Top 100 Funny At&t Quotes
#1. You figure they cheat at the ballpark, they'll cheat on the golf course, they'll cheat in business, and anything else in life. Players may laugh about it and say it's funny, but right down in their heart, they don't think it's funny at all, and they have no respect for a person who cheats.
Bob Feller
#2. I warned you," Herobrine growled, in a terrifying tone. "It was funny at first, but you took it too far. I'm not Dora The Explorer. Do you see a talking backpack? Swiper no swiping doesn't work in this world.
The Cowardly Helper
#3. This doesn't mean you're getting a discount."
Audrey heaved a mock sigh. "Oh well. I guess I'll have to ply you with sexual favors, then."
Gnome choked on the soup. "I'm old enough to be your grandfather!"
Audrey winked at him, gathering the empty bags. "But you're not.
Ilona Andrews
#4. Jane Jameson."
He grinned. "Like the porn star."
I gaped at him. "What? No, Jane Jameson."
"Oh, not as fun," he said, making disappointed clucking noises.
Molly Harper
#5. Politics has become incendiary. People don't find it so funny now so I have to be careful, but I have to wake them up with some truths and the truths I aim at them are over 100 years old. Facts that no one can dispute.
Hal Holbrook
#6. One might feel that, at my age, I should look on life with more gravity. After all, I've been privileged to listen, firsthand, tosome of the most profound thinkers of my daywho were all beset by gloom over the condition the world had gotten into. Then why can't I view it with anything but amusement?
Anita Loos
#7. If you don't know Tom Lehrer, you should - in addition to being a classical pianist, mathematician, songwriter, satirist, researcher at Los Alamos and, he claims, inventor of the Jell-O shot, he is just delightfully funny and graceful.
Rachel Sklar
#8. If you can't be a hero, you can at least be funny while being a chicken.
Ina May Gaskin
#9. I've never been to a dinner party where everyone at the dinner table didn't say something funny.
Lorrie Moore
#10. I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.'
Demetri Martin
#11. When you knock people out, it's sometimes a very scary situation - but I always hoped that no one got seriously hurt. Now when I see them get knocked out, I laugh. When you finish the game, it's funny. And when I look at film of myself, I think, 'I wouldn't fight that guy.'
Marvin Hagler
#12. The way I figure it, if you can't tell I'm high by looking at me, I win.
Marc Maron
#13. I always feel in a funny place when I'm really asked to inform people, so I just try to take the more absurdist route - like, "this is how you could do it, but it's actually turning into a cat now. This might happen at home I guess, but it probably won't."
Thu Tran
#14. What kind of good deeds? Like Girl Scouts? Because I got kicked out of Brownies and they won't give me another chance to keep my clothes on at camp.
Haven Kimmel
#15. At Christmas, individuals are apportioned their roles in the family script - you're either the funny one or the sensitive one; or you either do the cooking or the washing up. And those roles aren't easy to change.
Tom Hiddleston
#16. I'm just saying, 'Hey, throw me a bone. How about a smile, cute t-shirt? Look at me.' Nothing - unless it's a turn to their friends to go, 'Hey, why is that weird guy looking at us?'
Marc Maron
#17. I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have it put down. He asked if it was mad, to which I replied that it wasn't exactly pleased about it.
Chic Murray
#18. I actually think of being funny as an odd turn of mind, like a mild disability, some weird way of looking at the world that you can't get rid of.
Calvin Trillin
#19. I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, "Gimme that", you better hand it over.
Mitch Hedberg
#20. There were a lot of R&B groups that were my heroes, but the funny thing about my career and the way it went and where it went, at first I didn't really want to do pop music. I was a little bit more into jazz and R&B.
Frankie Valli
#21. Blake hung an arm on my shoulders. "Alone at last."
"I'm right here," Logan said.
"Maybe you shouldn't be.
A&E Kirk
#22. The shrine I prayed at not to go to university," Sand said.
