Top 100 Quotes About Humour
#1. Oh! Do not excite yourself. Shall I say that he interested me because he was trying to grow a mustache and as yet the result is poor." Poirot stroked his own magnificent mustache tenderly. "It is an art," he murmured, "the growing of the mustache! I have sympathy for all who attempt it.
Agatha Christie
#3. There's so much light in Broughty Ferry. I think the humour in Glasgow is darker, because it's much more gloomy, there's a perpetual misery there.
Brian Cox
#4. If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.
Woody Allen
#5. In the context of fiercely monolingual dominant cultures like that of the United States, code-switching lays claim to a form of cultural power: the power to own but not be owned by the dominant language...Code-switching is a rich source of wit, humour, puns, word play, and games of rhythm and rhyme.
Mary Louise Pratt
#6. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as himself.
James Finn Garner
#7. Again and again, I learn how much friendship enriches my life, bringing warmth, assurance, humour, inspiration, a sense of security. It depends on honesty, trust, loyalty. It's about giving. It's for sharing the good times, but also the tough times, hurt, grief, sadness.
Quentin Bryce
#8. Do you know that an Irishman always respond to a question with another?"
And the Irish guy replies "Who told you that?
Cathy Kelly
#9. You can't possibly be thinking of sending him home! He can barely walk." Meg's smile began to slip. Ambulance crews were queuing almost out the door, and all this lad needed was a stat dose of Man-the-Fuck-Up.
Cari Hunter
#10. Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.
Oscar Wilde
#11. Finn crossed his arms and glared at Volusian. It was kind of a bold move, considering Finn looked like a cartoon character and Volusian looked like he ate the souls of small children. For all I knew, he probably did.
Richelle Mead
#12. In Rome there is a pathological shortage of small coins. For change, the little shops tend to use candy.
Dorothy Dunnett
#13. We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!
Douglas Adams
#14. What is Gornite? Why can't you heat it? Will it make you laugh? - I hope so
Lucas Riddle
#16. Henry Kissinger is possessed of a truly superior intelligence, in addition to which he has two qualities which, unfortunately, many great men lack: he is able to listen and he has a very subtle sense of humour.
Mohammed Reza Pahlavi
#18. Our friend Chewy doesn't speak much, but he chews a lot of tobacco so we call him Chewbacco.
Michael Diack
#19. This revolution - will it be a living?'
'We must hope so. Look, I have to go, I'm visiting a client. He's going to be hanged tomorrow.'
'Is that usual?'
'Oh, they always hang my clients. Even in property and matrimonial cases.
Hilary Mantel
#21. Men are scumbags until they prove they're women.
Robin Mellom
#22. Septimus: There is nothing more to be said about sexual congress.
Thomasina: Is it the same as love?
Septimus: Oh no, it is much nicer than that.
Tom Stoppard
#24. OMGOMGOMG she knows about spanners - SHE KNOWS I PICTURED RALPH'S SPANNER
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Diane Messidoro
#25. When I was in my early twenties I didn't have a need to rub together, back when my life was a series of wants and whims. But recently I had felt overwhelmed by longings that seemed to lunge out of me in the most awkward situations.
Tyne O'Connell
#26. Something girls never understood about poker night. The real point of the card play was to razz. Razzing calls forth unbridled farm-boy humour, earthy by some standards. The best quip involves belittling someone else's penis, or turning it back on the sayer, or both.
Allan Dare Pearce
#27. Adina appealed to the sky. "We asked for rescue and you sent us incompetent rockstar pirates with a broken ship and perfect abs?"
"Thank you, God," Petra said.
Libba Bray
#28. Don't tell me I should only talk to people with a high influence score, or I'll Klout you ...
John Geddes
#29. The ironic humor comes from the distance between what we understand about ourselves and what is truly going on in ourselves.
Robert Olen Butler
#31. And now for something completely different . . .
John Cleese
#32. That's great, Grace, but in case you've forgotten, we're supposed to kill vampires, not play nice and have lunch with them. - Archer
K.A. Last
#33. If countries were named after the words you first hear when you go there, England would have to be called "Damn It".
Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
#34. But you were concerned about making sure things, you know, didn't get serious."
"Yeah, because I'm an idiot.
Robyn Carr
#35. I'm back, boys and girls! back from the pink padded couch palace!
Scott McCloud
#36. When he came to, the eels were still being removed from him and Anvar was congratulating one of the rivermen. The man had smashed open a barrel of eels and covered both dwarf and zombie with them.
