Top 100 Car Humor Quotes
#1. Of course i put the car in park, because when a beauitful girl starts undressing in you vehicle you put the dam car in park!
Brittainy C. Cherry
#2. I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."
Henny Youngman
#3. A too tight white shirt," she continued as though he hadn't interrupted, "strained across a great chest, really great biceps, and his head under the hood of the car, a little sweaty, a little messy, a lot handy."
"You sound like a pimp.
Lauren Layne
#4. Who made you Queen of Literacy? Go sit in your car!
Jackson Pearce
#5. If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Steven Wright
#6. Except, now that I don't have a car, I can't really make good on my birthday promise."
Sydney thought about it for several moments. "Well. I've got a car."
An hour later, I vowed I'd never make fun of that Mazda again.
Richelle Mead
#7. If You Lose Your Keys, At Least It's Better Than Losing Your Car.
Edward Harris
#9. I love puns. I've been known to turn the car around just to take advantage of a good pun situation. It really is the highest form of humor.
Karin Slaughter
#10. Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.
Garrison Keillor
#11. Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
Ellen Goodman
#12. Why on earth would you buy a car like this if you can't drive a stick? There are dozens of cars
new cars
that have automatic transmission. It'd be a million times easier."
Adrian shrugged. "I like the color. It matches my living room.
Richelle Mead
#13. When you have two notes from two different performances Auto-Tuned, it sounds like a car horn. And then you add harmonies, and it starts to sound like baby seals honking. - Tom Lord-Alge on Auto-Tune
Greg Milner
#14. I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..
Mitch Hedberg
#15. I knew I didn't have much of a chance of getting away from that swarm of fae piranha, but it was an infinitely larger chance than I would have if I stayed in the car and burned to death. Hell's bells, what I wouldn't give to have my shield bracelet. Or my old staff. I didn't even have an umbrella.
Jim Butcher
#16. I felt my cell phone buzz, and I looked at the screen. Ranger.
"Your GPS just went blank," Ranger said when I answered.
"The car exploded." There was a beat of silence.
"Rafael won the pool," Ranger said. "Are you okay?"
"Yes."
"I'll send someone.
Janet Evanovich
#17. Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought ... once you've hired the car ...
Tim Key
#18. No more sex.
I blink several times at Anna as we stand outside the car the next morning. Have we been married long enough for her to say that?
Wendy Higgins
#19. When I saw the car pulling into the driveway and I saw her getting out and walking towards the house, can you imagine Nadezhda, I performed involuntary excretion in my trousers.
Marina Lewycka
#20. I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.
Henny Youngman
#21. I saw a street car conductor today with one brown eye and one blue. Wouldn't he make a nice villain for a detective story?
Jean Webster
#22. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
Billy Sunday
#23. That's tough. Anything I can do?"
"Just stay in play as my backup."
I nearly swerved the car off the road. "I'm sorry - your backup?"
"You know, in case it doesn't work out with Fallon."
"And what about Ethan?"
Jeff chuckled. "I just figured he was your backup for me.
Chloe Neill
#24. If your pussy was so good, you would drive a better car.
Katt Williams
#25. Relax Beatrice, I've driven a car before.' MARCUS
'I've done a lot of things before, but that doesn't mean I'm any good at them!' TRIS
Veronica Roth
#26. The girl slid into the back seat of the town car, tugging at the hem of her dress like she was afraid she might leave a stain on the upholstery.
John McNee
#27. Cars and bumper cars are two very different things. NEVER sleep in a bumper car.
Craig Benzine
#28. It turns out that we're not the only ones who go out on a scientific limb as we discuss or attempt to discuss cars, car repairs and scientific education in America today.
Tom Magliozzi
#29. "I should be home by midnight."
"Dad, I need a car."
"Uh-huh. And I need a villa in the south of France. Go figure. Lights out at eleven," he added as he
turned away.
"I've got to have wheels,
Nora Roberts
#30. His only mistake was not realizing there was a second car. There's always a second car. Except when there's not.
Brian Evenson
#31. I furrowed my brows at him. What was so amazing about a stick? I could pick one up outside on the way to the car.
Let me guess, you're Harry Potter and this is the school of Hogwarts. If I say Lumos will it light up?
Brandi Salazar
#32. I never understood how men could remember all those details about sports but, yet, were incapable of remembering where they set their car keys or wallet.
Tina Reber
#33. When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
Steven Wright
#34. Species went extinct and new ones evolved from protozoa while he sat in his car in the dark and waited to see how badly he'd fucked this up.
Amy Jo Cousins
#35. The rear door was black, the driver's side door was red, and the hood was sunshine-yellow. If Henry Ford and Picasso had gone out on a bender, that car was what the hangover would have looked like.
