Top 100 Travel Humor Quotes
#1. The last we heard of him was a picture postcard from Mazatlan, on the Pacific coast of Mexico, containing a message of two words: "Hello - Goodbye!" and no address.
Tennessee Williams
#2. I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.
Oscar Wilde
#3. Nothing in the universe can travel at the speed of light, they say, forgetful of the shadow's speed.
Howard Nemerov
#4. The pleasant fact is that the British are not much good at violent crime except in fiction, which is of course as it should be.
Bill Bryson
#5. Statuettes of drunken sailors, velvet pictures of island maidens, plastic seashell lamps made in Taiwan. What contempt the people who think up souvenirs have for other people.
Diane Johnson
#6. A credit card allows you transcend time. For it allows you to put off until tomorrow what you bought today, while you are still paying what you bought yesterday.
Robert Morrissette
#7. If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion, and avoid the people, you might better stay home.
James A. Michener
#9. Ever since her trip with Alexia to Scotland, Mrs. Tunstell had rather a taste for foreign travel. Alexia blamed it on the kilts.
Gail Carriger
#10. I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
Mitch Hedberg
#11. If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Steven Wright
#12. Within a science fictional space, memory and regret are, when taken together, the set of necessary and sufficient elements required to produce a time machine.
Charles Yu
#13. A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.
Rodney Dangerfield
#14. I am charging you with the protection of my mother and friends, not to mention keeping my younger self off the Internet. He is as dangerous as Opal.
Eoin Colfer
#15. My need to parent is so much bigger, sometimes, than my children's need for parenting.
Margot Page
#16. All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.
Billy Connolly
#17. The drive to Santa Fe on I-25 is midly zen. There are public road signs that say "Gusty Winds May Exist". This seems more like lazy philosophy than travel advice.
Chuck Klosterman
#18. When we told our guide that we didn't want to go to all the tourist places he took us instead to the places where they take tourists who say that they don't want to go to tourist places. These places are, of course, full of tourists.
Douglas Adams
#19. Why you'll never see a woman with a bomb in her shoe: we have too much respect for shoes.
Carolyn V. Hamilton
#21. It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on earth has ever produced the expression, 'As pretty as an airport.
Douglas Adams
#22. For a man to get married and stay married, he must detach from and disavow the three things that bind him to reality: sex, travel, and near-death experiences.
Brian D'Ambrosio
#23. When my muffin top makes an appearance after a dedicated weekend of pizza indulging, when I feel too tired to write and all my words sound boring, when my students aren't laughing at my jokes, I am still enough.
Michelle Elaine Kennedy
#24. There's a mathematics to nesting, I'm sure, that explains how length of stay + space available = accumulating way too much stuff.
Amy Smith
#25. The website increases my excitement when I read, "Hark, the pies are calling!" My excitement is short-lived, however. I read the page again and realize that it is "pipes" that are calling, not "pies" as I had hoped. I am disappointed. I personally react better to the call of pies.
Aefa Mulholland
#26. I've never understood people who just go out for one drink. Once I have one drink, I want all the drinks.
Vicki Lesage
#27. Can I just say that I don't care if two planes or trains or whatever take off from different locations at different times and travel at different speeds. I am not traffic control, so why the hell would I care what time they'd pass each other?
Devon Ashley
#28. I turned to my own bunk and examined it with a kind of appalled fascination. If the mattress stains were anything to go by, a previous user had not so much suffered from incontinence as rejoiced in it. He had evidently included the pillow in his celebrations.
Bill Bryson
#29. Just because you are on a path to damnation, doesn't mean you're going to get there. Be willing to change your travel plans.
Wllm Worth
#30. Albatrosses and penguins are the last birds I'd want to murder.
Bruce Chatwin
#31. Writing is not always a writer's playtime. It's actually a work in progress. Few understand this and mistakenly believe we're wasting time. But it's never a waste of time when doing what you love.
David Lucero
#32. Percy's thoughts: I don't recommend shadow travel if your scared of:
A) The dark
B) Cold shivers up your spine
C) Strange noises
D) Going so fast you feel like your is peeling off
In other words I thought it was awesome
Rick Riordan
#33. Then a beat-up car lurched into sight towing an even more beat-up car. As the cars came near, I saw that they were connected back to front by a loop made of two seat belts buckled to each other. That was the only time I ever saw a Russian use a seat belt for any purpose at all.
Ian Frazier
#34. If travel were so inspiring and informing a business ... then the wisest men in the world would be deck hands on tramp steamers, Pullman porters, and Mormon missionaries.
