Top 80 Sex Humour Quotes
#1. Sex & Humour Are The Heart & Lungs Of A Good Relationship
Rosamund Lupton
#2. Sex doesn't interfere with your tennis; it's staying out all night trying to find it that affects your tennis.
Andre Agassi
#3. I've always said, I thought the Sex Pistols was more Music Hall than anything else - because I think that really, more truths are said in humour than any other form.
John Lydon
#4. She'd proven to be one of the most aggravating people I'd ever met. Unfortunately for me, she was also the best sex I'd ever had.
Fuck, he'd better never get that far. I wasn't sure I knew where to hide a body around here.
Christina Lauren
#5. And the most extraordinary thing is that, in the end, as you grow older, you continue to go poop once a day if you are in good health, while it is not easy to make love every day. So finally, the pleasure is longer-lasting and more frequent than the other.
Guy Fournier
#6. Well, that explains why we jumped into bed with each other so quickly. We were both hornier than a bucket of desert toads.
Olivia Cunning
#7. Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
Stephen Colbert
#8. New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.
Jay Leno
#9. I stroke a finger over my own top button, undo it, then let my hand drop with an exaggerated sigh. "It's not quite the same," I declare, "ripping my own clothes off.
Kate Tough
#10. Is it a big ass firm or a big firm ass?
Musa Nganga
#11. If someone had told me years ago that sharing a sense of humour was so vital to partnerships, I could have avoided a lot of sex!
Kate Beckinsale
#12. She whispers in my ear: '"Tell me that you wan' fuck me hard, make me sweat." In the excitement, she misses out a word. "I want to fuck you so hard that your body drips with sweat," I say, grammatically.
Joe Dunthorne
#14. Sometimes you don't even have to have sex at all, and for that kind of sicko, you charge double.
Sara Sheridan
#15. I bought a packet of Trojan Ultra Pleasure Extra Sensitive condoms: 'No. 1 in AMERICA'. They smell nothing like a positive first sexual experience.
Joe Dunthorne
#17. Tatiana is a ridiculously curvy thing of dreams, with smooth succulent thighs, long strawberry blond cascading beneath a teal bandana, and a nympho sparkle in her eyes that says pick me, lick me, spank me, or I punish you. Raw innocence and mayhem at once.
Brett Tate
#18. Me? I like wearing a condom. It means I'm having sex. I already spend most of my time NOT wearing one. It's like a tuxedo - I enjoy putting one on for special occasions.
David Mazzucchelli
#19. All his faces were designed to express rage or loathing. Now that something had happened which really deserved a face, he had none to celebrate it with. As a kind of token, he made his Sex Life in Ancient Rome face.
Kingsley Amis
#20. Yes, you may ask my name but only if you can tell me: are your thighs as fine as a fresh, crisp morning in early July?
Robert Clark
#22. That's probably the most sincere thing that I've ever heard come out of your mouth."
Logan lowered his eyes to Tate's hand. "Now, that's not true. I was very sincere this morning when I told you that I loved sucking your - "
"Don't ruin it," Tate interrupted.
Ella Frank
#23. I'm twenty-four, a first grade teacher, have a Yorkie named Pedro, a goldfish named Fish, have never had sex, or a serious boyfriend, and I'm the town lesbian who pukes when she sees a pussy. Nothing really to be jealous of at all.
H.J. Bellus
#24. The Dean leaned toward an ear.
"I was saying," he said loudly, "that we didn't know the meaning of the word 'sex' when we were young."
"That's true. That's very true," said Poons. He stared reflectively at the flames. "Did we ever, mm, find out, do you remember?
Terry Pratchett
#25. I felt like an animal, and animals don't know sin, do they?
Jess C. Scott
#26. Chater: You dare to call me that. I demand satisfaction!
Septimus: Mrs Chater demanded satisfaction and now you are demanding satisfaction. I cannot spend my time day and night satisfying the demands of the Chater family.
Tom Stoppard
#27. She looks me dead in the face and says, "The safe word is going to be 'immigration,' because you know I'll stop it.
Kayti McGee
#29. Linda's presentation of the 'facts' had been so gruesome that the children left Alconleigh howling dismally, their nerves permanently impaired, their future chances of a sane and happy sex life much reduced.
Nancy Mitford
#30. Sometimes I regret going into that public toilet with your father.'
'Then practice safe sex, Mama!!'
'We were! There was a fight in the bar and we took cover in the public toilets!!
