Top 100 Quotes About Sarcasm And Humor
#1. In my opinion, I think sarcasm and humor in a song, without turning it into a novelty song, is really charming.
Alanis Morissette
#2. Sophie coughed, and Oliver felt his cheeks becoming warm.
"Don't be an ass, Andrew."
"That's a little bit difficult to accomplish, y'know?" Andrew replied. "I mean, if you had been so kind as to paint me with black and white stripes, I would've been a zebra!
Zeinab Alayan
#3. She's my best friend, and I know she means well, but as she talks I'm mentally calculating all the ways I could silence her. I'm bigger than her ... I wonder if I could use my straw for some sort of MacGyver inspired weapon.
Steph Campbell
#4. Yeah, over my scattered panties, I asked him to dinner and told him to bring a friend. - Laney
Joann I. Martin Sowles
#5. A man doesn't like to have his ego popped, especially when he prides himself on his sagacity, and then to be proved wrong by a man who claims he doesn't know anything.
E.A. Bucchianeri
#6. Don't make me climb across this desk and slap you, because I will.
H.M. Ward
#7. Do you really think that God in his heaven with all the angels, there from the beginning of time and looking towards the day of judgement day, really looks down on all the world and see's you and little harry and says 'whatever you choose to do is my will?'
"Yes i do." she says uncertainly.
Philippa Gregory
#8. Hello, Mrs. Tran ... I have David's homework. And if you ever want to see it again, you'll pay me the two million dollars I asked for.
Nenia Campbell
#9. You mean you don't want to come in and hold my hand while I piss?
Nenia Campbell
#10. Well, I think Leo's either going to learn a much needed lesson in social activity-- or go nuts and kill us all." -Crash
Hazel Blackthorn
#11. Puppies are cute. I'm fierce!"
"Yeah!" Evelyn snorted. "Romas says you're as fierce as a kitten."
"A kitten?" Kiera's tone grew more hurt. "I'm not afraid of him, just because he's twelve feet tall and can bench press me with his toes. It's not nice of him to say that
Lizzy Ford
#12. You know, sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.'
'And yet it is still extremely funny.
Cecelia Ahern
#13. Why fall? Let's rise in love together; and while we're at it, let's come up with lamer quotations.
Ahmed Mostafa
#14. I mean, I may not hold the record in cleaning house either, but if I've got old milk cartons that smell like maggots I bundle them up and put them out."
"I'm on a disability pension'" he said. "I'm socially incompetent.
Stieg Larsson
#15. Coming into your powers can be a very confusing time. Perhaps there is a book on the subject. If you like, we can go see Marian.
Yeah, right. Choices and Changes. A Modern Girl's Guide to Casting. My Mom Wants to Kill Me: A Self-Help Book For Teens.
Kami Garcia
#16. No. No way. That name is reserved for females with grace and elegance, not this girl. This girl is ... beastly.
Victoria Scott
#17. Kishan stretched out his hand and touched and earring lightly. His rakish pirate about-to-make-off-with-your-woman-and-what-do-you-think-you're-gonna-do-about-it look melted away to a soft smile that turned up the corner of his mouth.
Colleen Houck
#18. But nowhere in the file had anyone said, "Oh, and by the way, he runs like a gazelle with an espresso addiction." At least not in the parts I'd skimmed.
Lish McBride
#19. Thorn grunted and the metal control fell from his spasming fingers. It bounced across the dusty concrete and I stomped down as hard as I could. I felt more than heard the metallic crunch under my boot. Another irreplaceable artifact ruined, courtesy of Julia Reed.
Erica Lindquist
#20. Amy, Dan, and Nellie were sitting at a table in a conference room, examining reproductions of Franklin documents-some so rare, the librarians told her, the only copies existed in Paris.
"Yeah, here's a rare grocery list," Dan muttered. "Wow.
Rick Riordan
#21. Alec looked at her and shook his head. "How do you manage never to get mud on your clothes?"
Isabelle shrugged philosophically. "I'm pure at heart. It repels the dirt.
Cassandra Clare
#22. I don't want tea," said Clary, with muffled force. "I want to find my mother. And then I want to find out who took her in the first place, and I want to kill them."
"Unfortunately," said Hodge, "we're all out of bitter revenge at the moment, so it's either tea or nothing.
Cassandra Clare
#23. He said, "If God lived on Earth people would stalk his Facebook page and leave nasty comments on his Pinterest site." Then it sunk in- timing was everything and social media was the devil.