Ian Livingstone
#37. If any man, out of an humour, should turn all his Estate into Money, and keep it dead, he would soon be sensible of Poverty growing upon him, whilst he is eating out of the quick stock.
Dudley North
#38. Bucks, doe - thank God everything boils down to money, I always say."
"During mating season the doe constructs a bed for herself, and then she urinates all around the outside of it. That's how she gets her mate."
"So that's it," murmured Odette. "I was always peeing in the bed.
Lorrie Moore
#39. Apparently I write as a hobby, payment appears to be out of the question.
Roy A. Higgins
#40. What is a "canty day", Dennis?'
'I've never troubled to ask. Something like hogmanay, I expect.'
'What is that?'
'People being sick on the pavement in Glasgow.'
'Oh.
Evelyn Waugh
#42. He turned around, suddenly concerned. Are you pregnant? Are you gay? I'd rather you were gay than pregnant. Unless you're pregnant. Then we'll deal. Whatever it is, we'll deal. Are you pregnant?
Rainbow Rowell
#43. There is none so troubled as one who thinks himself perfectly sane.
Lois Greiman
#44. Brooke?" he finally found the sense to ask. "What are you doing here?"
"I need a gun."
This was not how his dream was supposed to go.
Shannon K. Butcher
#45. By the way, only a real man can accept his feminine side."
"I don't know who fed you that line of garbage, but I can promise she's laughing at you right now.
Gena Showalter
#46. The primary paradox that man is superior to all the things around him and yet is at their mercy.
G.K. Chesterton
#47. We ran both the courier service and a detective agency from the same office, and had phone apps for both. Basically, we're Uber for parcels and mysteries.
Jay Stringer
#48. It's interesting to see that people had so much clutter even thousands of years ago. The only way to get rid of it all was to bury it, and then some archaeologist went and dug it all up.
Karl Pilkington
#49. My indiscretion was a part of my author mystique, just like Charles Dickens and Richard Madeley.
Rosen Trevithick
#50. Not sweet like fruits, the heart of a maiden is a little sour.
Bunjuro Nakayama
#51. The sign of a good conscience is for a man to be in support of basically everything that Westboro Baptist isn't.
Luke Myer
#52. People tell me I shouldn't smoke because it is makes you look like a tit. I use exactly the same argument when people tell me they go to the gym.
Robert Clark
#53. Removing his helmet, Edward knelt by the stream called Swillgate, a name that effectively quenched any desire to drink from its depths.
Sharon Kay Penman
#54. My greatest strength is an unfocused mind. This is because while you are all thinking of one idea, I'm thinking of five different ideas. My greatest weakness however is an unfocused mind. This is because while I'm supposed to be thinking about one thing, I'm actually thinking of five other things.
Ben Mitchell
#55. Yeah, but if I don't start my nervous pacing now, I'll never have it all done in time.
Scott Lynch
#56. They all behaved as if they were absolutely disgusted by this, and amid the ribbing and hilarity that this elaborate performance of disgust and envy produced they were able to hide their true feelings of disgust and envy.
Jonathan Lynn
#57. I don't "lol". I tried it once but it just didn't agree with me.
R.D. Ronald
#59. Humour is essentially a comforter, reconciling us to things as they are in contrast to things as they might be.
Stephen Leacock
#60. Mincemeat is decidedly British in its nature and can therefore be disregarded entirely where most civilized palates are concerned.
Clayton Smith
#61. Chic rarely bothers to leave the Rue De Faubourg Saint-Honore.
Tyne O'Connell
#62. The other day, a friend of a friend said that everyone started out as girls, but boys evolved ... But don't worry girls, I hit him.
Ben Mitchell
#63. If I don't get a girlfriend soon (number one on the list) I may have to resort to drastic measures like surgery (me) or hypnosis (them).
J.A. Buckle
#64. I have inherited my father's sense of humour about myself. It's a lot more pleasant to make fun of yourself than when someone else does.
Stephen Sondheim
#65. The best thing about humour is that it shows people they are not alone.
Sid Caesar
#66. She didn't look like a Willow Queen. Of course, I'm not sure what exactly I expected - maybe something akin to Glinda the Good Witch. But this woman looked like Surfer Girl Barbie.
Richelle Mead
#67. You have to make choices even when there is nothing to choose from.
Peter Zilahy
#68. There was this about vampires : they could never look scruffy. Instead, they were ... what was the word ... deshabille. It meant untidy, but with bags and bags of style.
Terry Pratchett
#69. The awful part of the writing game is that you can never be sure the stuff is any good.
