Top 100 Stupid Humor Quotes
#1. You're a big one,[ ... ] a tall drink of water, but I got to tell you, you don't look too bright. I got a son, stupid as a man who bought his stupid at a two-for-one sale, and you remind me of him.
Neil Gaiman
#3. Hey, Geekoid!" yelled Duncan Dougal, "Why do you read so much? Don't you know how to watch TV?
Bruce Coville
#4. You're supposed to eat the cows. They're great big lumbering stupid things - they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them.
Dylan Moran
#5. Armael shook his head. "The Origin created all creatures for a purpose."
"Are these supposed to rid the world of stupid photographers?
Pat Harris
#6. I have several close friends who have run marathons, a word that is actually derived from two Swahili words: mara, which means 'to die a horrible death', and thon, which means 'for a stupid T-shirt.' Look it up.
Celia Rivenbark
#7. Dealing with jackasses on every front today. Good thing I have tiger blood and Adonis DNA. (Charlie Sheen Reference)
Greg Campbell
#8. Connor and Cameron look wide-eyed at the carnage. Cameron slowed the speedboat down to a crawl. She and Connor looked at Jason.
"Oops," Jason said meekly. Nothing else seemed appropriate.
"Oops?" Connor shouted. "You blew up half the town.
Mark A. Cooper
#9. The problem with having evil minions is that minions are stupid.
Larissa Ione
#10. I shouted the perfect words to scare him off. It was just the delivery (and only the delivery) that made me sound like a twelve-year-old girl with pee running down her leg.
I felt dirty and stupid.
Graham Parke
#11. ObamaCare is, really, I think the worst thing that has happened in this nation since slavery - and it is slavery, in a way, because it is making all of us subservient to the government. It was never about health care; it was about control.
Ben Carson
#12. Even with my sunglasses on, my eyeballs were screaming in pain. Stupid beautiful sunrise in stupid Elf World.
Rick Riordan
#13. Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions
Criss Jami
#15. Hiram!' Shelton ran to Hi's side. 'Aren't you you bleeding? I thought she shot you!'
'Red wine. When I saw it running everywhere, I played dead.' He winced as Shelton poked his belly. 'But I'm not leaping off any more shelves. That was pretty stupid.
Kathy Reichs
#16. Far below, I heard Cacus bellowing as millions, maybe even thousands of filthy gallons of water slammed into him. Meanwhile, Annabeth alternately shouted, gagged, hit me, called me endearing pet names like, "Idiot! Stupid
dirty
moron
" and topped it all off with "Kill you!
Rick Riordan
#17. I sit up straighter and puff out my chest a little bit, unsure why I'm doing so even as I do it. I know when I speak I'll have dropped my voice an octave to make myself seem more manly, and when I shake he hand, my grip will be tight and strong. Stupid, I know, but I'm a guy. It's what we do.
T.J. Klune
#18. Smartass Disciple: If there were two masters, which one should I listen to?
Master of Stupidity: Use the ears to the one who looks so stupid, eyes to else.
Toba Beta
#19. There is a monsterous deal of stupid quizzing, & common-place nonsense talked, but scarcely any wit.
Jane Austen
#22. Yes, he is a man, so genetically he's engineered to be dense about many things, but he's not stupid.
Katie MacAlister
#23. I like to think I'm not stupid often, tonight proves that when I am, I do it in a big way.
Lisa Renee Jones
#24. Her lips taste like mint from toothpaste or gum, or sometimes like cherries or grapes from her lip gloss. She's soft when I hold her, with curves where my hands rest, and when I touch her I think stupid caveman things like, mine and totally mine - oh yeah, and all mine.
Susan Vaught
#25. Perhaps the difference between a professor and a bus driver is that the professor can say stupid things with complete authority while the bus driver is not authorized to make brilliant insights.
Les Back
#26. And if we know how to light a fire, why do we carry tinder around with us?"
Because you're humans," the little one explained serenly. "You're stupid.
Silvana De Mari
#27. (Imitating a Belarus citizen commenting on their national flag) Stupid National Anthem ... Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit
Bill Bailey
#28. It turns out your not dyslexic, your just really really stupid.
Frankie Boyle
#29. Yuki: "What can I learn from a stupid cat like you? You didn't even know that Jason isn't really a bear. He's a character in a horror film."
Kyo: "Yeah? So what if I didn't? Like I'd waste my time watching some movie about a bear!"
Yuki: You truly are an idiot.
Natsuki Takaya
#30. But you're not as stupid as they say!... Or are you?
Anna Gavalda
#31. What kind of husband would I be if I bet against my own marriage?'
I smiled. 'The stupid kind. Didn't you listen to your dad when he told you not to bet against me?
Jamie McGuire
#32. Miraculously, I keep it together, although I would love to just slap the stupid out of them.
Brandy Nacole
#33. Duct tape can't fix stupid," Bas growled. "Maybe not," Red replied, "but it can hold it down and muffled the screams.