Kathleen O'Reilly
#36. Germans are flummoxed by humor, the Swiss have no concept of fun, the Spanish think there is nothing at all ridiculous about eating dinner at midnight, and the Italians should never, ever have been let in on the invention of the motor car.
Bill Bryson
#37. Romance is like maintaining a car. If you do a good job of it, you will always have a dependable quiet ride.
T.R. Wallace
#38. Then a beat-up car lurched into sight towing an even more beat-up car. As the cars came near, I saw that they were connected back to front by a loop made of two seat belts buckled to each other. That was the only time I ever saw a Russian use a seat belt for any purpose at all.
Ian Frazier
#39. Bikes are for riding; they're not car hats.
BikeSnobNYC
#40. They always told me not to get in the car with strangers."
"I'm not a stranger. I'm your neighbor." "My strange neighbor.
Eva Morgan
#41. Oh man, the car could just burst into flames right now and this would be the way to go, huh guys?
Kristen Schaal
#42. Eastman Jacob's legendary attempt to launch a car attached to a glider plane using Hampton's Tony Chesapeake Avenue as a runway only confirmed the Hamptonian's feelings that the Good Lord didn't always see fit to give book sense and common sense to the same individual.
Margot Lee Shetterly
#43. I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You're like, "Crap! I wish I hadn't seen Ricky on the sidewalk!"
Mitch Hedberg
#44. Many of us would pray not to die in a car crash before we were baptized, like other people pray to not get sick before their employee benefits kick in.
Nadia Bolz-Weber
#45. He tries, but I don't let go. I am like the woman who pushes a car off a baby. Adrenaline courses through every inch of my body, and Enrico cannot break free.
Julie Sarff
#46. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
Rita Rudner
#47. Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car.
Jon Stewart
#48. You've forgotten your little car,' she called, as I swept through the door that Nathan held open for me.
'Why, does that need a bloody badge too?' I said, and followed them into the lift.
Jojo Moyes
#49. I love full on, like 65 mph in a handicapped parking spot.
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
#50. I drive well!
Says who your mom?
No actually, she won't even get in the car with me.
Heather Brewer
#51. ... .For instance, I hated Pearl Jam at the time. I thought they were pompous blowhards. Now, whenever a Pearl Jam song comes on the car radio, I find myself pounding my fist on the dashboard, screaming, Pearl JAM! Pearl JAM! Now this is rock and roll! Jeremy's SPO-ken! But he's still al-LIIIIIVE!
Rob Sheffield
#52. My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
Rodney Dangerfield
#53. The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.
Chic Murray
#54. The best car safety device is a rear view mirror with a cop in it.
Dudley Moore
#55. A pity it was so early in the day and I couldn't treat myself to the roller coaster. we'll have to come back, you and I, and make up for it."
"Sure, when I've lost my mind and want to rush screaming through the air in a little car.
J.D. Robb
#56. The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."
Steven Wright
#57. When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
Mitch Hedberg
#58. Did you take Joyce's engine?'
'My instructions were to disable the car, but one of the men bet Hal a burger he couldn't get the engine out. So Hal removed the engine.
Janet Evanovich
#59. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
Steven Wright
#60. Beth from accounting
is just sitting in her car
eating spaghetti.
Ryan Mecum
#61. I wrote a book on cats. In retrospect, I should have used paper, cause chapter six got hit by a car.
Wynne McLaughlin
#62. I struggled for something to cling to, the way soldiers in foxholes picture their families, or a flag.
My car, I thought crazily. This fucker crashed the Wongmobile. And for that, he must taste death.
David Wong
#63. Hello and welcome to this collection of calls put together specifically to embarrass the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Now you'll hear us tackle the very pillars of science: physics, chemistry, fluid dynamics and, of course, cream rinse.
Tom Magliozzi
#64. Okay, go hang up your kitty pictures and pet your car.
Abigail Roux
#65. The only time when i realize that i use a car, which is a "Luxury", is when i go to the fuel station to refuel it.
Honeya
#66. The cops got out of the car and came straight towards me. My first thought was, How hypocritical ... They head straight for the kid all in black ...
Bella Shadow
#67. Stealing a car was easy. The hard part was putting up with the whining.
Lili St. Crow
#68. I'm not holding you against your will; I'm holding you against your car.
Linda Howard
#69. When you get something from a ship its called CARgo. if you get something from a car its called SHIPment
Elisabeth Austin
#70. Reggie, you wrapped your sports car around a telephone pole after drinking a bar."
"Yeah... But I was wearing my seatbelt.
Daniel Younger
#71. Remember, so swashing anyone into the trunk of your car!"
