Top 100 Humor Sleep Quotes
#1. Dogs are here to remind us life really is a simple thing. You eat, sleep, take walks, and pee when you must. That's about all there is. They are quick to forgive trespasses and assume strangers will be kind.
Jonathan Carroll
#2. I bet there are a lot of women out there who want to sleep with a guy who reads. And being the head of the reading foundation, I'm very well endowed.
Bauvard
#3. I had a dream about you. You were lost in a daydream, when I walked in and you began screaming. But I know that could never actually happen. In real life I only enter people's nightmares.
Bauvard
#4. I slipped some ... surprises in the tea after y'all left. Ma and Dad should both sleep 'till noon. I might have killed Grandpa, we'll see in the morning.
Abigail Roux
#5. Injun Joe studied the body for a moment, his eyes sad. Then he said, "I'd rather go in my sleep, I think." He glanced back at me. "What about you?"
"I want to be stepped on by an elephant while having sex with identical triplet cheerleaders," I said.
Jim Butcher
#6. My doctor says I must not have any serious conversation after seven [o'clock]. It makes me talk in my sleep.
Oscar Wilde
#7. Gwen: It's not going to work.
Paul: Pardon me?
Gwen: Cinderella's not going to sleep with you because you're taking the ugly stepsister to the ball. She'll still make you wait.
Jo Leigh
#8. I needed sleep. Big squishy bunches of it. Soon.
Devon Monk
#9. But sometimes it takes only a photograph and a sentence to make an author cry himself to sleep even years after the photograph was taken.
Lemony Snicket
#10. In the first years of our lives we learn how to shit, talk, walk, sleep, eat and, most importantly, how to royally piss off our parents.
A.G. Phillips
#11. If you're gonna do something tonight that you'll regret tomorrow morning, sleep late
Henny Youngman
#12. This girl who's slept a hundred years has something after all. It's called Centuryitis, and it has turned me into a man. Oh, what will mamma think when she sees me?!
-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz
Karen Quan
#14. I had a dream about you last night ... Well I say dream I mean nightmare ... you were a Yankee fan.
Nicole McKay
#15. Will you sleep with me?" he asked softly, before grinning suddenly. "In the tub?
Shelly Crane
#16. I had a dream about you last night.
We moved into a cabin in the countryside.
I couldn't handle the spiders.
You couldn't handle my drama.
I moved back to the city.
Michael Summers
#17. I had a dream about you last night ... shortly after I woke up screaming in terror.
Amy Summers
#18. Sometimes being a MOM is like a good
ol' country song! You lose your sleep, you lose your hair, you lose your patience, you lose your energy, you lose your memory AND you lose your SANITY! But you DO IT all for LOVE!
Tanya Masse
#19. I had a dream about you. We installed Dr. Robert Jarvik's artificial heart in a mannequin and brought it to life, only to later kill it because a creature that's all fake heart and no brain is what's commonly called a "politician," and must be destroyed.
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
#20. Wow, you're never allowed to sleep late again. You're crankier than a fat guy in stilettos.
Maggie Stiefvater
#21. I decided we should get married no more of this running-through-the-rain shit. We should live in the same place, sleep in the same bed at night, wake up together in the morning, and whenever there's a tornado, I can take care of you and watch Baseball at the same time.
Curtis Sittenfeld
#22. Before you go,mate,turn on the telly. Something raunchy too. Think I'll rub off one before I go to sleep
Jeaniene Frost
#23. All right. And if any of you get hurt I'm going to be really mad. I sleep with a Glock next to my bed so don't think I'm joking. I will shoot you if you don't make sure Gibson gets back here safely
Lauren Dane
#25. Does he ever eat? Nope. Does he sleep during the day and only comes out at night? Yep. Is he so sexy you'd sell your soul to spend just a night with him? Double-yep. What other proof do you need?
