Top 100 Waiter Quotes
#2. Eight years ago, I was a waiter, and I didn't have a pot to piss in. And now ... ? It's like I said to my wife: I love the fact that, if I was in a restaurant and Steven Spielberg walked in, I could go up to him and say, 'Hey, mate, how are you?' I think that's pretty amazing, actually.
Nick Frost
#3. If I worked as a waiter, I'd go home and write songs and record them. I'd have to. It's the only thing I know how to do. It's the only thing I can do.
Albert Hammond Jr.
#4. I was a waiter before 'The Office,' so to me, this was a winning lottery ticket. Everything about my life has changed.
John Krasinski
#5. The New York waiter ... knows more than you do about everything. He disapproves of your taste in food and clothing, your gauche manners, your miserliness, and sometimes, it seems, of your very existence, which he tries to ignore.
Kate Simon
#6. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
Dave Barry
#7. I love to watch those old movies on late-night television, particularly when a couple get up from a champagne dinner in a posh restaurant and the hero hands the waiter $3. But the best part is when he says, "Keep the change."
Robert Orben
#8. My father was and is a great father. My father always wanted to do stand-up. He wanted to be an actor. But instead he did two jobs. He did customer service at a hospital and he worked as a waiter at night. He pretty much sacrificed everything for his daughters.
Sherri Shepherd
#9. I went to a restaurant the other day called 'Taste of the Raj.' The waiter hit me with a stick and got me to build a complicated railway system.
Harry Hill
#10. When I was a waiter, I wanted to be the best waiter I could be and worked to be better at it every day.
Robert Herjavec
#11. Of course we've been fighting against stereotypes from Day One at East West. That's the reason we formed: to combat that, and to show we are capable of more than just fulfilling the stereotypes - waiter, laundryman, gardener, martial artist, villain.
Mako
#12. Waiting around to be perfect never amounts to anything. Don't be a waiter or you'll be serving other people.
Ian Desabrais
#13. I was working in restaurants as a captain and as a waiter.
Sally Schneider
#14. I wore white gloves. I lived with my mother & father. I was not a child. I was 37 years old. My bottom lip was swollen. I wore white gloves though I was not a servent. I did not play in a brass band. I was not a waiter. I was not a magician. I was the attendant of a museum.
Edward Carey
#15. The young man called the waiter and paid. Then he got up and said to the girl: 'We're going.'
Where to?' The girl feigned surprise.
Don't ask, just come on,' said the young man.
Is that any way to talk to me?'
It's the way I talk to whores.
Milan Kundera
#16. He thinks he is a flower to be looked at And when he pulls his frilly nylon pants right up tight He feels a dedicated follower of fashion. When a waiter at Buckingham Palace spilled soup on her dress: Never darken my Dior again!
Ray Davies
#17. The waiter smiled a polite little waiter's smile. He had almost exhausted his polite little waiter repertoire and would soon be slipping into his role of a rather tight-lipped and sarcastic little waiter.
Douglas Adams
#18. I held down as many jobs as I could find, from being a waiter to working at a yoga studio and as a ticket-taker at a small theater company - anything that would allow me to go out and do auditions.
John Krasinski
#19. I met my first midget in Mexico, and he was a waiter with a sombrero on his head, filled with chips and salsa. Like I was gonna let that guy get away - I don't think so.
Chelsea Handler
#20. Steakhouses sort of have this old-school nature to them; they're like museums full of good food. It's fun hearing the waiter share his expertise on the different cuts of beef and how they're going to cut up your baked potato.
Jim Gaffigan
#22. I was not a great bartender, but I did OK. I wasn't great at being efficient behind the bar, but I was pretty great at talking to people. I was a pretty good waiter. It was painstaking to get me to care about the clientele of some of these places I was working at.
Jack Falahee
#23. Your dressed as a waiter and I am dressed as a doctor so we are just as we live.
Tim Wayne
#24. In my experience, I've noticed that waiting on tables is one of two things that almost everyone thinks they can do. The other is writing. Perhaps it's no accident that there is only one letter of difference between waiter and writer.
Debra Ginsberg
#25. Oh my God, you're right! Our third date. We should totally have sex now! It wasn't my fault the waiter was walking past just as I said it and dropped the plate he was carrying. David stopped trying and laughed out loud.
