Top 100 Claus Quotes
#1. I discovered that the real meaning of Christmas has nothing to do with you at all. It is about a very special gift. I want to you tell you about this gift.
Soraya Diase Coffelt
#2. Now I admit that the notion of a warless world is a pleasant and attractive thought. But people who believe that there can be such a thing should ask it of Santa Claus, in whom they doubtless also believe.
Revilo P. Oliver
#4. On a busy day twenty-two thousand people come to visit Santa, and I was told that it is an elf's lot to remain merry in the face of torment and adversity. I promised to keep that in mind.
David Sedaris
#5. [It's Not About You, Mr. Santa Claus,] is a fun read and a twist on Christmas, because it does involve Santa Claus and Jesus, and it doesn't say that Santa Claus is bad, but it's the child explaining to Santa Claus the true reason for the season is Jesus.
Soraya Diase Coffelt
#6. Santa is like a queen bee. All the elves are his drones, who exist to feed him royal jelly, which I guess would be milk and cookies. If an elf escapes and eats royal cookies, it will turn into another Santa. That's what all those mall Santas are. They're trying to start their own festive colonies.
Thomm Quackenbush
#7. Sit peacefully in a church and think of church history: witchburning perhaps, or child abuse, genocide, the amassing of disgusting wealth, the repression of women, inquisitions, castrating child choir singers, the denial of Santa Claus and the support of fascists in power.
Kaz Cooke
#8. It looks like you're mocking me as if I am a girl who still believes in Santa Claus. Emily says.
Pet Torres
#9. Do some good to the ghetto, Mr. Kris Kringle.
Come and stay awhile, kick it with God's Angels.
Take and acknowledge my wisdom and understand
That Santa Claus is a black man.
Keith Murray
#10. He had a white beard and twinkly blue eyes, and all in all gave the impression of what Santa Claus would look like if he'd converted to Christian and gone without a good meal sine last Christmas.
Barbara Kingsolver
#11. More than Santa Claus, your sister knows when you've been bad and good.
Linda Sunshine
#13. Santa Claus was white and everything bad was black. The little ugly duckling was the black duck, and the black cat was the bad luck. And if I threaten you, I'm going to blackmail you.I said, 'Momma, why don't they call it 'whitemail'? They lie too.'
Muhammad Ali
#14. In spring they lie flat at the first warmth, they ruin my summer and in autumn they smell of women.
Hugo Claus
#15. Human life [is] ... a process of filling in time until the arrival of death, or Santa Claus, with very little choice, if any, of what kind of business one is going to transact during the long wait.
Eric Berne
#16. Basher shook his head. "No, we climbed in through a ground-floor guest bedroom all ninja-like. Snuck up the back stairs."
"Then you might be the cavalry," said Tom, "but I'm Santa Claus. Let's go downstairs and open some presents.
Jonathan Maberry
#17. It's better to ask Santa Claus for a pair of slippers for Christmas rather than peace on earth. You might actually get it.
Terry Pratchett
#18. It brings back a long-forgotten memory of Christmas, the year I turned six. I was supposed to be in bed, but I was up waiting and watching for my father or Santa Claus, whoever came first.
Carolee Dean
#19. You know, in a way, 'Dear Santa Claus' is rather stuffy ... Perhaps something a little more intimate would be better ... Something just a shade more friendly ... "
"How about 'Dear Fatty'?
Charles M. Schulz
#20. Who the hell wants to be the one to tell a kid that santa claus isn't real. it's the truth, right? but you're still a jerk for saying it.
David Levithan
#21. My mouth gaped and I think I might have whimpered. The Norns had obliterated him completely - a creature they'd known for centuries - because of me. It was like watching Rudolph get shot by Santa Claus.
Kevin Hearne
#22. Santa Claus is a lie but if you think that's bad, check out what 'fuck' really means.
Andrew Smith
#23. All the world is happy when Santa Claus comes.
Maud Lindsay
#25. I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted.
David Cross
#26. I see Santa Claus and Joseph Smith and Luke Skywalker as the same person.
Trey Parker
#27. I know I'm 38 but I insist that santa claus exists and he raped my mother when I was 9.
Thom Yorke
#28. No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.
Francis Pharcellus Church
#29. I like the way Chee kept God magical, sorta like Santa Claus when you're a kid. More priests should take this approach, because there is a frickin' reason why Santa Claus is more popular than Jesus nowadays.
Matthew Quick
#30. A born terror, a rebel without a pause ...
Ain't never had a good Christmas, so who is Santa Claus?
Shyheim
#31. I have never tried to walk through a mall in the Christmas season dressed like a jolly old elf. You might as well dress up like a pork chop and walk into an alley full of starving dogs.
Thomm Quackenbush
#32. Santa Claus and all his little presents tend to get in the way of God's message."
"As can religion," Santa replied.
