Top 81 Horse Humor Quotes
#1. Hippogriff, n. An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one-quarter eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full of surprises.
Ambrose Bierce
#2. Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and everything else follows in the same way.
Alan Perlis
#3. Take a look at my face. Do you see my expression? Does it scare you? It should, because this is the expression of a woman who's fallen off a horse too many times to put up with more shenanigans of the verbal variety.
Katie MacAlister
#4. Yes. Reyn is our resident horse master. He has an excellent seat."
I grinned. "I've noticed."
Reyn's face tightened and Nell flushed, looking embarrassed. "It's an equestrian term."
"Really? I thought you were talking about his ass.
Cate Tiernan
#5. Like he cared about a lot of stupid settlers and Indians and soldiers who hung around out here before he was even born. Hell, before his prehistoric grandparents had been born.
Who gave a shit about Crazy Horse and Sitting Bullshit. He cared about X-Men and the box scores.
Nora Roberts
#6. The toughest part about riding a horse is overcoming the urge to eat it.
Brian South
#7. If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a Pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk ... becomes a double hawk.
Demetri Martin
#8. Gwynned lies two days westwards; still further south, the weregeld calls. Mayhap with All-Father Woden's favour, my deeds may yet inspire the skalds.
George Gordon Byron
#9. I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race ...
Henny Youngman
#10. One horse-laugh is worth ten-thousand syllogisms.
H.L. Mencken
#11. Roza didn't want to go, and she made the woman promise to let her ride the horse again. It was apparently called "Russia" because it was very big, a complete liability, and always going where it wasn't wanted.
Louis De Bernieres
#12. You can lead a horse to water, but they might prefer wiskey
Jeri Estes
#13. A horse must be a bit mad to be a good cavalry mount, and its rider must be completely so.
Steven Pressfield
#14. The catch about not looking a gift horse in the mouth is that it may be a Trojan horse.
David Seller
#15. He leaned in for a sniff. 'Smells like a horse's arse! I've got Ian!' -'No sniffing allowed! We never discussed sniffing! I cry foul!' Ian was outraged. 'I'm not giving you a shilling!' -'Give him a shilling! It's not his fault you smell like a horse's arse!
Julie Anne Long
#16. A horse needs a tail more than one season.
Maya Angelou
#17. He flung himself from the room, flung himself upon his horse and rode madly off in all directions.
Stephen Leacock
#18. Fuck you and the paranormal horse you rode in on.
C.L. Bevill
#19. A burro is an ass. A burrow is a hole in the ground. A reporter should know the difference.
Fred Reed
#20. Please, Percy ... change your clothes. You smell like you've been run over by an electric horse.
Rick Riordan
#21. I'm told I have the body of a god."
"A Greek god, or one of those gods with the horse heads or elephant's legs coming out of their chests?" Alan asked. "Next time someone tells you that, ask them to specify.
Sarah Rees Brennan
#22. And you're the son of his youngest. He has no other children. Oh, your father's dead, by the way. Fell off a horse two years ago.'
'Good to know.
Scott Lynch
#23. The neck in front of her came up. The head swivelled 180 degrees and the horse looked at Kin with bright insectile eyes.
'YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND,' it said inside Kin's head.
'Hell!'
'THOSE ARE NOT MEANINGFUL CO-ORDINATES.
Terry Pratchett
#24. The carriage could only clop along at about ten miles per hour, which only accentuated Imogene's excitement. She urged it onward: "Fly, horse, fly!
Hunter Murphy
#25. The koloss he'd attacked did not rise. Its companions stood, looking unconcerned, though their eyes were focused on him. They seemed to want something.
"He ate my horse," Elend said, saying the first thing that came to his clouded mind.
The group of koloss nodded.
Brandon Sanderson
#26. There's a lot more to ridin' a horse than just sittin' in the saddle and lettin' yer feet hang down.
Texas Bix Bender
#27. Speak your mind, but ride a very fast horse!!
John Wain
#28. My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
Henny Youngman
#29. Listen, I'd rather lie naked in a plowed field under an incontinent horse for a week than have to read that paragraph again!
