Top 100 Humor Sarcastic Quotes
#1. Son, my dad said, every man needs a bitter, resentful woman in his life. Because there's nothing more touching to a mother's heart than to know that her son thinks of her constantly.
David C. Holley
#3. Brave lodgings for one, brave lodgings for one,
A few feet of cold earth, when life is done;
A stone at the head, a stone at the feet,
A rich, juicy meal for the worms to eat;
Rank grass over head, and damp clay around,
Brave lodgings for one, these, in holy ground!
Charles Dickens
#4. You better learn to regulate your perspiration. This is not collision theft. To flush is a sign that you're hard at work. Nobody works hard riding the tram - not even the driver.
Martyn V. Halm
#5. You are, however, surprisingly light of touch."
"Pardon?"
"The way you're holding my hand. I always thought you'd be more of a mauler. Like a diseased wolf chewing the knuckles off me fist."
"That's very nice."
"Not really."
"I was being sarcastic."
"Oh. I see. Where are we?
G.A. Aiken
#6. If you are a writer and you write/understand sarcasm please be thankful to the government and the masses.
Without their hard work and supreme idiotism it wouldn't have been possible.
You owe them the brutal sarcasm, they've earned it!
Himmilicious
#7. Young people with terminal illnesses develop a whimsical, slightly sarcastic sense of humor about it to put everyone else at ease and to serve as shining examples of grace in the face of colossally fucked-up events.
Jonathan Tropper
#12. I'm a sarcastic person, and people don't get my humor sometimes.
Sarah Hyland
#13. I was debating on jumping and ending my despair over losing my best friend, but I decided to call you instead.
Holly Hood
#14. Miss Green can call a turd a rose if she wants, but that don't mean people's going to be lining up to smell it.
K. Martin Beckner
#15. Are you really speechless or has the vodka finally impaired your ability to function like a normal human?
Heidi McLaughlin
#16. I've lived my life devoid of the whole teenage angst for so long, I'm not sure I can handle all this. I'm not built dor it.
Lindsey Ouimet
#17. I'll never understand ninety-nine percent of humanity. - Enoch
Ransom Riggs
#18. Kelly was not going to remove her glasses. No matter what the television said about it being safe to do during the 'totality'. The television also told her she wouldn't age if she bought expensive creams and pills.
Guillermo Del Toro
#19. Leave Dad alone" I told Aislinn. "His Britishness is sort-circuiting.
Rachel Hawkins
#20. By the light," he said, when he had mastered himself. "I think that beats singing a lullaby to a stormdog for simplicity and economy, Maerad. But I wish I had known that you simply had to blow at Hulls to get rid of them. It would have saved me a few scars.
Alison Croggon
#21. Nobody should have to die to a crappy soundtrack
James R Tuck
#23. The TARDIS can look like whatever it wants.
Mora Early
#24. Look at the world and think about a catastrophic disaster where the cell phone towers went dead. How would you ever be able to 'TEXT your next door neighbor to see if they were okay
Stanley Victor Paskavich
#25. God is always willing to give you the best life possible. If you change your mind at any time you are free to go back to enjoying hell.
Shannon L. Alder
#26. You're a big help, Mr. I Read So Many Books.
Laura Ruby
#27. Their demeanor is invariably morose, sullen, clownish and repulsive. I should think there is not, on the face of the earth, a people so entirely destitute of humor, vivacity, or the capacity for enjoyment.
Charles Dickens
#28. Sometimes I used to think to myself, 'Have I lost a sense of humor?' but I don't think that I have. I think one can be as snarky and sarcastic as lots of people, but I have never found that it makes me particularly happy.
Kenneth Branagh
#29. There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.
Rita Rudner
#30. But you know as well as I do that anger won't solve anything."
"I beg to differ," he shrugged. "Anger can be quite rewarding ... at least for those of us who have the option of blasting our enemies to oblivion.
M.A. George
#31. Are we all agreed? Excellent. Then Peabody had better retire to her bed; she is clearly in need of recuperative sleep, she has not made a sarcastic remark for fully ten minutes.
Elizabeth Peters
#33. In every day and in every way, we're all that much closer to death.
Charles Atkins
#34. Are you fighting evil tonight? ... Then you are doing the Lord's work. Shut the fuck up.
James R Tuck
#35. Father never went into depth about what happened if I woke up, unable to remember how I'd died, but most definitely in the hands of those not selected to have s'mores and sleepovers for all of eternity.
