Top 100 Humor Books Quotes
#1. I had mostly been writing humor books, and my instinct is generally to go for the joke.
Jory John
#2. I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.
Stephen Colbert
#4. Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind.
Terry Pratchett
#5. Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Eat pudding. Books are good. Eat pudding. If kids read a lot. Eat pudding. They'll get so they can think clearly. Eat pudding. And if enough kids read and think. Eat pudding. We will have world peace. Eat pudding. Thank you very much. Eat pudding.
Daniel Pinkwater
#6. Horror. I can't manage it. I become
well
horrified. Self-help books have a similar effect.
When asked, "Any literary genre you simply can't be bothered with?" - (By the Book: Writers on Literature and the Literary Life from the NYT Book Review, by Pamela Paul)
Emma Thompson
#7. She 'didn't care much for reading', she said. Books were just a commodity that had to be produced, like jam or bootlaces.
George Orwell
#8. I'm not trying to please anyone. I'm just trying to write a damn book.
Richard P. Denney
#9. A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of it.
Mark Twain
#10. I'm going to find whoever is responsible for me sleeping out side with outside without pillows and kick them in the shins!-Enna
Shannon Hale
#13. Libations are for the gods. Cocktails are for mere mortals.
Jonathan Kieran
#14. The Law of Moronic Ubiquity: Anything in the universe that is generally considered to be idiot-proof will eventually be ruined by an idiot.
Ian Strang
#15. Neither would you, had you grown up in a library of melodramatic romance novels.
Clementine Holzinger
#16. Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Groucho Marx
#17. Yes! I'm me! I am careful and logical and I look up things I don't understand! When I hear people use the wrong words, I get edgy! I am good with cheese. I read books fast! I think! And I always have a piece of string! That's the kind of person I am!
Terry Pratchett
#18. You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading ... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Steven Wright
#19. You mean Piglet. The little fellow with the excited ears. That's Piglet.
A.A. Milne
#20. Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men.
Neil Gaiman
#21. Holy crap, you are like a dog with a bone," I commented to Ryan.
"Or just one with a boner.
Stacey Marie Brown
#22. The answer to all of life's problems are out there somewhere its just a question of finding the right book
Tammy Blackwell
#23. Brian: I love books
Prof. Morrison: The contents of books, or just owning a whole load of books?
David Nicholls
#24. He had been inspired to start a career in the porn industry after reading the incredible tale of a Japanese man who avenged the death of his sister by going down on her best friend for seven days and seven nights.
Mark Jackman
#25. My bookcase is all yours."
I walked to the door. "I've just decided that those are my favorite five words in the world.
Kasie West
#26. The dog growled again, long and ferocious. The hair on my neck tingled.
And just when I knew he would attack, a horrible scream split the air, and Darlene passed out and fell over on her side.
Carol Petrie
#27. A storm of yellow notepads, broken pencils, papers, and books littered the tables and floor of the room, along with a collection of empty beer cans. It looked as if a party of wild librarians had just cleared out.
Erika Robuck
#29. I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Groucho Marx
#30. Will!" Charlotte threw up her hands. "Why didn't you say so?"
"You know, the books on demon pox are in the library," Will said with an injured tone. "I wasn't preventing anyone from reading them
Cassandra Clare
#31. You guys are not leaving me out there. They're going to talk books and sex. And the books are about sex. Who knew women were so damn chatty about sex? Men don't do that. We just look at a girl, announce we did her, and everyone moves on.
Lexi Blake
#32. Men are more interesting in books than they are in real life.
Mary Ann Shaffer
#33. I am not absentminded. It is the presence of mind that makes me unaware of everything else.
G.K. Chesterton
#34. They both fell silent. For a while the only sound they could hear was the noise of books resting on shelves, which wasn't really enough of a sound to distract them from the awkwardness of the moment.
Gideon Defoe
#35. How can we cash out-of-town checks when don't know whether a town's still there?
Pat Frank
#36. It is a great thing to start life with a small number of really good books which are your very own.
Arthur Conan Doyle
#37. As a boy, I used to marvel that the letters in a closed book did not get scrambled and lost overnight.
