Top 64 Animal Humor Quotes
#1. Was it animal pee or human pee? Someone asked.
How would I know? What, am I an expert in the study of pee?
John Green
#2. The people knew then that Greg wasn't a monster, just a hungry animal.
KayeC Jones
#3. A certain excess of animal spirits with thoughtless good-humor will often make more enemies than the most deliberate spite and ill-nature, which is on its guard, and strikes with caution and safety.
William Hazlitt
#4. They got a manure machine in there," Keller said. He went up to the barn and peeked through a hole between tow boards. "On wheels. It's fun to ride sometimes, when you don't care how you smell.
Sandra Neil Wallace
#5. Ly-di-ah! I sit beneath your window, laaaass, singing 'cause I loooove your a - "
"For the love of St. Francis of Assisi, someone call a vet. There is an injured animal screaming in pain outside," Charlotte interrupted the flow of music in ill-humor.
Michelle M. Pillow
#6. I'd like to think they're staring at me because of my white-hot animal magnetism, but I'm not Elvis. I'm Lobster Boy, hear me roar.
Richard Kadrey
#7. Hippogriff, n. An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one-quarter eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full of surprises.
Ambrose Bierce
#8. Don't needlessly draw attention to yourself. If you're twerking on the beach, a circling pteracuda could mistake you for a wounded animal.
Andrew Shaffer
#9. If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a Pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk ... becomes a double hawk.
Demetri Martin
#10. New Rule: A dog is the only animal that can get you laid. No offense, parrot guy, but it's not gonna happen. When women see you, they're not thinking, "I bet that guy is interesting," they're thinking, "That bird better not shit on my dress.
Bill Maher
#11. Live like a man, fuck like an animal and die like a plant.
Claire Amber
#12. Some people like milk, but I would never drink anything you have to stroke out of an animal.
Jonas Eriksson
#13. I am Trella the victorious leader of the Force of Sheep rebellion. Yes the name sounds ridiculous, and I still can't believe we named a major life changing event after livestock - or actually a stuffed animal - but it made sense at the time.
Maria V. Snyder
#14. Animal rights is a serious subject, but I do my best to find humor where I can, and I have some great help: there are almost two hundred cartoons included in the book, including dozens from the brilliant Bizarro strip.
Karen Dawn
#15. I look to nature because I think the animals are smarter than we are. Animals mate; humans date. There's no dating in the animal kingdom. No dinner, no movie - just a quick sniff, 'Alright, let's go.'
Adam Ferrara
#16. Elizabeth Rothra's excellent biography of Charles Torrey Simpson restates his philosophies about the intrinsic value of natural ecosystems like the Everglades. No one knew better than he the history of the plants and animals of South Florida or conveyed it with more humor and enthusiasm.
Marjory Stoneman Douglas
#17. I pulled my suitcase out of the backseat of my bug, along with Cannoli's new travel case, a spiffy animal print pet backpack on wheels. When I first saw it, I thought maybe the dog was supposed to wear the backpack, but it turned out the person wore the backpack with the dog in it.
Claire Cook
#18. Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.
Mitch Hedberg
#19. 'He'll probably end up angling for a threesome. Then I'll have to get my animal name so I can be a part of the group. So Native American of you white boys. I'll probably go for something like Falcon. Or Wolf.'
'Jackass suits you better,' Anna intones.
T.J. Klune
#20. A lamb was a young animal which was legendary for sleeping well on the planet Earth.
Kurt Vonnegut
#21. That creature's staying?' It figured. Her daughter-in-law transforming into an animal? No problem. Having to take care of a cat? Crisis. (Sydney Sage-Ivashkov)
Richelle Mead
#22. At the dockside I was pleasantly surprised to find the North wasn't all hairy men in animal skins. There was also hairy women in animal skins.
Mark Lawrence
#23. The Mole recollected that animal-etiquette forbade any sort of comment on the sudden disappearance of one's friends at any moment, for any reason or no reason whatever.
Kenneth Grahame
#24. And we're back where we started. Beginning to feel like I'm riding a hamster wheel.
Sherrilyn Kenyon
#25. If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Groucho Marx
#26. I'm not really sure what makes a book a 'classic' to begin with, but I think it has to be at least fifty years old and some person or animal has to die at the end.
Jeff Kinney
#28. Oral Roberts is a greed-crazed white-trash lunatic who should have been hung upside down from a telephone pole on the outskirts of Tulsa 44 years ago, before he somehow transmogrified into the money-sucking animal that he became when he discovered television.
Hunter S. Thompson
#29. After scolding one's cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.
Charlotte Gray
#30. I felt like an animal, and animals don't know sin, do they?
Jess C. Scott
#31. New Rule: Stop leaving couches on the sidewalk. Besides being lazy and ugly, it's animal cruelty. You teach your dog not to pee on the couch, and then when you take him to the place he's supposed to pee, there's a couch.
Bill Maher
#32. Only someone who'd never been an animal would put up a sign saying not to feed them ...