Heather Heffner
#36. The Australian sense of humor is very dry, sarcastic, and very undercover. Like if I tell any jokes in America, people just think I'm serious! So I just quit telling any jokes whatsoever.
Heath Ledger
#37. Carpe Diem, just remember that we're partying on the Titanic.
Will McIntosh
#38. I'd venture to guess that a list of things you know nothing about could fill volumes.
Heidi Schulz
#39. Kidnapped by a vampire, death by a squid. How tragic.
Abigail Gibbs
#40. The worst thing about the dead rising? (Other than, you know, all the zombies?) The smell. Nothing kills the mood like the odor of three day old road kill and poo ... -Katherine Anita Cho(KyCH)
Shawn Durnin
#41. Oh, well, you go to poor school." He gives a comic eye roll. "At rich school, we take notes on hundred-dollar bills using unicorn tears, and our grief is vastly different and more complex.
Delilah S. Dawson
#42. I choked on the air I'd just sucked in and swung around in disbelief. "What did you just say?"
"Me and the whole PD heard about your wet bra, so I'm assuming your panties are wet too.
Rachel Brookes
#43. What is it with people wanting to kill me lately? I'm starting to take it personally.
Heather R. Blair
#44. If Sam told him, I'd have to kill Sam. Since I didn't have the stomach for outright murder, I'd break his coffee maker.
Melissa Haag
#46. Does this mean we can eat pie today?" Easton asked. Riley let out a snorting laugh. "I know someone who will be." Nice.
Erin McCarthy
#47. Mr. Sand, do you think it's possible to fall in love in the space of a single day?"
He smiled. "I wouldn't know. I only fall in love at night. Never lasts beyond breakfast, though.
Tessa Dare
#48. We are the generation of Social Media, Our biggest Revolution is a Tweet of 141 Characters.
Sandra Chami Kassis
#49. If this constant bitter disappointment was love, then I was perfectly fine not to have anything to do with it.
Vann Chow
#50. Because I'm a glutton for punishment, I guess. Or because I'm the cat curiosity is scheduled to kill in approximately six hours.
Lindsey Ouimet
#51. A lot of people are alive because I shed too much hair to get away with murder.
Darynda Jones
#52. Too young,too young,she chanted to herself.
Wrong,of course.
I was older than her grandfather but according to my driver's license,she was right.
Stephenie Meyer
#53. Trying to make her angry is like trying to find a corner on a bowling ball.
Craig McLay
#55. Is it really you this time, Kells?"
"Well, I'm no maggoty corpse, if that's what you mean."
He grinned. "That's a relief. No maggoty corpse would be that sarcastic.
Colleen Houck
#56. I'm fine, considering I can't walk anymore," Pam replied, a sarcastic edge in her voice. "You look like your bringing news. What is it this time, I'm blind?
C.B. Cook
#57. He has such a patronizing tone and manner, and such a sarcastic sense of humor. I found him rather brutal, a kind of elegant brutality which appealed. No, I think he came pretty much off the page.
Jeremy Northam
#58. I paused for a moment, debating whether to turn and look what was happening. My senses told me Obo's presence was still at my side, and turning my face into the barrel of a gun seemed like an ill-advised way to cap off this day of monumentally stupid decisions.
M.A. George
#59. Why do people who so obviously hate children have so many of them? Audrey asked...Because they hate everyone else more. Their bratty kids are their revenge on a society that has denied them the riches they so rightly deserve.
Shaun David Hutchinson
#61. Watch it, buster. There's only room for one sarcastic malcontent in this relationship.
Christine Warren
#62. It's not that we have more patience as we grow older, it's just that we're too tired to care about all the pointless drama
Karen Gibbs
#65. There were so many viciously sarcastic ways to respond, Jaden's brain was temporarily paralyzed due to witty comeback overload.
Courtney Kirchoff
#66. It's weird, marriage. It's like this license that gives a person the legal right to control their spouse / their 'other half.
Jess C. Scott
#67. We're weird guys. I don't know if a lot of people get our humor. A lot of people probably think we're jerks. We're real sarcastic. Really ironic and stuff. We mean well, but we joke around probably a lot more than we should.
Brendon Urie
#69. The cleanest civilization I've ever seen ... and the number one thing you pack for a wedding is a jar of dirt?
