Top 100 Eye Humor Quotes
#1. So. Tell me," Marlowe tried gamely, "what do you think is man's greatest invention?"
Jericho turned his head just slightly toward Marlowe, looking him straight in the eye. "God.
Libba Bray
#2. Yet here apparently on this stifling summer afternoon was the eye of Mr. Flay at the outer keyhole of the Hall of the Bright Carvings, and presumably the rest of Mr Flay was joined on behind it.
Mervyn Peake
#3. My helicopter conversion was eye-opening, a case of learning '101 ways to kill yourself without trying'.
Richard De Crespigny
#5. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Tyson pounding the Earthborn into the ground like a game of whack-a-mole. Ella was fluttering above him, dodging missiles and calling out advice: "The groin. The Earthborn's groin is sensitive."
SMASH!
"Good. Yes. Tyson found its groin.
Rick Riordan
#6. Man ... heats up like a lightbulb: red hot in the twinkling of an eye and cold again in a flash. The female, on the other hand ... heats up like an iron. Slowly, over a low heat, like tasty stew. But then, once she has heated up, there's no stopping her.
Carlos Ruiz Zafon
#8. Oh, well, you go to poor school." He gives a comic eye roll. "At rich school, we take notes on hundred-dollar bills using unicorn tears, and our grief is vastly different and more complex.
Delilah S. Dawson
#9. And then, anger gave way to pure and simple job satisfaction. I mean, when I looked at a dead zombie head on a spike, I thought, Hey, I did that. Picasso would have been proud. Especially how I rearranged that eye
Jesse Petersen
#10. You always had an eye for the fellow with a decent helping of sausage and hard-boiled eggs.
Gregory Maguire
#11. Ben starts. "I Spy with my little eye something I really like."
"Oh I know," Radar says. "It's the taste of balls."
"No."
"Is it the taste of penises?" I guess.
"No, dumbass."
"Hmm," says Radar. "Is it the smell of balls?"
"The texture of balls?
John Green
#12. And the lives of these old black women were synthesized in their eyes- a puree of tragedy and humor, wickedness and serenity, truth and fantasy.
Toni Morrison
#13. I glanced up to see Liz and smiled. "Thank you."
"I just went along for the ride. After that happened-" She waved at Derek. "You know how blind people need Seeing Eye dogs? Well, apparently werewolves could really use Opening Door poltergeists.
Kelley Armstrong
#14. The art teacher's scarlet book was called Story of the Eye by Georges Bataille. 'As the title suggests,' Mr Dunwoody saw the book'd caught my attention, 'it's about the history of opticians. What are you about?
David Mitchell
#15. Remember: eye contact," he says. "And be sure to smile."
"You are such a mom."
"You know what your problem is?"
"That my boyfriend is acting like a mom?
Christina Baker Kline
#16. This is humor: A Japanese woman experiences discomfort in her eye, so she goes to see a qualified ophthalmologist. After a thorough examination, the doctor tells the Japanese woman that she has a cataract. She says, 'No, I don't. I have a Lincoln Continental.
Lee Goldberg
#17. Man to man, my eye Kipps snorted. It was like seeing two schoolgirls squabbling over a scented pencil. You should have heard the squeals.
Jonathon Stroud
#18. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Felicity and Ann hunched over their ornaments as if they were fascinating relics from an archaeological dig. I note that their shoulders are trembling, and I realize that they are fighting laughter over my terrible plight. There's friendship for you.
Libba Bray
#19. Wonderful craftsmanship, Simon decided with the expert eye of one who had played enough computer games to know art when he saw it.
Sorin Suciu
#20. If someone begins to sing, do not maintain eye contact. The general advice given to fellow travellers is thus: leg it.
Ness Kingsley
#21. Be careful,' I hissed, then released him. 'Keep one eye on your back, and two on your best friend.'
'That's three eyes.'
'You'll need four to survive what's coming,' I said.
Daniel Polansky
#22. I saw a street car conductor today with one brown eye and one blue. Wouldn't he make a nice villain for a detective story?
