Top 100 Turd Quotes
#1. If Polity forces were to turn up here, then your king would have to respond, by which time the turd trajectory would be fanwards.
Neal Asher
#3. Do you know how terrible I felt when Marcus came down and found me sitting there like a turd?
Jennifer L. Armentrout
#4. Jeffrey Murdock is a colossal turd."
"Can I stitch that on a sampler and put it on Etsy?"
"Sure.
Cecilia London
#5. Maybe my pussy wasn't good enough for him. You know what? Fuck you, you slutty, obnoxious, turd. My pussy is prime pussy.
K.M. Golland
#6. But how can a series of reasonable intermediate forms be constructed? Of what value could the first tiny step toward an eye be to its possessor? The dung-mimicking insect is well protected, but can there be any edge in looking only 5 percent like a turd?
Stephen Jay Gould
#8. Raisins again. I like raisins, but I have a habit of losing one or two on the floor every time I eat them. I always find them later and think they are: a) a mouse turd or b) a cockroach. Then I figure out it's a raisin and sigh with relief. This pretty much happens every time I find a lost raisin.
Julie Halpern
#9. You whoreson scalawag!" said I. "You flesh-turd dropped stinking from the poxy arsehole of a hare-lipped harlot!
Christopher Moore
#11. Ian did, with a blackened eye, skinned knuckles, and the terse report that Manfred had declared a set intention of going off and hanging himself, and good riddance to the fornicating son of a bitch, and might his rotten bowels gush forth like Judas Iscariot's, the traitorous, stinking wee turd.
Diana Gabaldon
#12. Childbirth is no more a miracle then eating food and a turd coming out of your ass.
Bill Hicks
#13. I like incidents of that sort, when forces that are usually so sneaky and hard to point out slither out of the grass and are as obvious as, say, an anaconda that's eaten a cow or an elephant turd on the carpet.
Rebecca Solnit
#14. The placement of a perfect perfumed turd passive-aggressive zinger is equal to the flush of an orgasm. It is sublime.
Angela Ricketts
#15. Michelangelo continually had trouble with his assistants and had to sack several for poor workmanship, laziness, or even - in one particular case - because the lad in question was 'a stuck-up little turd'.
Alexander Lee
#16. Your mama musta had to take a double dose of laxatives to bring you into this world, ya lyin' little turd," he growled, fists clenching at his sides.
Amy Cook
#17. Big as a horse turd floating in a milk shake.
Wyatt Dixson
James Lee Burke
#18. Still as I've said all along, you can't polish a turd.
Alan Bennett
#19. This party is turning out to be the turd-encrusted cherry on the top of my shit-shake of a day.
Jody Gehrman
#20. I know you have the patience of a rapidly decomposing turd.
Mary E. Pearson
#21. Chadham's idea of an open-minded, modern town had no room for faggots. Being gay made you about as welcome as a turd in the swimming pool.
Piner, Huston (2015-05-12). Light in Endless Darkness (Kindle Locations 25-26). Torquere Press. Kindle Edition.
Huston Piner
#22. I'm not afraid to play ugly - look at 'Adaptation.' I looked like a turd that a cat had coughed up.
Nicolas Cage
#23. As a photo-journalist your presence anywhere is as welcome as turd falling into a Ming vase.
Steve Merrick
#25. Believe me, Athelstan, you can wrap a dog's turd in a cloth of gold but it remains a dog's turd.
Paul Doherty
#26. Javier Pastore wouldn't get a beach ball off me if we were locked in a phone box. He's turd. Anyone who thinks he isn't is clueless.
Joey Barton
#27. Nobody makes a turd like that and lives.
Mike Rowe
#29. Jesus, Oscar, Rudolfo said nervously. You look like they put a shirt on a turd,
Junot Diaz
#30. I was swimming with the turd sharks in an ocean made of piss
Sam Cheever
#31. I'm the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl.
Christopher Titus
#33. If you don't have a mobile strategy, you're in deep turd,
Jen-Hsun Huang
#34. But I'm your brother." Daniel sounded genuinely wounded. "You," she announced, "are a turd in the punch bowl of life.
Gary Paulsen
#37. See things for what they are. Drop your blinders and raise the sewer to eye level. Admit that your swimming in shit. If you don't acknowledge the turd heading down the drain towards you; you can't dodge it.
