Top 100 Sarcasm Humor Quotes
#1. Don't read it. Just shred and burn, or your eyes will melt.
Rachel Caine
#2. With a sense of humor like that, you could make a living as a garbage man anywhere in the country.
Jim Butcher
#3. Well, because you mysteriously came all this way and obviously are not the man I thought you were, why the heck not. So, Phet, if that's even your real name, tell
me, how do I defeat Lokesh?"
"It's simple. Do to him what I did to you."
"What? Talk to him in broken English?
Colleen Houck
#4. Kaitlyn froze and then said in a low tone, "That'd better be your gun."
"Why yes, I always pack my gun where it'll blow my balls off."[Landon]
Patrice Michelle
#5. What are American dry-goods? asked the duchess, raising her large hands in wonder and accentuating the verb.
American novels, answered Lord Henry.
Oscar Wilde
#6. Hhhmm. A sense of humor." He cocked his head to the side.
"That actually might annoy me."
She frowned, ignoring the teasing sound to that oh-so-low voice
and, with heavy sarcasm answered, "Oh, well, that'll keep me up
nights.
G.A. Aiken
#7. Don't worry about it; only worry about how people like her breed.
Gasmaskman
#8. Oh I'd be more than happy to hold, I'll just spend the time working on that brain tumor.
David C. Holley
#11. It's okay to like jerks. I mean, it'd be better to like a nice guy, but there aren't any.
Daniel Handler
#12. Getting married is like trading in the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.
Mae West
#13. I don't know how you persist in being so stubborn-"
"It's a superpower. I was bitten by a radioactive mule.
Shannon Hale
#14. I speak two languages: English and Sarcasm.
Don Rittner
#16. You did not just say that. I have a feeling we're on the verge of hugging and coming up with cute nicknames for each other.
Richelle Mead
#17. I try to smile at her, but I can't extend my flexibility training to my mouth, it just won't move.
Steph Campbell
#18. You were a well-respected agent, Michael, a rags-to-riches fairytale ending. Until you became disgraced. Now it appears your own organization wishes to be rid of you. Why is this?"
"My gun turned back into a pumpkin.
Nenia Campbell
#19. Are you sure that's Val?"
"No," said Freddie. "It's Lassie in a wolf suit.
Debra Doyle
#20. I'm fine, considering I can't walk anymore," Pam replied, a sarcastic edge in her voice. "You look like your bringing news. What is it this time, I'm blind?
C.B. Cook
#21. You can give me detention. Oh, wait, that's right ... you aren't the boss of me. So I guess you can just bite me. -Dean
Jeff Mariotte
#22. Sometimes we know people who are
too wonderful for words. I am not one of them.
Or you, for that matter, as you well know.
Michael Hogan
#23. Civilization is held together by duct tape and spit, and I'm worried about the duct tape.
Jacqueline Patricks
#24. Gotta have my make up, in case I run into Joey and he wants to beat the shit out of me. Gotta look my best! Maybe he'll punch me repeatedly in the kidneys and the stomach so it doesn't mark up my face. He's so thoughtful!
George Carlin
#25. You seem to know a lot about it," she said. "And you do subtleties."
"Yeah. Like I've always wanted to destroy the Nine Worlds while committing suicide."
"Well, there's no need to be rude," protested Sif.
Joanne Harris
#26. Uh, yeah - how about a warm hell no to that request? Does that work for you? Because it works for me.
Tahereh Mafi
#28. What exactly constitutes an emergency in a modelling agency? Two girls fighting to death with a hair straightener?
Kate Forster
#29. As a general rule, I preferred not to have my soul reaped.
Rick Riordan
#30. I do." He was clearly amused by my disdain. "We have only been speaking for two minutes, Paige. Try not to waste all your sarcasm in one breath."
I wanted to kill him. As it happened, I couldn't.
Samantha Shannon
#31. Whatever doesn't kill them, makes them make reality TV shows ...
Glen Duncan
#32. The key to humor is often self-loathing or sarcasm. In a sense, that's how self-loathing is made palatable.
James Gray
#33. You must have been going very fast."
"I was, until I hit the fence.
Anthony Horowitz
#34. As I grabbed my cocoa, chocolate ran down my hand.
"This makes me feel like a five-year-old," I said, licking it off.
"If I ordered a sandwich at this place, do you think they'd cut the crusts off?
Mindi Scott
#35. I guess we'll just sit around here and casually die, then.
Olivia Harvard
#36. I hope you're not smoking in front of her,' Lucia says to him.
'Yeah, I lie in bed and puff in her face, Lucia,' he says, irritated.
Melina Marchetta
#37. I've been trying to figure that out since I met him. I've had more luck trying to smell the color nine.