T. Hammond
#35. Of course I'm going to the front door like a stupid chick in a horror movie," he muttered. On his way to the door, he doubled back and grabbed a baseball bat from the closet. "Now I just have to remember not to go outside and ask if anyone is there.
Amanda Hocking
#36. Stupid men are the only ones worth knowing after all.
Jane Austen
#37. I'm not stupid, stupid. Leave this whole thing in my extremely capable and well-manicured hands. I'll call you later with an update. Bye!
P.C. Cast
#38. -"He loved her ... It was noble of him. It was beautiful."
-"It was stupid.
Lloyd Alexander
#39. Another goal that I have is to learn how to play the ukulele - should be fun - and to stop taking my clothes off for money. But I need money. That is a ridiculous goal. I'm gonna cross that one off. That's stupid.
Kristen Schaal
#40. Stupid Ape: I had to quantify this with the word "stupid" so as not to offend the ape community. Large of limb, impotent of intellect, he was the kind of guy who lettered in leg-breaking at thug school but flunked the written exam because he didn't know which end of the e-pencil to use.
John Zakour
#41. Oh! What stupids we were! cried Neb.
That is precisely what I had the honor of telling you before! returned the sailor.
Jules Verne
#42. Sierra, it's Christmastime. Put a stupid mistletoe over his head and kiss him already!
Jay Asher
#43. Oh, for God's sake," I said. "Just give me the stupid thing." I took the panic button and stuck it into my Super Sexy Miracle Bra. "GPS," Ranger said to Morelli. "Probably I can find her breast without it," Morelli said. "But it's good to know there's a navigational system on board if I need it.
Janet Evanovich
#44. Let me tell you something, I have never stated this, but you idiots refer to me as some moroon, I have a aster and a lwa degree. I simply cannot take the bar because of my stupid past in my 20's. You people do not want to go up against m on education because most of you will lose badly.
Larry Sinclair
#45. Don't be stupid. You sound like his girlfriend. (Wesley Jefferson Lincoln)
Kami Garcia
#46. Stupidity is much the same all the world over. A stupid person's notions and feelings may confidently be inferred from those which prevail in the circle by which the person is surrounded. Not so with those whose opinions and feelings are an emanation from their own nature and faculties.
John Stuart Mill
#47. They've drunk everything in the house, including a pitcher of African violet plant food I'd just mixed up and was stupid enough to leave on the counter."
Tremaine punched Eddie in the shoulder. "I told you it tasted weird."
Eddie shrugged. "Tasted okay to me.
Susan Elizabeth Phillips
#48. Why does everyone have to pretend to be stupid and not know long words?
Martin Freeman
#49. Are you real?" Stupid. Of course he's real.
"Yes, Julie. I'm not the mystical man from your dreams.
Caroline George
#50. There is no real bravery in getting paid to save someone's life. However, there is a large amount of bravery in a nurse break dancing at the hospital's Christmas party.
Shannon L. Alder
#51. I paused for a moment, debating whether to turn and look what was happening. My senses told me Obo's presence was still at my side, and turning my face into the barrel of a gun seemed like an ill-advised way to cap off this day of monumentally stupid decisions.
M.A. George
#52. Son of a Midas
You, sir, are a stupid-head
Here, have an ostrich
Rick Riordan
#53. Werewolves? Oh please, just plain stupid. Who wants to get it on with a man ruled by his inner dog?
Karen Marie Moning
#54. My most insightful comments have been forgotten while letting a whining dog out the door.
Jael Turner
#55. In life you'll meet a lot of jerks. If they hurt you, tell yourself that it's because they're stupid. That will help keep you from reacting to their cruelty. Because there is nothing worse than bitterness and vengeance ... Always keep your dignity and be true to yourself.
Marjane Satrapi
#56. God in his infinite wisdom
Did not make me very wise-
So when my actions are stupid
They hardly take God by surprise.
Langston Hughes
#59. Down there between our legs, it's like an entertainment complex in the middle of a sewage system. Who designed that?
Neil DeGrasse Tyson
#60. The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.
Jane Austen
#61. You know what we call you? Bitch Spice, Burtch Spice, Slut Spice and Stupid Spice.'
Thomas Mackee says this
Melina Marchetta
#63. You suck, surprising no one!!!! If bad was a boot, you'd fit it!!!! You're a stupid poo-poo head! I had sexual relations with your mother! Your mother was not that good in bed! You, sir, are a wretched soul! I am rubber, you are glue!
Bryan Lee O'Malley
#64. Thierry had no idea why they were called French doors. His native countrymen weren't stupid enough to put them in their homes.
Lynn Viehl
#65. Falderson," he said quietly to Bahzell in passable Navahkan, "is as stupid as the day is long." He craned his neck to gaze up at the hradani and shook his head. "In fact, he's even stupider than I thought. You, sir, are the biggest damned hradani-no offense-I think I've ever seen.
David Weber
#66. I ain't taking no more rides on the stupid train.
Lois Greiman
#67. Susan's fingers wandered, and her eyes sparkled. "Your mouth says no," she purred, "but this says yes."