Diane Ackerman
#30. I had the loveliest pony when I was your age. I called him Zip. He ate apples straight out of my hand. I'm deathly allergic to horse hair, of course, and wept buckets of tears every time he was near, but it was worth it. I loved him so.
Meg Cabot
#31. And there encountered with him all at once Sir Bors, Sir Ector, and Sir Lionel, and they three smote him at once with their spears, and with force of themselves they smote Sir Lancelot's horse reverse to the earth. And by misfortune Sir Bors smote Sir Lancelot through the shield into the side ...
Thomas Malory
#32. Never thought I'd see the day when Death was denied. That leaves taxes as the only certainty.
Piers Anthony
#33. Sir William had only stayed in our company for two nights before leaving during a spectacularly blustery storm. As I watched him leave I evilly hoped that the wind would blow him straight off his horse.
M.L. LeGette
#34. I gave you three proofs of witchcraft. A cat that drinks blood! A horse that talks! And a man who propagates POODLES!
Richard Curtis
#35. A naked man on a naked horse is a fine spectacle. I had no idea how well the two animals suited each other.
Charles Darwin
#36. Be wary of the horse with a sense of humor.
Pam Brown
#37. Haven't you ever heard of the saying, "If you want to shoot the general, first shoot the horse!"?'
Lin
If you wanna shoot the general, then you should just SHOOT THE GENERAL!'
Ed
Hiromu Arakawa
#38. He was thirty-six years old, and six foot three. He spoke English to people and French to cats, and Latin to the birds. He had once nearly killed himself trying to read and ride a horse at the same time.
Katherine Rundell
#39. I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
Tommy Cooper
#40. They've never known a time when people drank rain water because it was pure, or could eat snow, or swim in any river or brook. The last time I drove to Washington the traffic was so bad that I could have made better time with a horse.
Madeleine L'Engle
#42. Modern cyberspace is a deadly festering swamp, teeming with dangerous programs such as 'viruses,' 'worms,' 'Trojan horses' and 'licensed Microsoft software' that can take over your computer and render it useless.
Dave Barry
#43. I often calculate odds on horse races; the civil service computermen frequently program such requests. But the results are so at variance with expectations that I have concluded either that the data is too meager, or the horses or riders are not honest. Possibly all three.
Robert A. Heinlein
#44. Idiot. I told you not to fight the horse thing.
Julie Kagawa
#45. You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Stan Laurel
#46. Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
W.C. Fields
#47. Death rode out, but found himself guiding the white horse down the track to the orchard. He stopped in front of one particular tree, and stared at it for some time. Eventually he said: LOOKS PERFECTLY LOGICAL TO ME.
Terry Pratchett
#48. You can't lead a horse to water, let alone make it drown itself.
Audra Red
#49. Big as a horse turd floating in a milk shake.
Wyatt Dixson
James Lee Burke
#50. Oh Jesus, Digger on a horse," Kelly said. "He kept threatening to make his horse into stew."
"He named his horse Stu," Nick added.
Abigail Roux
#51. A nation's not a child, for God's sake ... It's like a wild horse you tame by breaking it. Or a fiery woman you slap till she sees sense and warms your bed.
David Hewson
#52. It was one thing to snuggle a little when the world seemed about to end, and quite another to explain to her parents that she wanted to date an ancient magical horse.
Brandon Mull
#53. My ass hurts, Garrett."
"Didn't we have this conversation when we first met?
Abigail Roux
#54. A cavalryman's horse should be smarter than he is. But the horse must never be alowed to know this.
Steven Pressfield
#56. Ling offered him the last slice of melon. "Sorry. I ate everything. I'm starving. I could eat a horse. And I love horses. Beautiful creatures. But I'd eat one whole. Raw."
"I'd settle for eggs and bacon," Gabriel said.
G.L. Breedon
#57. A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."
Bill Bailey
#58. Got here half an hour ago and had a look, eyeballin' it," Sawyer said. "It's murder, all right. Tell you something else - the sun went down, and it's as dark as the inside of a horses's ass out here."
"You're sure?"
"Well, I've never actually been inside a horses's ass.
