Masturbating's Quotes

#1. If I'd known about all the masturbating I would generate - well, that would've been extraordinarily weird from many angles and I'm glad it didn't come up, as it were.

Carrie Fisher

#2. A perverse nature can be stimulated by anything. Any book can be used as a pornographic instrument, even a great work of literature if the mind that so uses it is off-balance. I once found a small boy masturbating in the presence of the Victorian steel-engraving in a family Bible.

Anthony Burgess

#3. Security people are often the black-and-white kind of people that I can't stand. I think the OpenBSD crowd is a bunch of masturbating monkeys, in that they make such a big deal about concentrating on security to the point where they pretty much admit that nothing else matters to them.

Linus Torvalds

#4. I think masturbating is a really important function in art. People don't like to hear that kind of stuff, but it's true.

Patti Smith

#5. When I found out after that first successful exhibition that the gallery wanted me to do another show like the first one, I come out two years later with four 6-foot drawings of classical nudes masturbating. The gallery director flipped the freak out!

Betty Dodson

#6. How did I know? Paul, I've known since you were eight and I caught you masturbating in front of the TV to Bo and Luke Duke.

Heidi Cullinan

#7. It's not like I got caught masturbating, for chrissake; she doesn't know me, why the hell would she care if I'm superstitious? - Karen

S.D. Perry

#8. Pornography is not in the hands of the child who discovers his sexuality by masturbating, but in the heart of the adult who slaps him.

Bernardo Bertolucci

#9. After discovering him in his threesome, I spent the next two weeks in bed suffering from a severe case of vagina elbow. It's a condition not unlike tennis elbow, but you get it from masturbating.

Chelsea Handler

#10. I will say it here on louder, all people to can hear it. I "DeYtH Banger" - I have masturbating problem ): .

Deyth Banger

#11. I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating

Mike Tyson

#12. I thought masturbating was embarassing. I didn't even know why. It just was. It was like having sex with yourself. Having sex with yourself was really weird. Autoeroticism.

Benjamin Alire Saenz

#13. There is no way I am masturbating with a gringo to something as vile and disgusting as worm-rape!

Vince Kramer

#14. Cornflakes was mainly build because of the reason masturbating. The creator thought that if you eat healty food you won't masturbate... is he right?

Deyth Banger

#15. The ceremony, likely aided by narcotics and hallucinogens, required Hubbard to channel the female deity of Babalon as Parsons performed the "invocation of wand with material basis on talisman" - in other words, masturbating on a piece of parchment. He typically invoked twice a night.

Lawrence Wright

#16. It's amazing what I could've written in my life if I had realized that I should keep writing and not masturbating.

Lewis Black

#17. Decaf is like masturbating with an oven mitt!

Robin Williams

#18. My friends keep telling me I'm doing it with Mary Palmer. That's not true - I'm too busy masturbating to meet anyone new.

Roddy Piper

#19. They would owe most of their success to a curious rape mania that rides on the shoulder of American journalism like some jeering, masturbating raven.
Nothing grabs an editor's eye like a good rape.

Hunter S. Thompson

#20. We all have our individual romantic or idealistic ideas. To get information that masturbation is our basic form of sex is hard, because who wants to admit they're masturbating?

Betty Dodson

#21. Someone could be paraphilic in both his erotic target and his favorite sex act. I mean, really, any pellismophilic nebulophile (someone whose most passionate moments involve masturbating in the foggy mist while listening to a person stutter) can see that.

Jesse Bering

#22. For years, Blockbuster Video has edited movies. Like The Bad Lieutenant, when he's masturbating while the girls in the car are doing the thing. I rented it from Blockbuster and sped to that scene, and it was gone. I called up Blockbuster, and I'm like, "I got an erection, and the scene's not there."

Louis C.K.

#23. That's where Time magazine lives ... way out there on the puzzled, masturbating edge, peering through the keyhole and selling what they see to the big wide world of Chamber of Commerce voyeurs who support the public prints.

Hunter S. Thompson

#24. Never fall asleep in a Dumpster, never underestimate a bee, never drive a convertible behind a flatbed truck, never get old, never get drunk near a train, and never, under any circumstances, cut off your air supply while masturbating.

David Sedaris

#25. Lester Coggins was a lifelong bachelor who as an adolescent had suffered nightmares of masturbating and looking up to see Mary Magdalene standing in his bedroom doorway.

Stephen King

#26. Don't forget, God can see you masturbating. But don't stop. He's almost there.

Sarah Silverman

#27. There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.

Dave Attell

#28. Getting caught masturbating sucks. I got caught masturbating in jail 7 or 8 times, it really sucks.

Ricky Martin

#29. Breaking news is the most masturbating thing journalists do.

Felix Salmon

#30. If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't taper off. You've got to quit, cold jerky!