Jenny Allen
#38. Kei: Is there anything else you need while I'm here, Your Highness?
Cabot: No, but you can leave the sarcasm in there.
Stefne Miller
#40. There's been a lot written on the topic of minimalism. But I still believe in it.
Ryan Lilly
#41. A lot of people have it in for me. It's practically a school sport.
Nenia Campbell
#42. Don't waste yer' breath kid. Explainin' anything to that one? It's like tryin' ta' slap the dumb off a retard ... -George Foster
Shawn Durnin
#43. Death's got an Invisibility Cloak?" Harry interrupted again.
"So he can sneak up on people," said Ron. "Sometimes he gets bored of running at them, flapping his arms and shrieking ...
J.K. Rowling
#44. Your hand lingered on my butt to make sure I understood, right?"
"I did everything slow, so even someone with limited perceptive abilities could follow what I was doing.
Martyn V. Halm
#45. Weapons master is giving me special lessons." she (Amily) chuckled. " He calls then How Not To Get Killed lessons.
Mercedes Lackey
#47. Well, bloody noses." I hug his coat tighter. "Those are definitely hot.
Stephanie Perkins
#48. You want a friend in this city? [Washington, DC.] Get a dog!
Harry Truman
#49. Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
Ambrose Bierce
#50. Turner didn't have to put up with this. He had enough trouble with George's sarcasm. He held his hand. "Keys please."
Her face fell. "Sorry. I sometimes speak without thinking. Well, not sometimes. Often. Never an unspoken thought, my dad used to say. And my mum. And my employers.
Barbara Elsborg
#51. I thought the line 'I am the daughter of the former governor of Alaska' was very funny. I think the word is 'sarcasm.' In my family we think laughing is good. My parents raised me to have a sense of humor and to live a normal life.
Andrea Fay Friedman
#52. What? You mean this crap shack isn't part of the Four Seasons. Shocking.
Ashley Elston
#53. Double Sword Tavern." Tristan said, reading out loud. "Sounds charming and inviting.
B.C. Morin
#54. The Amulet of Samarkand. It was Simon Lovelace's. Now it is yours. Soon it will be Simon Lovelace's again. Take it and enjoy the consequences.
Jonathan Stroud
#55. You are such a kind and caring man, and so sizzling hot and studly. Please, please don't go nutty on me.
Nicki Elson
#56. You couldn't find your dick in the dark, you scheming, sleaze-mongering scumwad.
Nenia Campbell
#57. I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.
George Carlin
#58. Should I pull on a shirt?" he asked with hint of amusement. I WILL NOT BLUSH. "No." He'd be doing the world a favor if he never wore a shirt again, but I wasn't going to tell him that part. "You're fine.
Gena Showalter
#59. She washed he hands,then looked at my side. "you haven't even had it stitched?" She said incredulously.
"I've been rather busy," I said. "With the running like hell and hiding all night.
Patrick Rothfuss
#60. Child-- "I can't be patient, that's not a word, so don't even say it mommy."
Mommy-- "What?
Mel Brown
#61. Well after that testosterone-shattering experience, I have no more dignity to worry about. Ever. Anyone have a cushion I can sit on? A really big fluffy one? Hell, let's even make it pale pink with bows on it just for good measure.
Sherrilyn Kenyon
#62. Miss Prendregast!" He rapped on his desk with his knuckles. "You were never in any danger!"
"Except from the wild animals."
His lids swept down as if he needed a reprieve from looking at her. "Alert me if you're attacked by a rabbit.
Christina Dodd
#63. A painting is worth a thousand confused art-gallery visitors.
Ljupka Cvetanova
#64. Your quick 'no' is because I refused to say 'yes' to sex. They say men think with their dicks. I hope you do not run Easton with your -
Avery Aster
#65. That's the spirit! Make it chicken broth or nothing. That's putting the old foot down. If she's determined to have a nervous breakdown, the least we can do is see that she doesn't have it in peace.
J.D. Salinger
#66. - Why did blondes vote for Clinton?
- They didn't know how to read and thought she can make their life hilarious!
Bryanna Reid
#67. Just remember that you're on my list, Marcone. Soon as I get done with all the other evils in this town, you won't be the lesser of them anymore."
Marcone stared at me with half-lidded eyes and said, "Eek.
Jim Butcher
#68. I always had to rely on humor and sarcasm. And when I started having kids, that doesn't work with kids. Kids don't understand sarcasm, and they certainly don't understand my humor.
Kurt Fuller
#69. Listen, Peaches, trickery is what humans are all about," said the voice of Maurice. "They're so keen on tricking one another all the time that they elect governments to do it for them.
