Top 77 Wine Humor Quotes
#1. I need COFFEE to help me change the things I can ... and WINE to help me accept the things I can't!
Tanya Masse
#2. Precipitous creature,' Kruppe muttered, reaching for the mug of wine the man had left behind. 'Ah, look at this,' he said, frowning up at Crokus, 'nigh two-thirds full. A potential waste!' Kruppe drank it down in one swift gulp, then sighed. 'Said potential averted, Dessembrae be praised.
Steven Erikson
#3. JJ informed me, when he dropped them off, that they are French bulldogs, which has led med to reassess my opinion of the French. They may know a lot about making wine and fries, but they don't know jacques-merde about making dogs.
Melissa DeCarlo
#4. Terry loved candlelight dinners and red wine. It was a nice contrast from work.
And killing people.
Jonas Eriksson
#5. Honest good humor is the oil and wine of a merry meeting, and there is no jovial companionship equal to that where the jokes are rather small and laughter abundant.
Washington Irving
#6. Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner ... "
Henny Youngman
#7. I plead alignment to the flakes of the untitled snakes of a merry cow and to the republicrats for which they scam: one nacho, underpants with licorice and jugs of wine for owls.
Matt Groening
#8. The old Janey only drank cheap wine and light beer. The new Janey is classy, prefers cocktails, and even drinks alone.
J.C. Patrick
#9. There's something to be said about drinking a carafe of wine by yourself ... I just can't remember at the moment what it is! (said after drinking a carafe of wine by himself)
Gerard De Marigny
#10. Did someone just call me the wine dude?" he asked in a lazy drawl. "It's Bacchus, please. Or Mr. Bacchus. Or Lord Bacchus. Or, sometimes, Oh-My-Gods-Please-Don't-Kill-Me, Lord Bacchus.
Rick Riordan
#13. Amelia was sitting on the pavement in her lawn chair, a glass of wine in her hand.
When we emerged, she set the glass down very carefully on the ground and then looked us over from head to toe.
'Okay, don't know how to react,' she said, finally.
Charlaine Harris
#14. I am not sure I trust you."
"You can trust me with your life, My King."
"But not with my wine, obviously. Give it back.
Megan Whalen Turner
#15. I suffer from CLAUSTROPHOBIA, a fear of closed spaces.For example, I'm petrified that the WINE store will be closed before I have time to get there!!!
Tanya Masse
#16. I hung up the phone and tapped it lightly against my chin, then wrapped myself tighter in my giant woolen cardigan and poured another glass of boxed wine - the official drink of emotionally confused women on a budget.
Heather Cocks
#17. I imagine hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humour and English wine.
Peter Ustinov
#18. Water IS the most important element on the face of the earth, because without water, there would be no WINE and without WINE I would be living in a PADDED CELL!
Tanya Masse
#19. The only way of rendering life endurable is to drink as much wine as one can come by.
James Branch Cabell
#20. If anyone thinks that I amn't divine
He'll get no free drinks when I'm making the wine
But have to drink water and wish it were plain
That I make when the wine becomes water again.
James Joyce
#21. Just one question Bob. Which side of the Potomac did you say the greapes were grown on?
Paul Gregutt
#23. Did I hear your correctly, my dear?" Ahan asked with a shaky voice. "You're going to go into Elantris?"
"Yes." Sarene said.
"I need something to drink," Ahan decided, unstoppering his wine flask.
Brandon Sanderson
#24. There is truth in wine, but you never see it listed in the ingredients on the label
Josh Stern
#25. He had probably been thrown out of a wine shop, and it hadn't quite dawned on him yet.
Kafka, Franz
#26. We need to get acquainted with mediocrity to notice greatness.
Olivier Magny
#27. I would drink that whole bottle if I knew it wouldn't get me completely drunk. I miss wine."
"Um, you haven't had it for one night, and you miss it?"
"Clearly, you underestimate my relationship with wine and what I do on the weekends when I'm by myself reading.
Rachel Van Dyken
#28. Come with me, sweet lass, and I'll make good on me promise to chase ye through the woods like a highlander." Broen spoke in a rich timbre laced with good humor. " Ye there ... Lads, be sporting now and let me ravish this charming creature the way only a Scotsman can!
Mary Wine
#29. Hi, this is Ganymede, cup-bearer to Zeus, and when I'm out buying wine for the Lord of the Skies, I always buckle up!
Rick Riordan
#30. In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Benjamin Franklin
#31. My objection to war was not that I had to kill somebody or be killed senselessly, that hardly mattered. What I objected to was to be denied the right to sit in a small room and starve and drink cheap wine and go crazy in my own way and at my own leisure.
Charles Bukowski
#32. Saying someone is religious is heard in most of America as a compliment, a reassuring affirmation that someone will be moral, ethical, and after a few glasses of wine, a freak in the bedroom.
Bill Maher
#33. Mark Twain said, "Humor is mankind's greatest blessing." Dorsey Bing said, "I'll take womankind's greatest blessing: more wine.
CeCe Osgood
#34. She was not sorry. And if it was the wine telling her that, then she would tell the wine the same thing tomorrow. She was not sorry.
Mary Balogh
#35. If John Grisham, Harper Lee, and Larry the Cable Guy were penned up in a remote cabin for a weekend with nothing but good bourbon, fine wine, and a couple of cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, something like Common Pleas (A Tale of Whoa!) might result...
J. Randolph Cresenzo
#37. How can I wear a leather suit that does not carry the stains of wine and blood?" asks CT, and Gustav does not answer; of course it was rhetorical
Alissa Nutting
#38. I wanted to develop some hobbies. So far, I hadn't really developed any, but I did have a growing collection of empty wine bottles. That could be a hobby. And I had bookmarked several articles on making your own soap. In case, you know, soap ever wasn't readily available.
