Top 100 Bartender Quotes
#1. I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Rodney Dangerfield
#2. Joe!' he called. 'Hey, honey, can you get the pretty girl a Coke?'
'Only if you stop calling me *honey*,' the bartender, a bearded man in his thirties, replied. 'We've had this discussion before, Harrison.'
'Aw, Joe. It's so cute that you think I listen.
Kody Keplinger
#3. A bartender named Murphy once told me to be careful when I hit the road because sometimes the road hits back. He was right.
Patrick Thomas
#4. Lend's dad, two werewolves, and a vampire. It was like the setup to a bad joke or something. A doctor, two werewolves, and a vampire walk into a bar. "What'll you have?" the bartender asks. "We were thinking him," the vampire answers, eyeing the doctor.
Okay, jokes weren't my strong point.
Kiersten White
#5. If Jesus was a bartender, He would still only be half as cool as Carlos.
Richard Kadrey
#6. When I reached the bar, I ordered a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster from the female Klingon bartender and downed half of it.
Ernest Cline
#7. I had a bartender friend once tell me about a $14.00 shot of vodka, this was years ago it's probably more now. I thought that was crazy. From what I understand, vodka has no taste. I think people like the taste of their money.
Ian MacKaye
#8. I am what I am," Ty said. "And what is that?" Ariane asked. "A bartender. Always happy to make new acquaintances." He nodded at Bard. "Or to provide guests with drinks. Anyone thirsty?
Neal Stephenson
#9. When someone asks whether they have bourbon, the bartender says smugly, 'Yes, of course, James Beam, very good.' " "James Beam. That is
Don DeLillo
#10. (Mason) took a swig of his drink and shuddered. 'Whoa - little too strong there bartender.' He scrunched his face. 'Oh shit, I am the bartender.
Martin Fillmore Clark
#11. This guitar is such a pal. It's a psychiatrist. It's a doggone bartender. It's a housewife. This guy is everything. Whenever I find that I've got a problem, I'll go pick my guitar up and play. It's the greatest pal in the whole world.
Les Paul
#12. John Boehner is a member of a country club in Ohio. It turns out that the bartender was plotting to poison Boehner. Now wait a minute. Isn't that the movie with Seth Rogen and James Franco?
David Letterman
#13. I'm the bartender. Everyone talks to the bartender, remember?
Riley Hart
#14. He thought of the Englishman at the bar in the lobby again. That's what had brought it all back - the Englishman remarking to the bartender that he'd just come from New Orleans, and that certainly was a haunted city.
Anne Rice
#15. A pretty bartender, chocolate skin and ebony eyes, gave him a broad smile and an "I'll be right there" wink as she poured a glass of wine for another customer.
Tiffany Reisz
#16. Few places are more charming than a quiet cocktail lounge in the middle of the day with the ice tinkling in the glasses and the starched look of a bartender's white shirt and the clarity of the beer in the glass with the bubbles drifting up.
Robert B. Parker
#17. in there," and the first guy says, "Watch." In he goes and orders a beer. "Sorry, you can't bring your dog in here," says the bartender.
Various
#18. Maybe he really did have a very rich secret life," I suggested.
"Nah."
"Nah," sneered the bartender. "He was just one of those kids who made model airplanes and jerked off all the time.
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
#19. What happened when the ghost asked for a whiskey at his local bar? The bartender said, "Sorry sir, we don't serve spirits here." ***
Various
#20. I remember back in Detroit, I used to go to the Apex Bar every night after I got off work. The bartender there used to call me Boom Boom. I don't know why, but he did.
John Lee Hooker
#21. I was not a great bartender, but I did OK. I wasn't great at being efficient behind the bar, but I was pretty great at talking to people. I was a pretty good waiter. It was painstaking to get me to care about the clientele of some of these places I was working at.
Jack Falahee
#22. From the end of the bar, the bartender threw a sidelong look at him, so Clarence pulled out a broken Bluetooth headset and fixed it to his ear.