Jose Luis Borges
#38. You kids today don't understand. You go into the stalls, and you sit on the toilets, and you read your comic books. But you never think about the brave cleaning supplies that gave their lives so you could have a safe place to do your business.
Beth Labonte
#39. Instead of putting flowers in books to flatten them you can use a brick.
Nicole McKay
#40. Of all the gifts you can get, friends and family are the best!
Jan Britland
#41. Over there!"
"Where?" Enna asked in mock panic "Do you see something?
Shannon Hale
#42. The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.
Jane Austen
#43. CUSTOMER: Oh, look, these books are all signed. (Pause) I wonder who signed them ?
Jen Campbell
#44. One act presses upon another, on a path we have no choice but to follow, and each time there are reasons. We do what we must, we do what we are told, we do what is easiest. What else can we do but solve one sordid problem at a time? Then we look up and find ... this.
Joe Abercrombie
#45. Now, public libraries are most admirable institutions, but they have one irritating custom. They want their books back.
Cecil B. DeMille
#46. CUSTOMER: If I were to, say ... meet the love of my life in this bookshop, what section do you think they would be standing in?
Jen Campbell
#47. I was so getting tired of fighting for my life in the library.
Jennifer Estep
#48. Prepare yourself for some bad news: Ronald Reagan's library just burned down. Both books were destroyed. But the real horror: He hadn't finished coloring either one of them.
Gore Vidal
#49. I could spend the rest of my life writing and drawing books for kids and be a very happy man.
Daniel Sean Kaye
#50. What are American dry-goods? asked the duchess, raising her large hands in wonder and accentuating the verb.
American novels, answered Lord Henry.
Oscar Wilde
#51. When I look at my bookcase and see the books upon the shelves, I think to myself, There is a God.
Sully Tarnish
#52. When someone says, 'I admire your character,' I never know whether the person is talking about my ethics or referring to someone in one of my books.
Stifyn Emrys
#53. The pain of an unpublished manuscript is akin to the trauma of bearing an unborn.
Anurag Shourie
#54. Great books live longer than people.
They are gonna bury us all.
Patricia Nedelea
#55. I do lend my books, but I have to be a bit selective because my marginalia are so incriminating.
Alison Bechdel
Leah Price
#56. They were steaming out of the station before Maia asked, 'Was it books in the trunk?'
'It was books, admitted Miss Minton.
And Maia said, 'Good.
Eva Ibbotson
#58. Why, he's Hercule Poirot! You know who I mean - the private detective. They say he's done the most wonderful things - just like detectives do in books.
Agatha Christie
#59. Bookshop Customer: 'Who wrote the bible?'
Customer's friend: 'Jesus.
Jen Campbell
#60. So much for the bimbo alert; if she read books like that, then there was a light on upstairs, above the splendid front porch.
C.I. Dennis
#61. Sometimes I think books are the only friends worth having.
Susie Derkins
#62. The Real-World was a sprawling mess of a book in need of a good editor.
Jasper Fforde
#63. My friend says she's smart. She reads a book to fall asleep.
Nicholaa Spencer
#64. Sometimes books imitate life. And sometimes books imitate lives that imitate books.
Andrew Smith
#67. Being a geological formation gives you a lot of time to think. Also, I subscribed to a number of learned journals.
Neil Gaiman
#68. All of my friends want to be in my books, but no one wants to die ... ummm ... I write westerns ... everyone dies.
Barry Andrew Chambers
#69. I want to hold onto this funny thing. God, it's gotten big on me. I don't know what it is. I'm so damned unhappy, I'm so mad, and I don't know why. I feel like I'm putting on weight. I feel fat. I feel like I'm saving a lot of things, and I don't know what. I might even start reading books.
Ray Bradbury
#70. I only read books if Voltaire's cock has been dipped in red ink and rolled over the cover.
Greg Proops
#71. This is not the way things are done in Boy's Own Adventure books. I recall no mentions of homosexual gang-rape and cannibalism
Robert Rankin
#72. My father and he had cemented (the verb is excessive) one of those English friendships which begin by avoiding intimacies and eventually eliminate speech altogether. They used to exchange books and periodicals; they would beat one another at chess, without saying a word.
Jorge Luis Borges
#73. I'll accompany you too, fair lady," said Reven. "I would fain meet your grandmother."
