Top 100 Eating Humor Quotes
#1. Home. The word circled comfortably in my mouth like bubble gum, swished around sweetly soft and satisfying. Home. Try saying it aloud to yourself. Home. Isn't it like taking a bite of something lovely? If only we could eat words.
Sol Luckman
#2. Will everyone stop eating dinosaurs?' she frowned.
Neale Osborne
#3. You humans, always eating. I'll make you soup. You can eat it while you keep working." Myrnin set aside his book and walked into the back of the lab.
"Don't use the same beaker you used for poisons!" Claire yelled after him. He waved a pale hand. "I mean it!
Rachel Caine
#5. Why don't we do the whole friends with benefits thing?" he asks seriously.
"Because I don't think I'd enjoy having the benefits you give me removed" I answer back not missing a beat.
"Just friends it is then" he says not perturbed and starts eating his lunch.
R.S. Burnett
#6. What is with these guys?
Where's the thrill in watching snakes eat?
I certainly didn't thrill in watching humans eat.
Patrick Jennings
#7. We must stop eating!' cried Toad as he ate another.
Arnold Lobel
#8. Women with clear, healthy skin are not Paleo-eating stress free robots who never get their periods.
Adina Grigore
#9. Carnatur, eh? What are they man-eating daisies?
Nicole Sager
#10. I saved him a piece. Okay, a small piece. But I felt better after eating the cake and if he cared for me as much as he said he did, he'd want me to have it. So I ate his piece, too.
Celia Jerome
#11. There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.
Frank Carson
#12. When I am alone, my table manners are rather piggish, but i suppose that's because I don't eat at a table, I eat at my desk. Which could be considered a table, except we tend to define things by their function, and this particular surface is a desk, so perhaps piggish is unfair.
Kelli Jae Baeli
#13. Not only eating Lieutenant, but slobbering over the food as well. Clearly, he, she, or it has no manners.
Douglas Preston
#14. It is possible to chip your tooth while eating gummy bears when a plane is landing.
Chelsea Handler
#15. I decide that we could always indulge ourselves later. First, I had a soul-eating stone of power to poke with a stick.
Lisa Shearin
#16. I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.
Adam Carolla
#17. In geometry, whenever we had to find the area of a circle, pi * radius squared, I would get really hungry for pie. Square pie.
Dan Florence
#18. Often eating took considerable extra time, since he could hardly see his food, groping with a fork or spoon, enforcedly omnivorous. "Blind men wear spotted pants," Dorothy teased, telling him to wash his...
Edward Hoagland
#19. The thin girl was gulping down one of Richard's bananas in what was, Richard reflected, the least erotic display of banana-eating he had ever seen.
Neil Gaiman
#20. Use your head, Sep. Loads of wolverines. Hanging around waiting for super. Gtting excited. eating mint blasts. so what do you think they do?'
it must be here. they can't have eaten that ... i dunno, Nik, what do they do?'
POO.
Angie Sage
#21. Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
Dave Barry
#22. I like 'fresh fruit flan'," said the donkey. "Three excellent words."
"I don't have one," said Noah immediately before the question could even be asked, and the donkey opened his eyes wide in suprise, and for a moment Noah wondered whether he might even consider eating him.
John Boyne
#23. We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie.
David Mamet
#24. I've always found wildlife very calming
except when animals are eating each other, of course.
Tom Upton
#25. What are you eating?" he ask us.
"Whatever won't kill me, please" I said.
"Whatever don't kill you'll make you stronger" says Eddie, who is always ready with folksy wisdom.
"All right," I say. "Then give me whatever will make me stronger."
"One pizza, coming up.
Adam Selzer
#26. My little girls can break my heart. They can make me cry just looking at them eating their string beans.
Barack Obama
#27. I tried eating vegetarian. I felt like a wimp going into a restaurant. "What do you want to eat sir? Broccoli?" Broccoli's a side dish, folks. Always was, always will be, OK! When they ask me what I want, I say: What do you think I want? This is America. I want a bowl of raw red meat right now.