J.L. Merrow
#26. a real sport." The waiter popped the cork and
Judy Blume
#27. I did plenty of jobs that I hated. I was a bank teller and terrible at it. I parked cars, a valet. I answered phones. I somehow avoided being a waiter. I knew I wouldn't be able to keep the order straight. I'm not much of a multi-tasker.
Will Ferrell
#28. I told the waiter I was looking for a hotel whose name I didn't know on a street whose name I didn't know and could he help me; we both laughed and he said: Aren't we all.
Ben Lerner
#29. I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
Phyllis Diller
#30. If you wait for inspiration to write you're not a writer, you're a waiter.
Dan Poynter
#31. Everything I do, I go to black people. If I have a problem at the airport, I'll go to the black ticket agent. I hope they notice me because I'll get better service. If I'm at a restaurant, I look for the black waiter. Rent-a-Car, give you the upgrade.
Gary Owen
#32. Alex the waiter was on my Spank Naughty list in third place, right after Henry Calvill the actor, then Henry Calvill as Superman. He was proof that God existed, and that God loved straight women.
Penny Reid
#33. I like it when the waiter askes you if you want parmesan cheese on your dinner, yeah, give me essence of puke all over me tea!
Lee Evans
#34. I'm almost 40, so it's an awkward time in my career. You kind of hope it comes through and, if not, I'll be a waiter. Awesome.
Matthew Lillard
#35. On a waiter's check pad," said Slartibartfast, "reality and unreality collide on such a fundamental level that each becomes the other and anything is possible, within certain parameters.
Douglas Adams
#36. Waiter, why on earth is there a footprint on my pie? You did ask me to step on it, sir.
Jane Eccles
#37. Every touch ramped her desire higher and the carnal look in Chad's eyes was making swallowing difficult.By the time the waiter served their coffee, she was ready to throw him down on the table and ravish him in front of God and everybody.
Tamara Hoffa
#38. The sky is as gruff as a Chinese waiter. It keeps slamming the silverware against the horizon.
Tom Robbins
#39. A real litmus test for me is how people treat someone who is waiting on them. That's a dealbreaker for me.If I were on the verge of getting into a serious relationship and I saw that person be mean to a waiter ... I'm out.
Steven Soderbergh
#40. But compared with the task of selecting a piece of French pastry held by an impatient waiter a move in chess is like reaching for a salary check in its demand on the contemplative faculties.
Robert Benchley
#41. That was my first real experience at feeling set apart. Not only did I not knock them dead, but rather it was I that died...acutely aware of being mutton dressed up as lamb. I exchanged my white tie and tails for a white waiter's jacket and got back to my proper calling!
Graham Kerr
#42. Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say "Thank you." That's now escalated into "You care care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, "Don't put off that mammogram."
Rita Rudner
#43. I've never been in love ... But I imagine it's similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food
Zach Galifianakis
#44. When I was 18, I lived in Greenwich Village, New York, for nine months. At that time, I wanted to change the world, not through architecture, but through painting. I lived the artist's life, mingling with poets and writers, and working as a waiter. I was intrigued by the aliveness of the city.
Christian De Portzamparc
#45. Hold the newsreader's nose squarely, waiter, or friendly milk will countermand my trousers.
Stephen Fry
#46. My meal arrived. It was a bowl of tepid, green curried water with two spinach leaves floating in it. The waiter called it 'vegetable soup'. I called it inedible slop.
Frank Kusy
#47. I notice how well or badly a guy treats a waiter, or whether he's kind to some people and not to others. One guy I was with actually yelled, 'Get out of my face!' at a homeless man. Needless to say, there was no second date.
Sarah Wynter
#48. Could I have a Sloe Gin Fizz, without the gin?"
"What's the point of that, Miss?" the waiter said.
"Tomorrow morning," Mabel said.
Libba Bray
#50. I was an actor in college and it was much easier than being a waiter. I thought it was fun to get paid. People were not exactly surprised to see me going in the field.
Dom Irrera
#51. If you're a waiter, the worst thing you can do is go to work resenting your job. This will sound trite - but it's the reality, and part of my personality - yet when I was a waiter, I tried to be the best waiter, and when I was a bingo-caller I tried to be the best bingo-caller.
Russell Crowe
#52. Unlike in Europe, where serving is often a career rather than a backup plan, American table-waiting remains a bootstrap business, and some of the biggest skeptics of waiter training courses and schools are seasoned servers themselves.