"I guess your prayer was answered," Perrotte said.
Sand strongly considered throwing something at her - but there was nothing to hand that wasn't sacred.
Merrie Haskell
#23. I had this funny family. At one end, they were breeding dogs in south-east London - for greyhound racing - and at the other, my uncle was living in Downing Street. And I would actually go to Downing Street, which didn't strike me as funny. I'd get on the number 15 bus.
Michael Moorcock
#24. I don't regret saying something," I said as he pulled down the street.
He glanced at me."Well, I regret not punching him in the face."
My lips twitched."Sorry. I couldn't let that happen."
"I'm sure I'll get another opportunity," He muttered, squinting out the windshield.
Jennifer L. Armentrout
#25. This is the funny thing about New York - there are so many things to do at all times of the day, but there are still moments when you have no idea which of them to do, and feel extra silly because you know there has to be something out there for you to do; your mind just hasn't found it yet.
Rachel Cohn
#26. I still didn't know quite what the witches were capable of. The threshold could be booby-trapped or enchanted. I could be walking into a cage fight with a demon. Hell, she could open the door with a Glock 9 in her hand and put a bullet in my ear, or throw a cat at me, or call me a damn hippie.
Kevin Hearne
#27. I don't wanna be labeled as straight or labeled as gay. I just want people to look at me and see me as white.
Sarah Silverman
#28. I really think I'd be better at, like, advanced napping techniques.
Tui T. Sutherland
#29. It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.
Jimmy Carr
#30. Don't have to see," the pilot grunted. "Olga knows the way."
"Funny name for an aircraft," Grace commented. "Is it after your wife?"
"My gun."
Grace stared at him. "You named your plane after a gun?"
"It was a very good gun.
Gordon Korman
#31. I saw Hulk Hogan the other day in a parking lot, and I couldn't tell from a distance if it was Hulk Hogan or not. And I realized I've never had that dilemma before. I've always been able to tell immediately when looking at anybody if they were or were not Hulk Hogan.
Kyle Cease
#32. I think. Therefore, I am. I think."
- Anonymous
I found this written in tiny letters in the grout between the wall tiles above a urinal in a restroom at the University of Washington, circa 1980. I don't know if Descartes would have approved but I thought it was brilliant.
Gary Val Tenuta
#33. I take a lot of pride in managing to be funny without having a victim at the end of my joke. I laugh at a really dark joke as much as the next person, but my jokes, I feel, don't have to hurt anybody to be really funny.
Ross Mathews
#34. Don't plead with anyone if you were not at fault, you'll only look inferior, stupid and funny, bolster your ego by doing the undoing.
Michael Bassey Johnson
#35. We must be able to deal with ridicule and scorn, which it always seems that Buddhists receive. But we feel that it doesn't matter. God's laughing at us; God's laughing at God. We can take a joke too. We're pretty funny.
Frederick Lenz
#36. When I was a kid I would get upset when people laughed at me when I didn't mean to be funny. I would always hear,'We're not laughing at you. We're laughing with you.' But I would say, 'I'm not laughing.
Julie Kavner
#37. Really, it's amazing. You are his other half, Alexandria, You are fated to be with him. You belong to him."
It felt like something sat heavy on my chest. "Oh.Oh.No."
Seth frowned at me. "You don't have to sound so disgusted.
Jenny Trout
#38. Fredrika Bimm, what do you think you're doing?"
"Freaking out. Losing my mind. Thinking about snapping your husband's spine. Squashing the urge to vomit. Wishing I had died at childbirth."
"Oh, you say that when you don't get a prize in your Lucky Charms.
MaryJanice Davidson
#39. Listen, Harr,y can I have a go on it? Can I?"
"I don't think anyone should ride that broom just yet!" said Hermoine shrilly.
Harry and Ron looked at her.
"What d'you think Harry's going to do with it - sweep the floor?" said Ron.
