Adam Selzer Quotes

#1. I mean, who wants to date a guy who thinks a girl who can't operate a fruit cup is attractive?

Adam Selzer

#2. Let me get this straight," I say. "You're practically ordering me to die. What kind of guidance counselor are you?

Adam Selzer

#3. There a lot of things I can't do," he says. "With my ... health."
"Well," I say, "can you kiss girls?

Adam Selzer

#4. I mean, you really can't imagine how awesome coffee tastes, or how awesome it is to hear music, to hear idiots talking ... I mean, it hurts. Everything hurts. But everything in the world is so awesome that sometimes I just can't stand it.

Adam Selzer

#5. Go to college. Have a lot of babies. Break a lot of hearts. And realize every minute of it.

Adam Selzer

#6. If you really like someone, it doesn't matter what their mouth feels or tastes like. The kiss is still awesome.

Adam Selzer

#7. When you're dead, everything in the world is like a song that makes you cry.

Adam Selzer

#8. What are you eating?" he ask us.
"Whatever won't kill me, please" I said.
"Whatever don't kill you'll make you stronger" says Eddie, who is always ready with folksy wisdom.
"All right," I say. "Then give me whatever will make me stronger."
"One pizza, coming up.

Adam Selzer

#9. When a girl turns down your advances, the polite thing to do is just move on.

Adam Selzer

#10. Whenever I start thinking about death, it always cheers me up to think about my funeral and my tombstone (which, by the way, will say "Here lies Harlan Sturr. Please don't pee on him.")

Adam Selzer

#11. Following the footnotes of a Lincoln book can drive you towards madness. But it also gives you the chance to spend days trying to determine whether Lincoln might have actually taken a ride on a flying piano, and that's a damned interesting way to spend one's working life.

Adam Selzer

#12. Some of them are wearing skirts that I'm pretty sure are supposed to be belts.

Adam Selzer

#13. Wow," says Peter, "when your guidance counselor tells you to die, you really have problems.

Adam Selzer

#14. Isn't it generally known that you have to overlook flaws in people you date, to some extent? I mean, you expect them to overlook your flaws. It's only fair that you overlook some of theirs.

Adam Selzer

#15. Did you just hit on her by calling her your cousin?" asks Sadie. "'Cause, damn!

Adam Selzer