"I learned this trick while traveling with Mikey," Clarence told Nick. "Makes my brand of crazy the same as everyone else's.
Neal Shusterman
#23. For a while a person is a junkie and a bartender or a junkie and a father or a junkie and a thief, but after a while he's just a junkie.
Daniel Polansky
#24. There was a sad fellow over on a bar stool talking to the bartender, who was polishing a glass and listening with that plastic smile people wear when they are trying not to scream.
Raymond Chandler
#25. Went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.
Rodney Dangerfield
#26. I got fired from being a lunch-shift bartender because I had a reading of a play.
John Krasinski
#27. I feel so fortunate and lucky I don't have to be a waitress or a bartender or a personal trainer.
Abbie Cobb
#28. Finish your beer," he says then nods to the bartender. "Jack. Neat.
M. Leighton
#29. I'm a bartender. I like recipes. They're concretes. Was the drink recipe for seduction one shot charm and two shots self-deception, shaken, not stirred?
Karen Marie Moning
#30. Anyway, whacking a surly bartender ain't much of a crime.
Larry McMurtry
#31. So, what's it gonna be, boys? We've got a new bartender to audition.
Cheers go up all around me. Olivia's got a fan base already. She's gonna make me a killing.
M. Leighton
#32. I wouldn't recommend being a musician to anyone. It's not glamorous. It's a lot of being dirty, not eating, playing for five people and one of them is the bartender.
Dan Reynolds
#33. A guy walks into a wedding reception. He goes up to the bartender and asks, "Is this the punch line?
Various
#34. A cocktail can be made by the bartender. But the cocktail also can be made by the chef.
Jose Andres
#35. And then I want to come back here, light all these candles ... ' He kisses me again. ' ... and tell you a story about a lowly Irish peasant bartender who falls in love with a beautiful American princess.
K.A. Tucker
#36. Alcohol.
It can give the courage to talk dirty and the permission to go home with the bartender.
It's the alibi. The cover story.
It wasn't really you - you were possessed by Captain Morgan and the Grey Goose.
Unfortunately, I have a very high tolerance for alcohol.
Sucks to be me.
Emma Chase
#37. I remain faithful to bourbon sour. It's absolutely delicious. You'd have to ask a bartender what's in it, but I think if you know you might never have a drink. I also love a little rum, 7 years aged, brown, when it is chilly, before dinner.
Christian Louboutin
#38. I toured Ontario in the winter of '48, in a touring company of The Drunkard, in which I played the bartender.
Jonathan Frid
#39. A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve vegetables!" The mushroom responds, "But I'm a fungi!" ***
Various
#40. Bartender's smile widened. His ugliness was the stuff of legend. In an age of affordable beauty, there was
William Gibson
#41. Look, I'm the DD tonight, but I'm offering to be more than just your driver. I'll be your bodyguard, and your bartender, and most importantly, your friend. I promise to look out for you tonight, Wellsy.
Elle Kennedy
#42. Bless my soul," whispered the old bartender, "Harry Potter ... what an honor.
J.K. Rowling
#43. I think everyone should go to college and get a degree and then spend six months as a bartender and six months as a cabdriver. Then they would really be educated.
Al McGuire
#44. A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how jokes work.
Various
#45. To extract the fullest flavor of our drinking house, we needed to spend serious evening time there, slowly coming to know the bartender and the regulars, their joys and sorrows.
Barbara Holland
#46. Despite his overtly masculine appearance, his reserve suggested he would be the type to order a glass of milk at the bar.
That offended her as a bartender and as a recreational drinker.
Tessa Bailey
#47. Bruno was a musician with the temperament of an anarchist and the breath of a bartender's dishrag. He gave the lie to bookselling as a genteel occupation.
Sheridan Hay
#48. They made it to the middle class, my dad working as a bartender and my mother as a cashier and a maid. I didn't inherit any money from them. But I inherited something far better - the real opportunity to accomplish my dreams.