J.K. Rowling
#40. I remember certain people in the audience laughing and I wanted to ask: 'What are you laughing at? This isn't funny.' Now I realize that laughter can come from insecurity. They don't know how they should be feeling.
Jim Dale
#41. What was the good of being a movie werewolf? You howled at the moon; you couldn't remember what you did, and then somebody shot you.
Anne Rice
#42. Hey!" Sam snapped, ducking the sticky shrapnel. "Keep your snot to yourself."
Dev scoffed at that. "Oh, so now you don't want to touch me, huh?" He tsked. "What is it with women? the instant you put a little slime on them, they get squeamish and have no more use for you.
Sherrilyn Kenyon
#43. When we met, you couldn't stop staring at my breasts."
His face went pale, as if he seriously thought he was so subtle no one would notice. "Make sure you get an equally satisfactory look a my backside as you leave.
Kiera Cass
#44. Honestly, he could be adorable, and at the moment she had the feeling he wasn't even trying.
Jen Turano
#45. If they weren't staring at a fellow, they were laughing at him.
Wilson Rawls
#46. I tore off another chuck of muffin and stared down at my chest. I shrugged and dabbed the muffin in the cum and popped it in my mouth. "I can't believe you just did that!" "Yeah," I snarled up my lip, "didn't quite think that one through all the way.
Ethan Day
#47. Isn't it funny that at Christmas something in you gets so lonely for - I don't know what exactly, but it's something that you don't mind so much not having at other times.
Kate Langley Bosher
#48. Oh! Do you have a pocketknife?"
He narrowed his eyes at me. "Pocketknife?"
"Don't men your age always have pocketknives?" I asked in a high-pitched voice.
"My age? I'm not a fucking grandfather," he snapped.
Jenn Bennett
#49. Warren returns from his room and sits back down at the table.
"I walked away for dramatic effect," he says. "I wasn't finished eating yet.
Colleen Hoover
#50. But you can't stop at one, you wanna drink another woman!
Homer
#51. Mary Decker Slaney, the world greatest front runner, I shouldn't be surprised to see her at the front
Ron Pickering
#52. Lia caught sight of it immediately and glared at him. "You gave me your word. You swore you wouldn't tell him."
"I'm a mass murderer," he said pointedly. "Not exactly trustworthy.
M. Kane
#53. As a comedian, I don't know if they're laughing because it's funny or if they're laughing at me because I'm not funny. And I'm thinking, 'Who cares? They're laughing.' If you go on stage, and they're laughing at you full-on for 60 minutes? You know, whatever puts them in the seats.
Larry The Cable Guy
#54. I wake up every day and look at my own ugly mug in the mirror and don't think twice about it. The fact that other people might want to look at me still feels funny. It's flattering, but funny.
Luke Bracey
#55. I think it's funny how people get confused when they think about church music, because a lot of times there is a soloist who stands out, but my church wasn't like that at all.
Valerie June
#56. It's been very important throughout my career that I've met all the guys I've copied, because at each stage they've said, 'Don't play like me, play like you.'
Eric Clapton
#57. Zane raised his brow. "Didn't I say that yesterday?" he asked, forcing
himself to be patient. Somehow.
"You say that like you think I listen to you," Ty responded instantly, a
smile pulling at his lips.
Abigail Roux
#58. God, Packard! Do you know how hard I worked at
it?" I twist up the napkin and whip it at him.
He deflects it. "There we go; I knew you could do it."
My mouth falls open. "Very funny."
He just laughs.
"I can't believe you!
Carolyn Crane
#59. Don't think you are looking at me because you are not.
Eugene Ormandy
#60. The moment I was introduced to my wife, Emma, at a party I thought, here she is - and 20 minutes later I told her she ought to marry me. She thought I was as mad as a rat. She wouldn't even give me her telephone number - and she wrote in her diary: 'A funny little man asked me to marry him.'