Jonathan Dunne
#31. Writing is a lot like sex: at first you do it because you enjoy it. Then you find yourself doing it with others. But if you're any good at all, you end up doing it for less money than it's worth.
Michael Goulding
#32. Here's a basic difference between Morelli and me. My first thought was always of cake. His first thought was always of sex. Don't get me wrong. I like sex ... a lot. But it's never going to replace cake.
Janet Evanovich
#33. Jake became excruciatingly aware of her, there, right behind him. The small grunts and groans as she placed each foot carefully on the slick ground reverberated in his gut. He wanted to turn around and tell her to shut the hell up.
She sounded as though she was having sex.
Good sex.
Cherry Adair
#34. Do you think five babysitters will be sufficient?" Ethan inquired sardonically.
"No, but I'm willing to leave the compound without panties if we can make that happen."
"I'm on it," he said as he quickly began texting our gaggle of sitters
Robyn Peterman
#35. Good sex and good humour have one important thing in common: good timing
Alan Daniels
#36. Status: Naked. On bed. With boy. Systems overheating. Sudden doubts multiplying. Meltdown imminent.
J.C. Lillis
#37. What's your favourite position?"
"I usually play winger."
"Zach, I adore you, but you can't make soccer jokes during phone sex. It just isn't done.
Tiffany Reisz
#38. You know, my poor grandmother once told me that the way to a man's heart was through his stomach. Life has taught me that it's actually a few inches lower.
Jenifer Mohammed
#39. He was lonely. I could see that. He was working his butt off-and mine, too-in the hope that a million rupees might sort out his sex life. I prayed to Buddha he would be successful. If he didn't get some action soon, I doubted I would, either.
Frank Kusy
#40. I love you," I whispered hoarsely. "You're my favourite person." The tears blurred in my eyes again. "And if you ever tell anyone I cried during this moment I will withhold sex for a year.
Samantha Young
#41. You groped my bum!"
"It was an accident."
"It was not. You haven't done anything accidental with that hand since you were twelve."
"Fifteen, Mabes. You make me sound like some kind of infant sex prodigy.
Lily Morton
#42. Critics all have this idea that authors inhabit another dimensional realm, right up to their first smack in the mouth - which feels to them quite miraculous, being their sex-dream come true.
Don Paterson
#43. Her lips full and inviting, she has an infectious laugh and glassy cackle in her eyes, and a 2000 volt sexual charisma that beckons me like a fluff girl on scuffed knees.
Brett Tate
#44. You've got to have a sense of humour about sex. When you look at it, it's all pretty ridiculous, isn't it?
Cat Deeley
#45. Well, dearest, what would you tell a farmer who had an over-abundant harvest? To plant less, of course!" ...
"I am not complaining about the frequency of the planting," she said. "I'd just rather not reap a crop every year.
Sharon Kay Penman
#46. I wouldn't have minded school if they taught you important things like how to have good sex and what brand of wine is the best ... But for some reason they were hell bent on teaching me algebra
Ben Mitchell
#47. When the first book out my sister-in-law read it and we were chatting at 5 o'clock in the afternoon and she said, "Oh my God, chapter six, sex and a murder," and her five year old wandered into the kitchen and said, "Sixty hamburgers?
Sara Sheridan
#48. Whilst it may be our species greatest achievement, responsible for every technological advance we have or ever will make, science is also poop and sex and boogers.
Katie McKissick
#49. Please ejaculate", I silently urged the man, "so I can go to sleep". (In this way I imagine I was like millions of women before me
Jon Ronson
#50. Back in the day, it was either both a mother and her daughter had pubic hair, or the daughter didn't. Today, in many a case, the mother is the one who doesn't.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
#51. Nefarious purposes translation: For disgusting demon sex and the birth of the Devil incarnate. Nice.
Elle Casey
#52. I don't believe this," Diesel said. "It just gets worse and worse. Bad I enough I have to play cupid to a butcher, button maker and veterinarian ... now have to be sex therapist for a guy who gives people a rash.
Janet Evanovich
#53. There are talking dogs all over the place, unbelievably boring they are, on and on and on about sex and shit and smells, and smells and shit and sex, and do you love me, do you love me, do you love me.
Ursula K. Le Guin
#54. The wild women in his lap,' my father enthused, 'laying their breasts on his head.'
There was a moment of stunned silence. Then my mother spoke slowly, with an edge to her voice. 'I think you mean "wild beasts laying their heads in his lap".'