M.A. George
#70. Yes, you'd make a great partner for him. What with the embezzling and the adultery and the drinking. That's what every man wants in a wife - a vaguely alcoholic, fornicating thief.
Eleanor Brown
#71. ...and yes that was meant to be interpreted in a sarcastic bubblegum tone complete with clapping and jazz hands.
K.R. Grace
#72. Christians rejected the need for proof to support belief in God, yet dismissed proof altogether when it was there.
Kira Peikoff
#73. So, you're telling me the zoo commissioned you to make a zombie panda in order to avoid a potential international incident.
Lish McBride
#74. You're one of those people who fall off a tree and never quite reach the ground.
Carlos Ruiz Zafon
#75. I appreciate thieves who do their research, but at least you recognize worth when you see it.
M.L. LeGette
#76. While I still did not know what self- actualization that sat on the top level of the pyramid meant, I could believe
that if I knew I would be able to say something positive about it as well in
my life.
Vann Chow
#77. No, Paige. I am trying to help you."
"Go to hell."
"I already exist on a level of hell."
"Exist on one that isn't near mine.
Samantha Shannon
#78. I didn't answer. Mr. Dowater had a reputation for deadpan humor, a humor that was strangely similar to the low-level, sarcastic sniper fire offered by the school's underbleacher population of stoners and class-cutters. It didn't really pay to engage it. After
Ethan Canin
#79. You're starting to sound like one of those songs that DJ's play when they wanna clear out the dancefloor.
Alex Bergauer
#80. Celaena?" Sam asked into the dark. "Should I worry about going to sleep?"
She blinked, then laughed under her breath. At least Sam took her threats somewhat seriously.
Sarah J. Maas
#81. It's not hard to fail ... it's hard to accept you failed ... but once that's out of the way, it's pretty smooth sailing
Josh Stern
#82. Madame will forgive me for not perceiving her busyness. It is a sign of the highest breeding to be able to be busy whilst appearing idle to the uninformed observer.
Louis De Bernieres
#83. While you were out JUDGING others, you left your closet door open...and guess what fell out!....Ooops
Karen Gibbs
#84. I really have to befriend this asshole?" I whispered harshly to Dilmore "Yep."
"Well thanks Dilmore this is going to turn out swell.
Charon Lloyd-Roberts
#85. I don't usually tell people to go to hell, but when I do I'm happy to give directions.
Ant Richards
#86. A person who can laugh and go with life does not demand to be in control, which is why the most controlling people may be sarcastic but lack an authentic sense of humor.
Richard Rohr
#87. How tall is it?" [The Harps]
"according to the sagas, it links through time and space and keeps our world and your world tethered together"
"Pretty big, then
Kathryn James
#88. I'm a sarcastic person. I learn through humor.
Rachel Maddow
#89. We went to Mexico, had some tequlia, eloped with a pair of drug smugglers, and took part-time jobs as exotic dancers. You know, same old, same old.
Jennifer Lynn Barnes
#91. I grew up as a very sarcastic person. I was always the class clown, and to date girls, I had to be really funny. I was really skinny growing up. I was so thin, I had to run around in the shower to get wet. That kind of thin. So I always had to rely on humor and sarcasm.
Kurt Fuller
#92. As far as bad ideas went, this stole the prize.
Julia Quinn
#93. It's like a jolt of electricity, but worse.
Lee Davidson
#94. Just out of curiosity, what constitutes a 'nice cock shot'? I mean, is it the lighting? The pose?"
I'm being sarcastic, but Dean responds in a solemn voice. "Well, the trick is, you've gotta keep the balls out of it.
Elle Kennedy
#95. Do you know what happens when you play a country song backwards? You get your wife back, your dog back and your job back.
Richard Belzer
#96. Jaime, dear, forgive me, but I don't think you are man enough to take care of my Cass. She's a special kind of difficult.
Mercy Celeste
#97. I do." He was clearly amused by my disdain. "We have only been speaking for two minutes, Paige. Try not to waste all your sarcasm in one breath."
I wanted to kill him. As it happened, I couldn't.
Samantha Shannon
#98. Educational system in America is not as good as in China. You may be an idiot. It is hard to tell with you white people.
Kate Danley
#99. Oh. Sure. It makes perfect sense. Zane is a wolf because his father is an eagle.
C.J. Milbrandt
#100. Don't waste yer' breath kid. Explainin' anything to that one? It's like tryin' ta' slap the dumb off a retard ... -George Foster
Shawn Durnin
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