David Sax
#53. Robert Whitmore
died of apoplexy
when a stranger from Georgia
mistook him
for a former Macon waiter.
Frank Marshall Davis
#54. [On being an actor] .nothing more than a worker in a service occupation . It's like being a waiter or a gas station attendant, but I'm waiting on 6 million people in a week if I'm lucky.
Harrison Ford
#55. My manager has season tix to the Dodgers, four seats to 40 games, and they're right behind the plate, I mean, they're amazing, food and waiter service, which is insane.
Nate Corddry
#56. My kingdom for caffeine," she mumbled, making prayer hands up at the ceiling.
When, however, in the next second, Issa entered with tea, Zuzana was not grateful.
"Coffee, I meant coffee," she told the ceiling, as if the universe were a waiter that had gotten her order wrong.
Laini Taylor
#57. Dr. Eklund was utterly dumbfounded. Did the prime minister think that a waiter who had dropped out of school before he was ten years old could be put to use to build atom bombs for Sweden?
Jonas Jonasson
#58. If I ever get looks on the street, which, for the record, is almost never, it's rarely because they think I'm someone they saw in a movie. More often someone sees me and thinks, 'Hey, was that guy my waiter the other night?'
Patrick Wilson
#59. This phrase did not have the ring of verisimilitude because I am famously bad at math. If I'm in charge of tipping at a restaurant, the waiter will either fall to his knees in gratitude or slash my tires. There ain't no Mr. In Between.
Celia Rivenbark
#60. Here's something about Mom: she's bad with annoyances, but great in a crisis. If a waiter doesn't refill her water after she's asked three times, or she forgets her dark glasses when the sun comes out, look out! But when it comes to something truly bad happening, Mom plugs into this supreme calm.
Maria Semple
#61. I never taste the wine first in restaurants, I just ask the waiter to pour.
Nigella Lawson
#62. Waiting is a state of mind that says we want what we don't have. Therefore, with every kind of waiting we produce an inner conflict between now and the projected future. This greatly reduces the quality of our life. Are you a 'habitual waiter'?
Eckhart Tolle
#63. The waiter at the King David brought her change, and, in his eyes, his condolences for the meeting that had not taken place. For five hours he had watched her sit in a garden chair, straight-backed and full of anticipation, until hope had abandoned her and she slumped, weary.
Anat Talshir
#64. If a waiter or waitress tells me when gratuity is included they automatically get more gratuity. When they hide it I go with the leg kick.
Jay Mohr
#65. Waiter, this is not the policeman I ordered. I wanted one with a lot less sauce.
Jennifer Echols
#66. I am a face in a trance, evoking duende. My face imbues breath and stuns you with star-spirit. I am grove-face, story-teller face, and dawn-bringer face. A face as common as carrots and celery, called upon as a father to be cook, waiter, servant, and maid.
Jimmy Santiago Baca
#67. I prefer the Chinese restaurants that have the silverware on the table when you arrive, because there's nothing more humiliating than starting with chopsticks and having to turn to the waiter and being like, Uh, yeah, hi, uh, I'm too white. Do you have a shovel back there?
Jim Gaffigan
#68. Enchantment can be done with writing but I think enchantment is basically a prospective or an operating system for life. That you can enchant a person who is assigning your airplane seat, your hotel room, your waiter, your waitress.
Guy Kawasaki
#69. The waiter had set down the hot drinks, and the steam did feel glorious. The piano played Satie ever so softly. Life was almost worth living, even for a son of a bitch of a monster like myself.
Anne Rice
#70. And so I do. I have inter course, right there in the Hotel van Walsum dining room. I enjoy it very much, this unhurried dining experience. I sip my beer, stare into space, and, in general, do nothing--until the waiter brings the grilled salmon, indicating that, for now, my inter course is over.
Eric Weiner
#71. I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.
Rodney Dangerfield
#72. Or more precisely, is there anything I can do for you, ma'am? (Waiter)
'How about a bag for my head, or a stick to beat Lanie with?' (Grace)
Sherrilyn Kenyon
#73. One other question. Would it be acceptable to destroy a universe in the name of a greater love?"
The waiter laughs.
"Are you God or just gay?"
"Neither, but thank you for your answer.