Shannon L. Alder
#24. While you were out JUDGING others, you left your closet door open...and guess what fell out!....Ooops
Karen Gibbs
#25. Life's a party. So smile and eat shit and pretend it's fucking caviar.
Nenia Campbell
#26. I don't know what it is about "magic happens"-stickers on cars but every time I see one I wanna get out my permanent marker and sneak over and write underneath it "so does cot death".
Tim Minchin
#27. You could shove it up your ass and pretend you're a corn dog.
COURTESY VIOLATION-RESPONSE MUTED-VIOLATION LOGGED
Ernest Cline
#28. I've given her signs! I've given her plenty of signs. What does she want me to do? Slap him across the face with my glove, and challenge him to pistols at dawn?
Molly Ringle
#29. Some sarcasm is best told simply. Some humor is best told big and some is best told small.
Kevin Hart
#30. You can't drive them around in the getaway van.' 'How about we don't call it the getaway van? People might get suspicious.' 'So what should we call it?' 'How about the van?' 'It doesn't change what it is and that it's a shitty thing to do. Someone might see them in it.
Cath Crowley
#31. Yes. Reyn is our resident horse master. He has an excellent seat."
I grinned. "I've noticed."
Reyn's face tightened and Nell flushed, looking embarrassed. "It's an equestrian term."
"Really? I thought you were talking about his ass.
Cate Tiernan
#32. I don't understand German myself. I learned it at school, but forgot every word of it two years after I had left, and have felt much better ever since.
Jerome K. Jerome
#33. He seemed only ... annoyed. Annoyed, and sweaty, and hot.
"Yeah, well," he said, "the next time you decide to sneak out of our magically warded apartment through a door that shouldn't really exist, leave a note.
Cassandra Clare
#34. Ah, Proph." Tom paused. "You did have a nightmare last night."
"And here I thought maybe I dreamed it," Prophet muttered sarcastically.
S.E. Jakes
#35. I love having to attend the one class that is being taught by a professor who feels that their class is the only class being taught at the University and gives nothing but busy work.
Heather Chapple
#36. It's fascinating. You know all these words, and they're all English, but when you string them together into sentences, they just don't make any sense.
Cassandra Clare
#37. I actually wanted to drive a stake through your heart when you first came here, all silent and moody. But you're not so bad, after all.
Christina Channelle
#38. High School. Society's bright idea to put all their aggressive, naive youth into one environment to torment and emotionally scar each other for life.
Chris Colfer
#39. Do you expect to learn anything at Shiz?" he asked. "I have already learned not to speak to strangers." "Then I will introduce myself and we will be strangers no longer. I am Dillamond." "I am disinclined to know you.
Gregory Maguire
#40. Congress should make it so that all sex scenes in all films should be provided with a screaming baby sound track. That should help take away all the fun and may show a major decrease in unwanted pregnancies without having to provide birth control to anyone.
Heather Chapple
#41. Was he hitting some type of werewolf midlife crisis? First, he'd left Wolf Town, and now he was envisioning a mate. What next? Bird watching? Board games? Retirement homes?
Rose Wynters
#45. What is your advice to young writers?"
"Drink, fuck and smoke plenty of cigarettes.
Charles Bukowski
#46. I'm pretty sure those're my balls you've found," I said to the man searching my pants. "You gonna count 'em out now? Because I'll save you the trouble. There's two.
Nenia Campbell
#47. If you didn't have me to rake you over the coals now and then, there wouldn't be any fire in your life at all.
Joe Hill
#48. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Felicity and Ann hunched over their ornaments as if they were fascinating relics from an archaeological dig. I note that their shoulders are trembling, and I realize that they are fighting laughter over my terrible plight. There's friendship for you.
Libba Bray
#49. I could just hear my mom now, You know those old candy cigarettes are bad for you. Next thing you know, you'll be drinking alcohol, and they'll find you dead in a ditch somewhere. I'll never be able to show my face in this town again.
K. Martin Beckner
#50. If you are a writer and you write/understand sarcasm please be thankful to the government and the masses.
Without their hard work and supreme idiotism it wouldn't have been possible.
You owe them the brutal sarcasm, they've earned it!
Himmilicious
#51. Thank you so much for the rude know-it-all attitude while also having to look at your ridiculously colored hair and obnoxious facial and chest piercings. I am very fortunate to have just been schooled by someone who looks like they graduated from Care Bear Carnage University.
Heather Chapple
#52. Double Sword Tavern." Tristan said, reading out loud. "Sounds charming and inviting.
