Top 100 God Humor Quotes
#1. Oh, God. Not again."
Not again?
"Do you make a habit of driving into people's houses?
Christina Dodd
#2. We grant God the possession of all the qualities of mind except the one that keeps the others healthy; that watches over their dignity; that focuses their vision true
humor.
Mark Twain
#3. A lot of people come up here and they thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn't help me a bit. If it was up to him, Cesar Millan would be up here with that damn dog. So all I can say is, 'suck it, Jesus! This award is my God now'!
Kathy Griffin
#4. All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.
Chuck Palahniuk
#5. You can hear my dreams? God, you must never get any quiet. I'd be shooting myself in the head if I were you.
Jeaniene Frost
#6. If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Dorothy Parker
#7. I think God has a sense of humor, and the way my lessons come from God is very funny. I have to laugh at myself even if it's a tough lesson.
Yvette Nicole Brown
#8. She was satisfied with the answer God had given Moses from the burning bush when Moses had seen fit to question. Who are you? Mose asks, and God comes back from that bush just as pert as you like: I Am, Who I AM. In other words, Mose, stop beatin around this here bush and get your old ass in gear.
Stephen King
#9. Nell Armstrong was a demi-god, he succeded travelling to space, after numerous deaths.
Michael Bassey Johnson
#10. Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?
Woody Allen
#11. I've heard the call. I believe God wants me to run for president.
George W. Bush
#12. Well, I did tell you I couldn't give you a thing. Maybe you've just realised that Alistair can give the god damn world, and the pleasure of kissing his shiny slap-head every day!
LeeAnn Whitaker
#13. God does not love us because we are lovable, have a pleasing personality or a good sense of humor, or at rare times show exceptional kindness. In spite of who we are and what we have done, God wants to pour out His love on us, for the unlovable are also precious unto Him.
David B. Haight
#14. Dear God,how can I live a vanilla life when I'm a strawberry girl?
Lorna Seilstad
#15. Courage is not beating up the bully or letting the bully beat you up, it is standing strong before the bully and seeing him for what he truly is: a child of God in need of an attitude adjustment.
Toni Sorenson
#16. Exercise II.
Write a diary, imagining that you are trying to make an old person jealous. I have written an example to get you started:
Dear Diary,
I spent the morning admiring my skin elasticity.
God alive, I feel supple.
Joe Dunthorne
#17. (Note: If you don't appreciate a little humor in the midst of critically important theological issues, you may not have come to the same conclusion I have, which is this: I don't have to take myself too seriously in order to take God seriously.)
Angie Smith
#18. GRANDMA: Are you a gay?
ORPHEUS: I am straight. I'm definitely dating a girl, gran. Do you think she's a man?
*She laughs*
ORPHEUS' BRAIN: Thank god she took it as a joke. I would have been executed on the town square for such a rude back answer.
Scarlett Brukett
#19. Sin endeavors to subject the blessed God to the humor and lust of every person in the world
Stephen Charnock
#20. I liked the humor of it, I've always enjoyed a sense of humor in God and in religion and in spirituality.
Amber Tamblyn
#21. There are many things evil people can take from you. However, they can never steal your ability to laugh and laugh loud.
Shannon L. Alder
#22. Dreams like a podcast,
Downloading truth in my ears.
They tell me cool stuff."
"Apollo?" I guess, because I figured nobody else could make a haiku that bad.
He put his finger to his lips. "I'm incognito. Call me Fred."
"A god named Fred?
Rick Riordan
#23. Pg. 231-232: They'd given me a minivan. They could have picked any car and they picked a minivan. A minivan. O God of the Vehicular Justice, why dost thou mock me? Minivan, you albatross around my neck! You mark of Cain! You wretched beast high ceilings and few horsepower!
John Green
#24. Never mind what God is doing. What are you doing? That's called interspection.
Art Hochberg
#25. If there is a god maybe it rewards those who don't believe on the basis of insufficient evidence
and punishes those who do.
Peter Boghossian
#26. We take ourselves way too seriously, and we don't take God seriously enough. It is not by accident that humor and humility come from the same root word. If you can laugh at yourself, you'll always have plenty of good material.
Rick Warren
#27. Whence comes this idea that if what we are doing is fun, it can't be God's will? The God who made giraffes, a baby's fingernails, a puppy's tail, a crooknecked squash, the bobwhite's call, and a young girl's giggle, has a sense of humor. Make no mistake about that.
Catherine Marshall
#28. Good humor and laughter are far too wonderful not to come straight from the heart of God.
Beth Moore
#29. Colon has always thought that heroes had some special kind of clockwork that made them go out and die famously for god, country and apple pie, or whatever particular delicacy their mother made. It had never occurred to him that they might do it because they'd get yelled at if they didn't.
Terry Pratchett
#30. I looked to the ceiling and told God, God, next time I want an adventure, strike me with lightning. You have my permission.
Kristen Ashley
#31. A nation's not a child, for God's sake ... It's like a wild horse you tame by breaking it. Or a fiery woman you slap till she sees sense and warms your bed.