"You would what?" said Elfwyn.
"He means he'd like to," said Jinx. Some of the books in Simon's house used old-fashioned words like that.
Sage Blackwood
#74. Batman: What do you think Alfred?
Alfred: I think you're a bad driver.
Batman: I've got Lucius looking into another car-
Alfred: Well you're going to need one if you actually want to catch these blokes. Tea's on the table behind you.
Geoff Johns
#75. Of Books and Scribes there are no end:
This Plague--and who can doubt it?
Dismays me so, I've sadly penned
Another book about it.
Robert W. Service
#76. Batman: One more thing. When you find something out, you can call me on this.
Commissioner Gordan: A cell phone with one button?
Batman: A bat signal.
Commissioner Gordan: Christ. He actually put a bat on it.
Geoff Johns
#77. Oh, yeah, this girl was going down. She had no idea who she was messing with. And, sadly, she didn't seem to care.
I hoped her drawer came up short at the end of her shift. Karma's a bitch.
Darynda Jones
#78. I'm the first to admit that I don't write right. Now, relax and enjoy the show! The sideshow, that is.
Lori R. Lopez
#79. The thing about Shakespeare is you can only read his books if someone is making you.
Gabrielle Zevin
#80. He kissed me for a long moment, holding my shoulders, perhaps to keep me from pressing my whole body against his. Then he tried to lift my bag.
"My God," he said. "What happened?"
"I found out one may check out twenty books at a time from the school library.
Laura Whitcomb
#81. That's it then. This is how it ends. I haven't even read Proust.
James Turner
#82. Untuck your shirt, wipe, retuck. No one will see. Otherwise they're gonna crust on your hand like wood glue." This is Booger Training 101. Every two-year-old who doesn't have a taste for them has to learn how to properly dispose of them.
Mick Bogerman
#83. I thought about writing the character as male, but then I would be forced to portray him as a woman in a man's body.
Christopher Stocking
#84. Expand the definition of 'reading' to include non-fiction, humor, graphic novels, magazines, action adventure, and, yes, even websites. It's the pleasure of reading that counts; the focus will naturally broaden. A boy won't read shark books forever.
Jon Scieszka
#85. Dear Literary World, Sorry for breaking down your door ... I'll pay for that!!! Since I'm here and planning to stay a while, let me tell you some stories!!
C.K. Webb
#86. I can see why you like it here," he said,making a sweeping gesture that encompassed Kyle's collection of movie posters and science fiction books. "There's a thin layer of nerd all over everything." said Jace.
"Thanks. I appreciate that." Simon gave Jace a hard look.
Cassandra Clare
#87. Yes, we'll have to put a stop to this bookworming. No future in that.
Molly Keane
#88. Of all the queer sources of romance, ours lay in the discovery that each was an addict of Boswell's Life of Johnson. H.E.G. had a first edition of the Journey to the Hebrides, which I coveted mightily. Why not acquire the book honorably, marry the man, and have it around the house?
Beatrice Fairfax
#91. Charter boats are like books with no covers.
Tania Aebi
#92. I'm an open book. But some of the pages are stuck together.
Kelli Jae Baeli
#93. Using Facebook is like taking a Dyson to your spare time.
Gemini Adams
#94. Although Kurt Vonnegut may not be considered a humor writer, 'Breakfast of Champions' is one of the funniest books I've ever read.
Justin Halpern
#95. I've died before. It was boring, so I stood up.
Warren Ellis
#96. Give me a small intimate gathering of five people, a dinner party, where one-on-one conversations can be had, where people talk about current events, good books, good food, and weird news. That was my idea of a good time.
Penny Reid
#97. I surround myself with books when I write, thus surrounding myself with writers... only they don't critique me and then get up for coffee.
Ryan Lilly
#98. My books are my staple diet. As serious as insulin doses for those who are diabetics!
Hlovate
#99. The guys in my band are great-we watch movies, we eat pizza, take walks, read books. Everybody has a really great sense of humor. And my boyfriend comes and visits me on the road.
Lisa Loeb
#100. I really love middle-grade. Middle-grade books have a little more of a magical, light-hearted feel. You can be a little bit more quirky, you can have a little more humor. It doesn't get so dark and deep.
James Dashner
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