P.G. Wodehouse
#70. The Australian fans are really friendly and personable; the sense of humour is a lot less dry than the English.
Tom Hopper
#71. He said he wouldn't stay, as he didn't care much for the smell of the paint, and fell over the scraper as he went out. Must get the scraper removed, or else I shall get into a scrape. I don't often make jokes.
George Grossmith
#72. All young people worry about things, it's a natural and inevitable part of growing up, and at the age of sixteen my greatest anxiety in life was that I'd never again achieve anything as good, or pure, or noble, or true, as my O-level results.
David Nicholls
#73. Telescopes and bathyscapes and sonar probes of Scottish lakes, Tacoma Narrows bridge collapse explained with abstract phase-space maps, some x-ray slides, a music score, Minard's Napoleonic war: the most exciting new frontier is charting what's already here.
Randall Munroe
#74. I think British humour is very cruel, and gay humour is very cruel. I think the two go hand-in-hand and that's why they mix so well in England. I think that's why you get so many gay comedians in England that are accepted so well because British humour is very cruel. I love it.
Jason Sellards
#75. I recall when this place was a good 'n honest community hall with a great sense of place and pride but now it's just a hall and fuck the community.
Jonathan Dunne
#76. I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid I'll never get a chance to live!
A.A. Bell
#77. Mmmmmm
I like that thing you do with your tongue. What do you call it? Speaking? Yeah, I dig it
Bo Burnham
#78. Genuinely great humour recognises the world it's describing and yet we are also called into question by it. That's what great art should do. That's what great philosophy should do. The one thing about humour is that this is an everyday practice that does this.
Simon Critchley
#79. I liked, as I like still, to make words look self-conscious and foolish, to bind them by mock marriage of a pun, to turn them inside out, to come upon them unawares. What is this jest in majesty? This ass in passion? How do god and devil combine to form a live dog?
Vladimir Nabokov
#81. Humour and high seriousness ... Perfect bedfellows, I think. Though I usually phrase it in terms of comedy and darkness. Comedy without darkness rapidly becomes trivial. And darkness without comedy rapidly becomes unbearable.
Mark Haddon
#82. I believe I have moments of pure genius...the rest of them are all insanity.
Viveca Benoir
#83. I said, "Is there!" I told him there is a Mafia school where they teach them math - if Johnny has ten fingers and they cut off two, how many does he have left?
Joan Rivers
#84. They're horrible little creatures. All snot and smelly feet and pestering questions."
"Then why did you go into teaching?"
"It was either that or sit at home with Mother all day. I picked the lesser of two evils.
Brian Francis
#85. I think that London is very much like that. I find there's humour in the air and people are interesting. And I think that it's a place which is constantly surprising. The worst thing about it? I think it can be smug and aggressive.
Colin Firth
#86. Yes, it's amazing how little use you get out of a lemon zester on an all-blood diet.
Alexis Hall
#88. Try patting them on the back or shoulder and telling them everything is going to be fine. Lots of times when girls cry, they don't want you to fix the problem, they just want to be consoled.
Kiera Cass
#89. This guy was making me tired. "Thanks for the afternoon's entertainment," I said. "I'll flush a copy of my bill down the toilet. You should be getting it in a couple of days.
John Swartzwelder
#91. If you're going to live here, staying civil is as much a duty as sitting the steps or washing dishes. Now, while I bask in the glow of another moral sermon delivered with the precision of a master fencer, hold your applause and let's get back to last night.
Scott Lynch
#92. Ryan, when did you get a girlfriend?" his sister asked.
"She's not my girlfriend, Kaylen," Ryan replied. "Go away.
S. Walden
#93. I welcome reviews from all readers. I take criticism well; but please ... no comments on my author face!
C.C. Alma
#94. You Englishmen,' said Herr Wurter. 'You are all the same. Wherever you are you behave as if you were at home and your word was law.
Derek Raymond
#95. The old who refuse to die merely on principle live on forever, to hate life and complain of all the things they could have been spared had they the good sense to die young.
Michelle Franklin
#96. Remember: If you go for a walk with a friend in England, don't say a single word for hours; if you go for a walk with your dog, talk to it all the time.
George Mikes
#97. And I thought kitty liter was the unlawful practice of discarding small felines along the roadside.
Robert J. Morrissette
#98. The shock of photographed atrocities wears off with repeated viewings, just as the surprise and bemusement felt the first time one sees a pornographic movie wear off after one sees a few more.
Susan Sontag
#99. If politics were a musical, it would be "Promises, Promises".
Ronald Reagan