Jean Webster
#23. Gingerly, Daniel reached toward the infant. "What if she doesn't like me?"
"She'll spit acid in your eye and you'll die a horrible death," Kara joked.
Jacqueline Diamond
#24. Because you've been on dates where y'know, you forget to open your eyes and wear pants and speak English.
David Cross
#25. There must be courage; there must be no awe. There must be criticism, for humor, to my mind, is encapsulated in criticism. There must be a disciplined eye and a wild mind ... There must be a magnificent disregard of your reader, for if he cannot follow you, there is nothing you can do about it.
Dorothy Parker
#26. Last time you bring me pie, I cut into it, with my tiny pie cutter, and millions of birds flew out hitting me in the eyes and the temples ... it was a trick pie!
Noel Fielding
#27. I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.
Mitch Hedberg
#28. It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's fun and games you can't see anymore.
James Hetfield
#29. If you've got the comedy eye, you can look at any situation and see the humor in it while others don't.
Garry Marshall
#30. The television was on Florida Cable News. A gray-haired man behind the anchor desk reported near tragedy at a state motor vehicle office, where a man who had failed the eye exam pulled a gun and fired fifteen shots at the staff, hitting nobody.
Tim Dorsey
#31. I said I fell down.
Ah. The ground bloodied your nose, split yer lip, and punched ye in th' eye, all at once.
I said I don't want to talk about it.
Tamora Pierce
#33. Seriously, Palta ... " He was honestly puzzled, "I haven't got a clue what you're talking about. What about your ears is supposed to be so bizarre?"
"Um ... You'd have to be blind to miss them," I replied sarcastically. "If you're not, you will be when you poke your eye out on one of them.
M.A. George
#34. My eye was drawn to a bright green hue, the same shade as a poisonous Amazonian frog, the tiny, delightfully deadly ones.
Gail Honeyman
#35. Seriously, who curses you with their dying breath and says, I hope your eye twitches!
Rick Riordan
#36. Ask Gandhi, and eye for an eye makes us both blind ... ask an engineer, and the numbers don't lie - the first to strike wins.
Steven Ivy Attorney Entrepreneur
#37. Well," said Larry with dignity, "it may give you pleasure to be woken at half-past three in the morning by a pigeon who seems intent on pushing his rectum into your eye...
Gerald Durrell
#38. Gran follows recipes by looking at picture - to the eye, delicious; to the tongue, boiled socks. Makes you wanna cry really.
Simon Cheshire
#39. Not all cartoon humor is just about having bugged-out eyes and tongues flying out of people's heads.
John Kricfalusi
#40. I put my Corvette in the carport, and met him at the kitchen door. Pike said, "Nice eye." No hello, no hey, are you all right? "Clark do that?" You can always count on your friends for humor.
Robert Crais
#41. I tried to tell you. You said you didn't care, remember?"
A muscle ticked below his eye. "You should have told me anyway."
"While you had barbells within your reach? Please. I'm Disease, not Stupid.
Gena Showalter
#42. Never make eye contact with a stranger when you're having a churro.
Rucy Ban
#43. Yeah, yeah, it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye type of thing. There's that kind of irreverence to it the humor and in the reality of what's really going on that plays into this movie.
Jeremy Renner
#44. Few people know how to take a walk. The qualifications are endurance, plain clothes, old shoes, an eye for nature, good humor, vast curiosity, good speech, good silence and nothing too much.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
#45. Your pretense does not fool me, gnome. My eye will be upon you.
Cassandra Clare
#46. Josie glanced back to the TV. Again the players seemed to be celebrating some minor achievement. It offended the eye at first, then Josie grew to understand it. That's what's missing in my life, she thought. The celebration of every single moment, like those fucking idiots on TV.
Dave Eggers
#47. I've been chased, shot, cut, beaten, and dragged a hundred leagues in the blink of an eye. I need a drink.
Jessica Khoury
#48. Uh, Magnus has a boyfriend," said Simon.
There was a frightening glint in Julie's eye. "There are some mountains you still want to climb, even though there are 'No Trespassing' signs up.