Denis Leary
#29. I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.
Tommy Cooper
#30. Bildon killed Tad. Look, there's his dagger hidden in the pot of semolina. There's the proof," he screamed. "It's in the pudding."
What an idiot, thought Madrick as he raced up the steps, the proof is always in the eating.
Ken Magee
#31. Goodwill to Spazzy up in gerbil heaven. Sorry sorry sorry. I stopped eating meat the day of the massacre, as penance for Spazzy. I've been a vegetarian since age six, all for the love of a gerbil.
Rachel Cohn
#32. As distasteful as it is to decline your invitation, I'm afraid that it is preferable to attending yet another half-assed weekend eating gunky canapes in that cesspool of a shack you call a beach cottage.
A.C. Kemp
#33. 'Having' Your Cake ... a little perverted ...
'Eating' it too ... a lot perverted!
Josh Stern
#34. You have a faculty for defining the simplest in terms of the grandiose, so that a poor devil like me can't understand it.
Malcolm Bradbury
#35. They have been eating muffins. That looks like repentance
Oscar Wilde
#36. Well, really, how would you like to make love with someone who kept twittering about his pure mystic modality and wanted to stick flowers in your navel?
Malcolm Bradbury
#37. Also, I am not sure what you are teaching in your classroom, but Seb came home the other week talking about a healthy eating pyramid. I had to explain to him that pyramids are made of stone and therefore not edible, so I would appreciate your not filling his head with these fanciful notions.
David Thorne
#38. I am just an old country boy in a big town trying to get along. I have been eating pretty regular and the reason I have been is because I have stayed an old country boy.
Will Rogers
#39. Shep claimed eating cake like that so early in the morning was a 'whore's breakfast.' The rest of them didn't care. They were happy little whores who didn't worry about saving a morsel.
Rebecca Wells
#40. He is quiet for a minute, then turns his head to look at me. "Where were you when I was twelve?"
"Well, I was nine." I cut my eyes over to him. "And probably locked in the back of a Ho-Ho truck, eating my way to freedom. Yeah, that really happened.
Nicole Christie
#41. Neighbours complaining about someone's dog making an awful racket. You could hardly blame the poor beast, its owner had died in her bed at least a fortnight before and there hadn't been much left of the old girl worth eating.
James Oswald
#42. Given the choice between eating this cupcake or watching Ryan Gosling and Jon Hamm wrestle each other for the privilege of having sex with me, I'd choose the cupcake.
Lisa Kleypas
#43. There's a friendly tie of some sort between music and eating.
Thomas Hardy
#44. There are a great many aspects to feline life, but the three most important - the Holy Trinity, if you will - are eating, sleeping and washing.
Jem Vanston
#45. Vlad hated doing the paperwork as much as he did when a human employee quit, which was why they'd both made a promise not to eat quitters just to avoid the paperwork. As Tess had pointed out, eating the staff was bad for marale and made it so much harder to find new employees.
Anne Bishop
#46. I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait".
Mitch Hedberg
#47. I know the Goliath Fucking Bird-Eating Spider can't fly because if it could, it would have a different name entirely. We would call it "sir" because it would be the dominant species on the planet. None of us would leave the house unless a Goliath Fucking Bird-Eating Spider said it was okay
David Wong
#48. Man, you weigh a freaking ton," he told me. "What've you been eating, rocks?"
"Why, is your head missing some?" I croaked. His mouth almost quirked in a smile, and that's when I knew how upset he'd been
James Patterson
#49. Live in the present. Don't think about things that aren't happening. Definitely don't think about eating cheeseburgers when you're not eating cheeseburgers. First of all, it's not happening. Second of all, it'll just make you hungry.
Amber Heart
#50. A certain man once lost a diamond cuff-link in the wide blue sea, and twenty years later, on the exact day, a Friday apparently, he was eating a large fish - but there was no diamond inside. That's what I like about coincidence.
Vladimir Nabokov
#51. I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, "Gimme that", you better hand it over.
