Insult Humor Quotes

#1. To call it helmet hair was an insult to my helmet.

Jessica Fortunato

#2. Insult is powerful. Insult begets both rage and humor and often at the same time.

Suzanne Fields

#3. This guy was making me tired. "Thanks for the afternoon's entertainment," I said. "I'll flush a copy of my bill down the toilet. You should be getting it in a couple of days.

John Swartzwelder

#4. You couldn't find your dick in the dark, you scheming, sleaze-mongering scumwad.

Nenia Campbell

#5. Stacey: "I'm surprised you haven't thrown me out."
Comfort: "At your current weight, I'd need some sort of catapult.

Kristin Hannah

#6. The musical equivalent of St Pancras Station.
(on Elgar)

Thomas Beecham

#7. I can only assume," said Jace, "that mortal emotions amuse you because you have none of your own.

Cassandra Clare

#8. No, no, you twit, move towards the well-hung male of the species! It's only natural; you don't want to insult Mother Nature. Go claim your mate.

Jenna McCormick

#9. He was a six and a half foot scowl.
(on Rachmaninov)

Igor Stravinsky

#10. Come, come," I said. "You may be a lord someday, but you aren't one yet. No need for the courtly manners, and certainly not the moody temper. If you're to be my escort tonight, I insist you be a cheery one. You can even insult me if you like. It always makes you feel better.

Julie Berry

#11. Ivan gabbled something in Shu that I didn't understand. The giant just laughed.
"You speak Shu like a tourist," he said.

Leigh Bardugo

#12. Not everyone can look past an insult and continue to work with the person who slights them

Jean Johnson

#13. Puta, really, that's the best insult you got? I've been called the Whore of Babylon on national TV; puta just doesn't quite cut it.

Laurell K. Hamilton

#14. You look lousy,"Simon said.
Jace blinked."Seems an odd time to start an insult contest,but if you insist,I could probably think up something good

Cassandra Clare

#15. The only process you've mastered is the process of elimination, and the only reason you've mastered that is because you can do it in the toilet.

Orson Scott Card

#16. All Bach's last movements are like the running of a sewing machine.
(on Bach)

Arnold Bax

#17. If I say you're a goatherd's son, you say, 'Yes, Lord Ralon.'"
Alanna gasped with fury. "I'd as soon kiss a pig! Is that what you've been doing-kissing pigs? Or being kissed?

Tamora Pierce

#18. He would make a good lamp post if he'd weather better and didn't have to eat.

Kurt Vonnegut

#19. CASSIO: Dost thou hear, my honest friend?
CLOWN: No, I hear not your honest friend, I hear you.
CASSIO: Prithee, keep up thy quillets.

William Shakespeare

#20. You're so far off base this time you can't even see the base!

Eileen Wilks

#21. Dumb as he looked, he never missed an insult.
Dr. Rowan musing about Simple Silas

Ava Gray

#22. The first indication of menopause is a broken thermostat. It's either that or your weight. In any case, if you don't do something, you could be dead by August.
God, middle age is an unending insult.

Dorothea Benton Frank

#23. I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Mark Twain

#24. Tell this guy to eat a hundred-calorie pack of dicks.

Jenny Mollen

#25. I swear, talking to you is like talking to a really good-looking and mildly stupid brick wall.

Derek Landy

#26. I used to think the world was broken down by tribes,' I said. 'By Black and White. By Indian and White. But I know this isn't true. The world is only broken into two tribes: the people who are assholes and the people who are not.

Sherman Alexie

#27. Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Dorothy Parker

#28. - Where is Polonius?
- In heaven; send hither to see: if your messenger find him not there, seek him i' the other place yourself.

William Shakespeare

#29. She filed the image away as an excellent and insulting question to ask the earl at an utterly inappropriate future moment.

Gail Carriger

#30. She is a peacock in everything but beauty!

Oscar Wilde

#31. To call that writing, madam, is an insult to quills and ink across the world.

Julia Quinn

#32. To speak much is one thing; to speak to the point another!

Sophocles

#33. They don't hardly make 'em like him any more - but just to be on the
safe side, he should be castrated anyway.

Hunter S. Thompson

#34. He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wanted to eat, but certainly no more.

P.G. Wodehouse

#35. That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them.

Dorothy Parker

#36. *Appendix usually means "small outgrowth from large intestine," but in this case it means "additional information accompanying main text." Or are those really the same things? Think carefully before you insult this book.