Karen Marie Moning
#38. I will make it my personal mission in life to squash you and your department like a horse turd under my boot heel.
Leslie Murray
#39. Maybe I didn't try as hard as I ought when he started calling you
names. Serves him right, the nasty old turd. Punch him again, Moth - Peaseblossom
Lisa Mantchev
#41. Do as she says, you wormfaced, crawling, sand-brained piece of lizard turd!
Frank Herbert
#42. They eat the sewage that floats on the surface of the mass culture, digest it, and then get creative diarrhea
all at once. The turd look and smell exactly alike, and we call them this year's fashions, hit shows, books, and movies.
John Varley
#43. You are but a hard turd in the ass of my journey.
David Liss
#44. The worst thing for a writer is to know another writer, and worse than that, to know a number of other writers. Like flies on the same turd.
Charles Bukowski
#45. Charles Talent Manx the Third at your service, my dear! CEO of Christmasland Enterprises, director of Christmasland Entertainment, president of fun! Also His Eminence, the King Shit of Turd Hill, although it doesn't say that on my card.
Joe Hill
#46. Internet Explorer, Microsoft's crashware turd that no one under the age of forty used voluntarily.
Cory Doctorow
#47. He sees, and smells, that the mishap was caused by a large human turd.
David Mitchell
#48. Bubble gum on a turd, Madison! You're a tutti-frutti enforcer. I am a warden. Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
Rebecca Chastain
#49. If I find a cow turd on my front steps, I'm not satisfied knowing that I'll be mentally prepared to find some future cow turd. I want to shovel that turd onto my garden and hope the cow returns every week so I never have to buy fertilizer again.*
Scott Adams
#50. Drawing attention to Gretchen's weight was the sort of behavior my mother referred to as 'stirring the turd,' and I did it a lot that summer.
David Sedaris
#51. The people of your century no longer require the service of composers. A composer is as useful to a person in a jogging suit as a dinsoaur turd in the middle of his runway.
Frank Zappa
#52. You don't have to eat the entire turd to know that it's not a crab cake.
Orson Scott Card
#53. Did you ever hear of the turd theory?" she asked. He shook his head.
"It goes like this. You think if a certain obnoxious person wasn't in your life, then everything would be just peachy. Then that person is miraculously out of your life, and behold, another turd floats to the top," Jill said.
Carolyn Brown
#55. That food was so bad I can't wait for it to become a turd and leave me.
Thomas McGuane
#56. I feel horrible. She doesn't
love me and I wander around
the house like a sewing machine
that's just finished sewing
a turd to a garbage can lid.
Richard Brautigan
#57. I was like a turd inside someone who'd accidentally swallowed an engagement ring: I was nothing, yet I carried something uniquely special.
Alissa Nutting
#58. You're not clever. You don't know what you want. You have no proper fierceness. You let other people walk over you. Sometimes I think you're a weakling who will never amount to a dog turd. Does that answer your question? I love you better. I always have.
John Steinbeck
#60. I was talking to my friend from New York yesterday, and I used the expression, 'You can't polish a turd'. He looked at me, disgusted, and said, 'No, you can't, but you can roll it in glitter'. He's a lovely guy but I wouldn't want to go to a craft fair with him
Steve Williams
#61. He's as smooth as a fresh-laid turd and gives off the same smell.
Ian Rankin
#62. I disliked them all immediately, sitting around acting clever and superior. They nullified each other. The worst thing for a writer is to know another writer, and worse than that, to know a number of writers. Like flies on the same turd.
Charles Bukowski
#64. Life and literature is a question of what one thrills to, and further than that no man shall ever go without putting his foot in a turd.
Philip Larkin
#65. She smiled at him. It was her special smile. Her please go away you piece of sub-proletarian turd smile.
Helen Zahavi
#66. The business friend did not recognize the sewerman, which was not surprising as the man's face was no more than a shining turd.
Elias Canetti
#67. Car salespersons sell pieces of crap.
Politicians sell the whole turd.
Preachers sell the whole damn cistern!
Alan VanMeter
#68. Rowf's rump slid suddenly forward as smoothly as a turd from a healthy anus.
Richard Adams
#69. But just let me tell you something, son, a woman's love is like the morning dew, it's just as apt to settle on a horse turd as it is on a rose. So you better just get over it.