David Hewson
#32. God said "Let there be light" and George morgan flipped the switch.
Tara Sivec
#33. Oh, God, I don't know what's more difficult, life or the English language.
Jonathan Ames
#34. On the sixth day god created man,
on the seventh day man created god.
Now we are even.
A.J. Beirens
#35. I don't think that God cares about what you think. It's the actions that count. Actually He doesn't care what you do as long as you keep Him in mind.
Art Hochberg
#36. Oh God", Nate dropped his head down on the arm of the couch next to Si. "Has my love life really been reduced to talking to my cat about this?" Si just licked his whiskers and waited for Nate to start talking. So he did...
Erin Shaw
#37. Even though I was fairly certain God wasn't Ted Bundy, I kept an open mind, since this phone call was getting a bit confusing.
Scott Buckel
#38. I don't believe you really know God if you do not recognize His sense of humor.
Robert Breault
#39. It's ironic that as scientists that don't believe in god, were the ones that are closest to god.
Hiromu Arakawa
#40. After a murmur of general assent, Ariadne spoke up. "And oh my God, I have to pump my boobs. You guys, you don't even know. It's like having blue balls strapped to your chest!" After a horrified silence, the men practically ran screaming from the building.
Amy Lane
#41. I am the lord your God, and I will smite you until you are smitten.
Anthony Chapman
#42. Prayer is the time you spend alone with God.
Art Hochberg
#44. It was like my uterus was tapping out a happy dance on the rest of my organs. God, I was dying the longest, most tortuous, and arousing death in the history of the world.
Cora Carmack
#45. Being made merely in the image of God but not otherwise resembling him enough to be mistaken by anybody but a very near sighted person.
Mark Twain
#46. A great paradox which should God make us understand, we will weep, laugh, wonder and ponder is the paradox of human ignorance
Ernest Agyemang Yeboah
#47. And before you barrel through some idiotic Cosmo girl list of how-well-do-you-know-your-man questions, let me say that I don't know squat about him except that he kisses like a god and screws like a devil.
Kristin Hannah
#48. A Beautiful Woman Is A Baggage. Thank God Yours Is A Suit Case
Maurys Gaucho
#49. I stood my ground. "You evil scientist are all the same
evil. Count me out."
Fang and I brushed past Mr. God and walked quickly but smoothly to the exit. It was barely noon, and I'd already made a huge enemy.
Dang, I'm good.
James Patterson
#50. So that means that Peter ... " I swallowed. "That his full name was Peter Parker."
"Yeah"
I burst into tears. "Oh, my God! I killed Spiderman!
Michelle Rowen
#52. Prayer works (unless God has a different plan for you, that is different than what you want). Pray now. It works best if God is undecided.
Juanita Ray
#53. Good God." he said incredulously. "You've got a black belt in purse attack, that's for damn sure.
Linda Howard
#54. We trust, sir, that God is on our side. It is more important to know that we are on God's side.
Abraham Lincoln
#55. My God," Hadrian said. "They finally did it! All those oh-so-cute-my-cuddly-kitten-here's-a-pic bastard! They finally went and did it!
Steven Erikson
#56. I like Dancing of Indian girls more than my parents' prayers . Because they dance with love and passion . But my parents just say their prayers because they got used to it .
Ali Shariati
#57. Tantra is only recommended for someone who has a very developed will power, a terrific sense of humor, and a sense that nothing else matters but God and self-realization.
Frederick Lenz
#58. What part did she give you?" Zoe asked her mother.
"Mary, the mother of God."
"Talk about miscasting," Nelia said.
Pamela Todd
#60. Let destiny change you,but never change your destiny,for what God has given you is the best
Philosophical Library
#61. Writing is my dream. From romance to dragons; fairies to fantasy worlds, this is where I live and play. Thanks be to God!
Lisa Hannah Wells
#62. Dear God, she couldn't give this man sex. She could barely give it to Van, and he currently smelled so good she just wanted to shove her face under his t-shirt and eat whatever she found there.
Charlotte Stein
#63. Faith is Hope on a treadmill. Love is the reason we stay on.
Solange Nicole
#64. Alternatively, anyone who favors Intelligent Design in lieu of evolution might pause to wonder why God devoted so much of His intelligence to designing malarial parasites.
David Quammen
#65. As usual in such matters, God's sense of humor trumped all imagination.
Diana Gabaldon
#66. One hardly need believe that the events in your life are actually planned as bolts from the blue, sent special delivery from a deity who is testing and training you like a lab rat! And that is what we are saying when we fretfully ask, What can God be trying to teach me through this tragedy?
Robert M. Price
#67. You wanna know how to make God laugh?" he said. "Tell him your plans." (God-shaped Hole)
Tiffanie DeBartolo
#68. Adina appealed to the sky. "We asked for rescue and you sent us incompetent rockstar pirates with a broken ship and perfect abs?"
"Thank you, God," Petra said.