Pseudonymous Bosch

#37. When a man's knowledge is deep, he speaks well of an enemy. Instead of seeking revenge, he extends unexpected generosity. He turns insult into humor, ... and astonishes his adversary who finds no reason not to trust him.

Baltasar Gracian

#38. If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.

Dorothy Parker

#39. I take that back. Saying you fight like a girl is an insult to girls everywhere.

Wesley Chu

#40. You're so full of crap, you could pass for a toilet.

Kami Garcia

#41. An old battleax of a woman said to Winston Churchill, "If you were my husband I would put poison in your tea." Churchill's response, "Ma'am if you were my wife I would drink it.

Winston S. Churchill

#42. You'd have to take your shoes and breeches off to count to twenty-one!

Scott Lynch

#43. Hey, look - your girlfriend is saying something.
Artemis had a vast mental reserve of scathing comebacks at his disposal, but none of them covered girlfriend insults. He wasn't even sure if it was an insult. And if it was, who was being insulted? Him or the girl?

Eoin Colfer

#44. Anyone looking at you would write you off as a brainless nincompoop with about as much intelligence as a dead rabbit.

P.G. Wodehouse

#45. Let the doors be shut upon him, that he may play the
fool no where but in's own house.

William Shakespeare

#46. I like your opera - I think I will set it to music

Ludwig Van Beethoven

#47. A knight can fight. As you well know, I fight about as well as a pillow."
"That's an insult to pillows. At least they can take a beating.

Eli Brown

#48. There's a reason straight men call us 'cocksuckers'. I've just never understood why it's considered an insult.

B. Snow

#49. Husband?"
"Aye. Husband."
"The slow-witted one that's been following you? I thought he
was your servant.

G.A. Aiken

#50. She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.

Mae West

#51. Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

Groucho Marx

#52. She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.

Dorothy Parker

#53. I AM NOT PAYING FOR SOME CRACKPOT OLD FOOL TO TEACH HIM MAGIC TRICKS!" yelled Uncle Vernon. Hagrid seized his pink umbrella and whirled it over his head "NEVER -" he thundered "- INSULT -ALBUS -DUMBLEDORE - IN - FRONT - OF - ME!

J.K. Rowling

#54. I decided that being called "crazy" by a man was not an insult but a challenge. It gives the woman an opportunity to say, "Crazy? Oh, I'll show you fucking crazy.

Alana Massey

#55. You know when you mix butt and Angel in the same sentence, it becomes an insult," I say and take a big gulp from the can. With his back to me, he says, "Trust me, I would never dream of insulting your butt. I'm sure it's better than anything I'm cooking out here.

Rucy Ban

#56. The chapters on whaling in MOBY DICK can be omitted by all but the most punishment-loving readers.

William Goldman

#57. It means that you two, precious father and son, would be a pair of knaves if you had sense enough; but, failing in that, you are only a pair of fools!

E.D.E.N. Southworth

#58. 8:58 We go to McDonald's. The woman in front of me in line spends more than five seconds contemplating her order. This infuriates me, WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?? MC-SEABASS?? IT'S THE GODDAMN MCDONALDS'S MENU, IT'S BEEN THE SAME FOR TEN YEARS! IT'S ALL MCSHIT!JUST ORDER!

Tucker Max

#59. If I were you,
And you were I,
I would kill myself,
But you would die!

Bruce Jennings

#60. To insult someone we call him 'bestial'. For deliberate cruelty and nature, 'human' might be the greater insult.

Isaac Asimov

#61. You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

Henny Youngman

#62. Oral Roberts is a greed-crazed white-trash lunatic who should have been hung upside down from a telephone pole on the outskirts of Tulsa 44 years ago, before he somehow transmogrified into the money-sucking animal that he became when he discovered television.

Hunter S. Thompson

#63. I'm creating a self help show called Self Talk. I'll insult myself for an hour then open phone lines to a fitness coach & my mother-in-law.

Ryan Lilly

#64. I refuse to put God into a little box I can handle, for that would insult us both.

L.M. Fields

#65. Forks are absurd, he scoffed. They insult your food. They make it think you're killing it twice.

Clare B. Dunkle

#66. I've seen more intelligence in the crotch lice of harem whores.

Christopher Moore

#67. May the IRS find that you deduct your pet sheep as an entertainment expense.

Christopher Moore