Larry McMurtry
#70. Don't ever write a novel unless it hurts like a hot turd coming out
Charles Bukowski
#71. And then there's my brother Wally; he's four years younger than me, and he's the classic younger brother
a turd. The Turd is kind of like that old nursery rhyme about snails and puppy dog tails; he's got the intelligence of a slug and he's about as well house-trained as a Chihuahua.
Huston Piner
#72. A turd placed in the snow will become hard and significantly less odorous than its warm weather counterpart. This doesn't mean that it has ceased to be a turd.
P.J. Hetherhouse
#73. I always say to my religious friends, if a pool had even one turd in it, would you jump in?
Bill Maher
#75. Jerry Bruckheimer creates comedy, he just doesn't realize because he's a turd.
Trey Parker
#76. Sometimes a phone made me think of an elephant turd. You know, all the shit you hear. A phone is a phone but what comes through it is another matter.
Charles Bukowski
#77. Miss Green can call a turd a rose if she wants, but that don't mean people's going to be lining up to smell it.
K. Martin Beckner
#78. If every time we choose a turd, society, at a great expense, simply allows us to redeem it for a pepperoni, then not only will we never learn to make smart choices, we will also surrender the freedom to choose, because a choice without consequences is no choice at all.
Tom Robbins
#79. Wally, stop playing with your beans."
Mom is participating in a nightly ritual that never changes. Tonight, The Turd's picking up lima beans, sniffing each one, and burying it in his mashed potatoes.
"I'm not playing with them," he says, matter-of-factly. "I'm checking them for fleas.
Huston Piner
#80. Like they say, no point in rubbin' a turd.
Julia Wertz
#81. That man is such a damn turd monkey."
"Grandma!" I said.
"Oh, Zoeybird, did I call your mother's husband a damn turd monkey out loud?"
"Yes, Grandma, you did."
She looked at me, her dark eyes sparkling. "Good.
Kristin Cast
#82. I like to work with people who have a sense of putting a song over, and can sing in tune, and with passion. With technology you can polish a turd, but there's still no button you can press for passion.
Tony Visconti
#83. rectangular slab of mincemeat that everyone, including the servers, referred to as baked turd.
Robert Muchamore
#84. A woman's love is like the morning dew. It's just as likely to settle on a horse turd as a rose.
Larry McMurtry
#85. The trouble with most coaches is that they start with the assumption that everybody is a turd. And that ain't right.
Bum Phillips
#86. Shoving the ends at him, I headed for the common. It wasn't far away: a green, tree-lined oasis, brightened with many seasonal varieties of Coca-Can discardus, Crisp-packetus-cheese-and-onionus, and the occasional, fragrant dog turd underfoot.
Elizabeth Young
#88. I was like a turd that drew flies instead of like a flower that butterflies and bees desired. I wanted to live alone,I felt best being alone, cleaner,,,
Charles Bukowski
#89. ...some of it's how he acts like he's King Shit of Turd Mountain, but mostly it's that he's sneaky, and he likes to hurt
Stephen King
#90. Listen you little turd, don't tell me my business. It's not worth the risk," the Old Man snarled.
"But Green ... Yikes, that stings!
Judy Byington
#91. But where did this veneration of childbirth come from? I missed that meeting. Childbirth is wonderful, childbirth is a miracle. Wrong. It's no more a miracle than eating food and a turd coming out your ass.
Bill Hicks
#92. Even summarized, it sounded nuttier than a squirrel turd at a peanut festival.
Laura Kaye
#93. So do you want a turd sandwich or a turd sandwich with mustard. I'd go with the mustard, but still, it's a turd sandwich.
Cody Lundin
#94. You'll have something to ride on that doesn't make your cock look as small as that gaudy turd.
James S.A. Corey
#95. Although to be fair, cherry picking isn't quite what we do. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd mining. And I'll thank you to give our work the respect it deserves!
Jon Stewart
#96. What I'm going to do is pry every stinking tag off these f.ing chairs and make a f.ing collar and throw that cat right in Connor's puked-up face. Pale turd.
John Updike
#98. Bruce Percy, a brilliant landscape photographer, once said to me, "You can't polish a turd." Wise words.
David DuChemin
#99. Apparently, it was possible to polish a turd.
Liliana Hart
#100. I like to think of myself as a regular guy, except I play football for a living. I try not to be an arrogant turd out there.
Brian Urlacher