Jonathan Safran Foer
#34. I'm a great admirer of Primo Levi's work. It's always mind-boggling, the idea of how much pain people can endure and still come back from the edge with a sense of humor, with this tremendous animal desire we have to get on with life.
Allan Gurganus
#35. It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still.
Bill Bailey
#36. Cult Mother- Now what does your spirit animal say to you?
Thugs- Uhm...Uh...
-King Shark smashes through the roof-
King Shark- Hi. My name is Trixie. I like to party.
Adam Glass
#38. I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
Mitch Hedberg
#39. My main regret in life is that there is no MacArthur Fellowship awarded in the field of Panda Satire.
Anne Belov
#40. Reality - Dreams = Animal Being Reality + Dreams = A Heart-Ache (usually called Idealism) Reality + Humor = Realism (also called Conservatism) Dreams - Humor = Fanaticism Dreams + Humor = Fantasy Reality + Dreams + Humor = Wisdom
Lin Yutang
#41. Being a hero to someone, even if it is a dog, is a feeling like no other. Though it can be frustrating, it can be the most rewarding thing to give someone a second chance at a happy life.
Elizabeth Parker
#42. The newest animal Route 5 had used up, it seemed, was my daughter's beloved pet. We buried Smucky in the pet sematary. My daughter made the grave marker, which read Smucky: He was obediant. (Smucky wasn't in the least obedient, of course; he was a cat, for heaven's sake.)
Stephen King
#43. Left wing, whacko groups like animal rights activists and right-to-lifers were easy targets for my humor. I enjoyed poking fun at these closed-minded groups.
Bill Bernico
#44. He might be living on mice, but Chesterton does not look like an animal who is governed by his appetites. He's an ascetic, if Cathbad ever saw one.
Elly Griffiths
#45. You freaking bit me," I said, my voice hoarse. "You're lucky I don't call animal control.
Jayde Scott
#46. If a dog doesn't put you first where are you both? In what relation? A dog needs God. It lives by your glances, your wishes. It even shares your humor. This happens about the fifth year. If it doesn't happen you are only keeping an animal.
Enid Bagnold
#47. You were torturing a cat," she says. "With a freaking prod."
"A prod I built myself in metal shop," he says. "But of course you never mention that.
George Saunders
#48. Humor must be one of the chief attributes of God. Plants and animals that are distinctly humorous in form and characteristics are God's jokes.
Mark Twain
#49. You are pregnant, with child, in the family way. People, some of whom you hardly know, will begin to comment on your belly size. They might even give it a rub, like you have strapped an animal of some kind in your front side and given total strangers permission to pet you at their leisure.
Amy E. Spiegel
#50. Mars and my own stupidity keep trying to kill me.
Andy Weir
#51. Among animals, one has a sense of humor. Humor saves a few steps, it saves years.
Marianne Moore
#52. Gaiety is to good-humor as animal perfumes to vegetable fragrance. The one overpowers weak spirits, the other recreates and revives them. Gaiety seldom fails to give some pain; good-humor boasts no faculties which every one does not believe in his own power, and pleases principally by not offending.
Samuel Johnson
#53. I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
Ellen DeGeneres
#54. Gradually my whole concept of time changed until I thought of a month as having twenty-five days of humanness and five others when I might just as well have been an animal in a steel trap.
Florence King
#56. Go! Go! Go! Go!' said that officer, with an expression as though he considered our Cap an individual of the animal kingdom whom neither Buffon nor any other natural philosopher had ever classified, and who, as a creature of unknown habits, might sometimes be dangerous.
E.D.E.N. Southworth
#57. When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE!
Demetri Martin
#58. However, for all his affection and loyalty towards the animal, the dog would soon be leaving him - they would both be present at a celebratory dinner when they reached the roof, he reflected with a touch of gallows-humour, but the poodle would be in the pot.
J.G. Ballard
#59. I am always incorrigibly interested in the behaviour of the 'human animal', and look forward to perusing divers effusions of your lively pen.
Kingsley Amis
#60. {Rogers} sexual aim is "to convert a creature who is cool, dry, calm, articulate, independent, purposeful into a creature who is the opposite of these: to demonstrate to an animal which is pretending not to be an animal that it is an animal.
Kingsley Amis
#61. Eww! That's gross, Gramps. You just picked that stick up off the grass. Who knows what animal has done sick things to it. Probably chipmunks I bet; they're always doing devious stuff when you're not looking.
Joel T. McGrath
#62. Another Thing I'm Sick of Hearing:
If I started that gay rights group,
I must be gay.
So if i start an animal rights group,
what does that make me?
A giraffe?
James Howe
#63. Disney Resort and World and Compound, a place where your dreams really do come true, if you dream about having people wearing enormous cartoon-animal heads come around to your restaurant table and act whimsical and refuse to go away until you laugh with delight.
Dave Barry
#64. There is no animal more invincible than a woman,
Loretta Chase
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