'Do I?
Patrick Rothfuss
#55. People have many cruel expectations from writers. People expect novelists to live on a hill with three kids and a spouse, people expect children's story writers to never have sex, and people expect all great poets to be dead. And these are all very difficult expectations to fulfill, I think.
C. JoyBell C.
#56. When you've been around as long as me, Lucy, you'll know that there are three types of sex ... One - brand-new, kitchen-table sex. Two - bedroom sex. Then number three - hallway sex, when you pass each other in the hallway and say 'Fuck you.' - Lockie
Kathy Lette
#57. I just want mind-boggling sex tonight, but I don't think you can beat my vibrator.
Anna Bayes
#58. Excuse me, your attention please."
He waited until the whole floor had stopped what it was doing and turned to face him. For a split second his impulse control kicked in, but by then his mouth was fully engaged.
"For the record, Claire Marsden and I are not having sex.
Sarah Mayberry
#59. I'm sorry," he muttered. "If I ... uh, hurt your feelings or something."
She glared at him. "I'm not hurt. I'm pissed off and sexually frustrated."
His head snapped back on his spine. Well ... then. Okaaaaay.
J.R. Ward
#60. Some men say get them crying on your shoulder and you have the sheets half-unfurled already. Other fellows say get them laughing. I say get them drunk. I ordered up more Riesling ...
Stewart Hennessey
#61. Tom, how many children do you think I have to have before I figure out you get them by having sex?"
"Of course there would be protection," he offered.
"Tons of it.
Robyn Carr
#62. You think I can't get it up anymore, maybe? Lemme tell you, you eat enough garlic and it stands up every time.
Alberto Vitale
#63. I saw two birds having dangerously kinky sex on the main road, while several cars ran above them just missing the sparrows' toss and tumble fly away. The couple survived to try it again next season on a railway line!
Initially NO
#65. Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.
Good things come to those who wait.
Jess C. Scott
#66. The male tax?"
"Yeah. The tax that men have to pay for not having to menstruate every month. Or risk getting pregnant. Or deal with the physically stronger sex in a macho world ... Women have to put up with all that stuff, so the least we men can do is pay the male tax and get the tab.
Zack Love
#67. My mission is to offend and insult the bourgeois defenders of the status quo, and entertain those who enjoy sex, violence and sick humour in their face and without apology.
Ian Martin
#68. Shee-it, you people have all the fun. You guys are givin' people strokes and havin' sex parties and doin' rescues while I'm off gallivantin' in the forest, shootin' at some stupid dang targets.
Elle Casey
#69. I want the evening upon which we lose our collective virginities to be special. I'm no parthenologist but I suspect that Jordana's virginity is still intact. Her biological knowledge is minimal. She thinks that a perineum is to do with glacial moraine.
Joe Dunthorne
#70. Has something happened to upset you today?"
"Yeah, I had an argument with a vacuum cleaner hose, it wanted me to it a blowjob, but I refused so it took offence. It claimed I blew everyone else's attachment and it wasn't fair.
Gillibran Brown
#71. It's the teenage and university crowd, so we give them lots of sex jokes and gross humour.
Keenen Ivory Wayans
#72. You know why horror-movie characters always get killed? Because they've never seen horror movies. They don't know how it works. Right? But we do. So no one go into the basement alone. No one go screaming off into the woods alone. No one has any sex.
Carrie Vaughn
#73. If I looked like him," Tara said. "I'd want to have sex with myself. All the time.
Jill Shalvis
#74. I won't consider getting horizontal with someone I can barely tolerate when we're vertical.
Nora Roberts
#75. Stamp-collectors are a strange, silent fish-like breed, of all ages, but only of the male sex; women, apparently, fail to see the peculiar charm of gumming bits of coloured paper into albums.
George Orwell
#76. Sex, whatever else it is, is an athletic skill. The more you practice, the more you can, the more you want to, the more you enjoy it, the less it tires you.
Robert A. Heinlein
#77. Denis could think of no logical reason why he should not attempt to mate with Beth Cooper.
There were no laws explicitly against it.
They were of the same species, and had complementary sex organs, most likely, based on extensive mental modeling Denis had done.
Larry Doyle
#78. If I had followed every urge I ever had, I would have had much more sex and killed a lot more people
Tommy Cotton
#79. The gods damn you, look what you've done! If I want to grow this back, I'll have to endure the most terrifying sex imaginable! Gaahhhhhhh!
Kevin Hearne
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