Sinclair Lewis
#35. Our democratic faith is more than the creed of our country, it is the inborn hope of our humanity, an ideal we carry but do not own, a trust we bear and pass along. And even after nearly 225 years, we have a long way yet to travel.
George W. Bush
#36. Bowen looked nervously about for peasants. It would be unendurable if they all turned out to be full of instinctive wisdom and natural good manners and unself-conscious grace and a deep, articulate understanding of death.
Kingsley Amis
#37. Although I understand that all days are equal with 24 hours each, most of us agree that Friday is the longest day of the week and Sunday the shortest!
D.S. Mixell
#38. War created the conditions for great advances in technology...without war men would not traverse oceans in hours, travel in space, or microwave popcorn.
Adrian R. Lewis
#39. Time travel is awesome ... And useful. That sentence had a typo when I typed it ... The first time.
Craig Benzine
#40. Sence and Sensibility, for instance, came out in three separate volumes, as did Pride and Prejudice (so the next time you read one of the ubiquitous time-travel Austen adaptations and somebody picks up a single-volume first edition, you can hit your nerd buzzer and say "wrong!").
Amy Smith
#41. The desert doesn't care who you are, and neither does anyone or anything who lives in it.
Deanne Stillman
#42. If you still believe that aliens would travel hundreds of light years to carve temporary graffiti in our wheat, then your imagination is one of the seven wonders of the world, and should be bronzed.
Seth Shostak
#43. You've never had wok-seared spicy broccoli until you've had takeout trans-temporal wok-seared spicy broccoli delivered by a copy of yourself.
Magnus Von Black
#45. As the carriage bumped her bones along the dark country lanes, Martha decided that if she ever got back to her own time she would write a book called 'Travel in the Edwardian Era. It would be a short book - OUCH in capital letters followed by fifty pages of bad language.
Stephen Cole
#46. It is not the destination where you end up but the mishaps and memories you create along the way!
Penelope Riley
#47. I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.
Mark Twain
#48. I would advise the curious reader to keep in mind the old adage "truth is stranger than fiction." Expect the most outlandish, fantastic and unbelievable elements of this story to be true, and the more low-key elements to be fudged.
Dan Grajek
#50. People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but *actually* from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint - it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly ... time-y wimey ... stuff.
Steven Moffat
#51. Space: the gaping hole between land and other land.
SE Zbasnik
#52. If you think it's bad now, my friend, wait till we reach a town!' He shook his head and brushed at his tattered, dirty shirtsleeve. 'Do try to remember we're visitors-and not welcome ones-if you should feel moved to reason with anyone.
David Weber
#53. You been going through my undies?" I asked. Bruiser's mouth twitched. " 'Cause all I got with me are the travel undies. The leather, silk, and lace stuff is all in the mountains."
"You got leather undies?" Bruiser asked, intrigued. [ ... ]
I smiled, showing teeth. "Nope.
Faith Hunter
#54. Three more awards received in 2017
Gold for Seb Cage Begins His Adventures
Gold for The Time Slipsters
Silver for The Deaduction Agency
Terry Tumbler
#55. Night falls over Machu Picchu to the sound of Abba's 'Dancing Queen'.
Michael Palin
#56. I never felt so fervently thankful, so soothed, so tranquil, so filled with a blessed peace, as I did yesterday when I learned that Michael Angelo was dead.
Mark Twain
#57. Will you treat people who make you miserable, as prison guards, or travel agents?
Leslie Miklosy
#58. Damn Lyric, it isn't torture. It's travel. Get some sleep."
- Sabine
J.W. Ellis
#59. Have you ever heard of the theory of relativity?"
Artemis blinked. "Is this a joke? I have traveled through time, Doctor. I think I know a little something about relativity.
Eoin Colfer
#60. Man, you should write a book.'
'I know. You couldn't make this stuff up, could you?
Stephanie Wood
#63. I had aimed at Mars and was about to hit Venus; unquestionably the all-time cosmic record for poor shots.
Edgar Rice Burroughs
#64. Life is way too short to get lost, so follow the script the way it comes and keep changing the checkpoints on every page.
Neetesh Dixit
#65. Solutions sometimes present themselves after a reset.
Les Lynam
#67. Celebrities are like infants. Neither can wipe their own ass.
Michael Brian
#68. It was one of those situations I often find myself in while traveling. Something's said by a stranger I've been randomly thrown into contact with, and I want to say, Listen. I'm with you on most of this, but before we continue, I need to know who you voted for in the last election.
