#100. In comparison to cannibalism and grave robbing, he reckoned lying to the dead was pretty mild on his growing list of sins.
E.V. Iverson