Cassandra Clare
#49. Nick felt a tear rise to his eye at the thought of the child's utter innocence of hangovers.
Alan Hollinghurst
#50. Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.
Mitch Hedberg
#51. She's like a cross between an onion and donkey," Farah said.
"Why?" Jason and Connor asked simultaneously.
"Cause she's a piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye." Farah laughed.
Mark A. Cooper
#52. You ought to sue."
"I don't know how to sew. I tried it once and I almost put my eye out."
If there is one thing Sahara Soto and Kerry Thompson have in common, it's their complete idiocy. In the girl's case, it's endearing.
Rose Christo
#53. If he didn't call you by name, then you've got nothing to worry about. Maybe he has a glass eye and couldn't look at anyone but you."
"You could be right. But I've always thought glass eyes were kind of expressionless, not hate-filled and menacing.
Liliana Hart
#54. If you have one eye on yesterday, and one eye on tomorrow, you're going to be cockeyed today.
Unknown Author 909
#55. The main reason they don't use seeing eye cats is because you will end up with the cat, and the blind person, stuck up a tree
Haresh Daswani
#56. In another moment he was flying down the street with his pail and a tingling rear, Tom was whitewashing with vigor, and Aunt Polly was retiring from the field with a slipper in her hand and triumph in her eye.
Mark Twain
#57. To be a Christian, you must pluck out the eye of reason.
Martin Luther
#58. I wish you humor and a twinkle in the eye. I wish you glory and the strength to bear life's burdens. I wish you sunshine on your path and the storms to season your journey.
Robert A. Ward
#59. Yeah, but will it hurt?"' I asked.
"This is science, Zach," Randy said, reassuringly, as he tilted my head back and lowered the lens to my eye. "Of course it will hurt.
John Zakour
#60. From the way Denny's shaking his head, he's either got an injured shoulder or a gnat in his eye.
Jerry Coleman
#61. And it's Gryfindor in possession again, as Johnson takes the Quaffle - Flint alongside her - poke him in the eye, Angelina - it was a joke, professor, it was a joke ...
J.K. Rowling
#62. Having an eye patch actually makes it easier to look through a camera - I don't have to close one eye like everyone else.
Brian Selznick
#63. There's a saying," Aeneas said: "Keep an eye on Greeks when they offer gifts." He spoke wryly. "Horses, particularly.
Ursula K. Le Guin
#64. You need your Inner Eye tested, if you ask me.
J.K. Rowling
#65. When I was a small boy, old people used to squat down to my eye level and ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, to which my answer was invariably, "a pirate." Their stunned silence was always very reassuring.
Adam Young
#66. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, which is a pity because this week the National Association of Beholders wrote to tell me that I've got a face like a rucksack full of dented bells.
Charlie Brooker
#67. Ook, though very clever, was the worst fighter in the tribe. That is how he ended up with Grot-Grot as his woman. Grot-Grot had a bald patch on the top of her head, she was missing an eye and she smelled like a dead skunk. She did have a good sense of humour though.
Aussiescribbler
#68. In sitcoms, the women are so beautiful, understanding and well-bred. They have humor, but sort of display it with a twinkle of the eye and not a guffaw. But there's no juice in that for me.
Bea Arthur
#69. In one scene, when I was supposed to say, "In a pig's eye you are," what came out was, "In a pig's ass you are." Old habits die awfully hard.
Ava Gardner
#70. As a boy, I was ashamed to wear glasses. I memorized the eye chart, and then on the test they asked essay questions.
Woody Allen
#71. I peered around the corner into the main recovery ward. All I could see were surgeons. Surgeons filling out those incessant forms. Surgeons bringing cups of tea and little sandwich triangles to patients. Surgeons laying in a lethargic stupor, recovering from eye surgery.
Lauren Pearce
#73. Satan was seen buying a cafe au lait of Friday the thirteenth in the year of the dog. He was wearing a Mexican wrestling mask and a monocle on a gold chain the color of the sun. The lights of the casino filled his good eye. Our days are numbered, our weeks are fading away.