B.C. Morin
#53. Civilization is held together by duct tape and spit, and I'm worried about the duct tape.
Jacqueline Patricks
#54. Gotta have my make up, in case I run into Joey and he wants to beat the shit out of me. Gotta look my best! Maybe he'll punch me repeatedly in the kidneys and the stomach so it doesn't mark up my face. He's so thoughtful!
George Carlin
#55. You seem to know a lot about it," she said. "And you do subtleties."
"Yeah. Like I've always wanted to destroy the Nine Worlds while committing suicide."
"Well, there's no need to be rude," protested Sif.
Joanne Harris
#56. Somebody says, 'Do a Tom Bodett, a folksy kind of thing,' and it sounds like something out of 'Hee Haw,' very insulting. They turn wry humor into disparaging sarcasm, and you get what amounts to insulting advertising.
Tom Bodett
#57. She wished she had a set of greeting cards at the ready, but Hallmark probably didn't make any that said Thank you for giving up your life so that me and my friends could escape! It was SO appreciated. XOXO!
Gina Damico
#58. The cops got out of the car and came straight towards me. My first thought was, How hypocritical ... They head straight for the kid all in black ...
Bella Shadow
#59. Young people, nowadays, imagine that money is everything.
Yes, murmured Lord Henry, settling his button-hole in his coat; and when they grow older they know it.
Oscar Wilde
#60. You're just Little Miss Optimist, aren't you? Do you come with accessories, like a glass half full and lemons to make into lemonade, too?
Rachel Caine
#61. I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks. 'We spent one night together.'
'You had sex then?'
'No we crocheted a quilt.' I cocked my head to side and gave him my nastiest glare. Lorelei Preston to Agent Brody-The Wild Hunt
Ashley Jeffery
#62. Then the small man suddenly ran after them and said:
"I want to get my haircut. I say, do you know a little shop anywhere where they cut hair properly? I keep on having my hair cut, but it keeps on growing again."
One of the tall men looked at him with the air of a pained naturalist.
G.K. Chesterton
#63. I don't believe this. This is utter shit!" I yelled.
"Does it look like I'm lying?" Steven asked.
I rolled my eyes at his incredibly stupid question, "I don't know. Let me look at you with my x-ray vision to see through this stupid blindfold and I'll get back to you.
Sara Massa
#64. One day I'll work out what it is you are saying, my lad, and then you'll be in trouble.
Terry Pratchett
#65. You did not just say that. I have a feeling we're on the verge of hugging and coming up with cute nicknames for each other.
Richelle Mead
#66. The Amulet of Samarkand. It was Simon Lovelace's. Now it is yours. Soon it will be Simon Lovelace's again. Take it and enjoy the consequences.
Jonathan Stroud
#67. You are such a kind and caring man, and so sizzling hot and studly. Please, please don't go nutty on me.
Nicki Elson
#68. I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.
George Carlin
#69. She washed he hands,then looked at my side. "you haven't even had it stitched?" She said incredulously.
"I've been rather busy," I said. "With the running like hell and hiding all night.
Patrick Rothfuss
#70. I thought the line 'I am the daughter of the former governor of Alaska' was very funny. I think the word is 'sarcasm.' In my family we think laughing is good. My parents raised me to have a sense of humor and to live a normal life.
Andrea Fay Friedman
#71. - Why did blondes vote for Clinton?
- They didn't know how to read and thought she can make their life hilarious!
Bryanna Reid
#72. Just remember that you're on my list, Marcone. Soon as I get done with all the other evils in this town, you won't be the lesser of them anymore."
Marcone stared at me with half-lidded eyes and said, "Eek.
Jim Butcher
#73. I always had to rely on humor and sarcasm. And when I started having kids, that doesn't work with kids. Kids don't understand sarcasm, and they certainly don't understand my humor.
Kurt Fuller
#74. When all else fails ... try smoking a good cigar and have a stiff drink. If that doesn't work ... have another.
Timothy Pina
#75. I - though forced through lack of space to assume the form of a stoic guinea pig crouched between the girl's shoe and the glove compartment - was my usual dignified self.
Jonathan Stroud
#76. You listen to any monologue on late-night TV or just in general, to people talking, and there's always a joke at someone's expense. It's sarcasm; it's nasty. Kids grow up hearing that, and they think that's what humor is, and they think it's OK. But that negativity permeates the entire planet.
Ellen DeGeneres
#77. Breslin gives me his wise-teacher smile, which is kind and crinkly and would make me feel warm all over if I was dumber than a bag of hair.