Brom
#33. He reached up and traced her cheek with the outside of his fingers. "Guys like me look for reasons. We look for explanations. I've been trying for hours to make sense out of this, and I only know two things. When it comes to you and Santa Claus, 'sense' doesn't work. And I love you.
Sierra Donovan
#36. Dear Santa Claus, just a last note before you take off. I hope you have a nice trip. Don't forget to fasten your seat belt.
Charles M. Schulz
#37. We all ought to understand we're on our own. Believing in Santa Claus doesn't do kids any harm for a few years but it isn't smart for them to continue waiting all their lives for him to come down the chimney with something wonderful. Santa Claus and God are cousins.
Andy Rooney
#38. You might be a redneck if Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
Jeff Foxworthy
#39. I think we have to believe in things we don't see. That's really important for all of us, whether it's your religion or Santa Claus, or whatever. That's pretty much what it's about.
James Caan
#40. I wanted to ask a thousand questions, but there was no one to ask. Besides I knew that people only told lies to children-lies about everything from soup to Santa Claus.
Marilyn Monroe
#41. If I ever saw magic on television I would say: 'I want that. That's what I want from Santa Claus'. So the cupboard in my bedroom was full of boxes of magic tricks, cups and balls, cards and foam rabbits, all sorts of stuff.
Colin Morgan
#42. Never deny the babies their Christmas! It is the shining seal set upon, a year of happiness. Let them believe in Santa Claus, or St. Nicholas; or Kriss Kringle, or whatever name the jolly Dutch saint bears in your religion.
Mary Virginia Terhune
#43. Santa Claus is just a story," says Seth. "He's just the opening band to God. There is no Santa Claus.
Chuck Palahniuk
#44. HOLLY KING is a symbol of the waning forces of Nature ... The Holly King is depicted as an old man in winter garb. His head bears a wreath of holly and he often carries a staff that is typically a holly branch. Some Santa Claus figures are actually Holly King figures.
Raven Grimassi
#45. A cynic is just a man who found out when he was about ten that there wasn't any Santa Claus, and he's still upset. Yes, there'll be more war ; and soon, I don't doubt. There always has been. There'll be deaths and disappointments and failures. When they come, you meet them.
James Gould Cozzens
#46. I'd like to know if you're also responsible for Santa Claus, New York in the autumn, and the production and timely distribution of rainbows.
Christopher Grey
#47. Here comes Santa Claus! Here comes Santa Claus! Right down Santa Claus Lane!
Gene Autry
#48. My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
Anthony Jeselnik
#49. You can't trick The Universe - it's like Santa Claus that way.
Tracy McMillan
#50. No sane local official who has hung up an empty stocking over the municipal fireplace, is going to shoot Santa Claus just before a hard Christmas.
Al Smith
#51. Maybe that was why I wanted to slap so many of the zombies; they had no idea how freaking lucky they were. Lucky and ignorant, happy little rich kids who believed in Santa Claus and the tooth fairy and thought that life was supposed to be fair.
Laurie Halse Anderson
#52. After you stop believing in santa claus, the whole world just goes downhill
Tom Clancy
#53. This Christmas, every Christmas, Santa Claus is everywhere and Jesus is nowhere to be found.
Paul Park
#54. Everyone thinks of God as a man - you can't help it - Santa Claus was a man, therefore God has to be a man.
Patti Smith
#55. Contemporary American children, if they are old enough to grasp the concept of Santa Claus by Thanksgiving, are able to see through it by December 15th.
Roy Blount Jr.
#56. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
George Carlin
#58. Obama's gonna play Santa Claus with the minimum wage. He's got no successes to brag about. He cannot talk about a robust job market. In fact, the very fact he's talking about the minimum wage is evidence there is no robust job market.
Rush Limbaugh
#59. No matter what, I always make it home for Christmas. I love to go to my Tennessee Mountain Home and invite all of my nieces and nephews and their spouses and kids and do what we all like to do - eat, laugh, trade presents and just enjoy each other ... and sometimes I even dress up like Santa Claus!
Dolly Parton
#60. I actually share her view and understand her frustration when any government attempts to ban secular symbols like Santa Claus or Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer or Christmas lights.
Steve Israel
#61. Please be informed, there is a Santa Claus.
Jim Lovell
#62. Our family was too strange and weird for even Santa Claus to come visit ... Santa, who was jolly - but, let's face it, he was also very judgmental.
Julia Sweeney
#63. Do you remember when you found out there was no Santa Claus? I was so upset I didn't think I'd be able to do the show.
David Letterman
#64. His hands are caressing her skin, hips, thighs, and ass. One slips between her legs, gently stroking, opening her a little for him, and then he lifts his head and she feels it. His mouth, right there. Blair's eyes fall shut. Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. She
Andrea Simonne
#65. I don't really miss God but I sure miss Santa Claus!
Courtney Love
#66. When I was 21 years old, I had a job playing Santa Claus in a shopping centre in Sacramento. I was rail thin, so it's not like I was a traditional Santa Claus even then. I had a square stomach; that was the shape of the sofa cushion that I had stuffed into my pants.
