Top 100 Toilet Quotes
#1. that none of the locks on the toilet stalls in the common restroom worked.
Stuart Gibbs
#2. Remember, if you write anything nasty about me, I'll come around and blow up your toilet.
Courtney Love
#3. I see them through the cracks between the walls, their houses not much more than a pile of food and supplies on one side and sleeping mats on the other. I wonder what they do in the winter. Or what they do for a toilet.
Veronica Roth
#4. I was photographing every meal I ate, every person I met, every waiter or waitress who served me, every bed I slept in, every toilet I used.
Stephen Shore
#5. If the entire week is a battlefield, reading the Bible is sort of like that parachute with the box of reserves that come in the middle of the war: food and water and the toothbrush and toilet paper.
Lauryn Hill
#6. Sexy, no alcoholic, but she drink like a toilet. Told her do me a favor and put your mouth on this faucet.
Young Jeezy
#7. Liberals retain a totemic attachment to the Freudian idea that traumatic toilet training is destiny.
Ilana Mercer
#8. All right, all right,' he [Leo] says. 'I know it's hilarious that Mrs. Kelly thinks I clogged up her toilet, but we have more important things to focus on.
Wendy Mass
#9. One of the most jolting days of adulthood comes the first time you run out of toilet paper. Toilet paper, up until this point, always just existed. And now it's a finite resource, constantly in danger of extinction, that must be carefully tracked and monitored, like pandas?
Kelly Williams Brown
#10. It's now come out just before his record-breaking 100-meter dash, gold medalist Usain Bolt ate at McDonald's. Apparently he timed his meal so when the race started he would have exactly 9.63 seconds to get to a toilet.
Conan O'Brien
#12. Me and my sisters were so awful. One nanny, we loved, but we hacked her email and sent her boyfriend lots of weird messages, and we once actually locked her in the toilet, too.
Suki Waterhouse
#13. From the outside looking in, trying to decipher Google's search algorithms is like reading tea leaves in a toilet bowl ... as it's flushing. With the lights off.
Guy Kawasaki
#14. The practice of Zen is to eat, breathe, cook, carry water, and scrub the toilet - to infuse every act of body, speech, and mind - with mindfulness, to illuminate every leaf and pebble, every heap of garbage, every path that leads to our mind's return home.
Nhat Hanh
#15. If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost, I would take that particular piece of mine,
shred it, and flush it down the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes.
James Dickey
#16. Toilet paper unrolled and slithered
then wrapped around my tummy.
That paper tried to roll me up
into an Egyptian mummy.
Melinda K. Trotter
#17. If you stay in a house and you go to the bathroom and there is no toilet paper, you can always slide down the banisters. Don't tell me you haven't done it.
Paul Merton
#18. A toilet flushes, and everyone turns to see Jax emerge from the downstairs bathroom holding a Victoria's Secret catalogue and chewing on a Red Vine. "Yo, what up," he says, oblivious. As he looks from one face to the next he stops chewing. He swallows hard. "Everything okay?" "No," I say.
Rachel A. Marks
#19. Well, I don't use the toilet much to pee in. I almost always pee in the yard or the garden, because I like to pee on my estate.
Iggy Pop
#20. And of course, when you see your brother in the toilet bowl ... there's a little voice that say, 'I wonder where he would go ... ' ... if it hadn't been for his head ...
Bill Cosby
#21. Well, I've thought many times when my career was in the toilet, that I was going to have to seriously consider getting another job, I don't know what I'd do.
Aaron Eckhart
#22. Martin Luther dreamed up Protestantism while sitting on the toilet at Wittenburg monastery, and we know what a big movement that became.
Anton Szandor LaVey
#23. People forget what a big issue toilet training is for adults and kids, and it is not fun, especially when you're in a car on the interstate.
Robert Munsch
#24. Now, as husbands go, I have to admit I did all right. Joe is unquestionably handsome, doesn't leave ragged toenail clippings scattered about the house, and has never once, in nearly five thousand days of togetherness, left the toilet seat up.
Jenna McCarthy
#25. There are little things that get on my nerves, like people who have reading material in their powder room. When you go in someone's house, and next to the toilet they have a huge basket of magazines, I find that repellent. I recommend against straining while reading.
John Waters
#26. Cresington Lane, There's an old public toilet with an old broken
Jason Hall
#27. I was lookin' high an' low for them Reds everywhere, I was lookin' in the sink an' underneath the chair. I looked way up my chimney hole, I even looked deep inside my toilet bowl.
Bob Dylan
#28. Remembering the past is like watching a Hollywood movie, in that you never see the characters go to the toilet.
Steve Toltz
#29. Maybe I've moved to the dark side, but it's clean and nice and we never run out of toilet paper.
Jen Lancaster
#30. Fred just shrugged enigmatically. 'What? Just a load of girls going to the toilet? Personally I prefer wildlife videos.
Sue Limb
#31. There was no glam squad, whatsoever. There were no dressing rooms. There were no bathrooms. Let's start at our base level. We didn't have toilet paper. We went to the woods to use the bathroom.