Jayde Scott
#26. I sank into the chair and checked to see if the charge nurse could see me - not if I didn't lean out too far. The night was looking up! Two patients who ought to sleep all night long, and an Internet connection. How lucky was I? Pretty damn lucky, at least until someone needed a diaper change.
Cassie Alexander
#27. I don't know why it should be, I am sure; but the sight of another man asleep in bed when I am up, maddens me.
Jerome K. Jerome
#28. Be honest with yourself; set the alarm for the time the Real You will get up, not the Ambitious You, because the Ambitious You doesn't really exist.
Laurie Notaro
#29. I had a dream about you. You were an escalator, and I was a flight of stairs. You thought I was a Luddite, and I thought I was as ostrich, because I hadn't figured out how to put the fly in flight. One day you broke down, and then you saw that you and I weren't so different after all.
Dora J. Arod
#30. Well, let's see. Guardians spend all their time watching out for
others, risking their lives, and wearing bad shoes. Me? I have great
shoes, am currently massaging a pretty girl, and sleep in an awesome
bed."
I made a face. "Let's not talk about where you sleep, okay?
Richelle Mead
#31. There is a tiger in my room,' said Frances.
'Did he bite you?' said Father.
'No,' said Frances.
'Did he scratch you?' said Mother.
'No,' said Frances.
'Then he is a friendly tiger,' said Father. 'He will not hurt you. Go back to sleep.
Russell Hoban
#35. For the first time in memory, I was unable to sleep not because I was anxious but because I was excited. To live in a damp crowded asshole and sing
if these guys don't know the secret to living, I don't know who does. (The Grieving Owl, page 157)
David Sedaris
#36. Damn Lyric, it isn't torture. It's travel. Get some sleep."
- Sabine
J.W. Ellis
#37. Lori sat way back in her chair and gave him the once-over. What in the world's gotten into Ben Lawson? jokes? Flirting? Maybe I should sleep with Molly. I think she's got a magic hooha.
Victoria Dahl
#38. Do you sleep in a coffin?" Okay, I admit that one was a little out of line, not to mention corny.
"Of course not," he laughs loudly. "I sleep in a bed." A pause. "Would you like to see it?
L. H. Cosway
#39. I had a dream about you last night. We stopped telling each other about our dreams when we realized we were still inside them.
Michael Summers
#40. Servants ran to wake the young king, Tamar, already awake and watching from his balcony. Curious, naturally. Not altogether pleased. No more than anyone would be, jolted out of a sound sleep by unexpected elephants.
Lloyd Alexander
#41. I remembered my little brother, Allyn, had appeared so innocent and angelic when he slept
similar to Kerrick. It must be a survival tactic. If Allyn hadn't looked so sweet, we would have killed him while he slept. He had been pure evil when he was awake
similar to Kerrick.
Maria V. Snyder
#42. Happiness depends on sound sleep, orderly bowels and regular meals.
Matthew Fort
#43. Motherhood is a constant battle of wanting to go to bed early so you can catch up on sleep and wanting to stay awake so you can enjoy some peace and sanity!
Tanya Masse
#44. I had a dream about you. At first you were a mannequin, and I was a fashion designer. Then, inexplicably, we switched roles and I became the mannequin. But instead of putting clothes on me, you laughed at my nakedness, and you sold me to the owner of a sex shop.
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
#45. Then she tried to bore herself to sleep by thinking about things like yogurt and the structure of a gas pedal.
Jessica Park
#46. Dreams are memories.
Memories are dreams.
But my time with you hasn't become a dream just yet.
Because the sensation of your kisses
keep me from sleep.
I'm in love,
God help me, I'm in love.
F.K. Preston
#47. Sleep. It's like sex. You know it's good, but you don't know just how good until you're not getting any.
R.J. Keller
#48. What ... what about when I'm married?"
"We'll buy a cot. Your husband can sleep on that when he visits.
Stephanie Perkins
#49. Even bipolar vampires needed sleep from time to time, and he was well past his recommended safe dosage of stress.
Rachel Caine
#50. Food," I suggested. "Sleep. That's what I need. To get the hell away from here."