Tana French
#78. There is a fine line between sarcasm and hostility, you seemed to have crossed it. What's up?
Cassandra Clare
#79. And I have a tiny little moment of anxiety, because I can't remember whether or not we're meant to be boycotting mars bars.
David Nicholls
#80. I think one of the problems in this country is that too many people are screwing things up, committing crimes and then getting on with their lives. What is really needed for public officials who shame themselves is ritual suicide.
George Carlin
#81. I grew up as a very sarcastic person. I was always the class clown, and to date girls, I had to be really funny. I was really skinny growing up. I was so thin, I had to run around in the shower to get wet. That kind of thin. So I always had to rely on humor and sarcasm.
Kurt Fuller
#82. I am often thought of as being remarkably bright, and yet my brains, more often than not, are busily devising new and interesting ways of bringing my enemies to sudden, gagging, writhing, agonizing death.
Alan Bradley
#83. I have a theory that as human beings get older, chemicals are released into the brain to prepare us for the end. Sort of like how the nurse lubes your ass up before the anus-cam. It makes the whole thing a lot easier to swallow. Easier, not enjoyable.
Kris D'Agostino
#84. Humor does not include sarcasm, invalid irony, sardonicism, innuendo, or any other form of cruelty. When these things are raised to a high point they can become wit, but unlike the French and the English, we have not been much good at wit since the days of Benjamin Franklin.
James Thurber
#85. He explained civilization to me. I mean how it looks to him. He's going to let it go on a little while longer. But it better be careful and not interfere with his private life. If it does, he's apt to make a phone call to God and cancel the order.
Raymond Chandler
#86. In my youth, I was always one for the dramatic entrance. Now, in keeping with my character, I gravitate more toward the subtle and refined. Okay, with the occasional feathered serpent thrown in.
Jonathan Stroud
#87. Judging from the unfamiliar number, I assumed the text came from Shannon. If not, I would see who came by my house at 4:30 and go with it. Maybe it would be Mr. Darcy coming to pick me up in an extravagant horse-drawn carriage, but I couldn't picture Mr. Darcy using a cell phone.
Michelle Madow
#88. Television is a dirty business. To survive in it you have to be part weasel, part python, and part wolf. To succeed in it, you have to be 99.9 percent great white shark. The capacity for barefaced lying also comes in handy, particularly if you are freelance.
Matt Dickinson
#89. He's a gem, sir. I wish I had one just like him." He rattled the ring of keys on Artemis's belt. "And what are these?" Artemis scratched his head. "Uh, keys?
Eoin Colfer
#90. As a general rule, I preferred not to have my soul reaped.
Rick Riordan
#91. I guess we'll just sit around here and casually die, then.
Olivia Harvard
#92. I hope you're not smoking in front of her,' Lucia says to him.
'Yeah, I lie in bed and puff in her face, Lucia,' he says, irritated.
Melina Marchetta
#93. Death's got an Invisibility Cloak?" Harry interrupted again.
"So he can sneak up on people," said Ron. "Sometimes he gets bored of running at them, flapping his arms and shrieking ...
J.K. Rowling
#94. Turner didn't have to put up with this. He had enough trouble with George's sarcasm. He held his hand. "Keys please."
Her face fell. "Sorry. I sometimes speak without thinking. Well, not sometimes. Often. Never an unspoken thought, my dad used to say. And my mum. And my employers.
Barbara Elsborg
#95. I speak two languages: English and Sarcasm.
Don Rittner
#96. Well, because you mysteriously came all this way and obviously are not the man I thought you were, why the heck not. So, Phet, if that's even your real name, tell
me, how do I defeat Lokesh?"
"It's simple. Do to him what I did to you."
"What? Talk to him in broken English?
Colleen Houck
#97. Kaitlyn froze and then said in a low tone, "That'd better be your gun."
"Why yes, I always pack my gun where it'll blow my balls off."[Landon]
Patrice Michelle
#98. What are American dry-goods? asked the duchess, raising her large hands in wonder and accentuating the verb.
American novels, answered Lord Henry.
Oscar Wilde
#99. Hhhmm. A sense of humor." He cocked his head to the side.
"That actually might annoy me."
She frowned, ignoring the teasing sound to that oh-so-low voice
and, with heavy sarcasm answered, "Oh, well, that'll keep me up
nights.
G.A. Aiken
#100. Don't read it. Just shred and burn, or your eyes will melt.
Rachel Caine
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