Katie Aselton
#32. Never thought I'd intentionally sleep on a bathromm floor next to a toilet while sober, but I meant it when I said I would sleep anywhere with her.
J.A. Redmerski
#33. In Michigan, a liberal democrat raised taxes and kept their government programs at the same level. And guess what? Their economy continued into the toilet, it continued down.
Rick Perry
#34. When somebody follows you 20 blocks to the pharmacy, where they watch you buy toilet paper, you know your life has changed.
Jennifer Aniston
#35. Eating, bathing, going to the toilet, talking, thinking, and many other activities related to the body are all work. How is it that the performance of one particular act is alone (considered) work? To be still is to be always engaged in work. To be silent is to be always talking.
Ramana Maharshi
#36. I didn't have to think up so much as a comma or a semicolon; it was all given, straight from the celestial recording room. Weary, I would beg for a break, an intermission, time enough, let's say, to go to the toilet or take a breath of fresh air on the balcony. Nothing doing!
Henry Miller
#37. Toilet paper is a right, not a privilege,
John Ringo
#38. The burden of keeping three people in toilet paper seemed to me rather a heavy one.
Barbara Pym
#39. He was the first guy to find toilet paper in my butt.
Hilary Winston
#40. There is only one immutable law in life - in a gentleman's toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way.
Hugh Leonard
#41. I'm on the toilet at the 9:30 Club and I'm wondering how mermaids pee.
Becky Albertalli
#42. If you can see the handwriting on the wall ... you're on the toilet.
Redd Foxx
#43. I'm out of tissues for toilet paper too. History notes just aren't ... up to scratch
Andrea K. Host
#44. As time goes on, the more I value doctors and plumbers. Doctors a little more. I can fix my own toilet but I still can't operate on myself.
Bob Saget
#45. I love my ex so much I printed out all his pictures. After all, I need him for target practice. And I just love customised toilet paper and doormats. My only regret is that those items don't bear his autograph.
Natalya Vorobyova
#47. Our forests are not for toilet paper. They are worth more standing than cut. That deserves to be defended, not only by native peoples but also by environmentalists.
Winona LaDuke
#48. There's nothing here," Carter said.
"What do you want?" I asked. "We've got wax, some toilet papyrus, an ugly statue.
Rick Riordan
#49. People who go to the Opera, they don't go to the toilet, not even at home.
Martin Amis
#50. I felt like a toilet frog during the last three decades of the preceding century. (38)
Frans De Waal
#51. Last night was one of the best nights of my life."
"Sleeping in between the toilet an the tub on a cold, hard tile floor with a vomiting idiot was one of our best nights? That's sad, Trav.
Jamie McGuire
#52. Listen - when you're on the toilet, from the point of view of the toilet, you are not an icon taking a crap. You are a bottom taking a crap. If you can get that, you're going to be okay.
Tori Amos
#54. If you drop a book into the toilet, you can fish it out, dry it off and read that book. But if you drop your Kindle in the toilet, you're pretty well done.
Stephen King
#55. You have to offer sort of an evolution visually and do things like you've never seen before, like a fight between two men in a toilet on an airplane which was very exciting.
Jaume Collet-Serra
#56. But calling up magic when there were arrows flying and chunks of the countryside disappearing was about as easy as going to the toilet on command with a dozen people watching. Who all hated you.
Eoin Colfer
#57. She smiled at me, her ancient face so lined only the sparkle of her eyes gave it away. "My dear, I can get lost from my bed to the toilet these days. I find presumptions to be a source of false confidence.
April White
#58. [We] are, in fact, so close to the amusement park that [our] toilet is referred to as "the log flume.
Dan Adams
#59. From the time they get up in the morning and flush the toilet, they're taxed. Then they go and get the cup of coffee, they're taxed ... This goes on all day long. Tax, tax, tax.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
#61. I think up to a point people's characters depend on the toilets they have to shut themselves up in every day. You get home from the office and you find the toilet green with mould, marshy: so you smash a plate of peas in the passage and you shut yourself in your room and scream.
Italo Calvino
#62. Marriage was nothing but a lot of dirty dishes and pee sprinkled on your toilet seat. With
Tarryn Fisher
#63. I'm so short I tread water in the kiddie pool. I need a ladder to get to the bottom bunk. I hit my head on the ground when I sneeze. I need a running start to reach the toilet. And no, I'm not related to Tom Cruise.
Michael Robotham
#64. France is a place where the money falls apart in your hands but you can't tear the toilet paper.
Billy Wilder
#65. Frank made a face; an Englishman to the bone, he would rather lap water out of the toilet than drink tea made from teabags. The Lipton's had been left by Mrs. Grossman, the weekly cleaning woman, who thought tea made from loose leaves messy and disgusting.
Diana Gabaldon
#66. It's like leaving the bathroom with a piece of toilet paper hanging from my pants.