Lenny Bruce

#31. Masturbation and meditation both promote physical and mental wellbeing.

Abhijit Naskar

#32. All I can say is that when millions of plastic dolls of you are being sold each day and an equal number of teenage boys are masturbating over you each night, it's bound to do something screwy to your psyche.

Carrie Fisher

#33. By the way, in that same session an ad popped up that said, "Tired of masturbating?" I thought, "Nope. Try me again in about one-hundred-fifty years.

Adam Carolla

#34. So painting your nails tonight, desperately alone?" Lucky guess on his part?
"Yes. Masturbating and crying into your pillow, Doctor Joshua?" He looks at the top button of my shirt.
"Yes. And don't call me that.

Sally Thorne

#35. I wouldn't give ten gallons of my own piss for clear sentence that gives the sense of a tree as a tree, when I revel in the nonsense of its being my own Grandfather, a letter from yesterday, or a masturbating fist.

David Joseph Cribbin

#36. Anne-Marie Costallat, born October 8, 1944. I was beginning high school and masturbating twice a day, curling over it like a dead leaf, when she was born, in a bed of violets, as she says - all French mothers tell their children that.

James Salter

#37. My energies have been drained.
Masturbating too much will do that.

Michelle M. Pillow

#38. There's a man masturbating in your bathroom!" She grabbed an umbrella from the foyer and held it in front of her like a weapon, poised for battle. "Ashlyn! Did you hear what I said? Call the police!

Kendall Ryan

#39. I can't," I said. "I threw my back out masturbating.

Chelsea Handler

#40. Desperately looking for a vital but lost bit of paperwork or just frantically masturbating to the Eroica symphony.

David Mitchell

#41. Remember what Anatole France said about the dog masturbating on your leg
'Sure, it's honest, but who needs it?

Richard Yates

#42. The worst part of writing fiction is the fear of wasting your life behind a keyboard. The idea that, dying, you'll realize you only lived on paper. Your only adventures were make-believe, and while the world fought and kissed, you sat in some dark room masturbating and making money.

Chuck Palahniuk

#43. That whole thing about masturbating. Most girls, I guess nobody has to tell them, they just figure it out. I had to be told. Some girl actually had to show me a hairbrush and demonstrate exactly what to do. I just never figured that stuff out naturally.

Patti Smith

#44. I don't need to hear it, Sherman. I've already run every little bit of your possible dialogue in my head while I was masturbating.

Mira Grant

#45. Remember: People who live in glass houses can see you masturbating in their bushes.

Dan Johnson

#46. Masturbating but did not. He didn't reject the idea so much

David Foster Wallace

#47. A homeless man once told me that dancing to rap music is the cultural equivalent of masturbating, and I'd sort of fell the same way about playing John Madden Football immediately after filing my income tax: It's fun, but - somehow - vaguely pathetic.

Chuck Klosterman

#48. Even just the thought her ... God. I may end up being
the first man in history capable of masturbating without touching himself.
Look, Mom - no hands.

Emma Chase

#49. Masturbating the meaning of life since 1987. #lovewithmeneverdies

Pat R

#50. The other day I walked in on my roommate while I was masturbating.

Nick Thune

#51. The whole idea of comedy, there is nothing normal about going up on stage to make strangers laugh. But I'm also not an exhibitionist like other comics. I'm not up there talking about masturbating.

Jim Gaffigan

#52. What do you do when you see a man masturbating at a salad baran actual salad shooterbut wait, I'm single, we're both at the salad bar, we have a lot in common. I like fresh produce, he likes to get fresh with produce. I like nuts on my salad, he likes to nut on his salad.

Alison Rosen

#53. The closest I ever came to death was masturbating with a 104-degree temperature.

Larry David

#54. Masturbating is no more sinful than praying or meditating.

Abhijit Naskar

#55. I call masturbating "Gregging," named not after a man named Greg, but a guy named Dave.

Jarod Kintz

#56. I knew a girl named Nikki I guess U could say she was a sex fiend I met her in a hotel lobby Masturbating with a magazine. She said "How'd U like 2 waste some time?" And I could not resist when I saw little Nikki grind.

Prince

#57. Star Wars is not entertainment. Star Wars is George Lucas masturbating to a picture of Joseph Campbell and conning billions of people into watching the money shot.

John Scalzi

#58. Writing is like masturbating when you have just masturbated. It's not fun. But it has to be done, or else people would not have anything to read while they sit on the toilet.

Ed Rosenthal

#59. On her daughter's pet rabbit: I don't think he liked being in a cage and wouldn't stop masturbating and humping his bowl.

Kate Beckinsale

#60. That should give him time for another wank. It was a good job masturbating didn't make you go blind.

Barbara Elsborg