Julian Fellowes
#61. When I was 12 I made some little films with my friends. I tried to make gangster films, like Fantomas, but I remember being very disappointed with them. They weren't frightening at all. I'm sure they'd be very funny now.
Alain Resnais
#62. Remember how he handled the Iran-contra Never Ending Scandal from Hell? He went on national television, the President of the United States, and said it wasn't his fault, because he was not aware, at the time, of what his foreign policy was.
Dave Barry
#63. Keith much preferred cats. A cat wouldn't go mad at a man traversing a wall in the dead of night; it would shrug and lick its arse
Simon Dunn
#64. For some reason, people find me funny. It's quite hard to define why a thought is funny. It's even harder to define why a person would be funny. It's a word that I can't define at all. But whether I know quite what it is or not, I seem to be it.
Wallace Shawn
#65. It is best one should quote what one doesn't understand at all in the language one knows the least
Voltaire
#66. If looks could kill ... well, Dick was already dead, so nothing would happen. But Gabriel was not laughing.
"See Dick," Dick said, pointing at his chest. He then swept his hand dangerously close to mind. "Jane. Dick and Jane. Come on, you humorless jackass. That's funny.
Molly Harper
#67. You know what's funny about death? I mean other than absolutely nothing at all? You'd think we could remember finding out we weren't immortal. Sometimes I see children sobbing airports and I think, Aww. They've just been told.
Carrie Fisher
#68. A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'
Claude Pepper
#69. I swallowed my own smile. I shouldn't be thinking this was fun at all; it was serious business. But I couldn't help it, if you couldn't look at the world when it fell apart around you and see the funny shit, you would end up hating everyone and everything.
Shannon Mayer
#70. I'm glad you think this is funny," he says. "Come on," I say. "Tragedy is funny." "Are we in a tragedy?" he asks, smiling broadly now. "Of course. Isn't that what life is? We all die at the end.
Nicola Yoon
#71. I'd rather be the bloke laughing at other people. I don't need to make people laugh. I surround myself with funny people. I laugh all the time.
Jennifer Garner
#72. It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small, and the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all.
Idina Menzel
#73. So far, at least, I haven't found a way to tell my kind of stories without making them both sad and funny.
Todd Solondz
#74. To be fair he is Lord Byron," Jane said. "I don't know many people who haven't slept with him at one time or another."
Jane Fairfax
Michael Thomas Ford
#75. Light and funny has a more compelling quality when you're younger. But I haven't abandoned the genre: I love falling down; I love Lucille Ball. It's just that a lot of those stories revolve around problems that I can't convincingly portray at this age.
Julia Roberts
#76. I been seeing newspapers every Sunday morning, white dudes be in there in their drawers, never having no bulge in they drawers. Smiling at you. If I ain't have no bulge, I wouldn't be smiling!
Eddie Murphy
#77. It's funny how life can change so much but still nothing changes at all. Or maybe it's that life changes, but you as a person don't or maybe we adjust, but don't actually change.
Lights
#78. I like getting up in front of an audience. It's fun when you go to a baseball game and the crowd is cheering you. I can't deny it. And it's very funny, too. Sometimes you're shy; you go somewhere and everyone's looking at you, so you feel a little self-conscious.
Jon Lovitz
#79. I seem to get into situations that make people laugh, but I don't consider myself that funny of a person. I'm not witty. I'm kind of slow in conversations. I'm not that articulate with jokes. The first time I made stuff and screened it for an audience, I was surprised what people were laughing at.
Nathan Fielder
#80. I've been called a funny person, for a long time. I don't know that I know anything about comedic acting. I'm not a good improver, which is what a lot of comedic actors are really good at. I have failed miserably when I've been asked to improvise.
John Cho
#81. Monkeys
What! His partner said.
Monkeys are funny, said Peabody.'So why didn't we we pick monkeys.
His partner sighed and shook his head with sad dismay.