N.M. Silber
#39. If reassurances could dull pain, nobody would ever go to the trouble of pressing grapes.
Scott Lynch
#40. WINE! Because these problems aren't going to forget THEMSELVES!
Tanya Masse
#41. Everything rests on the poisoned wine. If it were just the queen, I could force it down her gullet, but Declan Broekhart would run me through with that damned ceremonial sword, and if his wife's stares were daggers, he'd be dead already.
Eoin Colfer
#42. Of course we got drunk!" Semyon said. "It's okay to get drunk, Anton. If you need to real bad. Only you have to get drunk on vodka. Cognac and wine - that's all for the heart."
"So what's vodka for?"
"For the soul. If it's hurting real bad
Sergei Lukyanenko
#43. We're needed to save an innocent barrel of wine from a lecherous duke's son.
Alethea Kontis
#44. Tyrion seated himself and took a sip of wine. If a man paints a target on his chest, he should expect that sooner or later someone will loose an arrow at him. I have seen dead men with more humor than your Ser Alliser.
George R R Martin
#45. There are three things that none of the young men of the present generation can do.They can't sit over their wine;they can't play at wist;and they can't pay a lady a compliment.
Wilkie Collins
#46. Hiram!' Shelton ran to Hi's side. 'Aren't you you bleeding? I thought she shot you!'
'Red wine. When I saw it running everywhere, I played dead.' He winced as Shelton poked his belly. 'But I'm not leaping off any more shelves. That was pretty stupid.
Kathy Reichs
#48. The HAPPIEST people don't have the BEST of everything ... They just drink WINE.
Tanya Masse
#49. where madness and charm coexist, wine is never far away.
Michael Karam
#50. Is it white wine? Red tastes like vinegar.'
'Of course it's white wine, I'm Japanese.
Natasha Pulley
#51. I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W.C. Fields
#52. I went to rehab for alcoholism in wine country, just to keep my options open.
Robin Williams
#53. After an hour of gliding though the crowd and two glasses of tepid wine later, Penelope had reached the spiritual state of being merrily tipsy. It was that perfect state when everything starts looking wonderful and every tragedy turns into a comedy.
Anya Wylde
#54. Most people whom you may view as wine experts are usually just good at one thing: winemakers are good at making wine, sommeliers at talking about it, and wine journalists at drinking it for free.
Olivier Magny
#55. The dungeon image helped. "You need to let Maximus go," I stated, my voice stronger now.
"No. Wine?
Jeaniene Frost
#56. Love is meant to be sipped, rather than chugged, like a glass of wine you drink strait from the bottle.
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
#57. It was 2:00 p.m., too early for wine but not for chocolate.
Andrea Hurst
#58. I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait".
Mitch Hedberg
#59. Wine is to women as duct tape is to men, it fixes EVERYTHING!
Tanya Masse
#60. The prettier the wine bottle, the higher the likelihood sorority girls will buy it.
Lauren Leto
#61. I figured if I hoped hard enough, you wouldn't stand a chance, that even if you were straight, you'd succumb to my sparkling charm and wit and you'd convert just for me."
I almost choked on the last sip of my wine. "And you'd win the toaster oven," I teased.
"Yes,
Eva Indigo
#62. When you can't handle the heady concoction of wine and women, it's time to pack up your bags and quit.
Anurag Shourie
#63. I am a connoisseur of fine irony. 'Tis a bit like fine wine, but it has a better bite.
Lynn Kurland
#64. Robert could piss in a cup and men would call it wine, but I offer them cold clear water and they squint in suspicion and mutter to each other about how queer it tastes.
George R R Martin
#65. Hold the bottle up to the light; you will see your dreams are always at the bottom.
Rob Hutchison
#66. You are so beautiful, I could eat you, he said.
And it was true. Her smile was as intoxicating as the wine.
And he could eat her.
Jonas Eriksson
#68. Wit, after all, is a mighty tart, pungent ingredient, and much too acid for some stomachs; but honest good humor is the oil and wine of a merry meeting.
Washington Irving
#69. More wine," Lightsong said, raising his cup.
"You can't get drunk, Your Grace," Llarimar noted. "Your body is immune to all toxins."
"I know," Lightsong said as a lesser servant filled his cup. "But trust me - I'm quite good at pretending.
Brandon Sanderson
#70. Sweat, scalded meat, puke, blood, smoke and a dozen kinds of bad ale and wine: the bouquet of civilized nightlife
Scott Lynch
#71. If your arteries are good, eat more ice cream. If they are bad, drink more red wine. Proceed thusly.
Sandra Byrd
#72. How would you like to die, Tyrion son of Tywin?"
"In my own bed, with a belly full of wine and a maiden's mouth around my cock, at the age of eighty," he replied.
George R R Martin
#73. In a low whisper she was certain only her friend could
hear, she said, I specifically remember we both promised never to drink from any man's goblet of wine. From the looks of you, Frances Catherine, I'm thinking you broke your word.
Julie Garwood
#74. I was living alone before, Campbell, if that's what you're asking." She looks at me over the edge of her wine glass. "How about you?"
"I have six wives, fifteen children, and an assortment of sheep."
Her lips curve. "People like you always make me feel like I'm underachieving.
Jodi Picoult
#76. ... the vintage of history is forever repeating ~ same old vines, same old wines!
E.A. Bucchianeri
#77. There was no whimsical 'sip of wine at Thanksgiving' for us kids while we were still teenagers. This was the Clinton era, and my parents were already worried about the moral deterioration of the country.
Mindy Kaling
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