John Sandford
#59. You know that expression, 'wild horses couldn't drag me away'? Well, let me tell you, that was obviously made by someone who's never been on the other side of a lead rope when a wild horse starts running.
Terri Farley
#60. She shrugged. "I don't have my horse anymore."
"Your horse? The horse was mine."
"Don't be ridiculous." Evanjalin continued walking up the track. "You would never have stolen the horse in Sarnak if I didn't encourage you. So I consider it mine.
Melina Marchetta
#61. I want to be the best race horse around when I grow up, Mama.
You can be, Charlie, as long as you are willing to try your best and not give up when you have a bad day.
Deanie Humphrys-Dunne
#62. Choosing friends based on how much money they have is like betting on a horse because you like its saddle.
Stephen Smoke
#63. It was a large bay gelding, which for Ty translated to big-ass brown horse.
Abigail Roux
#64. You saw my leg?"
"How can a man help what he sees?" he said. "And, if I could add, you possess a very fine leg.
Shannon Hale
#65. Regweld is really a fine wizard," he continued, patting the shoulder again. "And his ideas for crossbreeding a horse and a frog are not without merit; never mind the explosion! Alchemy shops can be replaced!
R.A. Salvatore
#66. Come on, Elmer," he said to his horse. "Let's find a nice prickly cactus you can toss me into.
Abigail Roux
#67. He thought he saw some horses, too, and a clown, but it was the faces of all those dead raptors that really bothered him. And maybe that clown a little bit.
Vernon D. Burns
#68. The Queen's Pride was his ship, and he loved her. (That was the way his sentences always went: It is raining today and I love you. My cold is better and I love you. Say hello to Horse and I love you. Like that.)
William Goldman
#69. The theatre demanded of its members stamina, good digestion, the ability to adjust, and a strong sense of humor. There was no discomfort an actor didn't learn to endure. To survive, we had to be horses and we were.
Helen Hayes
#70. You never realize a dog is a man's best friend until you start betting on horses.
Karel Capek
#71. But here I was,quasi-boyfriend saying he wanted to take me on an actual date, and I was just staring at him impassively, like a horse watching a mime pretending to walk against the wind.
Maureen Johnson
#72. The Lord help us!' he soliloquised in an undertone of peevish displeasure, while relieving me of my horse: looking, meantime, in my face so sourly that I charitably conjectured he must have need of divine aid to digest his dinner, and his pious ejaculation had no reference to my unexpected advent.
Emily Bronte
#73. You never want to look in a mirror," Lula said. "Men love mirrors. They look at themselves doing the deed and they see Rex the Wonder Horse. Women look at themselves and think they need to renew their membership at the gym.
Janet Evanovich
#74. My love is sticky, like glue. I'd kill a horse just to give you some.
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
#75. The senator has got to understand if he's going to have - he can't have it both ways. He can't take the high horse and then claim the low road.
George W. Bush
#76. As they prepared to mount, Barak's horse, a large, sturdy gray, sighed and threw a reproachful look at Hettar, and the Algar chuckled.
'What's so funny?' Barak demanded suspiciously.
'The horse said something,' Hettar replied. 'Never mind.
David Eddings
#77. It won't take but a few hours to ride out that way," Harrison said. "We'll take it easy."
"I'm sorry." Ty looked up from what remained of his food. "Did you say 'ride'?" Harrison nodded.
"On a horse?"
"What other kinds of things do you ride?" Zane asked.
Abigail Roux
#78. Would Crazy Horse have spent this much to remodel a kitchen?
Ian Frazier
#79. You came after me. Against the geas, you came after me."
He felt the shifting of muscle behind him as Bloodraven shrugged. "You ride like a pregnant woman. I feared for the horse.
P.L. Nunn
#80. You can lead a horse to water but only very rarely can you drown him and get away with it.
Sue Perry
#81. Judging from the unfamiliar number, I assumed the text came from Shannon. If not, I would see who came by my house at 4:30 and go with it. Maybe it would be Mr. Darcy coming to pick me up in an extravagant horse-drawn carriage, but I couldn't picture Mr. Darcy using a cell phone.
Michelle Madow
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