Monkeys? Jesus.
Monkeys' idea of fun is throwing their shit at you. Monkeys always take the joke a step too far.
Toby Barlow
#82. They're not going to arrest you,' Skulduggery said as they walked through the door. 'They might glare at you and say angry words, but they won't arrest you. Well, they might arrest you. There's a good chance they will. But the important thing is that I've done nothing wrong.'
'For once.
Derek Landy
#83. It's a funny thing because you look at the careers of other filmmakers, and you see them sort of slow down, and you realize, maybe this becomes harder to do as you get older. That's sort of a cautionary thing. I hope it doesn't happen to me.
Joel Coen
#84. I like bowling. I suck at it, but I like it. You know what's so funny? I have days when I'm absolutely great at doing it, and then I have days when I just don't understand it.
Lil' Kim
#85. The funny thing about history is that we imagine that people didn't laugh in the old days, but of course they did, at stupid things.
Terry Jones
#86. You're very short, aren't you?" She smirked at Petunia. "And you've got a nose like a stoat," Petunia replied. "But at least I can always have my gowns altered.
Jessica Day George
#87. I picked up the umeboshi from my tray and popped it into my mouth. I made a show of savoring the flavor. Truth be known, it was sour enough to twist my mouth as tight as a crab's ass at low tide, but I wasn't about to give her the satisfaction of seeing that.
Hiroshi Sakurazaka
#88. Sir Henry fixed him with a keen eye.
'Odd name, Tom Skatt - eh?'
'Thats right'
'You don't think we could be related?'
Tom looked up at his great-great-great-uncle and smiled.
'I don't think so'
'No,' grinned Sir Henry no, of course not
Henry Chancellor
#90. Well, life is dark, isn't it? Mostly, it's dreadful. At the same time, death is funny too. I mean, look at the fuss we make of it.
Upamanyu Chatterjee
#91. Actually, I think all addiction starts with soda. Every junkie did soda first. But no one counts that. Maybe they should. The soda connection is clear. Why isn't a presidential commission looking into this? Or at least some guys from the National Carbonation Council.
Chris Rock
#92. You know it feels good. I can hardly geta ... I don't even ...
There was something amusing about watching him trying to form a coherent sen-tence. Amusing, but arousing at the sametime.
Charlotte Stein
#93. You're an asshole, you know that?' I asked him. It figured he would pick today to be funny and personable, but I wasn't in the mood.
He smiled. 'I know. I work really hard at it.
Maggie Barbieri
#94. I went through in the edits and cut tons of stuff that was "funny" because if it wasn't funny at the time, so it shouldn't be funny now. It's about having that unity of experience. You have to try and take away your hindsight knowledge of a situation.
Damian Barr
#95. I might appear confident and chatty, but I spend most of my time laughing at jokes I don't find funny, saying things I don't really mean - because at the end of the day that's what we're all trying to do: fit in, one way or another, desperately trying to pretend we're all the same.
Tabitha Suzuma
#96. When will you stop laughing at misery? I'm so sick and tired of your pseudo-strength. All I want you to do is laugh at what is funny and cry at what isn't, but you won't do that, will you?
David Shields
#97. I can't not find humor in elements of most parts of life, but at the same time nothing ever seems perpetually funny to me.
Greg Kinnear
#98. Pessimism is a funny thing, isn't it? Madison thought as she looked at Judith's furrowed face. I like a bit of pessimism as much as the next man, but when I'm bombarded with it I suddenly became an eternal optimist.
Melissa Kite
#99. I think one of the things I was most interested in finding out was how differently we approached our work. And my reality was that we didn't approach it very differently at all, which was funny.
Kiefer Sutherland
#100. If you are a great dramatic actor then you often don't know if people are enjoying your stuff at all because they are sitting there in silence. But with comedy it's a simple premise. If it's funny, people laugh. If it's not, they don't.
Steve Coogan
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