Marco Rubio
#49. My dad was a cop. My mom worked at various jobs - she worked as a homemaker, a bank teller, a bartender.
Lee Daniels
#50. There's been times when I have actually had sex indoors. And then you kind of sober up a little when it's over. I become like a bartender at 2 AM. OK, people, let's move it out! Yeah, you don't have to go home but you can't stay here.
Janeane Garofalo
#51. Shouting something to the bartender about the usual for the ladies and something pink for the pretty boy. On second thought, this was going to be a long night.
Christina Lauren
#52. A bear walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, I'd like a gin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and tonic." And the bartender says, "Sure, but what's with the big pause?
Various
#53. Everyone feels like they would love to be a really cool bartender in a really cool bar, but you're still surrounded by people who want to destroy themselves with alcohol. When you look at it that way, it's not that much fun.
John Hodgman
#54. Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."
Rodney Dangerfield
#55. It's true though: time moves in its own special way in the middle of the night," the bartender says, loudly striking a book match and lighting a cigarette. "You can't fight it.
Haruki Murakami
#57. a beer. The bartender says, "You'll
Various
#58. I could finally quit my job as a bartender and stop dreaming that I might be Superman and know that I was. Then I started thinking about how cool it was.
Brandon Routh
#59. The greatest accomplishment of a bartender lies in his ability to exactly suit his customer ...
Harry Gordon Johnson
#60. The girl you're looking for no longer exists. She died thirteen years ago. The woman who's left, she's just a bartender.
Sarah Grimm
#61. Anorexia was there for me before I got into modeling, but because of the arena and the demands, the disease really got out of control for me. It's like being an alcoholic and going and being a bartender.
Carre Otis
#62. Every time I read a Jane Austen novel, I feel like a bartender at the gates of heaven.
Mark Twain
#63. Sometimes just explaining your predicament--to a bartender, a priest, the old woman in a shift and flip-flops cleaning the lint traps in the Laundromat dryers--is all it takes to see a way out of it.
Julia Claiborne Johnson
#64. Julius Caesar walks into a bar. "I'll have a martinus," he says. The bartender
Various
#65. Never pick a fight with a guy in a bartender's uniform. Never!
Ryohgo Narita
#66. So you're telling me that intoxicated cowboy is my best hope of getting to Paint River Ranch tonight?"
The bartender gave a sympathetic shrug. "Yep. And you'd better catch him before he starts drinking again.
Elizabeth Otto
#67. My dad was a bartender. My mom was a cashier, a maid and a stock clerk at K-Mart. They never made it big. They were never rich. And yet they were successful. Because just a few decades removed from hopelessness, they made possible for us all the things that had been impossible for them.
Marco Rubio
#68. Of all of them there at the bar that night, the bartender was the one who survived the longest. He died three weeks later on the road out of the city.
Emily St. John Mandel
#69. The bartender's eyes went beyond me to the Rock Chicks and he said, "Eleven screaming orgasms, comin' right up." Phew. All right, fine. That wasn't so hard. I could do this. I could buy shots for the girls.
Kristen Ashley
#70. E-flat walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors.
Various
#71. Now I need to take a piece of wood and make it sound like the railroad track, but I also had to make it beautiful and lovable so that a person playing it would think of it in terms of his mistress, a bartender, his wife, a good psychiatrist - whatever.
Les Paul
#72. My dad was a bartender that worked banquets.
Marco Rubio
#73. A Roman centurion walks into a bar and orders a martinus.
The bartender says, "Don't you mean a martini?"
The centurion answers, "If I wanted a double I would have ordered it.
Harlan Wolff
#74. I would be like the third-hottest bartender at a Dave & Buster's in Cincinnati.
Amy Schumer
#75. A duck walks into a bar and the bartender asks, what'll it be? The duck doesn't answer because it's a duck.
Jodi Picoult
#76. Can I get you a drink?" "Sure. I'll have a gimlet." She turned to the bartender. "About a quarter more soda than lime juice, and have you got Tanqueray? Just a splash of lime juice. And a lime on the rim, please." "She'll have that shaken, not stirred," Drew added.
