Top 100 Toilet Quotes
#1. THESE ARE BEAUTIFUL PROPERTIES with basketball courts, bathroom facilities, toilet facilities. Many young people would love to get the hell out of cities
Carl Paladino
#2. There are 41 million people who do not have access to a toilet in Pakistan and as a result they are defecating in the open. And open defecation has significant health and nutritional consequences.
Geeta Rao Gupta
#3. It was a weird sensation. Like getting caught eavesdropping, or lying, or sitting on the toilet and having the bathroom walls suddenly drop away.
Janet Evanovich
#4. Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.
Richard Jeni
#5. I'd grown up thinking that a [sanitary toilet] was my right, when in fact it's a privilege - 2.5 billion people worldwide have no adequate toilet.
Rose George
#6. Like the rest of the house, it was beautifully appointed with shiny European wallpaper, lavender-scented soap and an oil painting over the toilet. Geoff
Dan Skinner
#7. Issie?"
After a second her voice comes out small and tired. "I'm not here."
"Oh." I back up so I can stare at the bathroom door. No feet. "Then I should probably freak out because the toilet is talking back to me, huh? A little too many pain meds for Zara today.
Carrie Jones
#8. I looked up and she said, "You have to believe I did everything a reasonable person would do. Maybe I didn't reach my hands into toilet water, but I did everything else I could.
Charlie Close
#9. At one point Malkin and one of his colleagues took Eichmann to the toilet. They waited outside. After a few minutes, Eichmann called out to Malkin, 'Darf ich anfangen?' ('May I begin?') Only when told yes did he begin to move his bowels.
The Eichmann Trial, page 17
Deborah E. Lipstadt
#10. My parents taught me many of the things that people need in life to feel confident: practical things, such as managing finances, mucking out the goat barn, cleaning a house, doing repairs, mending a broken roof or a toilet.
Bryce Dallas Howard
#11. Something had happened. The bath towels knew it, the bathtub and the toilet knew it. My father turned and walked out the door. He knew it. It was my last beating. From him.
Charles Bukowski
#12. I was sorting through my mother's things. All the letters from friends had to go. I don't know why she kept them, and now they meant nothing to anybody alive. Each generation flushes the toilet for the last.
Lucy Ellmann
#13. This is the man who called the fire department when the toilet backed up, and I'm asking him for help. What was I thinking? Why am I attracted to weak men?
Christopher Moore
#14. I don't know if he needs a tic tac or toilet paper.
Jerry Lawler
#15. Yup, the toilet is my best friend before a show.
Eric Carr
#16. European toilet paper is made from the same material that Americans use for roofing, which is why Europeans tend to remain standing throughout soccer matches.
Dave Barry
#17. This guy was making me tired. "Thanks for the afternoon's entertainment," I said. "I'll flush a copy of my bill down the toilet. You should be getting it in a couple of days.
John Swartzwelder
#19. I said a silent prayer. Actually, silent is probably the only type of prayer a guy should attempt when his head's in a toilet.
Andrew Smith
#20. And I have this little litany of things they can do. And the first one, of course, is to write - every day, no excuses. It's so easy to make excuses. Even professional writers have days when they'd rather clean the toilet than do the writing.
Octavia Butler
#21. Poop humor is fun. If you do the toilet scenes well and commit to them, they can be really, really powerful.
Sandra Bullock
#22. Fine, but if you get yourself killed I reserve the right to flush your ashes down the toilet while I sing the theme from Titanic.
Quinn Loftis
#23. Out of all the medical advancements in human history I'm still most in awe of that tiny little piece of toilet paper that can stop a gushing razor cut in its tracks.
Gregor Collins
#24. Sometimes, to relieve stress, he would soak his feet in the toilet, a practice that was not as soothing for his collegues.
Walter Isaacson
#25. I believe your friends Misters Fred and George Weasley were responsible for trying to send you a toilet seat. No doubt they thought it would amuse you.
J.K. Rowling
#26. What do you need, babe?" "You." "Okay. I can sit with you while you finish your shower." I shut the lid on the toilet. "No. I need you in here with me - in the shower.
Georgia Cates
#27. Teddy said it was a hat, So I put it on. Now dad is saying, where the heck's the toilet plunger gone?
Shel Silverstein
#29. Its okay Ginny. Don't be upset. We'll send you a toilet seat or something. Fred and George said to Ginny
J.K. Rowling
#30. Somebody's going to be reading, right? Wrong. They're FBing. Doing a Number Two. Maybe I shouldn't have had those chilli peppers. Hope y'all having a good day! - Coming from a toilet not far from you. xxxx
Hope Barrett
#31. And I'd really appreciate it if you'd grow the hell up and stop walking around like the world crapped on your only roll of toilet paper. Because it's stupid,
Tahereh Mafi
#32. Her mother began to pick apart the toilet paper covering her gift. 'I suppose, she said brightly, 'we should be grateful this hasn't been used before as well!