I went up on my toes, and swallowed, trying to keep my balance and get her hand off me at the same time. "That thing is always saying something stupid," I told her.
Jim Butcher
#70. How come a boy can be so stupid, but a Daddy, who actually used to be a BOY himself, can be so wonderful?
Jillian Dodd
#71. If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter.
John M. Gottman
#72. I've always wondered though," Orn mused aloud, "what does God need with a starship?"
"Are you going to make that stupid quip every time we pass a missionary ship?"
"Until they learn a new position.
Sabrina Zbasnik
#73. It would be stupid for me to attempt to return to Society without basic reconnaissance."
"That is a term usually reserved for military conflict."
She raised a brow. "It is London in season. You think I am not at war?
Sarah MacLean
#74. A succubus on the set. Strike that, the health-conscious kid sister made it two ... succubuses. Succubusees? Succubi? Stupid Latin correspondence course.
Jim Butcher
#75. All three combined is ... a different kind of stupid formerly unheard of by humankind.
Veronica Roth
#76. Do I look stupid? snarled Uncle Vernon, a bit of fried egg dangling from his bushy mustache.
J.K. Rowling
#77. Raphael laughed, and she threw a cookie at him. Of course, he caught it smoothly and tossed it back at her. Stupid vampire.
D.B. Reynolds
#78. Are we going to be stupid?" she whispered.
"Define stupid."
"Anything that involves either one of us exposing our favorite body parts." Or their hearts ...
"I want to hear about your favorite body part," he said. "In great detail.
Jill Shalvis
#79. What if the only non-humans the two-legs know," she mused, "are the Cousin-kind? How stupid they would believe all others who walk the earth to be!
Jane Lindskold
#80. In such societies it is common for ordinary people to seek out celibate spiritual leaders for marriage, love and sometimes sexual guidance. This strikes me as a particularly stupid kind of folly. Nobody ever asks a vegetarian for a recommendation for a steak house
Scott Andrews
#81. Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
Dave Attell
#82. Boys are stupid, throw rocks at them.
SIERRA
#83. Stop a minute and listen. I know I'm asking the impossible from you, but for once in your life, shut your mouth and open your ears."
"I'm not the one talking."
Kyrian snarled at him. "Don't get smart with me."
"You want me stupid?"
"Nick ...
Sherrilyn Kenyon
#84. Motormouth: So this is love? Well, love is a gift and a lot of people forget that. So you two better brace yourselves for a whole lot of ugly coming your way on a never ending train of stupid.
Penny: So you met my mom?
Mark O'Donnell
#85. The two sat quiet for a moment; Gabe unsure what to say to comfort his friend and Uri stewing in his own frustration. "Damn it! It was a stupid plan!" Uri swung an arm around behind himself and his bag being the nearest object in reach, swung it across the room with as much force as he could muster.
Wendy Owens
#86. You haven't got a letter on yours," George observed. "I suppose she thinks you don't forget your name. But we're not stupid-we know we're called Gred and Forge.
J.K. Rowling
#87. I'm going to write a book about an intelligent woman who does stupid things when it comes to men. I'll call it, "My Memoirs.
N.M. Silber
#88. Natalie wasn't the type of person who blamed others for the stupid things they did. She tried to be very understanding of their idiocy. Besides, they were probably doing the best they could. The world was a tough place, and it must be *so* much harder if you were stupid.
Elizabeth Gannon
#90. You didn't weld it shut or anything like that?"
"Yes, stupid me, I forgot.
Alastair Reynolds
#91. You can hear now. Your inner ear is formed.
I shout "I love you" into the bedroom. Then I feel stupid. Then I don't. This is pretty much the story of my life.
Suzanne Finnamore
#92. It was through eavesdropping that I learned that you could buy fresh peanut butter at Whole Foods from a machine that grinds it in front of you. I had wasted so much of my life eating stupid old, already-ground peanut butter. So, yeah, I highly recommend a little nosiness once in a while.
Mindy Kaling
#93. So I suggest you stick close, pay attention, and avoid breaking the Terrorverse's only commandment: Thou shall not be stupid.
Seth Grahame-Smith
#94. You don't know me well enough to know that I spend half my life saying stupid things and the other half apologizing for them, said Tedros.
Soman Chainani
#96. I like 'em big. And stupid. Don't tell my husband.
Meg Cabot
#97. Meaning what? We're going to pretend nothing's going on? That's stupid. The only way to deal with any of this is to get it out in the open.
Have you been watching Oprah again?
James Patterson
#98. Veni, vidi, vici. That was easy for Julius Caesar to say; he crossed Italy in a chariot, not on a stupid bike." - Vivia
Leah Marie Brown
#99. Most people who spew hatred aren't very intelligent or motivated. They tend to be lazy, and if for some reason they are coaxed into picking up a pen, their messages are mostly incoherent and largely illiterate.
Damien Echols
#100. I felt like the blonde in every horror movie who hears a noise in the basement and goes to investigate alone. Sometimes you smell the stupid all around you, but you step in it anyway.
Ann Aguirre
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