Mitch Hedberg
#52. Did you get a secret thrill out of sitting across from me, eating a civilized dinner while pretending not to know you were teasing my cock?" Rate St. Sebastian
Samanthe Beck
#54. With everyone lounging around, eating sleeping, sunning, pooping, it looks like some weird combat version of an outdoor rock festival.
Evan Wright
#55. Looking angrily at the wombat: and a moment later, 'Come now, Stephen, this is coming it pretty high: your brute is eating my hat.'
'So he is, too,' said Dr. Maturin. 'But do not be perturbed, Jack; it will do him no harm, at all. His digestive processes
Patrick O'Brian
#56. My ex - may he soon discover tiny worms have invaded his body and are slowly eating him alive - once told me God made men so perfect because He'd wanted to make up for the inadequacies of women.
Gena Showalter
#57. I found that all I really wanted was to eat beautiful food and to speak as much beautiful Italian as possible. That was it. So I declared a double major, really-in speaking and in eating (with a concentration on gelato).
Elizabeth Gilbert
#58. Beth from accounting
is just sitting in her car
eating spaghetti.
Ryan Mecum
#59. Happiness depends on sound sleep, orderly bowels and regular meals.
Matthew Fort
#60. It needs to be said that sometimes my mom forgets important details when she talks. Like the time she told us she was considering leather (couches, it turns out), or when I was little and she said, "Here's a napkin to put your balls in" (the Atomic Fireballs that I was eating, she meant).
Bill Konigsberg
#61. It wasn't like a date, she reasoned. Not like some weird double date with her and the brother of the dead guy and her best friend and her best friend's ex-husband who didn't really count. It was just eating.
Nora Roberts
#62. Who knew death could lead to an eating disorder?
Corey Redekop
#63. Bluebell: Please, sir, I'm only a little [car] and I've left all my petrol on the grass. So if you don't mind eating the grass, sir, while I give this lady a ride-
Hazel: Bluebell, shut up!
Richard Adams
#64. It can be exhausting eating a meal cooked by a man. With a woman, it's, Ho hum, pass the beans. A guy, you have to act like he just built the Taj Mahal.
Deb Caletti
#65. I used to have a big dog, a rottweiler, to guard the place. One night I was working late, and he was outside barking in the snow. He wouldn't stop. Then he stopped. I went out ten minutes later with a lamp, and there was a ring of wolves eating my dog.
Martin Cruz Smith
#68. It's because I'm pregnant, Christian."
He snorts, and his mouth twists into an ironic smile. "If I knew getting you knocked up was going to make you eat, I might have done it earlier.
E.L. James
#69. We don't ask when people age out of singing, or eating ice cream; why would we stop making love?
Ashton Applewhite
#70. Sorry, but I'd rather sit home eating Vienna sausage straight from the can watching Andy Griffith reruns than be forced to dine with that Oompa-Loompa!
Piper Faust
#71. The melon of Castile is for self abuse. The melon of Valencia for eating.
Ernest Hemingway,
#72. Living life without humor is like eating food without taste buds.
Jonathan Heatt
#73. Just thinking about the cake she was not eating made her cry.
Michael Kaplan
#74. Percy looked at Coach Hedge and Frank. "A trap?"
"Probably," Frank said.
"She's not mortal," Hedge said, sniffing the air. "Probably some kind of goat-eating, demigod-destroying fiend from Tartarus."
"No doubt," Percy agreed.
"Awesome." Hedge grinned. "Let's go.
Rick Riordan
#75. Wearing a condom is like eating an icecream cone with a sock on your tongue.
Mark Gungor
#76. How sick are you? Holy crap. Are you dying or something? Is that why you're going on
a retreat and eating only lettuce?
Maisey Yates
#77. There is nothing more luxurious than eating while you read - unless it be reading while you eat. Amabel did both: they are not the same thing, as you will see if you think the matter over.
E. Nesbit
#78. One of the best reasons for eating alone is the assurance that you will enjoy the company.