Wendy Holden
#33. ...when you start to feel like you are better than someone else, you should probably stick your head in a toilet because at that moment your thoughts are crap.
Ellen Potter
#34. When I find out a hotel doesn't have a DSL, it's like "What? There's no toilet?" Once you get used to high speed you ain't going back
Robin Williams
#35. I was sitting in the toilet and I was by myself. I was tired of playing with the roller, so I said I'd better write a book.
Don Rickles
#36. Philosophers of genius, children, and the people are equally wise - because they ask equally foolish questions. Foolish to a civilized man who has a well-furnished European apartment, with an excellent toilet, and a well-furnished dogma.
Yevgeny Zamyatin
#37. Son, how violent is yer woman?" The older man asked sounding curious. Aiden leaned in and whispered. "She knocked me unconscious once with the back of my toilet." The older man's eyes widened. "Better get you some chocolate bars. You can throw those from a distance." Aiden nodded.
Anonymous
#39. Sensitive. That killed me. That guy Morrow was about as sensitive as a toilet seat.
J.D. Salinger
#40. Let me tell you, people go on and on about what a great idea electricity was, but I'm going to put toilet paper right next to the wheel and say those are the best ideas anyone's ever had. Scoff at it if you will, but try living for two millennia without it and then we'll talk.
Kevin Hearne
#42. As the kid was getting his head dunked in the toilet, Joi started pointing and laughing while saying, "What a LOOOSEEEER!
The Lexies
#43. You've no idea how wonderful toilet paper is until it's taken away from you by an unfeeling universe. I think it's the defining characteristic of human civilization, the ability to manufacture something decent to wipe your ass on.
Peter F. Hamilton
#44. Cubans were getting a monthly ration of five pounds of rice, three pounds of beans, five eggs, one chicken, half a pound of coffee, milk for children up to age seven, one bar of soap, two rolls of toilet paper, three packs of cigarettes.
Tony Mendoza
#45. I'd rather clean my toilet than go to a show-business party.
Shania Twain
#46. Done properly," she said, "cunnilingus and fellatio should be more pleasant, and a lot cleaner, than kissing a toilet seat. I hope that answers your question.
Tom Perrotta
#47. Some kid asked what a dilemma is. And I replied: When a starving man has to choose between a plate of food, and, a roll of toilet paper.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
#48. The poor toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head down it - it might be sick.
J.K. Rowling
#50. After two weeks of feeling dead numb, I decided the sewage system needed the pills more than I did, so I flushed them all down the toilet.
Kate Ellison
#51. I think the bottom line for me and for Newsweek is that there were a lot of - we did retract this specific matter about the Koran and the toilet for the reasons that you just cited.
Michael Isikoff
#52. It takes a minimum of six people, working in close harmony, to successfully flush a nautical toilet. That's why those old ships carried such large crews.
Dave Barry
#53. I didn't go to high school. I think that after you learn to read and write and do your numbers and flush the toilet behind yourself, you don't need no more schoolin'. You need to get out in the water and swim.
Wilford Brimley
#54. I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn't sound that original, but she's bulimic.
Anthony Jeselnik
#55. Nothing reminds one of how shitty inequality is more often than the fact that there are companies who make and people who use 1-ply toilet papers.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
#56. The question was, "Is your sexuality constructed by environment and experience, or is it innate?" I examined this issue by wanking off a man in a toilet. In conclusion, your sexuality is innate.
Anonymous
#57. I have always had a ridiculous fear that I will walk into the bathroom one morning and find a python in my toilet.
Lisa Graff
#58. I hadn't just backed up the toilet; I'd made the septic tank flood the house.
Mariana Zapata
#59. We've been through all this a thousand times. I won't subject myself to the indignities of pregnancy. I won't swish crap-laden diapers around in a toilet bowl ten times a day. Let someone else populate the earth. I'm not about to split off my soul, like some damned amoeba.
Clive Cussler
#60. You know, I've been to some superstars' houses, and I've been really disgusted when I see their platinum discs hanging in the toilet. They're just there on the walls glaring at you when you're trying to be occupied with other things.
John Lydon
#61. could not be blamed just because no one ever mentioned that once you closed the storybook, Cinderella still had to do laundry and clean the toilet and take care of the crown prince.
Jodi Picoult
#62. Leaders win through logistics. Vision, sure. Strategy, yes. But when you go to war, you need to have both toilet paper and bullets at the right place at the right time. In other words, you must win through superior logistics.
Tom Peters
#63. I was swinging like a toilet door on a prawn trawler.
David Feherty
#64. Books Are Good For Lots Of Uses, Not For Dropping In The Toilet.
Frank Zappa
#65. You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
George Carlin
#66. At the store, they have one-hundred-percent-recycled toilet paper," Marla says. "The worst job in the whole world must be recycling toilet paper." I
Chuck Palahniuk
#67. And yet I built this house as my pioneer theme
along the perforation of my very own toilet roll.