Tom Hanks
#67. If SANTA CLAUS came down the chimney in a f**king jogging suit, you wouldn't even know it was him.
Wayne Coyne
#68. Santa Claus has already been here and everything. Want to see what he brought for you?"
"Is it a big present?"
"Very big."
"With a big red bow on it?
Lara Adrian
#69. Like Santa Claus. You adults pretend he doesn't exist, but we know that he really does.
Orson Scott Card
#70. This I've learned in life: If you don't believe in Santa Claus, he can't bring you any presents.
Siri Mitchell
#71. So you don't really believe in love? I whispered. How could this be? I was crushed. It was like finding out the truth about Santa Claus and the tooth fairy and the Easter bunny in one sitting.
Robin Palmer
#72. I tend to think that immortal souls, invisible sky daddies, and Santa Claus all belong in the same basket. The disposition of that basket is left as an exercise for the reader.
Charles Stross
#73. there's no such thing as a fuck cure. a fuck cure is like the adult version of santa claus
David Levithan
#74. Who is not a love seeker when December comes? Even children pray to Santa Claus.
Rod McKuen
#75. The armored infantry was Santa Claus, the battle was out Christmas. What else for the elves to do on Christmas Eve but to let their hair down and drink a a little eggnog.
Hiroshi Sakurazaka
#76. I'm Santa Claus to these hoes without a reindeer.
Nicki Minaj
#77. I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.
Dick Gregory
#78. MURRY: I believe in a lot of things. Santa Claus, magic, vampires, and even ghosts but I don't believe in luck. Good or bad.
Hillary DePiano
#79. The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Steven Wright
#80. The government isn't real," he replied. He might have been talking about Santa Claus or God. "I don't owe anything to anyone who in themselves are lies and liars.
Walter Mosley
#81. The saddest moment in a child's life is not when he learns that Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns that Vince Russo is.
Jim Cornette
#82. Santa Claus ran his finger across the rough parchment, lightly tracing the inscription below. "Charity unto others brings its own reward," he whispered.
Brom
#83. My verses stand gawping a bit. I never get used to this. They've lived here long enough.
Hugo Claus
#84. I've survived a winter in Siberia when I was ten."
"What were you doing in a Siberia at ten years old?" Boyd asked dubiously.
"Searching for Santa Claus" (Sin)
Santino Hassell
#85. She's saying Santa Claus doesn't come to our house."
Celia tensed a bit, realizing he had been listening. "He can."
"No, he can't."
"We have a chimney."
"If something comes down my chimney, I'm shooting it ... especially a fat man wearing a suit.
J.M. Darhower
#86. My wife and I got to go onstage at a Flaming Lips concert at Webster Hall once. We dressed up like Scientology aliens and danced around. We had a shootout onstage with Santa Claus.
Bill Hader
#87. Ho ho ho, tell me why you are not at home' is something Santa Claus could ask you if you stayed in a hotel over Christmas. It is most certainly not the reason why it is called 'hotel', but it will hopefully help you remember that the stress is actually on the second syllable.
Jakub Marian
#88. Reading is one of the best ways to bond with your child. Bond this Christmas with "It's Not About You, Mr. Santa Claus
Soraya Diase Coffelt
#89. Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist.
Francis Pharcellus Church
#90. Vlad had found himself longing to encounter those of his own kind, to travel to the streets of Elysia-that far away world, but after a while it seemed more of a fairy tale than anything else.
Like Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy, only with fangs.
Heather Brewer
#91. Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.
Jon Stewart
#93. We have domesticated God's transcendence. We often learn about God at about the same time as we are learning about Santa Claus; but our ideas about Santa Claus change, mature and become more nuanced, whereas our ideas of God can remain at a rather infantile level.
Karen Armstrong
#94. The problem is not that Santa stops existing but that we do. The children we are no longer exist, a fact we do not help through immersing ourselves in the repeating cycle of wake, work, dinner, internet, sleep.
Thomm Quackenbush
#95. One of the things I had a hard time getting used to when I came to California in '78 was Santa Claus in shorts.
Dennis Franz
#96. An entire gullible nation believed faithfully in Santa Claus. But Santa Claus was really the Gasman.
Gunter Grass
#97. It's called the Santa Claus effect; the holiday period is traditionally a strong cycle.
Andrew Barrett
#98. What is the real purpose behind the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus? They seem like greater steps toward faith and imagination, each with a payoff. Like cognitive training exercises.
Chuck Palahniuk
#99. She thinks I'm a drug dealer. (Chris)
'The most "illegal" thing the boy had ever done was to walk past a Salvation Army Santa Claus, once, without dropping money into the kettle.' (Wulf)
Sherrilyn Kenyon
#100. Death is the Santa Claus of the adult world. Except Santa Claus in reverse. The guy who takes all the presents away.
Maria Dahvana Headley