Terry Pratchett
#70. When all else fails ... try smoking a good cigar and have a stiff drink. If that doesn't work ... have another.
Timothy Pina
#71. I - though forced through lack of space to assume the form of a stoic guinea pig crouched between the girl's shoe and the glove compartment - was my usual dignified self.
Jonathan Stroud
#72. You listen to any monologue on late-night TV or just in general, to people talking, and there's always a joke at someone's expense. It's sarcasm; it's nasty. Kids grow up hearing that, and they think that's what humor is, and they think it's OK. But that negativity permeates the entire planet.
Ellen DeGeneres
#73. Optimism: That effervescent, blindingly- bright, perky, chipper, twittering quality you want to squash out of annoying people.
Richelle E. Goodrich
#74. If you have to explain your sense of humor, then you are performing for the wrong crowd.
Shannon L. Alder
#75. I swear to God, if GreatReads doesn't stop sending me these notification emails...how many times do I have to turn them off?
Melanie Marchande
#76. I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks. 'We spent one night together.'
'You had sex then?'
'No we crocheted a quilt.' I cocked my head to side and gave him my nastiest glare. Lorelei Preston to Agent Brody-The Wild Hunt
Ashley Jeffery
#77. Somebody says, 'Do a Tom Bodett, a folksy kind of thing,' and it sounds like something out of 'Hee Haw,' very insulting. They turn wry humor into disparaging sarcasm, and you get what amounts to insulting advertising.
Tom Bodett
#78. Lea, you know you should never have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
Christine Zolendz
#79. You know, most boys enjoy being trapped in close quarters with a girl.
Veronica Roth
#80. I thank Lord Brahma that your preference doesn't extend to a man being loyal to same woman for many lifetimes!
Amish Tripathi
#81. I don't do what I'm told, but I might do what you want if you ask me nicely.
Cassandra Clare
#82. She wished she had a set of greeting cards at the ready, but Hallmark probably didn't make any that said Thank you for giving up your life so that me and my friends could escape! It was SO appreciated. XOXO!
Gina Damico
#83. The cops got out of the car and came straight towards me. My first thought was, How hypocritical ... They head straight for the kid all in black ...
Bella Shadow
#84. Young people, nowadays, imagine that money is everything.
Yes, murmured Lord Henry, settling his button-hole in his coat; and when they grow older they know it.
Oscar Wilde
#85. You're just Little Miss Optimist, aren't you? Do you come with accessories, like a glass half full and lemons to make into lemonade, too?
Rachel Caine
#86. Why can't these American women stay in their own country? They are always telling us that it is the paradise for women.
It is. That is the reason why, like Eve, they are so excessively anxious to get out of it.
Oscar Wilde
#87. Sometimes Americans don't quite get my sense of humor. My good ol' British sarcasm seems to go over their heads.
Lee Westwood
#88. We don't have dealings. He just stalks me. I'm popular like that.
Nenia Campbell
#89. You might as well laugh at yourself,
everyone else is.
B.J. Neblett
#90. I used to jog but it's bad for the knees. Too much beta carotene turns you orange, too much calcium gives you kidney stones. Health kills.
Margaret Atwood
#92. I'm not bipolar, I've just had a bipolar life foisted upon me.
Daniel O'Malley
#93. There were so many viciously sarcastic ways to respond, Jaden's brain was temporarily paralyzed due to witty comeback overload.
Courtney Kirchoff
#94. It's weird, marriage. It's like this license that gives a person the legal right to control their spouse / their 'other half.
Jess C. Scott
#95. Then the small man suddenly ran after them and said:
"I want to get my haircut. I say, do you know a little shop anywhere where they cut hair properly? I keep on having my hair cut, but it keeps on growing again."
One of the tall men looked at him with the air of a pained naturalist.
G.K. Chesterton
#96. I don't believe this. This is utter shit!" I yelled.
"Does it look like I'm lying?" Steven asked.
I rolled my eyes at his incredibly stupid question, "I don't know. Let me look at you with my x-ray vision to see through this stupid blindfold and I'll get back to you.
Sara Massa
#97. As if I'd had time to drug it in the two milliseconds she'd let me out of her sight.
Nenia Campbell
#98. One day I'll work out what it is you are saying, my lad, and then you'll be in trouble.
Terry Pratchett
#99. Life has a whimsical way of kicking you in the throat. I find it to
be one huge cosmic joke at our expense, only nobody is laughing
but the forces that be - given that they are even a wee bit human.
Lori Goldson
#100. You're Professor Mills? The new one who teaches history?
As opposed to the old Professor Mills who preached overthrow of the government?
Josh Lanyon
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