For perforation read wipe of shit.
The shit of for shit
read this
an Amazon for Amazon
read Emerson.
Steve McCaffery
#68. The aunts' conception of the right to privacy went far enough to allow you to close the toilet door when you were peeing, but no further.
Zen Cho
#69. We once installed a $1.49 trap in a woman's toilet and she never had ghost problems again.
Jason Hawes
#70. Down the toilet, lookit me,
What a silly thing ta do!
Hope nobody takes a pee,
Yippy dippy dippy doo ...
Thomas Pynchon
#71. I could never plan to have a career that went this well ... you know, there were times when it didn't: when it went into the toilet, or ducked, or was difficult to get moving.
Peter Capaldi
#72. Ah, the painful truth: Fate was a cosmic toilet. It was the nature of the universe to flush sluggish things that failed to exercise free will. Stasis was stagnancy. Change was velocity. Fate - a sniper that preferred a motionless target to a dancing one.
Karen Marie Moning
#73. It wasn't that I couldn't write. I wrote every day. I actually worked really hard at writing. At my desk by 7 A.M., would work a full eight and more. Scribbled at the dinner table, in bed, on the toilet, on the No. 6 train, at Shea Stadium. I did everything I could. But none of it worked.
Junot Diaz
#74. You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
Alan King
#76. I'm horrible to live with. I don't clean. My clothes end up wherever I take them off. I forget to flush the toilet.
Megan Fox
#77. Tell me why it is that a toddler will gag over a perfectly wonderful breakfast of ham, eggs, biscuits, juice, and jelly. But then he will enthusiastically drink the dog's water and play in the toilet. Truly, he is his mother's greatest challenge ... ; and her most inexpressible joy.
James Dobson
#78. Joy. Casey groaned under her breath. Just what she needed to plunge her day completely into the toilet - being the object of the plaid polyester king's desires.
Sherry James
#79. France is the country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper.
Billy Wilder
#80. Montague's just been found in a toilet, Sir.
J.K. Rowling
#81. It's very helpful to realize that being here, sitting in meditation, doing simple everyday things like working, walking outside, talking with people, bathing, using the toilet, and eating, is actually all that we need to be fully awake, fully alive, fully human.
Pema Chodron
#82. His stream lasted so long I thought about throwing a quarter into the toilet bowl to make a wish.
Atom Yang
#83. I loved being in Trainspotting and having to dive into the filthiest toilet in Scotland.
Ewan McGregor
#84. I married a man who isn't afraid to wash a dish, scrub a toilet, or have his unibrow waxed into submission by a licensed professional.
Jen Lancaster
#86. What do you see in him anyway?" "He doesn't leave the toilet seat up." I smiled bitterly
Jayde Scott
#87. Even someone you've inhabited rooms with, and seen naked everyday, seen sitting on the toilet through a half-opened door, can fade out after a while and become an outline.
Elizabeth Kostova
#88. When you consider all the writers who never even had a machine. Who would have given an eyeball for a good typewriter. Any typewriter. All the ones who wrote on a matchbook covers. Paper bags. Toilet paper. Who had their writing destroyed by their jailers. Who persisted beyond all odds.
Sam Shepard
#89. Most of the time he [Marlon Brando] sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper.
Rex Reed
#90. It bugged me that the cover bedding was seldom washed, like slapping on a set of sheets made up for a bedspread that contained more germs per inch than the inside of a frat boy's toilet.
Cheryl Bradshaw
#91. Operation Find A Toilet Before It Was Too Late was in full swing.
Gabrielle Tozer
#92. She worshiped the ground he walked on and would even eat out of the toilet bowl he took a dump in if it came down to it.
Angel Williams
#93. Baby, groaned the guy-Ted? Tad?-something like that-and crushed his lips against the side of her neck, shoving her face against the wall of the toilet stall.
Jennifer Weiner
#94. I think people might think, oh, I don't want to approach the big famous author because it's embarrassing, but then they think for two seconds about it and realize, this is, like, a toilet bowl reader.
Augusten Burroughs
#95. When I walk into an apartment with books on the shelves, books on the bedside tables, books on the floor, and books on the toilet tank, then I know what I would see if I opened the door that says Private - grownups keep out: a children sprawled on the bed, reading.
Anne Fadiman
#96. Judging a story by the ending alone, or life by its death alone, is as pointless as judging a long hike through the mountains by the fact that when you get back to where you parked your car, there's a pit toilet full of you know what and beer cans.
Emily Henry
#97. There is the Toilet Monster, who comes into the bathroom if you sit on the toilet for too long.
Abby Hanlon
#98. So it just wasn't in my house. Anywhere, I looked like I knew about the toilet.
Sarah Dessen
#99. I wouldn't go in a fast food outlet even to use the toilet.
Jonny Wilkinson
#100. As with marathon runs and lengths of toilet paper, there had to be standards to measure up to.
Haruki Murakami