Libba Bray
#69. God sure has a sense of humor. I've always tried to stay as far away as possible from lighthouses, and here I am the acting lightkeeper
Jody Hedlund
#70. He made the country down in Illinois, and He made the Missouri", the little girl continued. "I guess somebody else made the country in these parts. It's not nearly so well done. They forgot the water and the trees.
Arthur Conan Doyle
#71. The arrogant man probably thought his path to heaven was already assured, and that he acted in accordance to God's will just by breathing.
Maya Banks
#72. If you're making love to a man of God, then God must endorse your lovemaking.
Eileen Pollack
#73. I swear to God, if GreatReads doesn't stop sending me these notification emails...how many times do I have to turn them off?
Melanie Marchande
#74. My God, the corruptions of literature. It put all these notions into our heads.
Charles Baxter
#75. It's as if the universe has a sense of humor, since at a deep level it's impossible not to lead a spiritual life ...
the universe is living through you at this moment. with or without belief in god, the chain of events leading from silent awareness to physical reality remains intact.
Deepak Chopra
#76. Supplementing the far, remote Glory-of-God expression in his face, the glory-of-doughnuts shone suddenly very warmly.
Eleanor Hallowell Abbott
#77. You've lost faith in yourself? Isn't that rich? A god who's become a self-atheist!
Orson Scott Card
#78. Billions of years before twelve step groups, God committed shotgun suicide. Today wall scrapings share His gratitude stories.
Brian Spellman
#79. After Hiram Bingham built the first church on Oahu the student recalls, When it was completed some of the natives said among themselves, 'That house of worship built by the haoles is a place in which they will pray us all to death. It is meant to kill us.
Sarah Vowell
#80. Gokudera: Anyway I don't like that guy.
Tsuna: Huh? Why not?
Gokudera: Anyone older than me is my enemy.
Tsuna: [shocked - thinking to himself] God! That's alot of enemies!
Akira Amano
#81. God, don't laugh!" Jamie said, alarmed. "I didna mean to make ye laugh! Christ, Jenny will kill me if ye cough up a lung and die out here!
Diana Gabaldon
#82. Be strong, believe in freedom and in God, love yourself, understand your sexuality, have a sense of humor, masturbate, don't judge people by their religion, color or sexual habits, love life and your family.
Madonna Ciccone
#83. Never talk back to a teacher. Teachers are like God. Actually, teachers are God's boss.
Deborah Wiles
#84. 'It's not you, it's me.'
'Oh God. That's exactly what my last three boyfriends said when they dumped me. Is it in the Y-Chromosome User's Manual or something?'
He grinned. 'On page five. But, you know, don't tell anyone I told you.'
Kim Fielding
#85. Oh my God, you are making my girlie parts happy
Toni Aleo
#86. And the news got worse. It appeared that there was this whole other person Jesus Christ whose birthday a lot of people tended to confuse with mine. I was personally outraged. It was a long time before I forgave the Lord for that.
Ava Gardner
#87. Hit ain't sacrilege. Miss Effie Belle says when she cain't think what to have for dinner, she asts God and right off He gives her an idea. To my thinkin', thet's sacrilege."
Miss Love really laughed. "There's not a woman in the world who hasn't prayed what to cook for dinner, Rucker!
Olive Ann Burns
#88. Yeah. I told you he was crazy, right? I heard he does some weird stuff at home, too.' He said it with a conspiratorial stage whisper. 'Like mowing his lawn, and trimming his peonies.'
'Peonies?' I balked. 'God, he really is a freak.
Francesca Zappia
#89. Catholic schools carry out a great mission, to serve God by building knowledge and character ... By teaching the word of God, you prepare your students to follow a path of virtue.
George W. Bush
#91. Most preachers say the nature of God is unknowable, but I'm certain of one thing at least. God almighty has a sense of humor.
Robert Ferrigno
#92. A lot of people say, 'Hey, God doesn't have a sense of humor.' Yes, He does. God has a great sense of humor.
Si Robertson
#93. As we rode along LaBoeuf commenced whistling tunes, perhaps to take his mind off his sore arm. Rooster said, "God damn a man that whistles!" It was the wrong thing to say if he wished it to stop.
Charles Portis
#94. I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
Ellen DeGeneres
#95. Fruit ... it's just God showing off. "Look at all the colours I know!"
Dylan Moran
#96. So that's little Scorpious. Make sure you beat him in every test, Rosie. Thank god you've inherited your mother's brains.
J.K. Rowling
#97. The old, endless, approachable and always answering Sorrow," says my father Lucifer. "For who calls on me never goes unanswered. Only prayers to God go without answers.
Robert Nye
#98. Christians rejected the need for proof to support belief in God, yet dismissed proof altogether when it was there.
Kira Peikoff
#99. I've always wondered though," Orn mused aloud, "what does God need with a starship?"
"Are you going to make that stupid quip every time we pass a missionary ship?"
"Until they learn a new position.
Sabrina Zbasnik
#100. That woman doesn't have the sense God gave a retarded flea.
Nora Roberts
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