Cole frowned at me, as if I'd suggested "ducks" and "yoga".
Maggie Stiefvater
#51. Boy needs to get a good night's sleep. Otherwise, he'll be lucky to get accepted at SUNY-So Far Upstate You Might As Well Be In Canada, eh?
Rachel Cohn
#52. Nights were the worst. I'd try to get some sleep, only to be thrown out of bed and dragged out into the compound for another game of "Let's whack Bobby in the dark!" - Bobby Pendragon, RoZ
D.J. MacHale
#53. I have never been much at nonverbal communication. Additionally, I don't have much of an attention span, and what I lack in patience I make up for in ambivalence and an inability to sleep.
Carrie Fisher
#54. I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don't need sleep. I think they're called 'successful.
Jim Gaffigan
#55. 7 hour sleep diet worked great. Will power held beautifully.
Steve Martin
#56. A tiger only needs three things to be comfortable. Lots of food, sleep, and ... actually, no it's just those two things.
Colleen Houck
#57. The right hand doesn't know what the left is doing is a phrase that refers to times when people ought to know, but don't know, about something that is happening very close to them. For instance, you ought to know about the man who watches you when you sleep.
Lemony Snicket
#58. Get some sleep, Secretary General, get some sleep. Revolution can wait till the morning.
Mohammed Hanif
#59. I like pancakes! And I have a gun. I shoot bad guys with it. Sometimes, bad guys go to sleep and don't wake up. That makes Harley sad.
Stephen Jenner
#60. I had a dream about you last night. I could fly. I was going to use this power to impress you, but you were too heavy to carry, so I won you over with my personality instead
Michael Summers
#61. I didn't dream about you last night. I woke up in fear.
Michael Summers
#62. Sleep with Seth Mortensen? Good grief. It was the most preposterous thing I'd ever heard. It was appalling. If I absorbed his life force, there was no telling how long it'd be until his next book came out.
Richelle Mead
#63. For me, it's always a little sad getting out of bed. Every morning after I get up, I always gaze longingly at my bed and lament, 'You were wonderful last night. I didn't want it to end. I can't wait to see you again.
Jim Gaffigan
#64. It's hard to sleep when you have thirty two million quids worth of stolen jewellery hidden under the mattress.
Peter Houston
#65. You'll think of me every time you go to bed. Then you'll get hard and you'll have no one to help you and you'll never be able to sleep unless you-" She grinned that wicked grin Tyrion liked so well. "-is that why they call it the Tower of the Hand, m'lord?
George R R Martin
#66. I had a dream about you last night. The champagne was non-alcoholic. You didn't notice, and laughed at my jokes anyway.
Michael Summers
#67. Dad, is she serious?"
John shrugged. "I argue with your Mama, I sleep on the couch and she doesn't feed me. So i dont argue with your mama.
Molly McAdams
#68. I don't understand how I can always want to sleep, hate waking up, and yet be afraid of death.
Mike Heil
#69. Can't even sleep through the night without you and those sun-dried ginger ale complected limbs crocheted into my thighs ...
Brandi L. Bates
#70. Celaena?" Sam asked into the dark. "Should I worry about going to sleep?"
She blinked, then laughed under her breath. At least Sam took her threats somewhat seriously.
Sarah J. Maas
#71. I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, "you'll have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity! You don't know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall.
Mitch Hedberg
#72. You snore."
She stopped in the middle of the hallway and gaped. "I do not."
"Oh yeah, you do." He nodded, beaming from ear to ear. "Cute, kind of baby snores, but still snores by standard definition. Maybe that was the problem that broke up you and David. Doctors need their sleep, you know.
Jennifer Shirk
#73. I had a dream about you last night ... I was a brick and you were a blanket. Damn that improbability drive.
Nicole McKay
#74. Who do you have to sleep with to get laid in this town?