Paulo Coelho
#74. You go to New York or L.A., and every waiter wants to be a writer, director or actor. But there's a common thread: everybody wants to do it because they love it.
Gillian Alexy
#75. Just the other day I witnessed a disagreement between a waiter and a customer over whether the coffee he served her was a cappuccino or a latte.
Gloria Furman
#76. Grant to Sydney: That waiter you just gave your drink order to ... that wasn't a waiter, it was a Jonas Brother.
Brynna Gabrielson
#77. The waiter repeated, The cocktails are from Mr Seadon. He asked me to tell you that he thought you'd enjoy them. They are called Secrets.
Milly Silver
#78. A diner having a row with a waiter in a swanky restaurant chills the blood in a way that a quarrel over a pizza order elsewhere would never do. Compassion is rarely the custom of the privileged.
Derren Brown
#79. I'm like a waiter and you something like a hater with trays in both hands, place an order I can cater.
Drake
#80. Champagne,' she added to the hovering wine waiter. 'The Widow '23.
Kerry Greenwood
#81. for, failing to capture the attention of a waiter, I hooked one of them by the arm and ordered a whiskey and soda. The buzz of conversation,
Elizabeth Peters
#83. My father was a waiter basically, and when I got my first professional job as an actor, I left a job that he found me for half the amount of money. So anyone would think that they're stupid, that that would be a stupid move.
Alfred Molina
#84. What is with waiters who don't write anything down and memorize your order instead? Are you trying to impress me or something? If you were that smart you wouldn't be a goddamn waiter in the first place.
Aaron Karo
#85. I don't consider myself an actor, for me it's employment. Like the actor who's a waiter a lot, I'm an actor when I'm not on tour, in that that's a job I can do.
Henry Rollins
#86. At present every coachman and every waiter argues about whether or not the relativity theory is correct.
Albert Einstein
#87. ...Who knew he'd rather be a waiter than your guardian. I guess being a guardian isn't paying too well these days. Or maybe he's finally come to terms with the fact that he sucks at it.... ~Mazriel from Sanctuary
Beth Gualda
#88. The waiter arrived and took their orders. When he was gone, Macy added, Besides, my life coach says it's inefficient to spend time with people you're hoping will change, that it's a surefire way to derail your future.
J.D. Robb
#89. The waiter has to come from a place of concentration, subjugation, and complete, limitless service. Nothing is too much trouble. The customer is always right, even when he is wrong. There is no limit to what you will do to serve while that person is in your bar and in your care.
Stuart Wilde
#90. one motion of individual want sends trembles around a circle of dependents, until the whole helpless ring knocks and shakes like a tray of wineglasses in an unsteady waiter's hands. Any music they make is random, involuntary and brief; one can't be still unless they all are, and they never are.
Jim Lewis
#91. Well, isn't Bohemia a place where everyone is as good as everyone else - and must not a waiter be a little less than a waiter to be a good Bohemian?
Djuna Barnes
#92. I once joked in a book that there are three things you can't do in life. You can't beat the phone company, you can't make a waiter see you until he is ready to see you, and you can't go home again. Since the spring of 1995, I have been quietly, even gamely, reassessing point number three.
Bill Bryson
#93. If I can't eat the meal in a restaurant, and the waiter asks, 'Is everything all right, Madam?', I tell them that I'm on a diet.
Cilla Black
#94. I definitely had fun being a waiter. I can't say for sure that I was a good waiter. I think that I made people have a good time.
John Krasinski
#95. By being a waiter 100 percent, I think I was a lot like any other actor in New York. I had credits because I'd work lunches during the week, and then on a Wednesday would go be lucky enough to be in a movie like 'Kinsey.'
John Krasinski
#96. Peppier n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
Steven Pinker
#97. The waiter brought fresh-baked bread and cheese, a bottle of sparkling water for Annabeth, and a Coke with ice for me (because I'm a barbarian).
Rick Riordan
#98. Waiter! raw beef-steak for the gentleman's eye,-nothing like raw beef-steak for a bruise, sir; cold lamp-post very good, but lamp-post inconvenient-damned odd standing in the open street half-an-hour, with your eye against a lamp.
Charles Dickens
#99. Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
Henny Youngman
#100. Do you have a red velvet cake?" "Of course," the waiter said, as if this was a ridiculous question. How dare I assume that they didn't have red velvet cake. The nerve.
Chelsea M. Cameron
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