Karen E. Quinones Miller
#79. When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles
and the bottle's on a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles ...
... they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle
bottle paddle battle.
Dr. Seuss
#80. Reading Claire Cooks novel is like eating some exotic dish about which you say, Wow, this is great! Whats in it? The ingredients here are: intelligence, humor, poignancy, revelation and, perhaps best of all, true originality. Ready to Fall seems to me to be ready to soar.
Elizabeth Berg
#81. An apple a day keeps the doctor away.' But eating too many, is quite enough-plenty. And you'll have to go see the good doc anyway.
Solange Nicole
#82. He sighed. It was a long sigh, weary and worldly-wise. The kind of sigh you could picture God heaving after six days of hard work and looking forward to some serious cosmic R&R, only to be handed a report by an angel concerning a problem with someone eating an apple.
Neil Gaiman
#83. Now I remember why I hate eating sheep. Horrible, fluffy things that give me hair balls and indigestion. ( Saphira from the Eragon Series)
Christopher Paolini
#84. What are you doing eating a salad? If you turned sideways in the wind, you'd whistle.
Lani Diane Rich
#85. He was always eating things of hers. Clothing, books, family heirlooms.
Kellyn Roth
#86. Well they're pissed off and they're hungry. I was kind of busy trying not to get my brains eaten. They seemed pretty adamant about the brain-eating thing. Then they're going to IKEA, I guess
Christopher Moore
#87. And when all feels hopeless, remember that you are in charge of what goes into your body, you don't answer to anyone, and you are allowed to eat anything you want. Often just knowing we can eat whatever we want is enough to keep us from eating whatever we want. We're so rebellious.
Rory Freedman
#88. There's a combination of things [to survive the road trip]. Humor would be key. If everyone has relatively the same sense of humor, then that helps. And things in common, like food, eating.
Brendan Benson
#89. I do not eat breakfast. i never eat breakfast. I haven't eaten breakfast since I was able to walk out the back door without eating breakfast first.
David Levithan
#90. By the time she had interpreted Harry's dreams at the top of her voice (all of which, even the ones that involved eating porridge, apparently foretold a gruesome and early death), he was feeling much less sympathetic toward her.
J.K. Rowling
#91. Phillip has enough to worry about. He doesn't have time to have his heart broken by my man-eating twin," Piper teased.
Reese faked a hurt look as she said, "Hey, I make sure they're satisfied before I feed!
Toni Aleo
#92. Dolphins and sharks are natural enemies. Dolphins are like, "Quit eating us," and sharks are like, "Stop smiling all the time, you morons.
Dan Florence
#93. 'There's a seagull eating our food,' he told me, and it was the most romantic thing I'd ever heard.
T.J. Klune
#94. The first time someone asked me if I was pregnant, I was eating friend cheese at the Summit County Fair
Olive B. Persimmon
#95. I was used to shooting beer cans off the back of an old washing machine, or at things that ran away from me that I intended to eat - not things that ran toward me with the intent of eating me.
I'd found that to be a significant difference.
Lisa Shearin
#96. When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE!
Demetri Martin
#97. I watched my friend Eleanor give birth," she said. "Once you've seen a child born, you realize a baby's not much more than a reconstituted ham and cheese sandwich. Just a little anagram of you and what you've been eating for nine months.
Lorrie Moore
#98. It was through eavesdropping that I learned that you could buy fresh peanut butter at Whole Foods from a machine that grinds it in front of you. I had wasted so much of my life eating stupid old, already-ground peanut butter. So, yeah, I highly recommend a little nosiness once in a while.
Mindy Kaling
#99. So, Mr. Mandrake, what is it you plan to do with me this evening?" I asked haughtily.
"I presume," he said, playing along, "that I will start with feeding you proper and then proceed with more ... pestiferous acts."
I smiled through the confusion. I'd have to look up that word later.
Brandi Salazar
#100. isn't telling a girl you just loooooove eating horsemeat one step away from saying you haven't lived 'til you've eaten puppy skewers?
Rachel Dratch
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