Miranda Liasson
#77. Two jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, "You guys better not start anything in here!
Various
#78. The sigh associated with Hot Bartender Dude would most definitely be felt around the world and in the lady parts.
Probably in some boy parts, too.
J. Lynn
#79. I was an amazing bartender and a great waiter. I think, in a way, that was my acting school.
Nick Frost
#80. So what did I do? I crawled back into my bed and ate another gallon of ice creamy goodness and tried to forget the tattooed bartender who had bulldozed his way into my life. Stupid dick wad.
A Meredith Walters
#81. I was a bartender at a Pizzeria Uno's for nine years. The people I worked with were amazing, but it was quite possibly the most miserable time of my life.
Bobby Moynihan
#82. A man and a giraffe walk into a bar and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe drinks so much he passes out on the floor. The man gets up and heads for the door, at which point the bartender yells, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" "That's not a lion! It's a giraffe.
Barry Dougherty
#83. I spent a lot of time listening to people. But it's also true that I liked details and listening to people when I was a bartender and when I was a waitress and probably when I was a babysitter as well. I suspect that's part of what drew me to psychotherapy rather than the other way around.
Amy Bloom
#84. If I go before I'm old, Oh brother of mine please don't forget me if I go. Bartender please, fill my glass for me? With the wine you gave Jesus that set him free, after three days in the ground.
Dave Matthews
#85. From 1965 to 1974, I served the best possible apprenticeship for an actor. I learned firsthand how a truck driver lives, what a bartender does, how a salesman thinks. I had to make a life inside those jobs, not just pretend.
Brian Dennehy
#86. French fry walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Hey, could I get a beer please?" The bartender looks at him shaking his head and says, "No, we don't serve food here.
Various
#87. Murderer or bartender or writer, it didn't matter: his fate was the common fate of all, his finish my finish; and here tonight in this city of darkened windows were other millions like him and like me: as indistinguishable as dying blades of grass. Living was hard enough. Dying was a supreme task.
John Fante
#88. Only one way to cover a story like this, and make that a double, bartender, please.
P. J. O'Rourke
#89. I've never been a waitress, hostess, bartender or any of the typical side jobs you'd expect an actor to have. This is partly because I've always been afraid of dropping plates on customer's heads.
Candace Kita
#90. You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name
and you've never been to that bar before.
Zach Galifianakis
#92. The bartender's smile widened. His ugliness was the stuff of legend. In an age of affordable beauty, there was something heraldic about his lack of it.
William Gibson
#93. Beer is fine," I said.
"For now." Adam waited as I put in my order. "You'll need something stiffer after Mike really starts getting to you."
"Oh, he's getting to me," I said, as the bartender brought my beer. "Usually, I drink Sprite.
Diana Peterfreund
#94. One lone wolf sat on
the other side of the offender, licking his chops.
"Yeah, you know we don't discriminate around here. We like
dark meat, white meat, red meat, even yellow meat," the wolf said,
staring up at the bartender. "It's all good stuff.
Lynn Mullican
#95. People called me a hoodlum and a thug. But they didn't tell you I was a carpenter, an architect, a stand-up comic - even a bartender. And a barbecue cook. But they didn't tell you that.
Bobby Seale
#96. I was frustrated because I couldn't get going, as I was trying to figure out how to make films. I had various jobs, I taught a SAT class, I was a bartender, I had a day job at an office and was making short films.
David O. Russell
#97. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Albert Einstein
#98. A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you? No charge.
Various
#99. I remembered reading in a hard-boiled detective novel that if you drink in the same place two nights in a row, the bartender and waiters will remember your face.
Ryu Murakami
#100. Once again, Rylann tried to catch the eye of the female bartender working Firelight's main bar.
One of the few times I've ever wished for a penis,
Julie James
Famous Authors
Popular Topics
Scroll to Top