Krista Ritchie
#67. When you hang out with people who are always being supergrateful and appreciating things and saying thank you, in the end it kind of rubs off, and one day after I'd flushed, I turned to the toilet and said, "Thanks, toilet," and it felt pretty natural.
Ruth Ozeki
#68. My goal is that after seeing 'Grand Canyon,' every person in the audience will go home knowing they have to conserve water: even something as simple as installing a low-flow toilet or showerhead, or turning off the faucet while they're brushing their teeth.
Greg MacGillivray
#69. I'm the bathroom master
I'm a real bowl blaster
Don't mess with me
'Cause I can mess it up faster
With just one flush
I can make a toilet gush
When my sister cleans it up
I just turn her to mush!
R.U. Slime
#70. He trotted down the hallway on all fours and started in on his second favorite pastime, conversations with plumbing. Just what I needed: Stone, the Toilet Whisperer.
Devon Monk
#71. It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
Rod Serling
#72. By contrast, no one in Alphinland ever demanded a blowjob. But then, no one in Alphinland had a toilet either. Toilets weren't necessary. Why waste time on that kind of routine bodily function when there were giant scorpions invading the castle?
Margaret Atwood
#73. All my good reading, you might say, was done in the toilet.
Henry Miller
#74. Since the invention of the flush toilet and the vacuum carpet cleaner, the modern man seems to judge a man's moral standards by his cleanliness, and thinks a dog the more highly civilized for having a weekly bath and a winter wrapper round his belly.
Lin Yutang
#75. I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.
Erma Bombeck
#76. Why do you always come in to kiss me while I'm on the toilet?" I asked.
"Makes us feel close to you," Chuck said, surprised I would ask. "Peeing is one of the special things we share.
Merrill Markoe
#77. Just don't ever let it happen to you, Dolores. Let people just shit all over you. Don't you ever become some man's personal toilet that way I did.
Wally Lamb
#78. You can't put toilet paper in the toilet [in the space ship], so there's a separate vacuum can in front of you on the wall and when you're done, you put the toilet paper in there and seal that up.
Mike Mullane
#79. If you stepped out of the shower and saw a leprechaun standing at the base of your toilet, would you scream, or would you innately understand that he meant you no harm?
David Sedaris
#80. Not to go to the theater is like making one's toilet without a mirror.
Arthur Schopenhauer
#81. Crap was not a bad word. It was the shortened name of the marketing genius of the best known flush toilet, John Crapper. Really.
Faith Hunter
#82. I cut coupons, love specials and believe in buying toilet paper and toothpaste in bulk. It's just who I am.
Hilary Swank
#83. My life is in the toilet, Red. We're talking a serious septic tank situation.
Larissa Reinhart
#84. Writing is like masturbating when you have just masturbated. It's not fun. But it has to be done, or else people would not have anything to read while they sit on the toilet.
Ed Rosenthal
#85. A cat is the only domestic animal I know who toilet trains itself and does a damned impressive job of it.
Joseph Epstein
#86. Bad writing is not easier than good writing. It's just as hard to make a toilet seat as it is a castle window. Only the view is different.
Ben Hecht
#87. I like getting toilet paper thrown at me.
Joel Madden
#88. This was shaping up to be the worst conference call of my life, even worse than that time I accidentally clogged the school toilet back in the first grade with my Boba Fett figure (I was pretending it was the Sarlaac pit).
Rick Gualtieri
#89. You're asking the government to control individual morality. This is a government that can't buy a toilet seat for under $600.
Peter McWilliams
#90. He looked like a sexy ninja. Or a tiger ready to pounce on his prey. She just looked like she was sitting sideways on an invisible toilet. Curse the male species for making danger look so good!
Leia Shaw
#91. At some point all of this is going to catch up with me," I said.
"What is?"
"Gay, boyfriend, job loss, career in the toilet, gay, criminals in my house, criminals in my bed."
"You said the gay thing twice."
"It deserves double billing.
Dani Alexander
#92. The wide screen reminds me of a roll of toilet paper.
Yasujiro Ozu
#93. Where do you get lumpy tiles? Well, of course, you don't. But I get a lot of toilets, and so you just dispatch a toilet with a hammer, and then you have lumpy tiles.
Dan Phillips
#94. Could the toilet be showing the future?
Royal
#95. If you want to play a cool punk club, that's great - but punk clubs don't have any toilet seats. After a while, little things like that become big issues.
Joe Casey
#96. Harry looked at Bellman. He could not help but admire him. The way you admire a cockroach you flush down the toilet and it comes creeping back again and again and in the end it inherits the world.
Jo Nesbo
#97. The New York Times Review of Books is toilet paper. Used.
James Purdy
#98. I have a strong memory of my early childhood. I can remember life before I was two. I remember being toilet-trained like it was last week - and it wasn't last week.
Caroll Spinney
#99. Life in battle is like a roll of toilet paper....the more you use it, the less you have left.
Charles A. Krohn
#100. You're so full of crap, you could pass for a toilet.
Kami Garcia
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