David Sedaris
#70. In another place was a vast array of idols - Polynesian, Mexican, Grecian, Phoenician, every country on earth I should think. And here, yielding to an irresistible impulse, I wrote my name upon the nose of a steatite monster from South America that particularly took my fancy.
H.G.Wells
#71. He has a passport," my classmates would whisper. "Quick, let's run before he judges us!
David Sedaris
#72. When I travel, I get lovesick. Well, they call it chlamydia.
Jimmy Carr
#73. The Creator made Italy from designs by Michelangelo.
Mark Twain
#74. There a dozen ways to skin a cat. All of them are illegal.
Ness Kingsley
#75. It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
Woody Allen
#76. We believed Paris was the start of us. It's the kind of city that makes you think of beginnings, or even juicy middles. Paris is a book to savor, in whole or in part, at any time and in any season. At age ninety or at thirty-four, you can open any chapter and read from there.
Michelle Gable
#78. For me, boviscopophobia (=the morbid fear of being seen as bovine) is an even stronger motive than semi-agoraphobia for staying on the ship when we're in port.
David Foster Wallace
#79. The best conversation I had was over forty million years ago,' continued Marvin.
Douglas Adams
#80. If you've ever tried ba travel, I wouldn't recommend it
unless of course you fancy turning into a phantom chicken and rafting uncontrollably through the currents of the Duat.
Rick Riordan
#81. I pulled my suitcase out of the backseat of my bug, along with Cannoli's new travel case, a spiffy animal print pet backpack on wheels. When I first saw it, I thought maybe the dog was supposed to wear the backpack, but it turned out the person wore the backpack with the dog in it.
Claire Cook
#82. It is the right of a traveller to vent their frustration at every minor inconvenience by writing of it to their friends.
Susanna Clarke
#83. Everywhere we walked we got plenty of attention due to the camera and sound men. The locals love to get on camera. [ ... ] I'd seen footage of Gandhi surrounded like this and always thought it was because he was very popular, but now I wonder if it was just because he had a camera crew with him.
Karl Pilkington
#84. Don't take everything for granted, and do not always count on finding everything you need.
Larry Herzberg
#85. I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong.
Mitch Hedberg
#86. Occasionally, merely for the pleasure of being cruel, we put unoffending Frenchmen on the rack with questions framed in the incomprehensible jargon of their native language, and while they writhed, we impaled them, we peppered them, we scarified them, with their own vile verbs and participles.
Mark Twain
#87. Hunters will tell you that a moose is a wily and ferocious forest creature. Nonsense. A moose is a cow drawn by a three-year-old.
Bill Bryson
#88. What's with savage humans always wanting to cannibalize us?" Jaden asks as she runs past Summer to check for any more of the Tainted around the corner.
"They want to suck your blood," Rob says in a Romanian accent.
Jaden snorts. Too bad humor won't help them out of this mess.
Laura Kreitzer
#89. Though most tourists accepted the occasional comic misadventure, it was important to them that overall their vacation should be pleasant. When you spend money on a holiday you are essentially purchasing happiness: if you don't enjoy yourself you will feel defrauded.
Alison Lurie
#90. Horror has been a genre since the beginning of cinema, all the way back to the days of silent films. I don't think it will ever go away because it's so universal. Humor doesn't always travel to other countries, but horror does.
John Carpenter
#91. And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before
and thus was the Empire forged.
Douglas Adams
#92. The Scooby gang doesn't travel because they are looking for crimes to solve. They travel because they're one step ahead of the deprogrammers. Somehow, Fred's got them all snookered. It probably has something to do with the Scooby Snacks.
John Scalzi
#93. You can find your way across this country using burger joints the way a navigator uses stars.
Charles Kuralt
#94. Well, more or less, you just got struck by lightning."
"Wait, what?" My brain stopped processing for a prolonged moment unable to wrap around that one. How the hell had that happened? "So basically I was filled with 1.21 jiggawatts?
Can I travel through time now?
Elizabeth Sharp
#95. Tout les jours you are coming some fresh game or other on me, mais vous ne pouvez pas play this savon dodge on me twice!
Mark Twain
#96. The logic underlying the truism that one should always travel on a plane with a book is also precisely why bed-and-breakfast culture is to be avoided if at all possible. Namely, you might have to talk to someone.
David Rakoff
#97. It is not every tourist who bubbles over with mirth, and that unquenchable spirit of humor which turns a trial into a blessing.
Agnes Repplier
#99. ...being a weatherman in Ireland is about the biggest scam going.
Rachel Friedman
#100. Veni, vidi, vici. That was easy for Julius Caesar to say; he crossed Italy in a chariot, not on a stupid bike." - Vivia
Leah Marie Brown