"Sure," Lula said, "I know that
Janet Evanovich
#72. Kids are supposed to relax on vacations, and enjoy themselves, not sitting in the back seat of a car making peace with death and gripping a rosary because Mom is playing chicken with oncoming cars in the mountains.
Joshua David Swift
#73. You would do the same for me. He smiled a big toothy smile before he hopped off my car and walked away, leaving me wondering what was up with the guy in the girl jeans and why I couldn't get him off of my mind.
Magan Vernon
#74. Thin Burning Light Gun
If the car found life, it could try to use this gun to learn about it, but the life might not be alive when it was done.
Randall Munroe
#75. The body consists of three parts: the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain. The borax contains the heart and lungs and the abominable cavity contains the bowels of which there are five: a, e, i, o, u.
Tom Magliozzi
#76. So where'd you park the car, Max?'
'I don't know. I couldn't see over the wheel.'
'That's okay. I think I can smell it.
Steve Purcell
#77. There were a few nighttime pedestrians on the block, but they continued on their way, dutifully ignoring the zombie vomiting blood out of the back of my car. Good old New Yorkers. They really couldn't care less.
Nicholas Kaufmann
#78. You get all excited to give her the ring, and it's real emotional, and you give it to her, and she cries. And a second later, you're like, 'Damn, I could have had a car.'
Marc Maron
#79. Don't look into car headlights and freeze, because you'll either get run over or shot!
Bill Watterson
#80. Are you just a car salesman or are you a poet too?" "I've never been accused of poetry before.
Robert Charles Wilson
#81. You have to unhook your seat belt." "That's not true." "I'm afraid it's difficult to walk on the beach if you're strapped to a car seat.
Nora Roberts
#82. Nature" doesn't really have intentions, per se. Nature is a drunk waking up from a weekend bender, ambling through a messy kitchen in a pair of mismatched slippers, seeing its car in the neighbor's pool and saying, "Ah good. It was dirty. Just the thing.
Pat Connid
#83. I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.
Mitch Hedberg
#84. I had a dream about you last night. It wasn't until after you sold me the talking car, I realized you were the world's best ventriloquist.
Michael Summers
#85. I got out of my car, locked it tight as a virgin, and entered his back seat, where a Milky Way wrapper greeted me on the floor, a burnt cigarette mark greeted me on the seat, and the overpowering scent of upholstery cleaner nearly did me in.
Robert Downs
#86. Jary, Garge, Elane and Daved Pady emerge from the Lamborgini Veneno like sad clown's from the SICKEST clown car ever.
Seinfeld 2000
#87. So," Frosty said as we stood. "I have to ask a personal question, because our next move hinges on your answer."
I tensed, unsure about what he could possibly want to know. "Ask."
"How do you feel about stealing cars?
Gena Showalter
#88. I felt the human disease that is ignorance suddenly leave my body. Just like that. Like a hot, desperate piss after a long car ride.
J.A. Redmerski
#89. What do you have in this car?" he asked.
"What do you mean, like weapons?"
"That would be a good start."
"Well, I 've got a mini Swiss Army Knife on my key chain."
"A two-inch stainless steel blade and a nail file. They might as well surrender to us now ...
Richard Castle
#90. My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
Rodney Dangerfield
#91. If you're going to hit a car, try to be sure that it's not a cop car
Judy Gold
#92. Any customer can have a car painted any colour that he wants so long as it is black.
Henry Ford
#93. I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.
Mitch Hedberg
#94. With each replacement of parts, a car slowly becomes Chinese.
Mr. Kuniyasu
#95. It could have been worse. He could have said he wasn't a 'dessert person' and then I would have been forced to jump out of a moving car.
Saba Kapur
#96. In her career, she'd closed multi-million dollar deals without a hint of nerves. Now she needed a jumbo-sized bottle of antacids just to get out of her car. Or a double shot of whiskey. God, she was losing it.
Avery Flynn
#97. New Rule: The White House doesn't have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don't pretend we can't take it. We've seen pictures of Britney Spears's vagina getting out of a car. Television has desensitizes us to violence, and porn has desensitized us to people getting shot in the eye.
Bill Maher
#98. Aha! I take my three keys on my ring (car, house, El's) and hold my hand in a fist so that each of the keys is peeking out from between my fingers. I remember seeing this on a self-denfense special of Maury. Television saves lives.
Julie Murphy
#99. Any requests on the kind of car?"
"Something with armor?" she said. "Oooh, and headrest DVD. Bonus for surround sound."
"Rocket launchers," Michael said.
"One hot yellow Hummer with optional mass destruction package, coming up.
Rachel Caine
#100. I like your style, Lieutenant Dallas," he said when they'd fought their way to the car. "I like it a lot. And by the way, I don't think I'm in love with you anymore. I know I am."-Roarke
J.D. Robb
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