Sloane Crosley
#75. She wore a fitted white scoop neck shirt under a thin jacket, slim brown pants and tennis shoes. He bet she looked hot in four-inch heels. He wondered how long she'd last in this town, and he decided he wanted to sleep with her before she left.
Tami Lund
#76. I had a dream about you last night. Eons ago, we created a Universe, then sat back and watched miniature versions of ourselves try to make all the same mistakes we did.
Michael Summers
#77. He'd asked me to marry him. He'd kissed me. Twice. He said he loved me. What a scum, rat, dog bastard. I wouldn't sleep with him now if I was dying and the only thing that could save me was a penis injection from him.
Gena Showalter
#79. When the boogie man goes to sleep he checks his closet for me
Chuck Norris
#80. You need your beauty sleep for tomorrow"
she tells us "don't stay up too late talking"
We ignore her of course.The whole point of a sleepover is to stay up too late talking.
Heather Vogel Frederick
#81. Woody Allen made it acceptable for beautiful women to sleep with nerdy, bespectacled goofballs; all we need to do is fabricate the illusion of intellectual humor, and we somehow have a chance.
Chuck Klosterman
#82. I had a dream about you last night. It wasn't until after you sold me the talking car, I realized you were the world's best ventriloquist.
Michael Summers
#83. God kills a kitten every time a girl
masturbates. Save a kitten - sleep
with me."
- Caine Deathwalker
Morgan Blayde
#84. I spread eggshells all over my room, so anyone who tries to get close when I sleep will know what they're walking on
Josh Stern
#85. I want you in every way possible and in ways you've probably never even imagined. Your saving grace is I don't sleep with vamps. If things were different we wouldn't be talking and you'd be enjoying the hell out of where this could be going." - Lexan, The Way You Bite
Zoe Forward
#86. Since Stark had come back from the Otherworld, he'd been too weak and out of it to do much more than eat, sleep, and play computer games with Seoras, which was actually a super weird sight, it was like high school meets Braveheart meets Call of Duty.
P.C. Cast
#87. Am I on your walk of shame? You did sleep with the right MacGregor, didn't you?
Michelle M. Pillow
#88. Goodnight baby, sleep in peace. After you kill that bitch!"
"Goodnight mom!
Sherrilyn Kenyon
#89. On their sofas of spice and feathers, the concubines also slept fretfully. In those days the Earth was still flat, and people dreamed often of falling over edges.
Tom Robbins
#90. I had a dream about you. We were ice fishing in my freezer. I caught a few cold beers, and you wondered if we should drink them, or throw them back because they were babies.
Dora J. Arod
#91. If you'd told em you killed a blind gramma, they'd have stayed to eat the pizza and cake. Free is free.
Stephen King
#92. He was just drifting off to sleep when it occurred to him that perhaps the dog was not so ordinary after all. Perhaps he was someone the ogre had changed, and Ivo was going to spend the night hugging a headmaster or a tax inspector
Eva Ibbotson
#93. Wyoming, to Annie, was represented by a blank, bleak space in her imagination. It was a place she could hide. The worst that could happen would be that she would sleep with Daniel and then get eaten by a wolf. She could live with that.
Kevin Wilson
#94. If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Henny Youngman
#95. I had a dream about you. You looked like you, but you also looked like a mannequin. And I looked like me, but I also looked like a mannequin. Between the two of us, we were too fake even for Hollywood. And as such, we were forced to reside in Washington DC.
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
#96. I haven't slept with him, Mom." I whispered, lying through my teeth. I just didn't want to discuss my sex life with her. She would probably critique my oral skills or something.
"I should have known. You don't sleep with anybody. That's why you can't keep a man.
L.D. Davis
#97. It's not who you know, it's who you sleep with.
Lois Greiman
#98. You'd tell the world what your best friend wore to sleep if you thought it made a good enough story.
Patricia Briggs
#99. I had a dream about you. You were wearing Sylvester Stallone's sneer as pants, but his lips were saggy on your legs, so you had to wear a mustache as a belt.
Dora J. Arod