Michael Bible
#74. Popularity's a weird thing. You can't really define it, and it's not cool to talk about, but you know it when you see it. Like a lazy eye, or porn.
Lauren Oliver
#77. Everything is, the way it is, for a reason. Or it isn't. Or neither. Or both. It's so hard to tell. It's so hard to tell you're a mile away by the Luke in your eye.
Alistair McHarg
#78. The humorist has a good eye for the humbug; he does not always recognize the saint.
W. Somerset Maugham
#79. To be creative is to look Madness in the eye and challenge it to a spitting contest.
River Fairchild
#80. George Lopez has to get a physical comedy checkup every year to make sure his bulging eyes don't get out of control ... Good news George ... you are humor free! There's no sign of comedy anywhere in your blood stream.
Andy Kindler
#81. I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.
George Carlin
#82. I love [Nikolai] Gogol's great eye for idiot behavior. Gogol said that life is so tragic, so stupendously sad that we'd better laugh a lot and enjoy ourselves. You either get a sense of humor going or you go under.
Mel Brooks
#83. Gotta be more specific sunshine." He winked at me before starting another.
"You might want to get that eye problem checked out. One might mistaken it for flirting.
K.R. Grace
#84. The twinkling of an eye. That is the most wonderful expression. I've thought from time to time it was the best thing in life, that little incandescence you see in people when the charm of a thing strikes them, or the humor of it. 'The light of the eyes rejoiceth the heart.' That's a fact.
Marilynne Robinson
#85. For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.
Rodney Dangerfield
#86. The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was noone on the other line. Once she said "God Bless you" I said, "I didn't sneeze" She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You will, eventually." And damn it if she wasn't right. Two days later I sneezed.
Ellen DeGeneres
#87. Let me not be sentimental, let the distance in time give me humor and irony and a shrewd, if loving, eye.
Sylvia Plath
#88. Laughter would appear to be a physical reflex, although even if it is, this still leaves unanswered the question of why the human response to humor is a convulsive spasm of the respiratory mechanism rather than a crossing of the eyes or a waving of the arms.
Steve Allen
#90. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.
Jim Henson
#91. I've got a cab waiting so we sh-" he stopped speaking as he entered the
sitting room, his eyes frozen on me.
"Fuck."
Ellie giggled.
I squinted an eye at him. "Is that a good fuck?"
He grinned. "Well you're that too, babe.
Samantha Young
#92. He opened the door wider. "He's waiting." He gave me what was probably meant to be a significant wink, but a corner of his mouth moved more than his eye did and the result was a fairly startling face.
Dashiell Hammett
#93. The lustful glances thrown his way made me wish he wasn't such a damned bowl of eye candy.
- Cat re: Bones
Jeaniene Frost
#94. We could visit him," suggests Will. "But what would we say? 'I didn't know you that well, but I'm sorry you got stabbed in the eye'?
Veronica Roth
#95. Nozy Cat lifted one sleepy eyelid, and his marble blue eye glared at her for interrupting his sacred nap. He wore a yellow collar with little red stars printed on it. His second eyelid also opened, and he gave them his irritated blue-eyed glare.
Lyn Key
#96. New Rule: The White House doesn't have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don't pretend we can't take it. We've seen pictures of Britney Spears's vagina getting out of a car. Television has desensitizes us to violence, and porn has desensitized us to people getting shot in the eye.
Bill Maher
#97. Anna followed, keeping a sharp eye out for things he might back into or over. She wondered if Isaac did this all the time-and, if so, how he avoided getting photos in the paper with captions like "Local Alpha Trips Over Child" or "Wolf Versus Street Sign, Street Sign Wins.
Patricia Briggs
#98. And I was fairly certain that my strong-enough-for-King-Kong-but-made-for-a-woman deodorant had utterly failed.
Doom with a View
Victoria Laurie
#99. She's a lesbian Marty. Girls, she likes girls and no amount of frosted eye shadow is going to make her want dick.
Dakota Cassidy
#100. Nick: I had a great time. ;)
Delilah: Are you winking at me?
Nick: No, I had something in my emoticon eye ~
M.D. Saperstein
